Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, I'm fairly sure I have some serious depression. Fortunately, I've spotted what most of my triggers are.

Recently, showering has become one of them. I don't really smell, so for the temporary, not showering isn't an issue. However, bathing is hard for me to do. I hate it, and the last time I did (3 days ago), my mind broke. I cried for 3 hours non stop and was unable to sleep while having some thoughts I never want to have again.

I don't really know what I can do now. I have an appointment with a therapist on Tuesday, so that will probably help. But honestly, even the thought of taking a shower scares me, I really don't want to fall back into depression again :( Just wondering if anyone has any suggestions for looking/smelling clean without bathing.

BAH. I wish stuff like this would stop.

I feel pretty bad when I take showers, too.

I get frustrated because of my body and it just makes me feel terrible, my mom still thinks this is just a 'phase' but I've been living with this for years now, she reminds me a lot of how my body will never be the way I want it to be and when I shower I remember that and it just makes me feel miserable, I was diagnosed with clinical depression 2 years ago.

one thing I tend to do though is, washing my hair only, in the sink, wash my arm pits, with water of the sink too and some soap.
you can wash yourself 'down there' like this too, you take off your pants and sit in the toilet and get a glass of water and put water with a bit of soap if necessary and wash it with your hands.

I hope this works for you.

hey, have you ever tried showering in the dark with loud music on?

maybe get a shower matt so you wont slip in the dark.

Quote from: Luukas on November 21, 2010, 12:14:13 AM
you can wash yourself 'down there' like this too, you take off your pants and sit in the toilet and get a glass of water and put water with a bit of soap if necessary and wash it with your hands.

At the moment, I don't think that would work well. >.<

Quote from: Elijah on November 21, 2010, 12:15:57 AM
hey, have you ever tried showering in the dark with loud music on?

maybe get a shower matt so you wont slip in the dark.

That's what I was doing last time, but without music. I wouldn't be able to keep any electronics in the room. :\ I don't think music would help much.

if you want to be able to clean under the belt w/o causing as much dysphoria get a loofa thingy, it works great at cleaning, and you dont have to touch anything.

like this..
http://product-image.tradeindia.com/00226553/b/0/Body-Loofah.jpg (http://product-image.tradeindia.com/00226553/b/0/Body-Loofah.jpg)

Quote from: Elijah on November 21, 2010, 12:28:08 AM
if you want to be able to clean under the belt w/o causing as much dysphoria get a loofa thingy, it works great at cleaning, and you dont have to touch anything.

like this..
http://product-image.tradeindia.com/00226553/b/0/Body-Loofah.jpg (http://product-image.tradeindia.com/00226553/b/0/Body-Loofah.jpg)

This is a bit embarrassing, but those things are pretty scary...
They're like coarse fuzz balls. And last time I used one, my skin got all red :( Fail, right?

ohh hmm maybe you just have sensitive skin

try using a sea sponge, or a fluffy washcloth those are pretty soft

I've always had a hard time showering myself. It sucks, because if I don't shower every day my skin breaks out like crazy. But I've gone through a number of periods of only showering like once a week at best. Never really understood why until I came out to myself. No suggestions, just commiserating.

Firstly, everyone smells if they don't wash, do not kid yourself that you don't. You may not be able to smell yourself but other people can, and if you are pre T it will be a strong unwashed female odour.

Use a wash mitt, a soft one. If touching your own body really is difficult for you then just imagine that it's another person's parts you're washing.

Quote from: JohnR on November 21, 2010, 04:02:01 AM
Use a wash mitt, a soft one. If touching your own body really is difficult for you then just imagine that it's another person's parts you're washing.

That's what I do or just focus on what it would look like if it were there. As for my chest I just convince myself that it's Gynecomastia. Sometimes doesn't work but sometimes it does. Maybe you could try something similar?

If your skin has trouble with the rougher stuff there are (this'll sound odd) softer things in the kids/baby section. Like soft loofas.

