Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I wrote in a previous post that I was going to tell my best friend that i was trans.We went to the movies and afterwords I brought up my depression  and me being suicidal.But you guessed it I punked out.I only got up to my wanting to die and she asked me why and I couldn't get it out.She said she was mad that I never told her ,and that would have been the perfect moment except a woman sat next to us and I was already nervous.I decided to email her this.


          Tiffany
     When you asked me why I wasn't happy I knew but was afraid to tell you and that lady was sitting too close.I'm still terrified of your reaction.The truth is I've been depressed about my life since I was about 11.The reason is that I've never felt an attachment to my body,I've never felt happy about it.For years I knew but yet didn't know why. Last summer the only reason I didn't kill myself was because I realized that I wasn't alone in feeling the way that I do.The truth is,I'm transgender.I know, I know, crazy right, your mouth probably just dropped to the floor.As a child I liked playing basketball and baseball.I had action figures,I liked playing in the dirt and with bugs.I also liked playing with dolls and I desperately wanted long hair.I had a pretty good childhood considering my situation. I was jealous of  girls because they were growing breast and starting their periods.I was jealous of the boys because they seemed so at ease with their bodies.I never felt like a girl in a boys body I just felt detached.I spent every night for 7 years,from 11 to 18, praying that god would either make me a normal boy or allow me to wake up a girl.As you know I didn't pay much attetion to my apperance until about Junior year.That was part of the detachment I was talking about, I felt like I just needed to wait for god to do something about how I was feeling.It was like waiting for a train that would never come,every birthday that passed by depresed me because it was another year that I had to feel the same way and it was another year I had to wait for god.You know how crazy I am about The Sims and classic movies. These things were my escape from reality,I got off lucky a lot of other trans people killed themselves and/or got into heavy drugs.                                                                               
    It wasn't until Junior year that I decided to really try to be one of the guys.I started lifting weights ,buying nicer clothing and kept my hair cut close.I tried to forget the way I felt because according to our raising it wasn't natural or normal to feel the way I did.It was the summer of graduation that things got hopeless for me.I felt like here I was 18,a legal adult,I have my whole adult life ahead of me and I don't care.That summer I realized that the way I felt wasn't just going to go away.I secluded myself more and more from friends and family, including you.I had finally realized that god wasn't going to change the way I felt.I didn't know then that I was trans, I just knew that I didn't feel normal and that I was tired of pretending to be the guy I was born to be.Everyday going past my front door meant pretending to be more masculine,it was  like walking on a stage  to perform daily,That's why I ditched school so much to go home .It was the one place I didn't have to pretend.I guess at this point your wondering about my sexuality.I'm more attracted to guys but I've only ever really liked girls so, yeah.Last summer I watched an episode of Oprah and and she had a transgender woman on her show.The woman wasn't wearing pounds of make up and she wasn't extra feminine,she didn't look like a man in drag, she was just a woman and seeing that made me question whether I was like her.I went to my doctor to see if he knew of any therapist who could cure me.I still wasn't ready to except myself as trans.I went from therapist to therapist and they didn't seem to know what to do with me.Nobody had any answers other than me being  trans.There is so much more that I want to tell you but this is already too long.I just wanted to say that I love you,your basically my sister but I understand if you can't handle this it's a lot to deal with. If you still want to talk to me ,I'll talk to you later if not I love you and it's been fun.Goodbye.

What do you guys think?

I'm terrified right now.

Sounds good to me, but you know your friend.  I would suggest that you open out the paragraphs as it looks like a run on sentence.  But otherwise it is good.

If she really is a close friend, I have faith that she will respond favorably. I have come out to dozens of friends by now, and it has gotten to the point that it is almost enjoyable. There is still the fear in getting the words out, but once you are out, the joy of being able to share this with someone else makes you feel great. Now this doesn't necessarily hold true for family, but my friends have been a source of joy and inspiration in my transition.

OMGGGGGGGGGGGG! I'm a huge jokster so the first thing she said to me was"Are you serious?".She said she doesn't know what she would do without me and then she said that I was crazy for not thinking better of her.She wants to help pick out my female name,and wants me to be a better shopping partner.She said that if I had not kept bringing up stories about trans people she might have been more confused but she said she thinks no less of me.It was weird talking about it at first but it got comfortable really fast.The thing I fear is my embarrassment about it.With my therapist I feel so sure of myself and unashamed but on the phone with her I suddenly felt embarrassed talking about it with her.What could that mean?Well anyway I'm very happy this.

Congratulations! I think the embarrassment comes from having kept it a secret for so long like it was a source of shame. Once it is out, there is still a bit of a residual feeling from this.  It is great you now have a friend you can be fully yourself with. 

Good for you. It's great to have friends that are so accepting!

Quote from: tori319 on October 29, 2010, 01:40:11 AM
OMGGGGGGGGGGGG! I'm a huge jokster so the first thing she said to me was"Are you serious?".She said she doesn't know what she would do without me and then she said that I was crazy for not thinking better of her.She wants to help pick out my female name,and wants me to be a better shopping partner.She said that if I had not kept bringing up stories about trans people she might have been more confused but she said she thinks no less of me.It was weird talking about it at first but it got comfortable really fast.The thing I fear is my embarrassment about it.With my therapist I feel so sure of myself and unashamed but on the phone with her I suddenly felt embarrassed talking about it with her.What could that mean?Well anyway I'm very happy this.

My darling Tori,

Congratulations

Welcome to being and living as a woman
.

The embarrassment, believe it or not, disappears second time out

OMGGGG.
That sounded like my childhood, I started to get depressed reading it. But.
You told someone who responded well by the sounds.

Congrats.

Grass isnt any greener on the other side, its just grass, but it sure feels good on the toes (when painted  :)

Wow!
Just read all the postings. Wow!
I so understand the fear and embarrassment.
I'm glad you did let them stop you from telling your friend.
You have someone who knows, cares for you and wants to help.
Wow! Your a lucky girl. Way to go Tori.
Jillieann

Tori, that is great to hear. Hope that it goes just as well, when you reveal to others as well. :)

tori

I read the email first and it was so profound, so from the heart. It shook me to be honest.

Then I read the response and frankly, I'm not in the least surprised.

You're in touch there girl. Your friend is so lucky to have you as you are her.

You life begins here. Now. I couldn't be more happy for you.

I can't wait to hear how things go on your shopping trip.

Congratulations Tori.  Now your life can go forwards much better.

When I tried to get family doctor to cure me he ran out of house.    :D

Congratulations Tori on finding out you have such a fantastic friend.
Reading your e-mail was almost like reading my own experience.  I will use it as a model for any coming-out letter I have to write in the future.

Sandra.

Congratulation on the awesome result that you received.  You now have an ally and a friend for life.  Each time we come out it get easier.


Hugs

Thanks everyone.It does bother me having that embarrassment it's like I spent so long trying to be a guy that any threat to my masculinity still kind of bothers me.I'm tried of pretending but It's all I've ever known.But I'm extremely happy that she excepted me.She even said that she felt bad because she had made fun of trans people in front of me.It's such a relief thanks everybody.

We are happy to hear your good news! Thank you for sharing.  :)