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I can't get it up anymore but I still have the desire to make love to my wife. I have offered to put on a strap-on dildo and make love to her but she won't have anything to do with that. I know that she is not happy with the situation and I don't know what to do. Any ideas please.

But surely you must have known this would happen eventually, right?
I'm the farthest thing from an expert but perhaps there are plenty of ways to make love to another person..

She's not into just foreplay and sex toys? Oh dear....I'm assuming you're on HRT? I don't know if things like viagra would still help...you can ask your doc if you're curious.

Hi, my suggestion is to stop taking anti-androgens, assuming that you are taking them, and to just take estrogen and progesterone.  That will elevate your testosterone levels a bit (E will still keep it lower on its own) and you should be able to get it up.

I should point out that if you are working towards becoming a biological woman, having no penis but rather a vagina is the end result, so the problem will come eventually, unless you want to be in the middle, which is okay too.

My thought for the moment is to stop suppressing your T levels.  I know that is okay, at least with pellets, as I discussed this particular topic with my endo at the time.

Viagra should still help.

Use a penile pump.  You can stay on  HRT, avoid the complications of Viagra.  And is can be part of fore play.

I'm in the same club. Though not on any HRT of any kind.

I just don't like it and never really did.

I started trying to do it, because I convinced myself that I had to, (or should). Fortunately, my wife realised and told me that she didn't want it any more.

That was after about 10 years if marriage, almost 20 years ago. I've not had any sexual activity with anyone since and don't miss it at all.

Perhaps you could discuss the matter with your wife. But I suggest you ask her what she wants.

you would need to first ask her dear about what she wants and then decide what you want after which is best you speak to your doc/endo/therapist about what/how is the best method of enjoying it...

Same problem different reason.  Tried a strap on but was too big and failed to use enough lubrication.  A lesson in laughter and pain.

Did the penile pump but couldn't comprehend how to use a rectangular cock ring.  Tried another cock ring but not even that helped.

Contemplated using an evening of massage with different massage oils and possibly the introduction of a variation of a vibrating egg and some other intimate details till I broke my foot making it difficult to maneuver around.  I am considering that sometime this weekend.

If nothing else Google to learn what you can on how lesbians make love.

Brook

I hate to wreck anyones backup plan but Viagra or other ED DRUGS will not help if the ED is caused from LOW T.  The half life of T is short so it may be ok to use a dose of T GEL now and then with viagra or cialis.

Does your wife care for ANY part of making love with you ir is she just against the strap on? You may want to start with a small vibe that has the REAL SKIN material then work up to the SO.

Hi Stephany

making love to your wife can be done in different ways.
It not only penetration, it's the warmth, the comfort being with the one you love.
How many women do have an orgasm with penetration.....yeah right.
While most women do have one with stimulating the clitoris, hugging, saying sweet (and sometimes dirty) words.
If penetration is all about,  lesbians should not have a fine sexlife.
Well believe me, they have.
So, the suggestion is, make love on another way, after all your mouth is not only to talk with.

I'll hope it work out for you


hugs
annette

You have to think about the emotional component, from the wife's side.  It's bad enough to feel that she is not woman enough to keep her man a man, but worse yet not to be be able to get it up.  She is probably feeling inadequate and not-very sexy.  Until you deal with that, mechanical stuff is not going to matter.

GinaDouglas:  You brought up a good point.  I like what you said.  A big problem for trans women who are married to a woman prior to HRT and SRS probably married thinking that she would have a lifelong friend for her vagina.  She felt that she is attractive and as you said can get it up.  I do not have a vagina (yet), but I can imagine that she has nerves in her vagina and feels the penetration, likes it, and feels connected in this way.  There are millions of years, couples, and social / religious prodding (or whatever a good word is here) to reinforce penetrative sex.  With what she knew as her husband now becoming a wife, there is a huge issue of her having to deal with not only the loss of a husband (and gaining a wife), but the loss of a "friend" for her vagina.  I can understand both sides and I do not know what the fairest thing is, although I do know that staying "male" is not an option if one was born female.

Good point.

