Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My brother of 50 years has recently "come out" to family and friends, and wants to live the rest of his life as his true self--a woman.  I want to be supportive of his choice, but I am feeling angry and sad.  I recently lost my only other brother to cancer, and feel as if I am losing my other brother.  I cannot think of him as a sister.  I have searched for books and articles, but find that most are written for parents or spouses.  There is very little information to help siblings deal with transitions.  I have looked into PFLAG, but do not think their issues would be the same as mine, as well as the inconvenience-- since I live in a small rural community, I would have to travel to get to the nearest PFLAg support group.

I would like to know how others have dealt with their feelings and a new life with a trans sibling.
Becky

Hello Becky, I can relate to what you are going through but from the opposite end of the situation.  I myself have 4 younger brothers who have had simular thughts and feelings about myself as you have about your brother. One of my own brothers has not spoken to me or called me for any reason in more then 20 years, one I have not communicated with in 7 years, one who has had no relationship with me for at least that long, but did call me to inquire about my condition during medical difficulties, and one who expressed to me that he loved me regardless, but has not communicated with me for at least two years now and has moved, changing his phone number without advising me beforehand.  None of them had ever actually sat down with me and tried to understand why I was as I was and did as I did.

speaking from the transgendered side of the issue, it would help if you simply sat down with your new sister and simply got to know her as she is now and not as you remember her as him.  You already know many of her likes and dislikes and how she reacts to certain stimulus, but you may be surprised at the depth of her feelings and her vulnurabilities which may have been hidden, not only from you, but from everyone.

Books and support groups have their place, but nothing on this earth will be more effective then simply sitting down with her about not only her feelings, but your own.  If it turns out that you find things to like in the new woman, then you can be of invaluable assistance to her in terms of understanding, love and support, and at the same time learn much about yourself and your own relationship with the world.

such things are not easy to accept and there is always concern for the social consiquences and what it means to you personnally, but if you truely love you sibling, and wish her the best, then getting to know her and understand her as she is, not as she represented herself in the past, is truely important to the both of you.

I hope you make the effort and find a new person to love and take pride in.  It is in a very real sense, a death and rebirth of an individual, complete with a new childhood, adolicence and adulthood.  She will need help through these stages that she will face and for a time will need protection from herself, and mature guidence, just as any child growing up in an adult world.

Terri

Hello Becky.

Welcome to Susan's, Terri is quite right, and hit the nail on the head, so to speak, communication is the key to your relationship with your brother.  I can somewhat relate to your plight, my wife' brother (we are in our 50's) sat down with her to discuss my transsexuality, and my transition, and he is the first one who has said that he doesn't want to visit us any more because of it (he didn't visit that much to start with).  However this devastated my wife for days, until she realised that she has to get on with her/our life, with or with out the support of her brother.  He was an important part of her life but now he's gone, everyone looses.

I think is really comes down to two choices; you stay in the relationship with your new sister, or you don't.  I don't think that there can be a halfway solution.  One thing to ask yourself is how would you treat one of your children if he or she came to you and said they were different, gay, lesbian, transgendered.  Would you still love and support them?  I think the answer would be yes.

As Terri said, talk to your sister, find out about her, lover her and support her, you know what it's like to loose a sibling.  Your brother has changed on the outside, but the essence of his soul has not, in fact her feelings, thoughts, convictions are probably still the same as you knew.

Remember that this is hard for you both, but to solve the issues you must face them, talk, then talk, then talk some more.  As you've discovered, support for brothers, sisters, and children of transgendered people is really hard to find, even this site is limited to a few general statements, so be sure to keep us posted on how things progress.

Take care

Steph

Becky,

One thing to understand is that this is how your sister has been all her life, so you're not really losing anything.  When people come out and wish to transition, they're not changing who they are, they're changing what they look like.  I would agree with everyone's replies in that you should sit down and talk with her.  Please understand that by coming out to you, your brother was reaching out for your help.  If she felt she could do it on her own, she probably wouldn't have bothered.

I recently told one of my sisters about my transsexuality.  Even though I was fairly certain she would take it well, I was very nervous and not sure about how to bring it up.  Finally I just said it and was amazed by how well she took it.  I felt very reassured that she would be one of my strongest supporters, especially since the rest of my family will most likely not take the news well.

It's important for MtF's to have a strong support circle, but I also understand where you're coming from.  It difficult to realize how this person, whom you've known your entire life, could have been hiding something so important her entire life and never shown it.  You feel like your brother is turning 180 degrees and changing everything.  Please keep an open mind with this, because she's been keeping this inside for a very long time, and that alone has probably taken its toll.  I want to stress that you're not losing anything, you're simply seeing things from a brand new perspective, and that's always unnerving.  But she's not changing who she is, simply changing her appearance.

Wish you and your brother all the best.

The other Steph

Thanks to all who have replied to my quest.  I appreciate your perspectives on this. Supporting my sibling (can't think of him as a sister yet--it may take a while!) is not the issue.  We have always been close, and there was no question in my mind that I would love him and support him no matter what. My dad is in his 80's, and is supportive as well, even though I know what turmoil he must be going through, as a retired Presbyterian minister!! But he says, Dani is his child no matter what, and he would rather see him happy as a woman than to lose him to suicide.  Daddy has also said that he had the same feeling when Dani told him of his choice as he did when he learned of my other brother's terminal cancer. He was losing another son.

