Susan's Place Transgender Resources

First off, if this isn't the right place to post this, feel free to move it and or delete it.

I was just hoping anyone who was emotionally abused as a child might be able to offer me some advice and guidance.
I apologize in advance for this lengthy post!


..So basically, from age 1-13 my mother and father would move us (my two older brothers and I) from house to house, city to city. Literally ateast once a year and one year was THREE moves. They had a "grass is greener on the other side" philosophy. My mom always blamed it all on my father (who was physically and verbally abusive) yet she never made any effort to get us outta there. Literally. She would sleep all day, "let" us skip school so she wouldn't have to get out of bed. I'd say throughout elementary school and jr.high i missed an accumulated month and a half of school (each year). It may seem hard to believe but it's the truth. At the time, I was super close to my mother and thought she was my heroe, but after some brief counseling and a lot of research, my mom falls under the emotionally needy-abusive mother. Needless to say, parents divorced at 13. Me, mom, and two brothers moved in with moms friend, all sharing ONE bedroom for about 6 months. Meanwhile mom still slept most of the day away (she must have been DEPRESSED) Anyway, so she finally meets a new guy who is pretty wealthy. About a month later we move in with him. It was hard to adjust because right away, my mom became a new person. We never had any rules or structure our whole lives, she would smoke cigarettes until the wee hours of the night and "let" us hang with her, (my dad worked graveyards but he was useless anyway). So now with the stepdad we all of a sudden had rules, a bedtime, weren't allowed to use "foul" language and literally our world was turned upside down. My stepdad took authority immediately, there was no transition. It just was. My mom stayed this way for almost four years, and even when he wasn't around she would still keep up the act. Downright CREEPY. The sad thing is, I started to adjust quite nicely, I was doing great in school, had a great social life, things were generally pretty stable and good. So then a little after I turned 16 my mom just QUIT. She went back to her old ways. Chain smoking (in secret, literally will sneak a cigarette then spray herself down and pop a mint.) She has told me that the only reason she is with him is for financial security and that we are lucky she made that sacrifice for us. She started "letting" me skip school again, of course this was horrible for me, but I was still a child and could only see the short term benefits of missing school. She started keeping major secrets from stepdad, hiding bills, lying constantly, taking money from their account and putting it in mine because "she needed her own money, for the casino and stuff! just keep quiet about it" She's just caused me so many problems. It has led to me being extremely depressed and alcohol dependent. I now am 19. I have no "real" job and I don't go to school. I drink all night, and sleep ALL day. I have tried telling my mom that I need guidance and help, and that I think I am depressed but she just tells me to GET OVER IT. But it's hard. She's living a lie. WE'RE living a lie. NOone knows about our past, and she puts the blame on us and says we're bad, but me and my brother are both exactly the same. "losers" coincidence? I think not. I need help. Am I crazy, should I just "get over it" and somehow try to force myself to function? Or Is she as bad as I think she is and should I seek professional help? I really just don't know. All of the lying has put me in this weird place where I just am so out of touch with reality. It's so frustrating because I want to go to school and function but I can't. I feel consumed by the double life we all live at home..


Thanks

  Drippin,

     I am so sorry to hear that you've had are are having such a hard life. Sometime we assume that since a person is older and has more experience they will be able to guide us in the right direction. We have to remember that our parents are just older kids. That is to say they are the same person inside just a little older than they were. And Sometimes (not always) the foolish irresponsible child grows up to be a foolish irresponsible adult. I am reminded of an old song by Crosby Stills, Nash & Young . "Teach your  children" The lyrics go something like this....


"Teach your children well, their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams, the one they fix, the one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

And you, of the tender years can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth, they seek the truth before they can die.
Teach your parents well, their children's hell will slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams, the one they fix,the one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you"

   Your mother isn't able to give you the guidance you need. You know what you have to do, and it brings a tear to my eye to know how  hard it will be for you to do it alone and without the help and support from the people you count on to give you support. You are going to have to be the adult here. Just by the fact you posted what you did tells me , you know what needs to be done. And just maybe by your good example your mother can learn from you.