Quote from: StacyBeaumont on November 25, 2010, 05:52:03 PM
I hate to wreck anyones backup plan but Viagra or other ED DRUGS will not help if the ED is caused from LOW T.  The half life of T is short so it may be ok to use a dose of T GEL now and then with viagra or cialis.

Does your wife care for ANY part of making love with you ir is she just against the strap on? You may want to start with a small vibe that has the REAL SKIN material then work up to the SO.

I'm pretty sure that this isn't the case.  PDE5 inhibitors ARE less effective when taken with Cyproterone though, which might be the origin of this idea.  To simplify it a great deal, Sildenafil is eliminated by a group of CYP enzymes, most notably CYP3A4.  The level of these enzymes varies from person to person, which is one reason that some drugs have a varied effect.  Regardless of your baseline, there are a number of drugs that affect the level of these CYP enzymes.  CYP3A4 levels may be elevated, or inhibited, depending on the other medications that you may be taking.  Cyproterone happens to increase levels of CYP3A4, which means that the Sildenafil will be eliminated from the body much faster than it would under other conditions. 

I fail to see how the half-life of testosterone has any bearing in this situation. 

Is penetrative, vanilla sex the only thing that gets her off?
There are hundreds of other ways of manking sexy times without a penis involved; she may be open to one of those.

Quote from: CaitJ on November 27, 2010, 01:37:04 AM
Is penetrative, vanilla sex the only thing that gets her off?

QUOTE OF THE DECADE

Also, Long.897

You seem to know what's up. Are you up on your endocrinology? I want to know (without paying for an office visit just yet) if it's effective to get on low doses of E to erm... well... maintain my features as they are now, without making any full on transition-level HRT changes until I'm ready. I'm interested in the emotionally stabilizing effects of HRT at this point, and I'm certainly not ready to start a hormone-based medical transition yet, but I'd love to start and see how my brain changes as early as possible.

Are you a physician? I'm getting my EMT certs as soon as possible for my 2000 hours of clinical experience for a PA masters. Stoked.

Thank you all for your helpful ideas. I am taking finasteride for prostrate issues (bph) so I don't think it would be a good idea to quit that and I am only taking a low dose of estrogen. I may talk to my doc and look into Viagra or what ever the VA hands out. I think I need, somehow, to deal with her inadequacy issues as well. 

You all have given me lots to think about and I thank you. This is really a great site and a great family.

I will post back up on my info as far as the efficacy of viagra/cialis concurrant with low testosterone. Also,  the relavency of the half life of the T is that you can take T (to take care of the wife now and then) and it will be out of your system pretty quickly.  The free t drops VERY quickly but it will take a bit for the t receptors to loose the bound T but the bound Tshouldnt cause you much problems.

Witno or VERY LOW t, there will not be enough nitrous oxide in the blood for the ED drugs to work as they work by slowing the degradation of the NO2 which causes levels to rise and stay elevated.

If you are only taking a 5 ALPHA reuctase inhibitor like finasteride and low dose E, viagra ir cialis should help you as you should have enough T in your system for it to work.

Quote from: alia on November 27, 2010, 02:09:54 AM
QUOTE OF THE DECADE

Also, Long.897

You seem to know what's up. Are you up on your endocrinology? I want to know (without paying for an office visit just yet) if it's effective to get on low doses of E to erm... well... maintain my features as they are now, without making any full on transition-level HRT changes until I'm ready. I'm interested in the emotionally stabilizing effects of HRT at this point, and I'm certainly not ready to start a hormone-based medical transition yet, but I'd love to start and see how my brain changes as early as possible.

Are you a physician? I'm getting my EMT certs as soon as possible for my 2000 hours of clinical experience for a PA masters. Stoked.

Not a doctor, just an enthusiastic bio-nerd.  I'm hoping to get a PhD and work on the research side of things one day, but for now I'll have to settle for self-teaching while I work on getting things in order to enter university.  It sounds like you're considering self-medding, and it's really something that I'd personally reconsider; hormones put you at an increased risk for a lot of serious health problems, and it's good to be under a doctor's care who will be able to identify the warning signs, and react accordingly.  If you're looking to slow the masculinization rather than induce feminization though, an AA would probably be better suited.  You shouldn't take just an AA for too long; a few months is fine, but using it as a long term option offers a lot of health complications. 

