Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I guess this is another part of mental transition for me. The more I socialize with other guys as a guy, and the more I'm treated as a regular joe, the more I feel different. As much as I love the feeling, I'm not like the other guys. I was raised a girl, with female genitals. No amount of brain gender or hormones is going to make me the same. I'm forever set apart no matter what I do. I was always out of place and drastically different among girls. And even though it feels like home being a guy among guys, I know I'm still drastically different. I guess I'm always going to be drastically different from the other humans around, male or female.

Does this feeling go away or at least fade to the point where I'm not always conscious of my difference? It's really not about other people's reactions at this point (so far all good), it's about my feeling different.

If your mind is male, your male.  Live it, don't worry about the differences.  Sure, you didn't go through male puberty (but then I didn't go through female puberty).

There is nothing we can do about the things we missed, all we can do is move forward.  My lack of surgery has not kept me out of the women's private conversations.  The women I know accept me and include me in their talks (things men will never hear about). 

Quit dwelling on the things you don't have and haven't experienced.

(nice advice, too bad I can't always live it myself :) )

I think in the end you need to accept the difference and not dwell on it because you're experiences are part of what make you who you are. It's not always easy, we can be singled out for being different, but my experience is the more comfortable you are with yourself the less you get singled out anyway.

It's just one of those things that comes with time and I'll freely admit that i have a way to go yet.

I don't know the answer to your question.

In some ways I think it is what you focus on.  For example, if you moved to a country across the world and started meeting new people, there would be 100 reasons you are similar to them, and 100 reasons you are different (none of them being trans related).  People from different cultures can be vastly dissimilar and still very much alike at heart.

One approach would be to focus on the common ground you have and just be aware that there will be little speedbumps to remind you of how things may not be as you preferred.

This is easier said than done.  There are things about me that have made me feel like an outsider at times.  It doesn't feel good.  But at the same time, I'm not sure I would trade that.  For me, I think I am bittersweetly happy about being who I am. 

I believe you will find your own way to come to terms with this.
 

In my personal experience, the feeling of being different fades the more you socialise with people that don't know your past.

The more I got out there and lived as a normal man among other men, the more I realised just how similar we all were. It came as a bit of a shock - the hard stoic stereotype of the "man" seems to be nothing but a myth you see on TV. Real men in the real world are just.... normal. It floored me - they live, they laugh, and they love - just the same as I do. Sometimes even more so :laugh:.

It is a part of mental transition, and it takes time to adapt to. Give it time.

This:

Quote from: Teknoir on December 10, 2010, 05:16:05 PM
In my personal experience, the feeling of being different fades the more you socialise with people that don't know your past.

It is a part of mental transition, and it takes time to adapt to. Give it time.

I'm struggling a little with this now, but it does get better with time.  When I was at my daughter's and she would introduce me as her mom, I wanted to add the caveat that I'm only sort-of her mom.  (Thankfully, I didn't.)  But the more you live authentically as you, the more you settle into just being the woman (or man) that you are.  And in my experience, if the people who knew you from before fully accept the new, real you, then you don't need to go somewhere that no one knows of your past.

As Teknoir says, it is a mental transition and just takes time.  And it really does get better. :)

- Kate

How many years did you live in your birth gender?  All those years you were conditioned to be female, because of what was between your legs at birth.  We are who we are because of what's between our ears.  But it takes a while for the conditioning to wear off.  It's kind of like de-programming someone who was brainwashed in a cult.  But instead of intense intervention by experts and all of society supporting the effort, we have to do it all ourselves, often times with a lot of resistance. 

Give yourself a break.  No sense beating up on the only person upon whom you can always rely.  It takes time.  Along the way, enjoy the ride and when things get a little crazy, remember where you were and remind yourself where you're going.  That should help take the edge off.

Wow, thanks everyone. I still feel a little weird but getting better. Thanks.  :)
But keep going with the tips and personal experiences, It helps.  :)

Bro, you're different. Every guy is different. I'm a white collar professional and most of my friends are loggers and fishermen. I am not the shortest among us, but I am the most out of shape, cause I sit at a desk and my friends work in physical jobs. My difference isn't just because of the way I was born, it's because of what I do. I'm still liked for who I am. You got to stop thinking about your birth gender making you different. Lots of other things do too. Eventually you will stop focussing on the gender thing and just be a guy among guys.

Dennis

Quote from: Dennis on December 11, 2010, 01:26:42 AM
Bro, you're different. Every guy is different. I'm a white collar professional and most of my friends are loggers and fishermen. I am not the shortest among us, but I am the most out of shape, cause I sit at a desk and my friends work in physical jobs. My difference isn't just because of the way I was born, it's because of what I do. I'm still liked for who I am. You got to stop thinking about your birth gender making you different. Lots of other things do too. Eventually you will stop focussing on the gender thing and just be a guy among guys.

Dennis

Good to know. Thanks Den.

My being trans and trans issues were always at the fore the first 1-2 years of transition (but how can it NOT be?!).  Now I forget about it unless it gets brought up.  I was on a date with another guy recently and was loving it, but then had the 'oh, yeah' moment when I realized that if things got more serious I would have to explain my small dick.

Oh, yeah.

Eventually I hope to forget about it.  But likely that isn't possible.


Jay

Forum Admin your special that's why your different.
Everyone has come from different backgrounds, has had different experiences in life, have different physical characteristics, have different socialization experiences.
All of these things makes each of us different.
As individuals (humans) we all feel like outsiders at times.
Feelings of being different can come from being left out of a conversation, people not paying attention when we talk, not seemingly feeling the same way as other. And a thousand other thinks.
You are different but remember you are accepted, first by yourself and than by others.
So Forum Admin don't let it bug you.
Hugs
Jillieann

It fades away eventually even if little reminders pop up here and there (and probably always will), like Teknoir said meeting new people would be the fastest way to illustrate the point that it doesn't matter. The only time it's an issue for me now is when my friends are complaining about their periods or talking about school days, other than that I don't feel like I have a big T sign above my head anymore despite being pre-op and needing a boob job. Took about a year of living full time I think.