I'm sorry to hear that showering is such a problem for you. :(

I like showering. I use my shower time to think and problem solve. Whether it is fleshing out some idea for work or working out different ways an upcoming (important) conversation can go or something else. Showering is my brain time.

The body washing stuff is really on autopilot, so I don't pay attention to it. To the point where sometimes I'll shampoo my hair more than once, because I'm not thinking about it and I don't remember that I've done it already.

I don't know what mental tricks you can use to disassociate from your body (making a list, solving problems, inventing fiction & creating a story-line in your head, singning to music, etc.), but if you do have something that works in other contexts, then try to  introduce it for the shower.

Quote from: JohnR on November 21, 2010, 04:02:01 AM
Firstly, everyone smells if they don't wash, do not kid yourself that you don't. You may not be able to smell yourself but other people can, and if you are pre T it will be a strong unwashed female odour.

No honestly, it's not that noticeable, unless it's been 2 weeks. I live with many people, and they'd tell me if I needed to take a shower (aka, smell). We kinda joke about it, like "hey... ___ whens the last time you touched water? haha"
So, I'd know if I ever started smelling. I don't smell "fresh", but I don't have a significant amount of smelliness to have it be noticed, at least for a while.

Quote from: Sean on November 21, 2010, 06:26:10 AM
I like showering. I use my shower time to think and problem solve. Whether it is fleshing out some idea for work or working out different ways an upcoming (important) conversation can go or something else. Showering is my brain time.

I don't know what mental tricks you can use to disassociate from your body (making a list, solving problems, inventing fiction & creating a story-line in your head, singning to music, etc.), but if you do have something that works in other contexts, then try to  introduce it for the shower.

Showering used to be that kind of thing for me, but it just kept  getting worse :\ So now I can't really think, because I just want to get it over with when I do shower,

I just use my imagination. I don't look at myself. I just use the mental image of me.

I used to be really dry and never would sweat. I remember my doctor telling me I felt like an alligator when I was little. I only had to wash my hair once a week. Never had acne, could run a mile in the summer and would not break a sweat. It took awhile for me to start having a smell. Since stopping birth control a few months ago its been the complete opposite. I have to shower every day sometimes two. I have to blot my nose its so oily. I also am getting acne. I have to use deodorant. I can break a sweat at work. Now I know why people like taking showers. Feels so refreshing now.

Tried doing it in hot or cold water?  Cold water is uncomfortable but it'll distract you and you'll be speedy getting out.  Hot water...I dunno, I just enjoy hot water, so I focus on the water itself instead of me.  So my mind just tends to go blank when I have to wash my body.  Don't know how it is with you.  But try both of them anyway.

Yeah, I've been taking cold showers in the dark since I was 12.  I've gotten pretty good at totally drifting off when I shower, thinking about unrelated things to the point that I re-shampoo, etc. because I am not paying attention.  I like the music idea and would incorporate that if I didn't live in a dorm.  You can pick up a cheap radio at a dollar store if you're worried about damaging it from the humidity.  I hope you can find something that works for you!

Maybe you could try showering with your binder on, then throwing it in the wash afterwards? You could plan this to be on a day when you would normally do laundry anyways, since you don't have to bathe often. But this would only work if it's seeing/feeling your moobs when bathing.

Or, you could wash your hair and other various smell producing body parts in the sink or just over the tub. When I'm in a rush, I lean over the tub, wash my hair, and use a cup to rinse. I don't even have to get undressed.

Yeah I think we all come up with different coping mechanisms after awhile. But not showering isn't a great option. Your personal choice not to of course, but eventually you will smell whether you think you do or not. There's some standard hygienic reasons that you should be showering - the main one being to wash off bacteria that gets built up on your body just from living.

I do a number of things in the shower besides getting clean, some of which aren't exactly fit for public consumption ;) Have you tried wearing a packer in the shower? Also, I second the imagination technique. If you can harness the power of imagination I swear you can be damn near invincible.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on November 21, 2010, 04:49:32 PM
Have you tried wearing a packer in the shower? Also, I second the imagination technique. If you can harness the power of imagination I swear you can be damn near invincible.