Quote from: long.897 on November 27, 2010, 11:52:06 AMYou shouldn't take just an AA for too long; a few months is fine, but using it as a long term option offers a lot of health complications.

It's true, if you remove the testosterone, you're masculinization will slow down or cease. But if you take away a hormone you should replace it with something. Because a lot of complications can form.

No consideration of self medicating at all- I just like to know my options before I get to the office. I like throwing questions at them.

Antiangdrogens would be wonderful, but i'm more interested in the effects of a low-dose estrogen program for the time being. Any beta? As far as I understand it, an abundance of estrogens in the presence of a T-dominated system would lower the uptake of T metabolites, effectively producing a mild antiandrogen effect.

Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Stephanie

"I am taking finasteride for prostrate issues (bph) so I don't think it would be a good idea to quit that and I am only taking a low dose of estrogen."

While not a real religious person, I pray this is your only problem, although bph isn't something to take lightly as it shares some of the same signs as prostate cancer. 

I bypassed bph into prostate cancer which is likely why I was able to have kept mine for ten years after a seeding treatment.

I hope your treatment works out.

Brook

E is a definate T agonist but it could also lead to more T being converted to DHT unless you are on a DHT blocker and DHT is much more androgenic than regular T. It also has a potential of your body raising its T production to try and maintain the T-E balance.

Sorry if this is prying, but are you totally impotent, or just when trying to consummate?  If you are still "polishing the ole bayonet" on occasion, but unable to consummate with your wife, it may be fear of rejection, depression, or even actual (albeit subconscious) rejection on her part.  I ask because you mention  "I think I need, somehow, to deal with her inadequacy issues as well."  Somehow, I'm sensing that there is more at work here than just the physical.  Taking beginning steps (low e) toward transition or at least gender accommodation as well as bph, can take a toll on your manly side, then the added stress of family tension and strife are not conducive to the kind, loving sharing of sex.  You said you would like to penetrate her, does she feel the same way?  I don't know how old you are but men usually get bph at an age where the wife may be going through her own change.  Damn, that could be a powder keg. IF that is the case, she would be experiencing a "sense of inadequacy" even without your changes.  Is it possible that you don't need another drug in the mix, but rather a counselor? Again, just asking because sometimes it is hard to look at ourselves objectively, and even harder to look at our relationships.  At least until we screw it up, they kick us to the curb, and we have lots of time to realize we were part of the problem, not the solution.  I know how important my marriage is, so wishing you the best.   

Cindy, you are very intuitive to say the least. This will take some very careful thought on my part and I am not sure of the can of worms I may open. Thank you for your response.

The suggestion to come off an anti-androgen is a good one, especially if you have been taking it for more that 3 months. It is unlikely to affect feminization as the body will be tuned to estrogen.

That will help with erections. However, are you sure that's the whole problem and it is not psycological?

Caroline

surely resorting to short term help from Viagra or stopping  and starting E or Spiro will just thoroughly mess up everything and mask the reality of the true self?

if there is desire to penetrate with the penis it means the penis owner is male and has no need to transition and should remain as a closeted CD/TV?

I've seen a figure of 90% given as being the number of 'people' who start transition and drop out when they realise it is not for them.   I think this 90% only applied to MtF though.  If it does then maybe it is reasonable to assume that 90% of females who start transition to male might drop out and realise that they are somewhere else on the gender spectrum?

QuoteI've seen a figure of 90% given as being the number of 'people' who start transition and drop out when they realise it is not for them.   I think this 90% only applied to MtF though.  If it does then maybe it is reasonable to assume that 90% of females who start transition to male might drop out and realise that they are somewhere else on the gender spectrum?

Great point!  I will add, though, that there are those that might have mixed feelings on the topic, so the "desire to penetrate" may not be such a black and white issue as the statement implies.  Still, I cannot argue with you.  Women want to be poked, not to poke.

Quote from: lilacwoman on November 29, 2010, 04:23:43 AM
if there is desire to penetrate with the penis it means the penis owner is male and has no need to transition and should remain as a closeted CD/TV?