I am in closer contact with my sibling now in the last few months than we have been for a long time.  Weekly, lengthy phone conversations, because I know he is lonely.  He has moved out of his home, his wife of 25 years is divorcing him, his older daughter is not speaking to him, and is only allowing him to come to her wedding if he cuts his hair and does not dress "weird".  He will not be giving her away--her maternal uncle will. Dani is allowed to attend the wedding, but is not invited to the reception.

My anger is not directed at my sibling.  My anger is for the whole situation.  I have always known my brother was "different', and for a time I thought he was gay.  So I was neither shocked or surprised when he told me of his choice to become a woman.  My sadness is for what he has been hiding (or thoght he was hiding) all these years, and for my lovely sister-in-law who thought she had the perfect marriage because her spouse was so empathetic and kind.

My problem right now with my sibling is the weird conversations!  I do not want to hear the details about his growing breasts or his shrinking genitals, but that is what I am getting every week when he calls me or I call him, even though I have told him this is not what I want to hear.  He constantly turns the conversation back to that.  I understand that is what he is totally focused on right now, and it is exciting to him, but I don't want to know the details. Nor can I share his enthusiasm.  When I was "growing up" and when my daughter was turning into a young woman, THAT was not the whole focus of our lives.  I keep telling Dani that WOMEN talk about other things MOST of the time!!!  It takes me several days to recover emotionally and mentally from our conversations. 

Loving my sibling and supporting his decision will never be a problem.  I need to know how to make the adjustment from the person I thought he was all our lives to who he is becoming now. He was a cute little precious boy, a wacky funny amusing weird teenager, a serious intent loving father.  Although I always wanted a sister, 50 years is a long time to have my brother and suddenly have to make the swap!

I am also having some problems dealing with this on a spiritual and theological level.  This is not how we were raised.  We were raised, however, to be tolerant, but to believe that God did not EVER make mistakes.  Seems like I am having to rethink that--this evidently was a big one!  I am probably not even supposed to be talking about God in this forum, but this issue is a big one for me.  My brother and his wife were members of a very conservative church, and raised their daughter with very conservative beliefs.  Part of this was my brother trying to deny who he really was and trying to conform to the "right" way.  Now his family all think he is a  deviant sinner and is going to hell if he does not reform.  He has gotten scathing emails from members of his former church ( he was asked by his minister to leave) about his "deviant" behavior.  They all think if they pray hard enough he will change back to who he was before.  My prayer for him is that he can find peace and happiness and acceptance.

Do any of your siblings have any input for me on how they coped with your transitions?  Shutting out someone you have loved all your life is NOT an option.  My heart hurts for those of you who have lost so much with your own choices.  I wish you the best.
Becky

You are most certaintly right Becky, Women do have many things to talk about, even in TS community that in no way revolve around TS transition issues, but consider that to her, this is a totally mind consuming preoccupation right now and will continue to be so until such time as she is made to feel more comfortable with herself, and even then it will still be in the background.  It is just the way it is, and yes, a lot of that preoccupation can be a little confusing and even offensive to some as it involves discussions of sex, gender and homosexual/heterosexual relatoinships as well as Penises, Scrotums, testicles, vaginias etc and can be very graphic in nature while not being sexual in any way.  It is simply a world transitioning people live in as it involves medical proceedures and techniques which are nessessary to their lives.

It is natural some of this is offensive to you, but understand it is simply natural points of discussion to her.  Simply attempt to steer the conversation to things like presentation, relationships, clothing, makeup, cooking, aggrivations with traffic, people and situations, family, friends, a new movie or book and perhaps a hug once in a while.  She would likely love your opinion and advice on improving her appearance and behavior to better suit her new environment, and simple talk about nothing in particular is good also as it helps one to relax and simply wash out the stress.  You simply have to learn to redirect the focus of conversations without appearing uncaring of them.  She will likely appreciate being refocused also, since I would imagine that although she is concerned and somewhat consumed with Transitional issues, she really would like to be involved with other things as much as she can.

Terri

Quote from: becky on August 22, 2005, 08:59:46 PM... but to believe that God did not EVER make mistakes.  ...

Depends on your point of view.

Who is to say living 50 years in a male body wasn't by some grand design?

Quote from: becky on August 22, 2005, 08:59:46 PM... and is going to hell if he does not reform. ...

Reform to what?

If we presume the above correct she is no longer going against the will of God...

I do not know if these thoughts are or will be of any value to you but I hope.

Hello Becky,

As has been said, sometimes with our transition comes exciting things, and may be that since your siblings family life has come crashing down around her, that along with you, her transition is the only positive thing that she has left so it may be logical that she want to talk about the happy things.  My wife often has to tell me that I'm obsessing over my transition, I forget that there are two of us and that my transition involves us both.  But she brings me down to earth, some times with a poke  :D

Don't fret, give her time and by all means give her a bash on the head to remind her that there may be things that "YOU" would like to talk about.  Don't be afraid to interject your thoughts on anything, just remind her that your world does not revolve around hers, and that there are things and issues that you would like to talk about, but remember - in a loving and supportive way  :)  As her life improves so will your conversations.

We do tend to wear down those who we turn to for support  :)

Keep us posted, and take care

Steph

Hi to all!

"God does not make mistakes..."
"Depends on your point of view..."

Yeah. I always questioned that.  What about Downs Syndrome children or other babies born with defomities!  But I was always told not to question!!!!!!

