Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So...I feel with my whole heart that I'm a woman. So why do I keep feeling scared and confused and insecure about transitioning? I want to be pretty, and feel pretty. I want to be a girlfriend, a wife, a mother. I even wish I could be pregnant. I want to be treated and seen by all as female. When I started getting facial hair, I felt embarrassed and really sad. I don't feel like I'm a cross-dresser because I want to do everything as female. Work, school, social things, sleep, hygiene etc. I never have a desire to be masculine in any way, in fact I feel trapped in male clothing. I'm so excited to be on hormones and to get boobs, and grow my hair out, etc and the idea of stopping makes me sad. I don't know if my negative feelings come from my codependency on my best friend, my un supportive parents or what. :( I'm really scared. When I wonder if I'll regret this in the future, the only thing I can imagine is being scared to do it and regretting NOT doing it.

Many of us face those same fears, Britney.  But the only way to get pass it is to face it.  And the only way to face it is to do it.

I would rather live as a ugly woman, than spend one more minute as a male.  The only regret you may have is not doing it now.  I know I do.  I started transition 20 years ago and gave in to the fear.  I have regretted every moment since till 2008.  I am happier and love life again.

So it's normal to feel scared?

Britney,
That is a normal reaction now that you have began down this road. There is always that doubt.  But listen to yourself.

QuoteI feel trapped in male clothing. I'm so excited to be on hormones and to get boobs, and grow my hair out, etc and the idea of stopping makes me sad.

Also you are just starting to deal with a whole new set of emotions. We all have to learn to deal with them. It takes time. To be able to share your feelings here at Susan's will help.
Just keep texting girl and you can get through this fine.
If it doesn't get better soon  or get worst I would talk to your gender therapist. about these feelings and emotions.
Hang in there girl.
Jillieann   

If it wasn't, I would doubt that you were human.  Transition is THE biggest thing a person can do.  And with all the scary stories out there about people being hurt or killed because they are trans, the Xtain Nutters going after the GLBT community, Transpeople being sued in court, it is no wonder that we get scared.  But by standing tall and stepping forward is the only way to overcome that fear.

Nothing in your life will be as big as transition.

And for many of us we have to choose between transitioning and possible losing friends, family, jobs or not transitioning. Just one of the many worries.
So like we said it is normal.

Sorry to sneak into this section of the forum but wanted to throw in my two cents. I only speak from my experience but I echo what they said. I know I'm transitioning opposite of you but it's totally normal babe. Each step might make you nervous or upset. Not to mention you started hormones not that long ago so your body is dealing with different hormones which has to mess with your emotions a little in general. Just take each step one day at a time and if it all seems overwhelming take a minute to breathe. You sound one hundred percent sure it is what you want so don't worry. It'll get easier in time :)

Quote from: Janet Lynn on October 22, 2010, 11:36:27 PM
If it wasn't, I would doubt that you were human.  Transition is THE biggest thing a person can do.  And with all the scary stories out there about people being hurt or killed because they are trans, the Xtain Nutters going after the GLBT community, Transpeople being sued in court, it is no wonder that we get scared.  But by standing tall and stepping forward is the only way to overcome that fear.

Nothing in your life will be as big as transition.

Thanks Momma Janet!! <3 <3 I keep trying to wrap my head around the whole idea and I love it. :D Like I'm feeling great now, just a few hours later, damn these mood swings haha.

Quote from: Jillieann on October 22, 2010, 11:32:45 PM
Britney,
That is a normal reaction now that you have began down this road. There is always that doubt.  But listen to yourself.
Also you are just starting to deal with a whole new set of emotions. We all have to learn to deal with them. It takes time. To be able to share your feelings here at Susan's will help.
Just keep texting girl and you can get through this fine.
If it doesn't get better soon  or get worst I would talk to your gender therapist. about these feelings and emotions.
Hang in there girl.
Jillieann   

That makes a lot of sense. I quite like how I feel most of the time now. I cry easier, which is good for me because after doing so I feel much better. Hearing that doubt is normal, makes me feel a lot better. It's not a normal doubt that would paralyze me in transition, but it's sort of an irrational fear, kinda like watching a horror film and being scared of walking down a dark hall. You know it's stupid but you can't shake that feeling!!