Quote from: Dennis on December 11, 2010, 01:26:42 AM
Bro, you're different. Every guy is different. I'm a white collar professional and most of my friends are loggers and fishermen. I am not the shortest among us, but I am the most out of shape, cause I sit at a desk and my friends work in physical jobs. My difference isn't just because of the way I was born, it's because of what I do. I'm still liked for who I am. You got to stop thinking about your birth gender making you different. Lots of other things do too. Eventually you will stop focussing on the gender thing and just be a guy among guys.

Dennis

This is really good and worth remembering.

It reminds me of a story.  I have dear friends who are two men who've been together for 25 years.  When a men's group formed at their church they joined.  It was large enough that they split into smaller groups.  One of my friends said he was worried about being the only gay man in his group – they'd all be complaining about their wives or something – but he found out he was the odd man out because he was the only one who was retired.

I am different from my friends because I am the only trans woman, but I am different for many other reasons (career military, motorcyclist, and many others).  My being trans is just one aspect of who I am, and as time goes by it becomes less consequential – to them and to me.

Hang in there.

- Kate

We're all different, as many here have said.
We all have our own path to walk.

One if the things I try to do, and try to advocate for in general, is owning one's differences.
It doesn't matter that others don't know "how" you are different. We can't know how others are different most of the time either.
It matters to accept that there are differences, accept that we are different yes, but to stop, just stop, letting our differences steal away from us.
It's not the same thing as telling people. It's not the same thing as making it important or a part of identity.
It's just taking the fact that we're different and going "yeah, so?" to ourselves.

I'm a trans-man,... yeah, so?
Hubby looks ten years older than he is,... yeah, so?
My brother's legs are perfectly hairless and could pass as a pair of woman's legs,... yeah, so?
One of my friends is a lesbian,... yeah, so?
My sister can bench more than my brother,... yeah, so?
My mother has done more construction than my two brothers combined,... yeah, so?
My friend lost a testicle in an accident,... yeah, so?

I'm still me, they are still them. Doesn't make a difference that we're different.

There's nothing wrong with being different.  What's wrong is that society tries to force everyone to be the same.  Heaven help us who don't fit the cookie cutter (which almost no one does anyway).  That pressure society puts on us comes from a deep fear and insecurity on society's part.  People who can't tolerate differences in others have something very wrong with them.

Quote from: jmaxley on December 11, 2010, 07:31:23 PM
Heaven help us who don't fit the cookie cutter (which almost no one does anyway).

I like that, I'm not different I just don't fit the cookie cutter. Can I use that? Cause seriously that is an awesome way to put it.

In all seriousness though as everyone pointed out you had so many years living as a different gender, don't worry too much it'll come to you in time. I'm in the same boat right now. Spent so many years living as that ugh female bodied person who wanted to hang with the guys which meant getting made fun of but I sure didn't fit with the girls either. Eventually I latched onto 3 or 4 people who understood and cut out the rest of the world. Now that the outside world will finally accept me for the man I've always been I don't remember how to act around people. Socially awkward is what I am I guess. It's getting easier though man, so it will get easier for you.

You are your own kind of man, Forum Admin.  Just as any man is.  It may take awhile to reprogram your core programs ( training and the way you were raised. A.K.A as female ) but it happens day by day.  Don't worry about it little things.  Just be the Best You, you can be.

I have asked myself/god/the universe the exact same question as in the OP on many occasions.

While I revile in the moment when a stranger treats me as female with obviously no hesitation, while I take great joy when i interact with someone who "knows" but still honors me by treating me as "one of the girls", I sincerely appreciate those who respect my self-identity and treat me accordingly BUT...


I LONG to be so fully transitioned that I never think of myself as out of place. yes, everyone is different but it's not just being different, it's the feeling (or lack thereof) of belonging. it's not as simple as this but as an illustration - the idea of going to the ladies Room without hesitation or even the hint of the feeling that there might be drama...it's thinks like identifying completely with the female part in a song or a movie or a book...it's the instinctive habitual  self-reference (i.e. saying "If i were a gambling girl" instead of "If I were a gambling man" and such like)


I KNOW it's just a matter of time and immersion but I miss it so deeply.

I was having dinner on Weds with my sis in law and we started to talk about how strange guys are. Sorry Guys :embarrassed:.
Their desire to fit in with their groups, be the same but different, the cult (?) of the alpha male. The 'gang' mentality and the need to be anonymous in a group.  Ok we may have got a bit carried away. But is this what you are referring to Forum Admin? Because in yet another way it yet again  defines your masculinity.

Yes women have group friendships but they appear to based based on totally different criteria.

Just thoughts as usual

Cindy

Yes those feelings faded away along time ago, because I was living my life, working, studying and family gave me little chance to even think about those things.

On rare occasions those thoughts will pass my mind, I will have a little laugh to myself about it depending on the thought and then continue unabated with what I was doing.

So take heart as time goes by those thoughts will diminish and of course you will be you.

Kind regards
Sarah B

All I would add to the above is, after 56 years of trying to be a bloke myself, is that you will eventually stop paying any attention to these feelings the more you socialise as a man. Due to coming from the other direction I was always trying to suppress feelings rather than bring them out more.
Eventually the underlying psyche will take over and you will find that you stop the female emotional reaction, and adopt a male reaction and  just get on with the job of living. When that happens you will know you have arrived as a bloke.