   I would love to just give you a big long hug and tell you it's going to be alright.  Instead the next opportunity you have you should give your mother a big long hug and tell her "it's going to be alright.
 

   Love and Hugs, Erocse

     When I was young, I always believed that adults were wiser and more mature and I depended on them to know what is right. Like Erocse said many adults do not know what to do. Some never will know what it is to be mature and responsible. It was one of my biggest dissapointments in life. I had to face the disfunctional life my family lived and acknowledge who my parents are. I still grieve for the good things I believed when I was little and found to be so untrue as an adult.
      Being honest is a very difficult thing to be. Seeing our own faults and those we love honestly can really hurt but it is part of coming out whole. I had to acknowledge the father that I loved was a really terrible terrible person. Though he has not been convicted or charged of any crimes he was guilty of disgusting things that deserved jail. I have not spoken to him in years. By my not seeing him and honestly acknowledging what he did as unforgiveable, my siblings are able to see the truth and are allowed to acknowledge honestly how they were treated as wrong. It hasn't been easy but truth can not be sought out too soon. (Your story is different than mine and your decisions too.)
      You are a good person and should seek out truth and honesty. Your Mom Is WRONG you are not bad or responsible for her poor choices. You do not deserve that life. I can see the road ahead is a difficult one, and wish it wasn't so. Though it will be work I hope you give yourself good things. Drugs and alchohol are not the things that will help you now. Courage, faith and heart to take responsibility for where you are going to choose to go from here.

Our thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Not to change the subject, but I have to ask. Are Erocse and Mrs Erocse related ? You both look like twins ! ???

They are twins. Some say they are brother and sister. But in reality, they are a happly married couple, loving in some places called Oregan.

( Apparently, it's a state, N of Calafornia. I do know it has an amusement park called Jansen Beach which once had the world's biggest roller coaster. I think Superman once flew over it or something).

Thank you for your responses. it's nice to hear opinions from outsiders. It makes it more real. It makes me less crazy than I've been feeling. I found a local support group for children of dysfunctional families. I figure it is a good start. I also contacted a shelter to see if I am eligible for assistance. I know shelters are for people in desperate situations, and idk if they'll take me as desperate enough.. It's just alot to take in and deal with, but idk if I can survive here. I know that a shelter definitely won't be glamorous, and I'll probably miss the luxuries of living here. But to be a full person, free to think and just exist honestly.. Seems so worth it. I have a feeling I'm going to have to put my transition on hold but I am willing to do it.

Thanks again for your responses. Your words mean more than you know

drippin.

To be honest, you need to think about your own life. I realise it will be hard setting up on your own. Your self confidence won't be what it should.

How are your brothers? Can you team up with them?

What has happened to you is really unacceptable. It's time you stood up and said, you've had enough.

Incidently, how is your relationship with your step-dad?

Well, one of my brothers lives in Michigan and has a daughter. And the other lives with me but is hopeless. He is fully aware of the issues but has outright said he is too scared to leave. So I'm on my own. And I don't have a relationship with my stepdad to be honest. It's hard to when I know what's going on and he is clueless.

Quote from: spacial on October 26, 2010, 05:27:23 PM
They are twins. Some say they are brother and sister. But in reality, they are a happly married couple, loving in some places called Oregan.

( Apparently, it's a state, N of Calafornia. I do know it has an amusement park called Jansen Beach which once had the world's biggest roller coaster. I think Superman once flew over it or something).

Thanks Spacial, they do make a great couple.

Quote from: Angela Foureira on October 27, 2010, 07:16:34 AM
Thanks Spacial, they do make a great couple.

They do. Lots of fun as well

Quote from: drippin on October 26, 2010, 07:17:15 PM
Well, one of my brothers lives in Michigan and has a daughter. And the other lives with me but is hopeless. He is fully aware of the issues but has outright said he is too scared to leave. So I'm on my own. And I don't have a relationship with my stepdad to be honest. It's hard to when I know what's going on and he is clueless.

