Community Conversation => Transitioning => Therapy => Topic started by: Adabelle on November 16, 2010, 05:35:19 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Putting my thoughts out there after each therapy session
Post by: Adabelle on November 16, 2010, 05:35:19 PM
Post by: Adabelle on November 16, 2010, 05:35:19 PM
It's been about a year and a half since I've seen a therapist. The last one I saw was in NYC.
I've seen two therapists before this one. One in 2003 before I was out to anyone. I went to him asking, "what is wrong with me that I want to be a girl? can I be cured of this disease?". He was really helpful in helping me look at my feelings more objectively and not be afraid to be honest with myself.
The second therapist I saw was in 2009. I had come out to several people by then and was very open about my gender feelings with my wife. But I still felt strong gender incongruence and wanted to know more about lowering my testosterone in the hopes of helping me feel better. She helped me evaluate my feelings about that, and helped me feel confident I was moving ahead for the right reason. So I started on Spiro and Avodart with an endo with her referral.
So it's been about 18 months now - and lately I've just been feeling like I've hit another wall. My wife and I (and kitty) have moved to Seattle from NYC, and I've been meaning to find a new therapist. So I did, and had my first appointment yesterday. Why? Because even though I have a lower testosterone, and it does help take the edge off - I still don't feel right inside. So now I am trying to face head on the questions and fears around transitioning, or at minimum adding Estrogen to the mix - which I know will have more noticeable consequences. I guess I just feel like a lot of the things I've done up until now were just ways of distracting myself, of not really addressing the underlying lifelong gender issues. I know I probably wasn't ready to really address this before now, but I'm tired of putting off the inevitable (if that's what it is). If in 5, 10, 20 years I feel the same, then I should find how to live - starting as soon as reasonably possible.
I found someone who comes recommended by more than one person in the trans community here, so I felt good about making an appointment. I felt anxious and excited all at the same time - because I know deep down this is the conversation I've been needing to have my whole life. Before I was really just trying to wrap my mind around the idea of really feeling like a girl inside (and accepting that without wanting to hurl myself off a cliff), and now I feel like I'm to the heart of the matter.
It was so good. The therapist I went and saw I connected with instantly. She has excellent active listening skills, and embodies compassion in the way she speaks. I am so grateful to have found her. She's worked with a lot of trans clients, and is active in the LGBT community here - so I feel I'm in good hands.
After the session I am noticing there's a couple topics that make me all emotional when talking about my transgender feelings. It started happening before the session, just came out again yesterday. First, I get really emotional when I'm thinking about how grateful I am to have the people I do in my life. It's very much happy tears I guess, but coming from a really conservative upbringing I didn't expect to have people in my life who accept me and love me as I am. I spent so many years in such sheer terror over the fear of rejection, that to this day I break down a bit when I think about how fortunate I am for people in my life who love me and support me. I know there are those who will likely reject me when I'm out, but I have a precious small group of friends, professionals, and family in my life that I know are with me to the end. I love them and am so grateful for them.
Also, the discussion about my wife and my marriage. I love my wife so much, and the thought of living without her makes me tear up with sadness every time I think of that possibility. Transition I know is not an easy road, and I would hope that somehow the two of us could make it through the curves and bumps together and emerge on the other side. I also know that it's a lot to ask someone to go through transition along side. I tear up because I know I'm asking so much of her, and yet I love her so much and just can't imagine life without her - but I also really want her to be as happy as she can be, even if that means without me - and as painful as that would be for me. Neither she nor I know how we will journey the road ahead, or if we can make it together. (One paragraph is probably sufficient for this topic since my keyboard isn't waterproof.) ;)
Anyway, I was able to sit in that couch and talk through some of these things yesterday and it just felt so good. Ever since my very first session with a good therapist I have become a huge fan of therapy (group, individual, or otherwise). In two weeks I have another appointment and I am really looking forward to it. I'm scared of the impending 'decision' to move forward or find another path; scared to death. But I also have growing strength that I can make it through.
