Susan's Place Transgender Resources

my name is elsa i am a 21 yr old mtf. I have a cousin that is very close to me ever since we were younger, she is only a year younger than me. Well she knows my situation about being trans and she's ok with it. Ever since the age of maybe 16 or 17 i have felt a strong jealousy towards her. When we were younger she was mainly a tomboy she would wear big pants and tshirts, and she was a little goth girl too, still kinda is and shes a big metalhead. Well when we got a little older around 16 or 17 she started becoming more feminine, she started wearing dresses and other very feminine clothing, even as a goth she was very feminine. When that started i felt so much envy cuz i wanted to do that, i wanted to look like her and still do. I felt it was so unfair that she was allowed to embrace her femininity overnight. She is average height 5'5, she is not big or thin she is vuluptuous, she has big hips, big butt and big breasts. She has a really pretty face, its very exotic looking its very feminine like a oval shape and high arched eyebrows over brown eyes. I envy her femininity, even though her group of friends is nothing but guys (she literally has no female friends) she is still so feminine, she wears pretty perfume, cute dresses and clothing, shoes, jewelry everything i want. All her friends are metal dudes some with tons of tattoes and stuff and they treat her like a princess, i feel so jealous of her. And apart from that she has a great boyfriend who also treats her like a queen. I feels so jealous cuz i feel like she is getting everything that i want. Idk how to overcome this?  >:(

I feel the same way whenever I get into close contact with another female born person.  It may just have to be something you will need to live with until you are able to make interventions to change your current state.

I can completely identify with how you feel.

When I was younger, people sometimes saw me looking at girls and thought I fancied them Sometimes it was even suggested that i go and speak to them. Sometimes they even noticed.

The reality was I wanted to be like them.

If I may suggest jealously is a bit strong. It tend to imply a personal anomosity. I had no personal anomosity toward any girl, and I doubt you have either. I just hated being so ugly, so male.

I really wish I could say how I managed and suggest you do the same. But if you did what I did, you may find yourself sleeping in a dumpster, like I did, (For a couple of days, no big deal).

There isn't an easy solution. Some girls get all the attention, some don't.

I suppose the only think I can say is that life's a bitch.

In the short term, you are just going to have to concentrate your energy on your education and career. Your time will come. But this ain't it, yet.

i have been trying very hard to get over this. I do feel jealousy though because she has everything i want. I have been on hrt for 12 months now and i havent gotten much of a difference. No hips or butt, i do on the other hand have large shoulders and back and big arms  >:( i feel even more jealous of her becuz she has a great shape like a hourglass, she used to be a bit bigger more chunky but she has lost a good amount of weight this year and her waist has gotten so small but she still has breasts, butt and hips. When i saw her i just felt so enraged becuz i have been on hrt one year and i exrcise and everything but i get no real results. it upsets me cuz she gets all of this naturally she doesnt have to take hormones or get surgeries or anything. And the other day i heard her and her boyfriend talking and he told her that he wants her to be the mother of his children, i heard that and it broke my heart becuz not only does she have what i want but she also gets to give birth to her children. When she was 12 or 13 she had her first period but i didnt pay too much attention cuz i was young still 14, but when i started getting older and realizing the significance it hurt me to not be able to experince it. Sure its painful and gross but id still love to have it. Just hearing guys and stuff calling her beautiful, complementing her in a dress or just saying shes awesome kills me inside. I know i have to get through this but i just dnt know how to do it. I know that i am jealous and i cnt help it but i really wanna stop it.

LOL... I know the feelings as well. My BFF is really pretty and gets the attention when we are out.
What she gets for free, I have to pay for  :(

Jealousy is a terrible thing, and we all envy the natual born.
But. Use what you know to your advantage. When life serves you lemons, make lemonade.

Its harder to do than to type, but you can do it!

You will always be able to find someone prettier, more voluptuous, smarter, richer, luckier, etc.  But they aren't you.  You want to be you, not someone else.  Envy or jealousy is a sidetrack from becoming a person you can like.  Once you grow to like yourself, the jealousy will be just a blip in the background and of no consequence.  Be YOU - smart, pretty, friendly, successful, happy, *fill in the blank* you.

- Kate

elsaG

I really hope you don't think I was being flippant. I really meant what I said.

Like many others, I so understand how you're feeling. My own experience is that the only real solution is to find another way to look at it.

To be honest, again, from my own experience, there is a tendency to start to enjoy the feelings in a preverse sort of way. They justify our own inadequacies by converting them to anger.

The problem is they start to eat us us. We lose whatever relationships we have. Life become dark.

I'm so sorry, but there really is no other way. The really prtty girls are maddening, but most girls, those of us with ugly bits and those born gentically female, just aren't.

We just have to get one with things and not torture ourselves wishing we were someone else.

(adition. Just noticed K8's reply as I posted this).

Girls envy other girls. Not every girl is pretty, popular, and has a good boyfriend. So, feelings of envy towards other girls is a natural part of female dynamics. Even girls who seemingly have everything 'go green' from time to time. Even if you were born female, you'd probably feel this sometimes.