Quote from: Michael Alexander on October 23, 2010, 12:10:21 AM
Sorry to sneak into this section of the forum but wanted to throw in my two cents. I only speak from my experience but I echo what they said. I know I'm transitioning opposite of you but it's totally normal babe. Each step might make you nervous or upset. Not to mention you started hormones not that long ago so your body is dealing with different hormones which has to mess with your emotions a little in general. Just take each step one day at a time and if it all seems overwhelming take a minute to breathe. You sound one hundred percent sure it is what you want so don't worry. It'll get easier in time :)

Thanks Michael!! :D I'm so glad I have all my brothers and sisters here at susans. I was worried about posting another thread but I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. Thanks to you all I feel much better!! This week has been long and emotional, for not much reason. I'm glad it's coming to an end. Next week is my follow up appointment with my doctor and the end of my fourth week on mones and I finally get to see my older sister and two little nieces for the first time in almost two years etc. So next week should be good!! :D

As Janet said, There is nothing more confronting than changing your public gender.
As Micheal wisely said you have to get used to the new hormones.
I see your latest post and you are happier :-*

Hang in girl. It's a ride like nothing in Disney Land. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Hugs

Cindy

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on October 22, 2010, 11:30:07 PM
So it's normal to feel scared?

It's very normal I knew that after 6 months most of my changes were irreprable all the way upto that date I would sit really worried thinking "oh jeeze I hope I'm doing the right thing." Especally given how my parents react, ie somthing abit similar to yours.

It can be hard to remember how much pain you were in living as a male I myself have the pesudo-benifit of having a body covered in self-inflicted scars to cope with living as a male when I look at that I realize that  I don't want to go back and forward is the only way I can be happy. As I was distinctly suicidal prior to transitioning.

Gender is one of those things that most of the worlds population takes for granted and its nearly impossible for someone to relate. Transition adds a whole new layer of things to worry about that there is relatively not a lot of information on (relative to "normal" issues. On top of that everyone's transition is different. Transition is an unknown and is probably the scariest thing you can put yourself through; there is nothing else that you can do to yourself that will fundamentally change the way the world looks at you.

It is a giant decision and any decision of any magnitude causes doubt. There will always be that what if feeling somewhere, but if you do your homework and do enough soul searching you'll come to a point where you'll be mostly sure and all you can do is trust yourself at that point. Honestly, you'll probably discover more about yourself and your feelings during the first few months of transition than you did the entire time leading up, I know I did.

Britney, these are only doubts you have because you are only in the start of your journey. I remember when I first started I had my doubts, but those doubts were crushed a few months later. Now chin up ! This should be a happy time in your life, youre destroying youre malehood, and unleashing Britney. :)

Britney, I was terrified about transition too; would I be able to see it through? What if money wasn't there halfway through? What if family and friends abandoned me? What if I lost my job? How would I survive as a mid-transition woman with no family or support? It's all scary, but what scared me most was NOT doing it. I knew it was right, and I knew it was needed. So you just have to ignore your fears, concentrate on the positive, and spend as much time as possible with the people that DO support you and believe in you. Being around people that don't offer that "safety net" can just make your doubts stronger.

We all love you Britney, and we are all here for you any time you need us! I'm so proud to call you a friend, and sister! HUGS!

<3 April

Quote from: CindyJames on October 23, 2010, 02:30:33 AM
As Janet said, There is nothing more confronting than changing your public gender.
As Micheal wisely said you have to get used to the new hormones.
I see your latest post and you are happier :-*

Hang in girl. It's a ride like nothing in Disney Land. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Hugs

Cindy

Thanks I can't wait for time to go by and see changes etc. :D So excited :D

Quote from: pebbles on October 23, 2010, 05:09:11 AM
It's very normal I knew that after 6 months most of my changes were irreprable all the way upto that date I would sit really worried thinking "oh jeeze I hope I'm doing the right thing." Especally given how my parents react, ie somthing abit similar to yours.

It can be hard to remember how much pain you were in living as a male I myself have the pesudo-benifit of having a body covered in self-inflicted scars to cope with living as a male when I look at that I realize that  I don't want to go back and forward is the only way I can be happy. As I was distinctly suicidal prior to transitioning.

Well I'm so glad you are transitioning then!! <3 I feel like when I was younger and stuff I kinda tried to ignore the fact that I was male. Because I don't remember really hating it but I never desired or felt comfortable.