To be honest with you, you're going to need to think about moveing out.

Quote from: Angela Foureira on October 26, 2010, 04:31:50 PM
Not to change the subject, but I have to ask. Are Erocse and Mrs Erocse related ? You both look like twins ! ???

Yep, as above, they're rockin' spouses.  They are WAY cool people, and many of us here hope they go the distance and keep on rockin' one another's worlds.   

@   Erocse:

Your allusion to the classic CSNY song is just awesome, girl!   LUUUV that song.     ;)

@   Mrs. Erocse:

Well said, and so true.  Thanks for the excellent comment!    ;)

So it sounds like Ive had a very very similar life as you. Right now Im nineteen as well. My mom divorced my dad when I was two because he was a crack addict, and for most of my life it was just my sister, mother and I, no father. My mom has always struggled with a very deep depression, and would go days without getting up, only to maybe smoke a cigarette or something like that. There were so many days that she would let us skip school because she didnt wanna get outta bed. I almost didnt graduate because of that. I ended up telling myself that just because Ive had a hard life, and my parents are no example I cant ruin my own life. I ended up getting my license and finding a full time job to be able to support myself. Now I even go to school full time on top of working because I want to make a better life for myself. I guess the only advice I got is to get outta there and not dwell on the past and just try to make a better life for yourself. Good luck.

drippin and michaeljay I can't imagine a life as bad as that though my family wasn't the best but you two need to strike out on your own as you're both adult but not.

You have to be cruel to be kind to your mothers as they will continue to drag you down and hold you back and you'll never sort yourselves out and get a life.

At 19 I was living by myself in one small room so it can be done.

Start researching help associations and how to get uptodate with the schooling you have missed.

Good luck.

(Was crack addiction around so long ago?)

@Michaeljay .. Wow that reminds me SO much of my mom! Except we never lived just with my mom. She's codependent. Went from parents, to husband, to friends, to husband. I've been so angry for so long but like I said in my post, I went to a support group the other day and WOW. I feel better already! The group is called ACA , adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. After going to just one meeting I'm no longer angry with my mom. She was raised in an alcoholic household, so she struggles with the same things I do. Only difference is that I was fortunate enough to come across ACA. I'm so happy. I met a women at the meeting who had almost exactly the same story as me, she was irresponsible, struggled with drugs and alcohol, and she functions now. She's been attending for four years.

I now know it can and WILL get better. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

You should check it out.

Drippin: I totally forgot to mention that we moved over ten times over the years. We stayed with my aunt, my moms friends' friend, her ex husband, my grandmother, etc. but I just consider it with my mom and sister because thats consistently who it was. My mom recently started going to therapy and found out that she had co dependency too! I had never heard of it, but I read the paper that they gave her. And that program sounds really cool, I'll have to def check it out. I think it would be really good for my little sister because she's the one who takes it all and turns it into anger.

Lilacwoman: Thank you I do agree. And yes crack addiction was around back then. When I was that age it was the early 90's I guess the beginning of when it started to become big.

Quote from: michaeljay33 on October 28, 2010, 11:32:25 AM
Drippin: I totally forgot to mention that we moved over ten times over the years. We stayed with my aunt, my moms friends' friend, her ex husband, my grandmother, etc. but I just consider it with my mom and sister because thats consistently who it was. My mom recently started going to therapy and found out that she had co dependency too! I had never heard of it, but I read the paper that they gave her. And that program sounds really cool, I'll have to def check it out. I think it would be really good for my little sister because she's the one who takes it all and turns it into anger.

Lilacwoman: Thank you I do agree. And yes crack addiction was around back then. When I was that age it was the early 90's I guess the beginning of when it started to become big.