I spent so many years ignoring this elephant in my life, and it feels so good to be moving forward with someone I have confidence in to help me face what's coming - whatever that is.
I've seen two therapists before this one. One in 2003 before I was out to anyone. I went to him asking, "what is wrong with me that I want to be a girl? can I be cured of this disease?". He was really helpful in helping me look at my feelings more objectively and not be afraid to be honest with myself.
The second therapist I saw was in 2009. I had come out to several people by then and was very open about my gender feelings with my wife. But I still felt strong gender incongruence and wanted to know more about lowering my testosterone in the hopes of helping me feel better. She helped me evaluate my feelings about that, and helped me feel confident I was moving ahead for the right reason. So I started on Spiro and Avodart with an endo with her referral.
So it's been about 18 months now - and lately I've just been feeling like I've hit another wall. My wife and I (and kitty) have moved to Seattle from NYC, and I've been meaning to find a new therapist. So I did, and had my first appointment yesterday. Why? Because even though I have a lower testosterone, and it does help take the edge off - I still don't feel right inside. So now I am trying to face head on the questions and fears around transitioning, or at minimum adding Estrogen to the mix - which I know will have more noticeable consequences. I guess I just feel like a lot of the things I've done up until now were just ways of distracting myself, of not really addressing the underlying lifelong gender issues. I know I probably wasn't ready to really address this before now, but I'm tired of putting off the inevitable (if that's what it is). If in 5, 10, 20 years I feel the same, then I should find how to live - starting as soon as reasonably possible.
I found someone who comes recommended by more than one person in the trans community here, so I felt good about making an appointment. I felt anxious and excited all at the same time - because I know deep down this is the conversation I've been needing to have my whole life. Before I was really just trying to wrap my mind around the idea of really feeling like a girl inside (and accepting that without wanting to hurl myself off a cliff), and now I feel like I'm to the heart of the matter.
It was so good. The therapist I went and saw I connected with instantly. She has excellent active listening skills, and embodies compassion in the way she speaks. I am so grateful to have found her. She's worked with a lot of trans clients, and is active in the LGBT community here - so I feel I'm in good hands.
After the session I am noticing there's a couple topics that make me all emotional when talking about my transgender feelings. It started happening before the session, just came out again yesterday. First, I get really emotional when I'm thinking about how grateful I am to have the people I do in my life. It's very much happy tears I guess, but coming from a really conservative upbringing I didn't expect to have people in my life who accept me and love me as I am. I spent so many years in such sheer terror over the fear of rejection, that to this day I break down a bit when I think about how fortunate I am for people in my life who love me and support me. I know there are those who will likely reject me when I'm out, but I have a precious small group of friends, professionals, and family in my life that I know are with me to the end. I love them and am so grateful for them.
Also, the discussion about my wife and my marriage. I love my wife so much, and the thought of living without her makes me tear up with sadness every time I think of that possibility. Transition I know is not an easy road, and I would hope that somehow the two of us could make it through the curves and bumps together and emerge on the other side. I also know that it's a lot to ask someone to go through transition along side. I tear up because I know I'm asking so much of her, and yet I love her so much and just can't imagine life without her - but I also really want her to be as happy as she can be, even if that means without me - and as painful as that would be for me. Neither she nor I know how we will journey the road ahead, or if we can make it together. (One paragraph is probably sufficient for this topic since my keyboard isn't waterproof.) ;)
Anyway, I was able to sit in that couch and talk through some of these things yesterday and it just felt so good. Ever since my very first session with a good therapist I have become a huge fan of therapy (group, individual, or otherwise). In two weeks I have another appointment and I am really looking forward to it. I'm scared of the impending 'decision' to move forward or find another path; scared to death. But I also have growing strength that I can make it through.
I spent so many years ignoring this elephant in my life, and it feels so good to be moving forward with someone I have confidence in to help me face what's coming - whatever that is.