Quote from: Kaelleria on October 23, 2010, 09:01:10 AM
Gender is one of those things that most of the worlds population takes for granted and its nearly impossible for someone to relate. Transition adds a whole new layer of things to worry about that there is relatively not a lot of information on (relative to "normal" issues. On top of that everyone's transition is different. Transition is an unknown and is probably the scariest thing you can put yourself through; there is nothing else that you can do to yourself that will fundamentally change the way the world looks at you.

It is a giant decision and any decision of any magnitude causes doubt. There will always be that what if feeling somewhere, but if you do your homework and do enough soul searching you'll come to a point where you'll be mostly sure and all you can do is trust yourself at that point. Honestly, you'll probably discover more about yourself and your feelings during the first few months of transition than you did the entire time leading up, I know I did.

As scared as I am I want to change the way the world looks at me, so I guess I'm doing the right thing. Not to say that other people are the main reason I'm transitioning or anything. But that's one thing that bugs me is being seen as and treated as a 19 year old boy! -____-

Quote from: Angela Foureira on October 23, 2010, 09:32:36 AM
Britney, these are only doubts you have because you are only in the start of your journey. I remember when I first started I had my doubts, but those doubts were crushed a few months later. Now chin up ! This should be a happy time in your life, youre destroying youre malehood, and unleashing Britney. :)

Haha thanks Angela!! :D I hope they go away for good in a few months! :D

Quote from: AprilDawn on October 23, 2010, 09:46:16 AM
Britney, I was terrified about transition too; would I be able to see it through? What if money wasn't there halfway through? What if family and friends abandoned me? What if I lost my job? How would I survive as a mid-transition woman with no family or support? It's all scary, but what scared me most was NOT doing it. I knew it was right, and I knew it was needed. So you just have to ignore your fears, concentrate on the positive, and spend as much time as possible with the people that DO support you and believe in you. Being around people that don't offer that "safety net" can just make your doubts stronger.

We all love you Britney, and we are all here for you any time you need us! I'm so proud to call you a friend, and sister! HUGS!

<3 April

Thanks April, me too. :D I think it might be coming from my parents and their not supporting or wanting me to do this. No way in hell would I ever hold off on transitioning just for their support. I don't think I'll get it later anyways.

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on October 22, 2010, 11:11:11 PM
So...I feel with my whole heart that I'm a woman. So why do I keep feeling scared and confused and insecure about transitioning? I want to be pretty, and feel pretty. I want to be a girlfriend, a wife, a mother. I even wish I could be pregnant. I want to be treated and seen by all as female. When I started getting facial hair, I felt embarrassed and really sad. I don't feel like I'm a cross-dresser because I want to do everything as female. Work, school, social things, sleep, hygiene etc. I never have a desire to be masculine in any way, in fact I feel trapped in male clothing. I'm so excited to be on hormones and to get boobs, and grow my hair out, etc and the idea of stopping makes me sad. I don't know if my negative feelings come from my codependency on my best friend, my un supportive parents or what. :( I'm really scared. When I wonder if I'll regret this in the future, the only thing I can imagine is being scared to do it and regretting NOT doing it.

Hi Britney.  I have felt (and still do) the same way.  Its a life-altering change that is huge and all too public.  When my step-dad was teaching me to shave (like when I was 12), I got so freaked out I actually passed out and fell into the bathroom closet (irony not lost on me).    What I am doing is just taking little steps at a time.  You don't have to be perfect right away, no one is.  Every day I just ask myself what the next RIGHT thing to do is.  Like right now my next right step is to drink another bottle of water because I need it.  After doing this for a while you will find you are living life in a positive way and making progress.  I get so stressed out thinking about the future, I just focus on what I can do right here and now.

hugs
summer

Quote from: SummerMoore on October 23, 2010, 08:47:36 PM
Hi Britney.  I have felt (and still do) the same way.  Its a life-altering change that is huge and all too public.  When my step-dad was teaching me to shave (like when I was 12), I got so freaked out I actually passed out and fell into the bathroom closet (irony not lost on me).    What I am doing is just taking little steps at a time.  You don't have to be perfect right away, no one is.  Every day I just ask myself what the next RIGHT thing to do is.  Like right now my next right step is to drink another bottle of water because I need it.  After doing this for a while you will find you are living life in a positive way and making progress.  I get so stressed out thinking about the future, I just focus on what I can do right here and now.