"Who is to say living 50 years in a male body wasn't by some grand design?"

Or some big mistake.

My cousin has a good comment about transitions. She says it is like being pregnant for the first time, you are totally focused on every little thing and you want to talk about it all the time, to the pont of annoying everyone around you, whether they have ever been pregnant before or not.

Dani chooses to talk to US about all the details because of the life-time connection.  I am not offended by the conversations, because I am not a "prude", I just get tired of the details, details, details...but I do understand that he does need to talk.  I was just venting in the earlier post.

It is also the "weird" aspect of it, because he is MY brother, and not some random aquaintance going through this.  That makes it harder for me to deal with.

Again, keep talking to me!  It is helping!!!

More later....

Your right that a person transitioning has to have someone there to sort of get them talking about other things. Yes its like any other major event though. When we call or talk to the son thats got shot in Iraq , you can imagine what the main topic of conversation will be. And most of the questions would come for us. Hard part of transitioning is that it is one major event like this example and pregnancy, except where people are more silent and dont want to ask questions or talk about it. So its even harder not to talk about it, when someone does finally hear about it. Its your right though to express that you want to hear about other stuff, or talk about other stuff. And you can probably help her know you love her, and that other things are important too.

I will try getting a sibling here to respond ( I have eight). Most dont do internet, so will see what i can get. I dont know how many siblings of trans post on this site. So far I only see trans (including myself) respond. There should be more here since its important and probably less talked about then the actual transpeople.

I'm very disappointed with the responses on this site. My brother of 50 plus years is transitioning. I'm very supportive but, at the same time, I have my own issues to deal with. Internally my mind still uses the male pronoun and visualizes the man I've always known. When I'm around relatives too young to be told, I have to be careful which name/pronoun I use. The dependable self-supporting man I grew up with has become a woman with financial problems who is suddenly counting on my financial help, and seems unconcerned about what a burden this is to me. I understand that transitioning is necessarily a time of being self-centered and exhilarated, so I don't say anything but I need someone to talk to! My support group consists of people who think I should just remove myself or transgenders who think everything should revolve around my sibling. Where can we go for support from others in our position?

Sis and Becky -

I am the spouse of a MtF transsexual... and you two are compleatly right... it IS hard... REALLY hard...  and overwhelming, and confusing...  on one hand, you want to support your loved one.... on the other hand.. you have your own feelings, fears, and other emotions rolling through.... you feel really bad venting to that particular loved one... so you keep it to yourself...

seriously - my reaction was like... 

:o  ???  >:(  ???  :-\  :-X  :'(  ???   ^-^   ???  ^-^ .. etc...

I go through all of that too... I'm here to talk to!  Anytime! (well.. when I'm not working ;) )

transition is emotionally draining... on everyone involved... I really think its almost as hard for the loved ones of the TS as it is for the TS themselves....  and there are MUCH fewer of us 'supportive significant others' out there... so we have little support....

My AOL instant messanger name is Thespain99, (but I warn you, I leave it on all the time, it works as an answering machine of sorts for me,)

please feel free to message whenever, if I don't answer, its probably because I'm working, or sleeping, etc... and I'll message you back when I return :)   

I'm sorry that you find the responses to Becky's post disappointing, however we don't have that many SO's on this site to draw advice from.  We do have Alison, who you have heard from, and a couple more who do not visit very often.  Both my daughter, and my wife are in the same predicament as you find yourself, there is next to no support for SO's and other family members.  Maybe with yourself, Becky, and Alison we can try to correct this, as all of you are so important to this whole thing.

So Sis, help us out here, get involved with the forum, and post questions, provide your advice, and thoughts, because by doing that you will be helping yourself, other SO's on this site and who visit, seeking help :)

What do you think, up to the challenge :)

Hope to hear from you,

Steph :)

Dear Sis/Becky,

I wish I knew better what it was that you are disappointed about in the responses here. Perhaps as Steph said more postings and more questions might help narrow things down a bit. Yes there are few SO's here at Susan's but then supportive SO's are in short supply period. My own SO is supportive to a fault. I can't get much out of her other than she's happy for me, thinks I should do it if that's what I want and goes shopping with me. I usually can't get two words out of her on the subject other wise. She joined the forum a few weeks ago but has not logged in since, although she keeps meaning to but she has a lot of other things on her mind right now. 

Actually young or old relatives and friends, the femminine pronouns should always be used when reffering to your new sister. I know this is a hard thing to do. My wife has been using the feminine for a while now and she still slips up from time to time. Heck I even slipped up myself not two days ago and started to introduce myself by my old male name, I just barely caught myself in time.

When we look in the mirror we see both the woman we are and the man that we hate. It will be that way until the man is completely gone for good. For myself living full time every day, I see less of him and almost exclusively her. There is a time element involved. With so many years of history as a male I don't think you will stop seeing in her, the brother that you once had for a very long time.

The only thing I guess I've really got to go on as far as relating to your feelings is the sense of loss I felt when my step dad died. The empty feeling knowing I would never again be able to sit with him on the end of his bed as he sat in his chair by the window were he watched the birds at the feeder and carried on about tales from his youth. But then no one moved into his place and said I'm your mother who used to be your father and I have special needs and need special attention. I think my reaction would probably be who the heck are you and what have you done with my dad. :)

So your a bit lost, trying to deal as best you can and you need someone to say what do you need Sis? You want to scream out, How about my needs? How about hereing me when I say I have issues with this and I would like to be heard and somebody better give me some answers. Because you do have issues. I can read them in your post. You want your brother back and that's all there is to it. You are trying to be supportive and caring and you really just want to walk up to her, slap her and say snap out of it and give me my brother back.