I highly disagree with that statement, with all due respect. What a girl wants or enjoys with her private  equipment is very personal. Some M2F trans are Highly disphoric of their penis' and some are ok with using it for pleasure while they have it. I don't think it is indicative at all of if she should transition or not or go through surgery.

The attitude strikes me as "trans elitist" by saying that "your not trans enough, because you don't fit this ridgid ideal". I'm not trying to be snarky or confrontational but that statement does rub me a bit the wrong way...  :-\

 :police:

Quote from: StacyBeaumont on November 29, 2010, 02:57:25 PM

Quote from: lilacwoman on November 29, 2010, 04:23:43 AM

if there is desire to penetrate with the penis it means the penis owner is male and has no need to transition and should remain as a closeted CD/TV?

I highly disagree with that statement, with all due respect. What a girl wants or enjoys with her private  equipment is very personal. Some M2F trans are Highly disphoric of their penis' and some are ok with using it for pleasure while they have it. I don't think it is indicative at all of if she should transition or not or go through surgery.

The attitude strikes me as "trans elitist" by saying that "your not trans enough, because you don't fit this ridgid ideal". I'm not trying to be snarky or confrontational but that statement does rub me a bit the wrong way...  :-\

I also if it "elitist".  Please keep to the subject at hand and review the following .....

Quote from: rule 9If you disagree with transgender individuals, or activities which cross gender boundaries take your arguments to a more appropriate web site.

Quote from: rule 10Bashing or flaming of any individuals or groups is not acceptable behavior on this web site and will not be tolerated in the slightest for any reason.  This includes but is not limited to:

Advocating the separation or exclusion of one or more group from under the Transgender umbrella term
Suggesting or claiming that one segment or sub-segment of our community is more legitimate, deserving, or more real than any others

Quote from: sarahla on November 29, 2010, 10:19:49 AM
Women want to be poked, not to poke.

I know plenty of gay cisgendered women who are tops. Are they not true females then?

I'm probably going to be non-op. Does that make me less of a woman?

The brain is a massively complex organ. Please do not assign absolutes to something humankind does not understand.

Hi all
I think Alia has a point, everyone have to decide for theirselves how far they will go with transition.
We can't put a label on a person.
But the main issue is, Stephany has a problem and wants some tips for solution.
Okay Stephany, your wife doesn't like strap ons, but was does she like ?
Maybe an honest and open conversation about what she likes and what not, will help.
Did you ever talked with her about that, is she able to say what she preferred.
communication is such a powerfull thing.
Don't do that in a stressy situation but in a quit time, just having a glass of wine in your hands, maybe some candlelight and talk things over.

I hope  it might help

hugs
annette

Quote from: lilacwoman on November 29, 2010, 04:23:43 AM
if there is desire to penetrate with the penis it means the penis owner is male and has no need to transition and should remain as a closeted CD/TV?

She did put a ? on the end, so she is not asserting a statement, so much as asking a question, I think.

However, the question is still penis-centric.  I use my parts because of the brain-chemicals that are released during intercourse, increasing physical sensations in my body (dopamine) and the sense of connectedness with my girlfriend (serotonin), not because it makes my peepee feel more gooder.

I think the problem with a lot of discussions like this is that they can easily rapidly degenerate into feelings of defensiveness and elitism.

Let me say that I do not hold with the train of thought that say that any one form of gender expression is any more valid of worthy than any other. However I do think that in our efforts to avoid offending each other we sometimes end up throwing out the baby with the bathwater. WE ARE EQUALLY VALID - however that does NOT mean that are all the same. Nor do we necessarily want the same outcomes, and that is why threads like this can get a little confusing and sometimes we end up with silly misunderstandings.

I for example have some difficulty understanding the motivations of a non-op. For me it is almost incomprehensible that anyone would want to keep those bits because for me changing them completely was pretty well 100.00% of what my transition was all about. NOTHING else really mattered to me, not clothes, not pronouns, not social role NOTHING. All the rest was entirely negotiable as long as I could have female bits.

As it happened by the time I had finished I actually ended up being fairly conventionally female in all respects, and I have no problem with that, but the point I am making is that all the social stuff really wasn't my primary motivation, and that does make me different from someone to whom those things DO matter.

I am not more right than anyone else, but because we are all different, it is important to understand that what for one person will seem obvious, may be far less so to someone else.