hugs
summer

That's a great outlook, thanks bb <3

bye

Quote from: Sada on October 24, 2010, 12:21:05 AM
I think it would be abnormal not to be. There is so much going on inside your body, your mind, and with your life when you transition. Some of the changes will be really positive others will not be. Though that fact you are facing this issue head on, to me that says you have the heart of a tigress~^^ he first steps are always the hard ones and the last ones are like bucking broncos. ;)

Aww a Tigress. I'll keep that in mind :D

I feel the same way, we know what we want and we're going to do it... but I sure am scared. I think someone once said "real bravery is being scared to death, but doing it anyway" :) I need to remind myself to be brave more often I think. Anyone want to lend me some? hehe

Quote from: lightvi on October 24, 2010, 05:13:45 AM
I feel the same way, we know what we want and we're going to do it... but I sure am scared. I think someone once said "real bravery is being scared to death, but doing it anyway" :) I need to remind myself to be brave more often I think. Anyone want to lend me some? hehe

I have a chalice  full of bravery to give away. It has been collected from the souls of girls and boys at Susan's. Drop by drop. If is a hard earned chalice.  It just tells us to be strong, it sings the stories of hope. It screams joy. It begs for acceptance. It's yours now. You asked. Be brave.

Hugs

Cindy

Quote from: CindyJames on October 24, 2010, 05:56:34 AM
I have a chalice  full of bravery to give away. It has been collected from the souls of girls and boys at Susan's. Drop by drop. If is a hard earned chalice.  It just tells us to be strong, it sings the stories of hope. It screams joy. It begs for acceptance. It's yours now. You asked. Be brave.

Hugs

Cindy

That was so cute

Quote from: CindyJames on October 24, 2010, 05:56:34 AM
I have a chalice  full of bravery to give away. It has been collected from the souls of girls and boys at Susan's. Drop by drop. If is a hard earned chalice.  It just tells us to be strong, it sings the stories of hope. It screams joy. It begs for acceptance. It's yours now. You asked. Be brave.

Hugs

Cindy

aww I'll share it with everyone :) *hugs*

Oh darling! Fear is a strong emotion, but it is part of our experience. If you didn't feel fear, you wouldn't be human. Here's a little something that has helped me deal with fear in the broad spectrum of experiences in my life:

    I must not fear.
    Fear is the mind-killer.
    Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
    I will face my fear.
    I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
    And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
    Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
    Only I will remain.

It's called the Litany Against Fear.

So, when I'm rock climbing, it's natural for me to get pretty scared.  What if I fall on a piece of gear that might be placed badly? What if I fall and i'm 20 feet above that last piece of gear? What if I fall and that gear pops out, and I deck on the ground?

Things like this constantly jump out of my mind. I cultivate a gentle awareness of these thoughts. Yes, they're there. Yes, they're possible, but really, the safest thing to do is to keep climbing until I can put another piece of protection in the wall. Giving fear an adverse reaction tends to multiply that fear. It grows stronger if you give it heed. It fades, like all emotions do, when you simply observe it gently, and with equanimity.

Maybe tell yourself "this is what fear feels like. This is just fine."  Feel fear in your body. If you manage to catch yourself in a moment of fear, you might notice your breath deepens and speeds up. Maybe your heart beats faster, and you get a tickling sensation that causes you to get up out of your seat and move.

This is normal! It is a human emotion, and we're human. Fear is part of our experience, and our experience is beautiful when you can sit back, hold yourself in stillness, and observe.

The fundamental property of all things is that they come, only to fade away. Fear has this property as well. Why develop such a strong dislike of fear, then, when it will only stop by to say hello, then crumble and die?

Best of luck honey. I hope you do well in transition!

Alia

Thanks Alia! That's really great advice. I think I'm just so used to fear paralyzing me, especially around people. I wish I wasn't so afraid of things but I have to do this, fear cannot stop me.

Quote from: Sada on October 24, 2010, 12:21:05 AM
I think it would be abnormal not to be. There is so much going on inside your body, your mind, and with your life when you transition.

If you are not scared, you're not paying attention.

Any way you cut it, admitting to yourself that you are TG, means you are admitting that you'd rather be dead than live another day in the wrong gender.

It is as NORMAL as we ever want to be... fear tells us we are alive and to really think about what your actions.

I personally discovered a priceless life lesson; we only change when then there is enough pain. We will struggle and fight, knowing the correct course or action; yet we will not initiate until the pain is greater than the fear.