Unfortunately for you this is not going to happen. You don't want to loose her completely so you play along at the supportive role and hope you'll figure it out somewhere down the road and you'll finally be able to see her as your sister without any reservation.

I wish that I could say that all will be well in time but I can't. I can't tell you that thing you want to here even if I knew what it was because it wouldn't be true. You may never be able to completely accept what has happened. Some folks just can't no matter how hard they try. Many transsexuals  who have transitioned with spouses and families intact loose them at the door to surgery. Then the wife has to come face to face with the reality beyond that which has existed since their spouse began transition. The coup de grasse occurs and they can't handle it. The finality of it sinks in and they realise that he is she. He will never return. They are happy for her but their spouse is dead.

Any one of us here can talk to you, try to be supportive of you and help in any way we can. If you don't believe it just read the posts from the thread started by hectic.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,698.15.html

I don't know what other transgenders you have been talking to but life cannot just revolve around your sibling and her issues. Removing yourself? Well, that's a choice, but is it a good choice?  Can you really seperate yourself from your, former brother now sister? Can you live with that decision? As far as needing financial help from you that's another choice you have to make but it is not something that you have to do. She has to be able to stand on her own two feet just like any other woman. If you choose to help her out from time to time that's a nice thing to do but I'm sure it's not your lifes ambition nor should it become center stage in your financial picture.

I had a brother who was in financial trouble and I helped him too much. I say had a brother because we do not speak anymore. In fact he doesn't even know were I am and I plan on keeping it that way. So from personal experience things can go really bad with sibling realtionships, especially when money is involved, so tread lightly in that area.

I hope you will stay with us and that we can all learn something from each other. We really do want to help and offer understanding and a sympathetic ear.

Hang in there.


Cassie

its touchy....  a few people have said (paraphrased obviously) "well just support your loved one for who he/she is"  well... Yeah, But...

For example.. in my life:

My mother knows, but is terribly confused, shes also in NY, and we're in Texas...  Jaycie's mother and grandmother know, her grandmother is praying it will "blow over" but she loves JASON so much she'll never stop loving -him- ... (her words)...  Her mother is trying to support us but I don't think she knows how... shes very busy with her own life, and we don't even see her that often..

I'm trying my best to support Jaycie... I think im doing a pretty good job lol...  But I don't have a whole lot of support...   its a confusing overwhelming time in my life too... then coupled with the '2 personalities' act...  remembering to refer to my spouse as "Jason" in front of certain company... and feeling free to say "Jaycie" with other people....

So basically... it isn't as black and white as "Just support your loved one" ...  I have a lot of loved ones...

Quoteremembering to refer to my spouse as "Jason" in front of certain company... and feeling free to say "Jaycie" with other people....

It's the same for my wife too Alison. In the early days it was easy as I hadn't started living outside the house and no one really knew but the two of us. But as things have progressed she has gone from trying to remember to call me Cassie and not refer to me as her husband to trying to remember not to call me Cassie when she's talking to her parents who don't know. She's terrified she is going to slip up so I can appreciate your dilema in that department.

The whole process takes a toll on everyone closely involved and even some who are just on the periphery. For the TS it is a healing process with lots of major growing pains. For the SO it is one big pain most could do without. We appreciate all you SO's out there who are so supportive and we do understand that it is equally if not more difficult for you, even though we may not act like it all the time. We are after all the center of the universe. >:D :icon_evil_laugh:

Hugs,

Cassie

Steph,

I haven't the vaguest idea how to proceed with your "challenge". Certainly I can post questions, but who has the answers? If other SOs visit once or twice and then disappear, nobody is there to answer the unanswerable.
• Would my new sister be terribly hurt if I use just the first initial (it's the same for both pre and post names)? This would make it easier for me to remember which name to use when with younger relatives.
• How honest should I be when she asks why people still refer to her as "he". I realize she thinks she looks gorgeous, but she still looks masculine. I realilze that she hates that part of her so I don't mention it but I cry for her when she's not looking.
• I finally am starting to feel financially stable and now I have a newly dependent sister. I resent the fact that she thinks her problems are more important than mine. I understand why, but that doesn't change the fact that six months ago I thought my brother was safely established in marriage and career and I was going to be able to start planning my retirement. Now I'm actually worrying about what I'm going to live on in 5 years. My new sister is just excited about her new life and doesn't understand why I can't give her more money.
• I feel guilty about what she has gone through so silently all these years, but I also know it's not my fault...it's not her fault, it's nobody's fault but I feel sorry for her and I feel guilty and I know I can't take the stress much longer. We talk on the phone every day and every conversation is about her needs, her wants, her hopes and I end up crying by myself after we talk.
So who do I talk to?

Sis

Talk to me... I'm a few years your junior but... I have good ears for listening :)

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Would my new sister be terribly hurt if I use just the first initial (it's the same for both pre and post names)? This would make it easier for me to remember which name to use when with younger relatives.
---------------------

Well, thats an idea... We have friends that refer to Jaycie/Jason as Jay.... out of respect for her, and the unknowing people... Talk to your sister about it :)

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How honest should I be when she asks why people still refer to her as "he". I realize she thinks she looks gorgeous, but she still looks masculine. I realilze that she hates that part of her so I don't mention it but I cry for her when she's not looking.
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When you say "people".. do you mean random people off the street? (the guy at the drive through or cashier at walmart?)  Or family members that don't know yet? or people that do know?  what people still call her "He"?