Where I think Lilac may have a slight point, even if her choice of phrasing was perhaps not terribly helpful, is that an inevitable consequence of HRT is loss of male sexual function, and so if that is not part of your desire, it may well be that you need to look at other ways to achieve your desired outcomes.

QuoteI for example have some difficulty understanding the motivations of a non-op. For me it is almost incomprehensible that anyone would want to keep those bits because for me changing them completely was pretty well 100.00% of what my transition was all about. NOTHING else really mattered to me, not clothes, not pronouns, not social role NOTHING. All the rest was entirely negotiable as long as I could have female bits.

I have trouble comprehending transmasculine people as well. My brain just has no idea how to relate to that. I get around it intellectually- these people are close friends, human beings, and have the same rights as I do, etc.

I'm the opposite. My junk isn't the issue (well, I mean, it is, but it's not really, REALLY intense like the accounts of some ladies). I think i'd be satisfied with the correct hormones in my brain. After all, consciousness is the only basis for reality. And so, dear testosterone, I ask you kindly to please stop f**king with my head.

bye

Quote from: Sada on November 30, 2010, 11:25:48 PM
Well just keep with the HRT and your libido should vanish as well~^^ Otherwise checkup on castrated fellows and see what they are up to or not, mainly they need some kind of hormone therapy to help in that department. Your wife obviously knows what you are doing and becoming ~prepare her for a lesbian relationship ;) toys and all !!! pop some black and decker into your bedroom and she will thank you  :D :D :D

I would love to have that knid of relationship with my wife dut I don't thing she will go for it.

I know it often seems to come as a mystery around here, but what the other partner wants in a sexual relationship is kind of important too.

Your wife obviously knows what you are doing and becoming ~prepare her for a lesbian relationship
The only thing the wife has to prepare for is cashing the checks after she files for divorce seems a lot more common around here than that.

I would also like to point out that when you are in your late teens-early thirty's, you have boundless optimism, endless possibilities.  When you get a little older, you realize that a lot of your dreams have faded away into impossibility.  That is OK if you have learned to focus on accomplishing something, anything, that you can mentally deem a success.  If you think finding a new life partner is hard at 25, then I suggest you try it at 55.  I believe that Stephanie is trying to find a way to keep her wife happy and satisfied, while fulfilling herself, satisfying the dysphoria,  as much as possible.  I would suggest that finding that course will keep her home life stable and it is always easier to transition in a stable, loving environment.  You can only have so many pools of chaos around you before you go mad.  At least at our age.  Is it possible to have a frank discussion about it, maybe go to a sex therapist together?

Quote from: rejennyrated on November 30, 2010, 11:19:52 AM
I for example have some difficulty understanding the motivations of a non-op. For me it is almost incomprehensible that anyone would want to keep those bits because for me changing them completely was pretty well 100.00% of what my transition was all about. NOTHING else really mattered to me, not clothes, not pronouns, not social role NOTHING. All the rest was entirely negotiable as long as I could have female bits.

I'm non-op, and I don't think it's so different from you.  I needed to have female parts too bad to wait for surgery, so I simply made my mind believe that I have them.

I understand where u are at. I look at my wife and say wow and think how much I desire her.
She also has a tuff time with feeling not good enough. The thing is she is more than good enough.I too have to realize there's lots of ways of making love and being close....

Quote from: lilacwoman on November 29, 2010, 04:23:43 AM
if there is desire to penetrate with the penis it means the penis owner is male and has no need to transition and should remain as a closeted CD/TV?

Golly, a decent percentage of cis lesbians are boys? I never knew!

Quote from: rejennyrated on November 30, 2010, 11:19:52 AM
Where I think Lilac may have a slight point, even if her choice of phrasing was perhaps not terribly helpful, is that an inevitable consequence of HRT is loss of male sexual function

I was still functioning right up until the night before I was admitted for SRS. HRT = no penis function is a myth.

I have been on HRT for a couple years, and my stuff works fine.  In fact, it works better than before, in that it only works when I want it to.

On another note, is anybody else sensing that maybe part of the problem is the attitude revealed in the topic's title?  "The wife"?!?