Seriously this is the first thing I thought of. I feel relieved for not having to be the only one to suggest it.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on November 21, 2010, 04:49:32 PM
Yeah I think we all come up with different coping mechanisms after awhile. But not showering isn't a great option. Your personal choice not to of course, but eventually you will smell whether you think you do or not. There's some standard hygienic reasons that you should be showering - the main one being to wash off bacteria that gets built up on your body just from living.

I generally try to take a shower every 4 days. I don't like not showering, but I don't like going back into depression a lot more. :\

Quote from: insideontheoutside on November 21, 2010, 04:49:32 PM
Have you tried wearing a packer in the shower? Also, I second the imagination technique. If you can harness the power of imagination I swear you can be damn near invincible.

So, I have this weird tendency to always link things to bad things, to worse and worse things. So using my imagination ends up feeling like a nightmare. I don't have a packer.

Quote from: Morgan on November 21, 2010, 04:40:35 PM
Maybe you could try showering with your binder on, then throwing it in the wash afterwards? You could plan this to be on a day when you would normally do laundry anyways, since you don't have to bathe often. But this would only work if it's seeing/feeling your moobs when bathing.

I was thinking this could be a great idea, but I can't afford a binder atm :( Or sports bras, or stuff to make one/have failed 3 times at trying to make a crappy one. So I can't really implement that idea.

Oh my god, man. I truly am sorry, but this topic in a strange way made me happy because I thought I was the only one.

What I do, since I'll die a little on the inside if I don't take a shower when I wake up, is that I just don't look down. The only problem with that is when my arm hits one of my boobs or something then I wonder what is in my way. Lol. No joke.

Anyway, what I suggest, uh...try showering in the dark?

And don't take a bath. Bath = dysphoria. Well, at least it does for me. I'll start crying if I take a bath, even if I like taking baths, I can't stand the fact that I have to see my body when I take a bath. Basically, what I'm saying is that baths are worse than showers when it comes to dysphoria in my experience.

In all honesty, I suggest showering in the dark. This only works if you're not afraid of the dark and if you're not half-asleep because then you might fall asleep. It's happened.

You could also try just pretending like it's somebody else's body. I don't know how well that would work for you, but it sometimes works for me. Sometimes.

Otherwise, I just take really quick showers because I honestly just want to get it over with. I hate being completely naked with my female body.

Or, as somebody else suggested, you could try showering in your binder. Don't know how well that would work since I currently use ace bandage and not a binder, but that's something you could try.

Edit:// By the way, your orange hair is very orange. I like it. (: Well...at least I think it's orange, I'm partially color blind.

Quote from: Devyn on November 21, 2010, 08:32:01 PM

And don't take a bath. Bath = dysphoria. Well, at least it does for me. I'll start crying if I take a bath, even if I like taking baths, I can't stand the fact that I have to see my body when I take a bath. Basically, what I'm saying is that baths are worse than showers when it comes to dysphoria in my experience.

dude me too! my mom asked me if i wanted bath soaps/salts for christmas and I was all "NOOOOOOO" and she got sad and offended lol.

Taking baths makes me suicidal. seeing my boobs pop out of the water makes me so depressed, i suppose if i had a super deep tub with tons of bubbles it would be ok, but i dont feel clean after bathing.. its like 'bathing in your your own filth"

Quote from: Elijah on November 21, 2010, 08:39:12 PM
dude me too! my mom asked me if i wanted bath soaps/salts for christmas and I was all "NOOOOOOO" and she got sad and offended lol.

Taking baths makes me suicidal. seeing my boobs pop out of the water makes me so depressed, i suppose if i had a super deep tub with tons of bubbles it would be ok, but i dont feel clean after bathing.. its like 'bathing in your your own filth"

That's the same for me! My step-grandmother bought me all of these bath soaps and ->-bleeped-<- for my birthday last year and when I was in private, I was just all, "->-bleeped-<-." because I knew I wasn't going to use it and I didn't know where to hide it so that I didn't hurt her feelings if she sees it sitting out unused. (My step-grandmother is one of those people that is way too nice. Like, you just can't hurt her feelings. XD)

I agree, man. Completely.