If its random people... you can try to give her some tips on feminizing (I KNOW thats hard... As a girl with no desire to wear makeup.. i have such a hard time helping jaycie with that stuff... I'm not 'girly' myself.. how can i help her?) ... a LOT of it has to do with hairstyle... Jaycie has a really masculine hairline, so we hide it.... and also with facial hair... we're still fighting that battle.. electrolosys is WAY too out of our newlywed budget... so she shaves really close and uses tons of makeup  :-\  but, she passes pretty regularly when we do that...


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I finally am starting to feel financially stable and now I have a newly dependent sister. I resent the fact that she thinks her problems are more important than mine. I understand why, but that doesn't change the fact that six months ago I thought my brother was safely established in marriage and career and I was going to be able to start planning my retirement. Now I'm actually worrying about what I'm going to live on in 5 years. My new sister is just excited about her new life and doesn't understand why I can't give her more money.
-------------------------

She needs to understand money doesn't grow on trrees.... If shes in her 50's shes responsable enough to realize that.... show her the check book... theres only so much money monthly.. and you need so much to survive.. leaving only so much extra....


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I feel guilty about what she has gone through so silently all these years, but I also know it's not my fault...it's not her fault, it's nobody's fault but I feel sorry for her and I feel guilty and I know I can't take the stress much longer. We talk on the phone every day and every conversation is about her needs, her wants, her hopes and I end up crying by myself after we talk.
----------------------------------

Do you cry because you feel guilty about her pain? or because you're scared ?  I feel guilty too.. Jaycie couldn't tell me... I felt awful... like she couldn't trust me....  But thats a BIG secret... its hard to tell.... she had fear of rejection most definetly....  especially at 50.. you look at the life you've built... and the desires you have and how strong they are... and risking losing everything?  Its a big bet....  So don't be too hard on yourself....   


I am a regular here... so you can pm me and we can yak if you want to :)

Quote from: Cassandra on August 29, 2005, 06:20:57 PM
It's the same for my wife too Alison. In the early days it was easy as I hadn't started living outside the house and no one really knew but the two of us. But as things have progressed she has gone from trying to remember to call me Cassie and not refer to me as her husband to trying to remember not to call me Cassie when she's talking to her parents who don't know. She's terrified she is going to slip up so I can appreciate your dilema in that department.

hahaha I actually DID slip up the other day... refered to her as "she" on the phone with the grandma.... luckily.. shes half deaf and didn't notice LOL

Hello Sis,

You've already accepted the challenge by posting and sharing with the group.  As I'm trans myself my view on things may be a little biased, but my wife and I have been at this for almost 30 years now and we are still together, however a sibling relationship is a little different.

Quote• Would my new sister be terribly hurt if I use just the first initial (it's the same for both pre and post names)? This would make it easier for me to remember which name to use when with younger relatives.

She may be a little hurt, but if she wants a smoother transition then she has to be willing too compromise on a few things, and this is an easy one for her to deal with.  Yes we all like to be called by our female name, but for the short term, it's no big deal, and it will help you as well.  I've agreed to let some call me Phil which was my male name till I had it changed to Stephanie Phyllis (don't laugh) as it's the short form of Phyllis, but I prefer Steph.  No big deal.

Quote• How honest should I be when she asks why people still refer to her as "he". I realize she thinks she looks gorgeous, but she still looks masculine. I realize that she hates that part of her so I don't mention it but I cry for her when she's not looking.

You have to be honest for her own good.  Right now she can't see the forest for the trees, so go ahead, be honest, point things out like your make up is all wrong,  your hair is wrong, etc...  whatever it is, if you don't she will never learn.  Don't be afraid to be honest.  Sure her feeling may be hurt but it's better than if she embarrassed herself.

QuoteI finally am starting to feel financially stable and now I have a newly dependent sister. I resent the fact that she thinks her problems are more important than mine. I understand why, but that doesn't change the fact that six months ago I thought my brother was safely established in marriage and career and I was going to be able to start planning my retirement. Now I'm actually worrying about what I'm going to live on in 5 years. My new sister is just excited about her new life and doesn't understand why I can't give her more money.

Not knowing the finacial situation of your sister, I'll jump in and ask why is she even asking you for finacial help.  This is her transition not yours, you should be providing emotional support not finacial, or material support.  To be brutally honest Sis, she shouldn't even be contemplating transitioning unless she has finacial support in place that will ensure her transition is a success.  I'm not sure how far your sister plans to go but the surgeries alone are a huge finacial burden for many of us.  The deal I had with my wife was that I would never put our family in finacial distress over my transition.   She has to do the same, you can not be financially responsible for her transition, period.

Quote• I feel guilty about what she has gone through so silently all these years, but I also know it's not my fault...it's not her fault, it's no body's fault but I feel sorry for her and I feel guilty and I know I can't take the stress much longer. We talk on the phone every day and every conversation is about her needs, her wants, her hopes and I end up crying by myself after we talk.
So who do I talk to?