That's so awesome that your mom is getting therapy! Mine is in denial. Hardcore denial. She refuses to acknowledge any of the past. It's frustrating. But that's great for you guys and YES you really should check it out! :)

Ooohhh maannn... "Just get over it!"

Those four words piss me off more than anything.

With a schizophrenic mom and me suffering from bipolar disorder, I very very much realize the importance of outside help. The "just get over it" method can make you end up like my mom, who is a (soon to be) homeless ex-millionaire (inherited, then gave it ALL to a stranger) who divorced my dad because "God" told her that he was sleeping with every woman in our city, when in fact she was the one cheating. And then later sneaking off at night to fly off to where ever the guy she was stalking happened to be. And the funniest part? She peed in the lobby at Pebble Beach, Cali. When I was living with her, I'd often be woken up by her trying to bash the voices out of her head, screaming, "DIIIEEE, KILLL!!!!" She then called the cops on me and told them I beat her.

Now, I on the other hand, decided I needed help just this year, after about 4 suicide attempts. I am either the luckiest person ever, or I really suck at it, but seriously, please don't leave it to that point! I don't know about where you are, but in my city, there are public counselors that you can go to if you can't afford others. It's a hassle, but at least it gets you somewhere. After going to counseling and stuff, my life is back on track, and I'm looking to actually graduate high school this year!

It may be a bit of a stretch for an example, but hopefully you get what I'm saying. If your mom doesn't want you going to counseling, therapy, or something, find a way to go anyway. It really does help.

Sorry for the rant... <.<

I'm so sorry drippin that your childhood was a painful one. Your mother is obviously suffering from serious depression but this is still no excuse for her nasty words. 

It's funny that she should say 'get over it' when obviously she should have herself when she had you kids. Sometimes the words said by mentally ill people are really directed at themselves more than anything, but this is hard to understand when you're still a child.

It's good to hear since OP that you have found a support group and feeling happy to be alive. Good luck.  :)

Quote from: Lacey Lynne on October 27, 2010, 11:34:09 PM
Yep, as above, they're rockin' spouses.  They are WAY cool people, and many of us here hope they go the distance and keep on rockin' one another's worlds.   

Sorry to be off-topic, but they are real twins? and they are each others spouses? I'm just curious in a very positive way.

Quote from: fluffles on October 30, 2010, 05:14:02 AM
Sorry to be off-topic, but they are real twins? and they are each others spouses? I'm just curious in a very positive way.

That's funny :laugh: !!! No we are not related in any way except that were are married, 28 years ago. I think if people live together long enough, they tend to act like one another and maybe even look like each other .  But I think our relationship has taken that  to a new level . When I first met my wife, I wished for nothing more then to be like her, in every way. I know I can never hold a candle to the beautiful woman that she is :angel: . But through the years  she has been such  a wonderful inspiration to me.

   Your comments have been extremely complimentary, Thank, you.

  Love & hugs, :-*  Erocse

Quote from: fluffles on October 30, 2010, 05:14:02 AM
Sorry to be off-topic, but they are real twins? and they are each others spouses? I'm just curious in a very positive way.

Yes, Erocse and Mrs. erocse are certainly real spouses!

Cousins?  Twins?  No, I don't think they're blood relatives in any way, but I'm not sure.  I doubt it though.  Feel free to IM them.  They're friendly and approachable.     ;)

@ Erocse:

Your "Happy Halloween" girl is awesome!  I wanna be herrrrr!    ::)

Actually, imagine an older version of her, and I'm built very much like she is ... except for that degree of breast development.    :P  I'm 2 weeks away from 11 months on hormone replacement therapy, so I'm still hopeful.  Patience ... patience ...    ;)

Mr and Mrs e seems so alike because emotionally, they are. That's my impression.

Now that erocse has started to become the person she always was, their similarities are probably more noticable.

Also, though I doubt either will have noticed this themselves, they both seem to have the same type of generous spirit.

It's good to know there are really nice people around.

Now my wife and I, we are opposite in so many ways. But that works really well for us.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,86252.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,86252.0.html)