My personal battles have been very hard on many people I love and for that I am so sorry, although I learned so much about myself, my true friends and my amazing family. I have taken for granted so many amazing people who have loved me and been there for me. I thought I knew, thought I gave back, thought I was grateful for having these people in my life. But I DID NOT know, DID NOT appreciate and DID NOT love them back like I should. That is changing.

I would NEVER, ever believed I could be were I am today. It has not been easily, at times I have cried, not slept, or eaten for days. I created the same stress for a few other wonderful people. Maybe we need these struggles and pain. What is pleasure without pain?

The reason for living or life in general is self discovery, growing into your own, and these painful phases are how we know we are alive. In the end we must fall to learn how to pick ourselves up. I just hope I have done all my falling for the next decade or so.

All of life is a transition, where you are does not have to define who you will be.

Be Bold, Be Proud, Be Yourself.

Chris
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.discoverhealthandfitness.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2010%2F10%2FChris-Tina-Bruce-03.jpg&hash=241af0cfafc32081307a8925051c23f988909a4b)

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on October 22, 2010, 11:11:11 PM
So...I feel with my whole heart that I'm a woman. So why do I keep feeling scared and confused and insecure about transitioning? I want to be pretty, and feel pretty. I want to be a girlfriend, a wife, a mother. I even wish I could be pregnant. I want to be treated and seen by all as female. When I started getting facial hair, I felt embarrassed and really sad. I don't feel like I'm a cross-dresser because I want to do everything as female. Work, school, social things, sleep, hygiene etc. I never have a desire to be masculine in any way, in fact I feel trapped in male clothing. I'm so excited to be on hormones and to get boobs, and grow my hair out, etc and the idea of stopping makes me sad. I don't know if my negative feelings come from my codependency on my best friend, my un supportive parents or what. :( I'm really scared. When I wonder if I'll regret this in the future, the only thing I can imagine is being scared to do it and regretting NOT doing it.

hi sweetheart

I know excactly what feelings and doubts you have, because for me it was the same more then 25 years ago.
I started hormones in the late seventies and because of the few operations in this time I had to wait for 6 years for the SRS.
and all that time I was thinking....am I doing the right thing, but you know deep down inside that the feeling that you have is the right feeling.
you are a woman and nothing else, whether you like it or not.
so, just follow your feeling and you know you are right.
By the way, I never had 1 minute of regret in my life, it gave me my own identity.
and I hope you will forgive me my bad grammar of english, my native language is duth


love annette

I'm glad I found this thread. I'm scared too, but I feel it's inevitable. I'm 33 now and I know that after living this long that the feelings haven't gone away. For me it has gotten a little better since I've come out to my girlfriend (now wife), and my immediate family - but it doesn't change the fact I still feel like a girl inside.

I'm so glad to read these responses because it gives me the courage to not run away from facing my fears. I haven't started HRT yet, just Spiro and Avodart so far (with my doctor's supervision). I've also started electrolysis. All these seem like small steps in comparison to full transition. But I also don't want to just keep ignoring it, I already regret not dealing with this earlier in life - so why wouldn't I regret not facing my fears now?

Still, the fear is there, and it's a lot.

transitioning in the face of puplic scorn and ridicule is the single most frightening thing i think a person can ever half to deal with. you have job worries family worries your friends to think about. all will be affected either negatively or possitively by your decission. but weigh in what you deal with if u dont transition dead emotions negative thoughts about life and your future the consider it will get worse as you get older and suddenly at least to this writer its not so scary anymore also consider that until you go under the knife it is still reversable

I think most people going thru transition and the transitioning process are scared and confused, from the time I started hormones to the time I got srs it was 12years.

Quote from: annette on October 28, 2010, 05:05:35 PM
I had to wait for 6 years for the SRS.

Unlike Annette I wasn't waiting 12years, I was just scared of have the irreversable surgery, I was passing perfectly as a woman, years on hormones more or less made my male parts useless, it was my Mother who encourage me to take that final step, I started hormones at 16 and finally had srs at 28, my breast augmentation and FFS was more painful, my srs was painful but more of an inconvenience, dilating which I got use to and some incontinence problems which developed from the srs at the time, the whole transition period was hard, but Iv no regrets, when I get up every morning and look in the mirror I see a beautiful woman, Im married to a completely straight masculine hunk of a guy who sees and fully excepts me as a woman and could never possible see me as a guy, the way he looks at me makes me feel very feminine, yes its great to be a WOMAN!

P