You are absolutely right.  This is NOT YOUR FAULT, and YOU shouldn't feel guilty, and you can't let your sister burden you with guilt over something you had no control over.  One thing you have to do to limit the stress is to lay down some rules and one would be - I will listen to your needs and I will support you as much as I can, BUT you must be willing to listen to MY needs so that I will be able to support you as much as I can.  It's a two way street, and if she can't agree to that, then bluntly tell her that the phone conversations will be very brief.  To help you through this you may want to talk to a therapist for your own piece of mind.  My wife did, and after a few sessions she feels she will probably stop going.  It did the trick for her, just having someone to talk to face to face.

Here is a web site that you may find really helpful. 

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tgso1/

Transsexuals are not allowed to post to this site, and it is strictly limited to

QuoteTHIS LIST IS OPEN ONLY TO FEMALE (FEMALE AT BIRTH) partners of transgendered men ( male at birth).

While it says " partners", my wife said that FEMALE family members are more than welcome.  She is an active member of this site, and she encourages you to have a look it is a very active site so far this month there have been 128 posts.  Check it out.

I hope that I have been of some help Sis, and hopefully you will say and be a part of the group and stay in touch.  Take Alison up on her offer.

Steph :)

Wow, you people are amazing!

I must admit that I came to this site and posted the first time with MUCH trepidation, then came timidly back to see who had answered and with what.  I was afraid you would be a bunch of "whiners" or weirdos.  I am delighted that you are neither!!!!

I have been gone a couple of days.  My sibling's daughter got married this weekend, and it was a bizarre "family" time.  My brother was allowed to attend the wedding, but only on the condition that Dani dressed as a man, remove his nail polish, etc. and not do anything to embarrass his family.  His wife insisted (bless her heart) that he sit with her, he is after all, the FATHER of the bride.  The bride walked down the aisle by herself--she "gave" herself away.  It was a lovely wedding, for outsiders looking in, but at times I felt more like I was attending a funeral instead of a wedding.  Other family issues were involved as well--I had not seen some of my family members since my other brother's funeral three years ago, and was really blown away when I glanced down the pew at my nephew who was looking back and grinning at me with my brother's face!!! So from then on, I fought tears and was very emotional.

Dani was included in the family pictures.  I did not know this until we were looking at the slide show one of the bridesmaids had on her laptop later in the evening.  But Dani was not included at the reception.  Because he had room in his vehicle, he was asked to take the flowers from the altar to the reception, and my cousin heard my sister-in-law apologizing to him that he could not come in...

Dani was included in the "afer party", and we were able to have a pleasant visit.  But I found myself wanting to tell all my sister-in-law's siblings that I was so sorry all this was happening, and hoped that they did not think ill of my brother, and that they needed to rally around my sister-in-law and give her lots of emotional support.  She is a wonderful woman, and does not deserve the hurt.  She still thinks that my brother is going to give up this "foolishness" and come back home and everything is going to be like it was before.

Dani was dressed in dark slacks and a white shirt.  I thought he looked very nice, but I know it was not what he would have preferred to be wearing.  Before we left the "after party", we (my cousin and I) made him pose for pictures with us.  I know this was the last time I will probably see him as my BROTHER.  He was reluctant to have his picture taken, but we forced the issue.  We told him it was for US, not him, so he agreed.

Funny thing was, the groom was wearing diamond stud earrings, and until the wedding day had long hair pulled back in a pony-tail, so had my brother kept his hair long, who would have even thought it was odd???????

Sis, thank you for joining in to the conversation.  When I was reading some of the things you said, I kept thinking, wow, she is reading what is in my head!!

I have considered the possibility of helping my brother financially, but have thought that it would be a mistake to start doing that.  I am comfortable, but not that well-off, and where do you draw the line on something like that?  Just easier not to start, and I was having some guilt over it. Thank you Steph for pointing out that it is my brother's (and/or Sis' brother's transition), and not my own, so we should not feel financially obligated!

Like Sis, phone conversations and telling my brother goodbye (possibly for the last time as my BROTHER after the wedding) leaves me in tears.  I am lucky to have my cousin to hash things out with, as well as a wonderful daughter, who though she might not understand why it upsets so much, is loving and comforting.  My daughter, 22, and comes from the different mindset of a younger generation.

Again, thanks to ALL for your responses. Also, I love the pictures of Cassie, Steph, Terri-Gene, and others, that are not cartoon characters, but are REAL people.  I understand the feeling of possibly not wanting to show real selves yet, but thank you for your courage to have your pictures up--seeing the faces of others who have transitioned helps me.  Perhaps when my brother has transitioned, he will not seem so strange to me, because I can think of your faces and know it will be OK.

When we were having our picture taken together, the last one as brother and sister, a random person walked into the room and said, "Wow, you two must be related!"  Trying to keep from being emotional about it, I joked, "We do look alike, don't we?  We have the same parents, so there is a good reason for it."  She remarked that if we had the same hairstyle, she would not be able to tell us apart.  I think Dani was pleased with that, and I guess I will have to get used to it all over again.  When we were in our teens and had the same length of hair (early '70s) people often mistook us for twins...

A good note--we did get him to listen to us about not wanting to hear all his details!!! He can save those for his therapy group.

Sorry to have rambled on so much.  But many thanks for listening!!!
Becky

Hello Becky,

Glad to hear back from you.  Thanks for the compliments as well, it's those little things that make so much difference.  And although we are not professionals, life experiences go along way when it comes to issues such as these.

