Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi, my name is Chantal. I am new here on these forums and have decided that I need to transition. I am a recent college graduate, and am currently looking for work in my field/ am unemployed. This seems like such a painful road ahead, but I need to be honest to myself. I am transgendered and whatever I do, I will always have the urge to transition. It has been in my mind since I was 4 years old, but growing up as an only child, and with relatively conservative parents. I have to bury my feminine side deep down. The dysphoria has caused me great pain throughout my childhood, so I became very withdrawn/ depressed. I always tried to tell myself that I was a boy, however something didnt fit. I just felt "different" somehow. I was never able to understand why boys were so aggressive and always throwing each other off the snowhill and getting into fights etc. I was into my art, and loved being outside among the beauty of nature. I always wanted to be friends with the girls, but at that age it was so hard. Gender identity really plays a critical role in a child's development. Every time I even dared to go near the girls they were all like ewwwwwww boys have cooties. I remember being age 7/ 8 and thinking of what it would be like to walk down the street in a skirt. By this time the dysphoria was manifesting itself across every aspect of my life. I also developed issues with my anatomy. I didnt even have a clue what gender dysphoria was. Around this age, I also became very aware of my sexuality and without really knowing what I was doing I tried tucking my testicles into my abdomen so that I would be flat like a girl. I remember thinking about what it would be like to be able to wear a bikini, and not have to worry about the bulge between my legs. I knew this wasn't a normal way for an 8 year old boy to act, but I tried to put it in the back of my mind. Fearing that I might be gay. I guess at around the age of 9 I started to really understand that I had a female mind. This was a shocking revelation which caused me great anguish. I kept thinking to myself "I have to tell someone" "I have to tell" yet I could not form the words. I tried at least 2 or 3 times to come out to my mom between the age of 9-12 but never had the courage to do so. Also around this time. Possibly even earlier. I developed a deep phobia of the boys washroom. I just could not stand there with the fear that someone would see me peeing.  So  I would go into one of that stalls for privacy. I thought to myself why do I have this package between my legs, why cant I pee like a girl can. At around age 12 my body started to change. I was very scared of these changes. One thing I did not like was that I gained a lot of weight. However I also developed small breasts and somehow they felt natural on me. I then struggled with weight through the early years of High School but was able to lose it by gr12.  When I was about 14, I got back into tucking. However once I ended up giving myself a pretty bad infection that I probably should have went to the doctor about. However I was definitely in the closet in every sense of the word "closet" my hormones were changing again, and this libido started to kick in. It seemed so wrong. However instead of having fantasies about girls, and stuff that most boys do. I thought of things like being "taken" and metamorphosing into a girl. I was very young. How was I supposed to know about things like "dysphoria." As I got older I really began to research the transition etc, and everything it would involve. However I was scarred ->-bleeped-<-less to ever admit that I might actually want to transition some day. At age 17 I joined a gym, and took good care of my health. I was able to get down to a healthy weight and looked very good. However instead of muscles, I wanted to be skinny, and "vulnerable" in some sense. However, lol. there was a very deep shell surrounding me at this time. I kept trying to tell myself "I am strait" "I am strait" but knew deep down that I was too confused to even know my sexual orientation if my gender orientation was as it was. I then went to get an education for myself, went to another city, and had a totally new experience of living independently from my parents to some degree. I am now back living with them for the time being, but realize that I need to get on my own again. I just need that independence I had. So I am currently looking for jobs in my field. My anxiety has became to a certain point in the last few years that any retail job, or stuff that young people do to survive is very difficult for me. However I need to overcome this. I am now seeing a therapist, and have yet to tell him about my dysphoria. However I do intend to reveal all, and hopefully be sent to a gender specialist. I think that transition is going to be one of the most devastating, yet awakening part of my life. I fear that I may even lose my family because of it. Although I think to some degree they will be accepting. I am now at the point at age 22 that if I don't transition now it will be much harder for me later. I am completely aware of everything the transition entails and realize that my life will be different, and I will be going from the life of a white somewhat privileged male. To becoming a minority. I fear that I may lose my family over this, and that I will be unappeasable and will be discriminated against in the workplace etc. If I am able to start hormones in lets say a year from now? what type of results should I get. I realize that transition is very very very expensive, and I realize that to some extent I am at a disadvantage now than a 17 year old. Do you think I will need all kinds of facial surgeries? will I be passable? lol. I know that the male facial features do not fully develop until the mid 30s. But I am starting to notice a brow ridge/ thick jaw/ and a lot of facial and body hair. What type of results do you think I will get. I am very insecure. Overall I would say that I probably look younger than my actual age, and slightly less masculinized then most 22 year olds. I am starting to become overweight again, but I have started a diet/ exercise regime. I know that being overweight makes transition harder because the fat is in all the male places.

Hi Chantal, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 38es 00 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:

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Hugs and Love,
Janet

Hello Chantal and welcome to Susan's forums. I think many times how things could have been different if I had transitioned many years ago-but I did not and paid the price for repressing those feelings and allowing testosterone to do what it has to my body. You are doing the best thing by seeing a therapist to help sort out these feelings-and they do not go away. If you want to transition you need to start early so testosterone doesn't get too far into 'disfigurement' of your feminine features. If I want to truly look feminine I will need several surgeries-none of which I can afford right now. I am still hoping to win the lottery! However, there are things I can do now which do not require a large investment of money so I concentrate on these and do what I can to remain stable mentally.
Good luck , Randi

Hello Chantal,
I missed your intro before.
But you had such a intresting posting that I went back and found your intro.
I'm glad you are here.
Welcome to Susan's
Jillieann

Hi Chantal

welcome to the forum.
I've read all your earlier posts now because like jillieann i missed your first intro.

If you want to know what's possible, just take a look at narcism now and the photo sharing tread, i'll think you would be amazed.
But the first step is made, you've found a bunch of people who are very supporting and compassionate.
Take your time of transition, step by step, you will be supported and in a few years you will be writing to other newbees with about the same questions you have now.
Just hang on girl, you'll get there, mark my words for it.

love
annette

Chantal:

You wrote your intro wonderfully well.  With your level of erudition and level of sensitivity, it was a joy to read.  Yours certainly sounds like the tale of a classic MTF transsexual, although there truly is no textbook-example transgendered person in actuality. 

All that you say here resonates with so many of us.  I know it does with me, for sure.  Yes, transition is very expensive indeed, and that it is needlessly so but for the appalling avarice of doctors, electrologists and laser-hair-removal centers.  However, these expense levels certainly will not change anytime soon, so we must pay them nonetheless if we are to transition.  Yes, that's a drag.

Finally, though many transwomen tuck, I do not.  Tucking is medically VERY dangerous.  People who do not work in the medical field simply do not realize both the sheer number of and the intense severity of the possible complications from tucking.

Anyway, "welcome home."  Yes, you may very quickly come to feel that Susan's Place is your "home."  You'll find good information, fine people and true acceptance here.  Feel free to just be yourself.  You're safe here and will find kindness here.

Happy Holidays!

:)   Lacey