Quote from: Devyn on November 21, 2010, 08:44:27 PM
That's the same for me! My step-grandmother bought me all of these bath soaps and ->-bleeped-<- for my birthday last year and when I was in private, I was just all, "->-bleeped-<-." because I knew I wasn't going to use it and I didn't know where to hide it so that I didn't hurt her feelings if she sees it sitting out unused. (My step-grandmother is one of those people that is way too nice. Like, you just can't hurt her feelings. XD)

I agree, man. Completely.

you could have used the soaps in the shower.. or poured them out a little over time in the sink.  I know how you feel about not wanting to hurt someones feelings.

Quote from: Elijah on November 21, 2010, 08:51:29 PM
you could have used the soaps in the shower.. or poured them out a little over time in the sink.  I know how you feel about not wanting to hurt someones feelings.

That...is very true. O: Now I know what to do if I get more

I know what you mean. I can't stand being naked in a shower. Post swimming wearing a tankini I managed fine. I cope by having a wash with half of me covered at once or having a bath up to my neck in water (I like feeling weightless in hot water) closing my eyes or not looking.

Smellies, in the past I've either given them away immediately or saved them to give as presents to someone who will like them.  To get round being bought something I wouldn't wash a poodle in I've told family that what I would really like is xxx or gift vouchers. If you play it crafty you might be able to save an empty container, or buy a cheap neutral looking one, and put what you like in. I did that when it was all the rage to decant your smellies out of plastic bottles into nice plain glass ones.

Quote from: Devyn on November 21, 2010, 08:32:01 PM
Or, as somebody else suggested, you could try showering in your binder. Don't know how well that would work since I currently use ace bandage and not a binder, but that's something you could try.

Edit:// By the way, your orange hair is very orange. I like it. (: Well...at least I think it's orange, I'm partially color blind.

I don't have a binder. I was thinking that it wouldn't get the part under the binder clean though.... Does ace work well? (I won't use it for everyday binding, it hurts :( )

LOL, So, it looks orange to me too (I'm partially blue-yellow color blind). It was red IRL. :D

Quote from: Elijah on November 21, 2010, 08:39:12 PMi dont feel clean after bathing.. its like 'bathing in your your own filth"

That's why I don't take baths for cleaning purposes. They're really relaxing, when there are enough bubbles and water of course.

You're lucky, in a way  o..o
I live in Brazil, so i have to take a shower every single day. If not, i would smell as bad as a skunk  XD
Also, my skin is very greasy... I wash my face 3~4 times per day so i can feel "clean"  .-.
I don't like to wash this body, too, but... It's a need  =/
Usually, i just ignore the parts i don't like, or wash them with the eyes closed.

Wish you can deal with your disphoria  =)

I had this problem after I hit puberty. I didn't like showers to begin with, but then it started to really ruin my day. I probably showered every two days then, and it made me depressed. I always ended up sitting on the floor, wrapped in a towel, just thinking and trying to distance myself from it all. You can pretend you're washing someone else, you can just tune into the pleasant sensations, you can sing really loudly and focus on trying to hit notes rather than on washing. Sometimes I'd wear an old t-shirt into the shower - wash my armpits, feet, etc with soap, and just let water clean the rest. When I avoided showers for a really long time, I would use a washcloth and just wash my armpits by reaching through the sleeves of my shirt. It's a tricky situation... I hope it gets better for you.

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I encourage myself to shower enough by fapping

Well, my two options are-

Get a waterproof strap and jack off in the shower (Its loads of fun)

Get yourself the most masculine soap you can find and you will smell clean and masculine. I freaking love it.

Quote from: Mr.Rainey on November 24, 2010, 09:23:40 AM
Well, my two options are-

Get a waterproof strap and jack off in the shower (Its loads of fun)

:O That sounds like something that could work really well.