Of course, your feelings of envy are compounded by being born without even the basics and having to build from scratch. Try to remember that it is not your fault you were born the way you were while she got lucky. You're punishing yourself by feeling bad about something you're not guilty for. You're on HRT and doing the best you can with what you were given. Look at your progress and don't compare yourself with those who haven't had to deal with what you have.

Welcome to being a woman.  Trust me, there are far more beautiful people in the world to be jealous of.  I bet even your sister wishes she could have the same qualities as someone else.  Its natural to want something we cannot have or is hard to attain.  Obviously i too am frustrated that i have to work so damn hard to get that scrap of femininity while other women get it handed to them on a silver platter.  The only thing i can say is that you will appreciate it more having to work for it and the struggle to become who you are will make you a stronger person as a whole. 

Its ok to be jealous, there might even be people who look at you and become jealous, if not now, in time.   The most important thing is not to get too depressed about it and continue on, the thing is eventually it usually balances out.   After a child her body will not look the same, or even as the years go by her hormone levels will decrease, ours stay constant, we stay looking younger longer, eventually at 40-50+ depending on when you start, we end up looking better then a lot of GG, and maybe you too will end up looking much better then your sister later in life.  You never know.

ha yeah i understand what u mean izumi. I am working hard on all of this honestly. She is actually my cousin not my sister. But i totally get what ur saying she does have some issues with herself as well. Even though i am working on becoming a woman, i feel like there will always be something over my head not so much the jealousy with my cousin but just the fact that i will always be ts, which is why i feel jealousy as to her giving birth, cuz i know i never will. I know theres women that cnt have kids but thats not their fault its usually something medical, but 4 us we were never meant to give birth which is why we cant. Sure i might say well her body will not be the same but who cares she was able to experience giving life, but also she has very good genetics her mother and sisters are older than her all have kids and look great not fat or anything even her 35 yr old sister. Regardless i know i do have to work on myself and just me i shouldnt worry about her, she is beautiful, vuluptous and a natural woman but shes never done anything bad to me so i should quit being envious.

As much as we want to compare ourselves to others the thing I learned is that you have to embrace what you have. I am born female and I to get jealous just like you guys when I see a girl who looks like they have it all. I would work on trying to embrace what you have been given because people who are born with a deformity or burn victims aren't so lucky so I always keep in mind at the end of the day I am blessed in more ways than I could imagine.

You just have to let it go, unfortunately. I transitioned 20 years ago, went to college as female, and lemme tell ya, nothing will kill your self-esteem more than being surrounded by 18 year old college girls  >:( Plus, having a gorgeous and very petite older sister doesn't help matters.

As corny as it sounds, you just have to remember the serenity prayer (being able to accept the things you can't change, and the courage to change the things that you can), and just appreciate yourself.  And, this is probably bad advice but it worked for me, think about all the people who have it much worse than you do.
     

I think it is totally normal to look at another woman and feel envious of her.  No matter what it is about her, it is something you feel is missing in yourself.  I call it the "F'ing Beyotch" syndrome.  And even if you don't say it somewhere in your brain you think it or some version there of.

But the thing that one must remember is that while you are thinking that about some other girl, there is some girl who is thinking it about you.   Yes YOU.  Surprised?  Don't be, it is just a natural thing to do.  We strive to improve that one thing that we think is wrong about us.  Learning to be comfortable with yourself is hard to do, but when we learn to do it we no longer will have that  "F'ing Beyotch" syndrome.  We no longer care that some one might smarter, prettier, richer, whatever'er.  Because we are no longer jealious of something we think we see missing in ourselves.  It is just being comfortable being who we are.

Quote from: K8 on October 20, 2010, 06:02:20 PM
You will always be able to find someone prettier, more voluptuous, smarter, richer, luckier, etc.  But they aren't you.  You want to be you, not someone else.  Envy or jealousy is a sidetrack from becoming a person you can like.  Once you grow to like yourself, the jealousy will be just a blip in the background and of no consequence.  Be YOU - smart, pretty, friendly, successful, happy, *fill in the blank* you.

- Kate

Deep quote there.

And there's always going to be uglier, poorer, dumber, unluckier people as well. Like 350 lbs 5'0 IQ 80, lost all his family and now lives on the street, lost his eyesight, can't even hear well, was on estrogen trying to become a woman but had to stop so he's left with two sagging breasts but still a man again, deep voice, skinny legs, fat stomach that bulges right out, diabetes, and cancer in the lungs, has HIV (but not AIDs so forever in pain), balding with patches of hair, nose that has a huge skin growth, reeks of poop.

Heh. That's how I see it.

Right to the point:

Yes, I go CRAZY observing genetic females, and you KNOW which ones I mean!    :'(

I know I shouldn't be so petty, but I am.   

I find this humorous because its exactly what I feel all the time, its funny I will be hanging out with some of the guys on a break at work and some gorgeous female walks by and they are all falling over themselves about wanting to sleep with her. I am sitting there feeling jealous and wanting to be her or noticing her shoes or outfit. Makes me laugh sometimes.