It is unfortunate that your sister was excluded from so much of the wedding, but at least she was able to at the actual ceremony, which was nice.  I made a similar deal with my family when my daughter got married.  I agreed to be her "Dad" that day and it turned out to be the most wonderful day of my life. But of course I was not excluded from anything.

As we discussed before, you are under no obligation to provide financial support, that is a choice that you have to make, and the one that you have settled on is a  wise route to take as it would be hard to draw the line afterwards.

It good that your sister still has family who have not rejected her, and although you've told her not to go one so much with all the details of her transition, at least she knows that you are there when she needs you.

As her transition will be long and sometimes painful, so it will be for you but to a much lesser degree.  Just hang in there as much as you can, and lend that shoulder when it's needed.

Take care Becky and don't be a stranger.

Steph :)

Well Becky, at least your still talking with your "new sister".  My brother and sister haven't talked with me (or had anything to do with me) in years.

My family has know of my "problem" since I was a child.  They ignored it, pretending it wasn't there most of my life.  But, when I went full time, they refused to even acknowlege me.

Sarah

Hi Becky:

You are so fortunate your family is still in communication with you, and you are in communication with them.

I have family, I have not seen or heard from for well over 20 years, so I do not know if they  are still alive or where they might be.  The fact that I am transgendered has nothing to do with the lack of communications, as what ever happened and I do not know to this date what it was, transpired long before I knew that I was transgendered.

It is so important to Keep the lines of communications open and I am sure in due course things will come long

Denise

Hi Becky and Sis,

What wonderful sisters you are. It is very obvious from your posts that you love your brothers very much. This a place where you can vent your feelings and share your experiences of others.

It's worth noting that by sharing your experiences you are helping us to understand what it is like from the other side of a sibling relationship. So while being helped you are also helping others. From your posts I think that that is probably important to you.

If I where in your place I think that a heartfelt letter explaining your love as well as the feeling of loss that you are experiencing may be the way to go. It is easy to get caught up in the feeling of freedom and not realise that others are experiencing other very deep feelings. The advantage of a letter is that you can get it all out in one go without interuption.

Hope it all goes well for you and from me thankyou for being there for your brothers/sisters.

Hugs Shelley

Hi all,
Communication with my sibling has gotten easier.  Dani now has a computer, so is doing more emailing instead of phone conversations.  If there is something in the email that I don't want to deal with right at the moment I can skip over it and read what I want to, and go back to that issue later,and that leaves me with a much better feeling. I think having the computer makes him feel less lonely in the evenings, so he is not calling every other night.

But we are also able to talk honestly about feelings.  Dani and I have always had a pretty good relationship, and have always been able to communicate well with each other, even when it would be weeks and weeks without contact. 

The last phone conversation a few nights ago left me laughing when I hung up instead of tearful and unhappy.  I can't remember what was funny, but the good feeling that I STILL like this person was back.  Also the fact that my father, who is 84 years old, can find some humor in what my sib is going through, and can joke some about it, much to my step-mother's shock and dismay, makes talking about it with them easier.  No one is tiptoeing around the issue in this family.

Thanks again for letting me vent.
Becky

I forgot to add to my other post that we finally got pictures of my sib "dressed." 

Dani had put it off (with us nagging and pleading) for a while, because of not "looking just right", but finally understood our need of seeing  the progress, and not just an appearance in a year and looking like a complete stranger!!!

My reaction was not "Oh my God, what is it!"  But, "With some time, he could actually pass as a pretty convincing middle aged woman."  We could still see our Danny, but can also picture what Dani will look like when the transition is complete.

Becky

Hello Becky,

It's great to hear from you again.  From your post it's obvious that the issues between you and Dani are on the mend, that's really great to see.  Just being able to talk is a huge plus, and whether that talking is done live on the phone or electronically makes no difference, it's the communication that counts.

Being able to laugh at life is one of the best ways to cope with those curve balls that life throws at you.  But when it comes to Dani, I imagine that it was a screw ball.  Having this out in the open removes a huge burden from every ones shoulders, you know what they say about problems being shared.

I bet Dani was very happy with the way the pictures transpired, acceptance is a big part of this whole thing, and at the start of this it can be pretty rough going, with lots of self doubt.

Venting, nope it's just you talking about what's on your mind and having someone there to listen.  That's what Susan's is all about.

Take care, keep us posted, and don't be a stranger,

Steph :)

Dear Becky,
Wow you have made me feel all levels of the emotional spectrum here. I have read through the entire post since your first one including all the replies.

As it was said by one of those and dittoed, "Your brother has changed on the outside, but the essence of his soul has not, in fact her feelings, thoughts, convictions are probably still the same as you knew." This is probably true for now but as time goes on with the hormone replacement some of those mannerisms of temperament may change. It's like you when your hormone levels rise and fall. (You may want to read Suzanne Summer's The Sexy Years it will help give you some insight about the hormone roller coaster.

I agree with this pat too. One thing to understand is that this is how your once brother now sister has been all her life, so you're not really losing anything.  When people come out and wish to transition, that person is not changing whom they are, they're changing what they look like. This is really true of anyone that under goes and surgical change to the body. Think of breast implants on women, or face-lifts or nose job or tummy tuck and liposuction.

Also I think this could be true too. But you won't know if you don't ask. I think it's also Dani values your insight and womanly knowledge and what you can bring to your relationship now. "Your brother was reaching out for your help." maybe..."If she felt she could do it on her own, she probably wouldn't have bothered." Probably.

You have to know that waiting to be free of the body he felt was housing the real Dani has been there for such a long time. Letting the remodeling process go with out talking over how the rooms are changing and the excitement of having the start of what has been long for would be impossible.  Because she's been keeping this inside for a very long time, doesn't mean that Dani wasn't thinking of it all this time privately. You just weren't in the particular loop. Ouch that probably hurts too. I know it did for me when my significant other told me. (You could read about the in intro forums) It was one no other was privy too. Ouch again. I'm sure there are things in your life you share with no one but you maker too maybe. Which is ok... I make no judgment here.
"When I was "growing up" and when my daughter was turning into a young woman, THAT was not the whole focus of our lives."
This may be but allow for uniqueness and individuality. You were also not deprived the in it's own time growth process either. Attempt something that has been put off because putting others first in your life for so long and see if you don't bubble over with enthusiasm. I have waited for years to be come a grandma. Our children moved out of the home and on into create their own worlds some 13 years ago. We just actually became grandparents in March. I talk of this baby everyday to everyone who'll listen. That's the key here finding who will listen! Dani has found you for this. It was said by another to stear the conversation in another direction from the details that make you uncomfortable. I agree. In all Dani's excitement it's lost that you have a very feminine, and lady like set of ears and feelings. The set Dani has are not fully developed to such heights of sophistication yet.

"My anger is not directed at my sibling.  My anger is for the whole situation.  I have always known my brother was "different', and for a time I thought he was gay.  So I was neither shocked or surprised when he told me of his choice to become a woman.

Something is not letting you to see her for who she really was inside. I mean if you say a horse is a dog it's not so. Neither if you say Dani has been a brother all your life is that so. Take away the gender, brothers are male and sisters are female issues. Remember the "Tom-boy girl you knew growing up. It's not nobodies fault he was trap in the wrong house. It's like a maze. Dani has just found the opening out but it has a long hallway to get completely out.

My sadness is for what he has been hiding (or thoght he was hiding) all these years, and for my lovely sister-in-law who thought she had the perfect marriage because her spouse was so empathetic and kind.

No Matter how long they were together, no matter what level of marriage they had. Your Father being a Minister has even spoke these vows in marriage ceremonies. "For better or worse, for richer for pourer, in sickness and health till death do you part. Your sister-in-law probably even repeated a version similar to this. Were did she repeat " unless Dani does something I can't handle?" It's ok to feel sad for her but she hasn't even tried to live with the changes ahs she? This reminds me of a card I was sent by Leah when she was still he and not transitioning. It had a comic princess on a white steed and a toad on the grown looking up to it and the caption read something like "So our is not your typical story book romance." She may have grown deeper and closer in the relationship. At the point Leah and I are that is true. I pray for patience, understanding and wisdom daily. Also for strength to meet what ever the day brings me.

God did not EVER make mistakes. Who is to say living 50 years in a male body wasn't by some grand design?" Remember you were raised to not question the Devine Wisdom. Well when man has intervened and there became slightly off or whatever degree off what we perceive as perfect. "All in the eyes of the beholder" No Judging! It causes us to be separate from our maker. I'm so thankful we have a merciful God. To bad more of the people we encounter in our life's path deviate from His divine image and don't pass on that mercy.

They all think if they pray hard enough he will change back to who he was before.  My prayer for him is that he can find peace and happiness and acceptance. I feel you should include prayers for Dani's former Minister and Congregation too. They will need God's mercy.

Someone said "femminine pronouns should always be used when reffering to your new sister." Out of respect and in support of Dan's choice I agree. If Dani's stands before you in female garb then she's a she. You need to respect this. For your sake you ma need to ask Dani to move a bit slower and let you have him as a brother once in a while. When some one dies without warning you have the chance to say your goodbyes. When they have knowledge death is coming then you can prepare more. You naturally go through a with drawl. Maybe it will help you get past some of your anger. For if you look at as though Dani will be gone and actually died in body after the transision's complete you will be far more blessed to have the sister born from that death. As Cassi so stated too.

The only thing I guess I've really got to go on as far as relating to your feelings is the sense of loss I felt when my step dad died. The empty feeling knowing I would never again be able to sit with him on the end of his bed as he sat in his chair by the window were he watched the birds at the feeder and carried on about tales from his youth. But then no one moved into his place and said I'm your mother who used to be your father and I have special needs and need special attention. I think my reaction would probably be who the heck are you and what have you done with my dad. Cassi.

Grandma used to say don't judge another or voice opposition to another's choices till you've walked in their shoes. I think many people in Dani's life need to take theirs off socks and all and put on those of Dan's for a better feel of how pinched Dani's toes have been.

Becky you have grown a lot in the weeks and months. It is good to be able to find compromise on both parts. I'm glad your family let Dani be a part of such a big day. They will not have regrets later, as they might have had they stuck to their guns on the issues they set at first.

Picture are a good way for Dani and you to help fine tune some of what needs attention in grooming as a women now. She will be able to see just how she is progressing and if she likes the "New Me she is becoming." I used to use them a lot working with the young women for Pageants. The critiques don't have to be said sometimes because they can see for themselves and asked for help addressing the issues.

Please do keep us in your loop as your future transpires. We care here at Susan Place.

Prayers for you all,
Peggiann