Quote from: elsaG on October 20, 2010, 08:12:52 PM
ha yeah i understand what u mean izumi. I am working hard on all of this honestly. She is actually my cousin not my sister. But i totally get what ur saying she does have some issues with herself as well. Even though i am working on becoming a woman, i feel like there will always be something over my head not so much the jealousy with my cousin but just the fact that i will always be ts, which is why i feel jealousy as to her giving birth, cuz i know i never will. I know theres women that cnt have kids but thats not their fault its usually something medical, but 4 us we were never meant to give birth which is why we cant. Sure i might say well her body will not be the same but who cares she was able to experience giving life, but also she has very good genetics her mother and sisters are older than her all have kids and look great not fat or anything even her 35 yr old sister. Regardless i know i do have to work on myself and just me i shouldnt worry about her, she is beautiful, vuluptous and a natural woman but shes never done anything bad to me so i should quit being envious.

Do you have someone in your life life that loves you, i felt a lot more jealousy before i found someone, or i should say someone found me.  To him i am a beautiful woman but it doesnt have to do with just how i look to him, its how i am as a whole.  He mentions he wouldnt give me up even for a supermodel, because of the connection we share with each other.  When this happened i felt my jealousy slip away a lot.  He believed i looked beautiful, and darn it he has gotten me believing it too now... I still see things i want to fix in the mirror but his constant reminder of how much in love he is with me really puts me at ease about my looks.  Maybe thats all you really needed, not the world to think your beautiful, just one person that really loves you and thinks your the best girl in the world.

Quote from: Izumi on October 21, 2010, 10:44:25 AM
Do you have someone in your life life that loves you, i felt a lot more jealousy before i found someone, or i should say someone found me.  To him i am a beautiful woman but it doesnt have to do with just how i look to him, its how i am as a whole.  He mentions he wouldnt give me up even for a supermodel, because of the connection we share with each other.  When this happened i felt my jealousy slip away a lot.  He believed i looked beautiful, and darn it he has gotten me believing it too now... I still see things i want to fix in the mirror but his constant reminder of how much in love he is with me really puts me at ease about my looks.  Maybe thats all you really needed, not the world to think your beautiful, just one person that really loves you and thinks your the best girl in the world.

^This.  But until he finds you...

When I first came out, a casual friend gushed: "Now you'll have to find your style!"  I thought it an odd comment, but since then I've realized what she meant.  I have developed a clothing/hair/makeup style that works with my features, my body, and the way I live my life.  Judging by the comments I get – especially from women who don't know me or that I am trans – I do pretty well considering what I have to work with.

Perhaps it is only older women, but I think many appreciate another woman who has managed to develop a style that works with her shortcomings.  We can't all be traditionally beautiful, but each of us can work with what we have to look pretty good.

I see other women who look great and admire them, but I know I will never look like them nor do I want to.  I admire how they have such style and assurance that they can carry off a look that is distinctly them.  I think that once you manage to develop the style that works for you – works with your features and body and age and style of living – you will be less likely to be envious of other women.

- Kate

Oh yes, do I ever feel jealous sometimes. (Where's the smiley for embarrassment at?) I do my best not to feel jealous, but alas, it doesn't work. I've always felt a jealousy towards girls that are pretty; okay, maybe not even pretty, but at the very least cute in some respect, and similar in age to me (I'm 19, so it's easy to be jealous). There were points when I felt jealousy towards everyone who seemed happy, which really put a damper on my self-confidence. I always used to joke that I had no ego. It was no joke, and I had the lowest self-esteem ever.

Quote from: K8 on October 20, 2010, 06:02:20 PM
You will always be able to find someone prettier, more voluptuous, smarter, richer, luckier, etc.  But they aren't you.  You want to be you, not someone else.  Envy or jealousy is a sidetrack from becoming a person you can like.  Once you grow to like yourself, the jealousy will be just a blip in the background and of no consequence.  Be YOU - smart, pretty, friendly, successful, happy, *fill in the blank* you.

- Kate

So so so so so true! There will always be someone cuter, smarter, etc etc.....I have to keep reminding myself this and the same with clothes....there will always be some cute article of clothing I don't have.....I just need to sit back and live my life and not worry about it =)

Quote from: Izumi on October 20, 2010, 07:07:12 PM
as the years go by her hormone levels will decrease, ours stay constant, we stay looking younger longer, eventually at 40-50+ depending on when you start, we end up looking better then a lot of GG, and maybe you too will end up looking much better then your sister later in life.

Thats absolutely true Izumi, I speak from my own experience, Im now just gone 50 but pass as a woman in my late 30s or early 40s, other women same age as me Id say can get jealous on my looks, my Husband tells me I only look 40 or less, at this stage in my life I enjoy just being a woman even more, anyway I never usually tell anybody my age I just let them guess, a woman's age is sensitive information lol
Pauline

Yes, I'm jealous.... But I'm jealous because women can live the way I want to live.  Fear keeps me living this lie.  I've had to pretend to be a man and I'm tired of it.

Welcome cmfic. You're in good company