Susan's Place Transgender Resources

 Remember this is just for laughs!

>:-) Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

;) Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

:D Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

;D Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

:o Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

::) All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

:P In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

:laugh: and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."

Hope a giggle resulted for you!

Hugs Simone.

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

Metal,

Wood,

Stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was over joyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.


THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.






But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly.




The second prince brought diamonds.





He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.


:-[



The third prince approached. He told the princess,

'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.






She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!


The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.






Question: What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)


V

V







M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking?? You know I wouldn't send anything rude










BE HAPPY EVERY ONE!


Simone

 :laugh:

and then Awwwww....

Thanks for sharing  :)

Thank you Simone V!!! I did have a laugh. I read your post to Erocse and she laughed too.

~Hugs~

Patty

SANTA HAS TO BE A WOMAN OR TRANS!

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.


PS, Mrs Erocse and Erocse, you to are so adorable.  Must be wonderful to be so close and share this wonderful transformation. 

Hugs everyone.
Simone.

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.



The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."



He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Thank you Simone

You did make me laugh which is a very nice gift

Cindy

Those are some good jokes... Loved it!!!  ;D

Quote from: Simone V on December 09, 2010, 05:03:56 PM

>:-) Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

this one made me giggle

QuoteMen have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich

then why do I not see a high heel wearing woman making me an endless supply of sandwiches? -pouts towards empty kitchen-

Did you want ham and cheese on rye or would you like something less caloric like say light penutbutter on toast JosephKT?

Quote
Did you want ham and cheese on rye or would you like something less caloric like say light penutbutter on toast JosephKT?

Haha, well being a man obviously I would want bacon, bacon, and well bacon.  Maybe a steak in between.

Sounds like True Happiness is some sort of beer sandwich then! ;D

well sure, Beer = Bread.  Fills you up, yeast and grainy flavour, gives you a gut when eaten in too large of quantities, doesn't make you drunk (at least I can never get drunk on beer) and totally counts as a meal on its own.

oKay then one steak and bacon sandwich with a beer Coming up Sir. Would you like a side of onion rings with that?

You are adorable JosephKT.  Keep on smiling

Hugs Simone.


Oh PS Men and beer?
What do men and beer bottles have in common?


They're both empty from the neck up!

His & Hers Road Trip
HERS:
-----

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window.

3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:
----

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window.

5. Hocks a loogie.

6. Pulls up to a 7-11.

7. Gets three hot dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.

8. Asks guy behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

9. Gets back into car.

10. Farts.

11. After he closes the door.

12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because Habib El-Mahawatashmin back at the 7-11 said it was.

14. Almost hits a deer.

15. Curses the night.

16. Curses you.

17. Curses the large slurpee.

18. Stops by the side of the road.

19. Takes a leak.

20. Still taking a leak.

21. Almost done.

22. I think.

23. Returns to car.

24. Drives and fiddles with radio.

25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

27. He hates your sister.

28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

29. He had to look up pernicious.

30. Couldn't find a dictionary.

31. Finally found a dictionary.

32. Couldn't spell pernicious.

33. Seethes at the memory of it all.

34. But she is laughing inside...

35. And of course you're still lost.

hugs and hope you are laughing!
Simone

Quote from: Simone V on December 09, 2010, 05:03:56 PM
>:-) Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Erm, I'll admit it; I was just debating between going to make a sandwich or dealing with my other emotion.
Thanks for the laugh

LMAO these are hilarious. Thanks for sharing!  ;D

Since I haven't posted here for a few weeks I'm going to give you a number of posts all in one. Happy reading wish you loads of laughs.

Updated quote of the year. 
George Carlin Quote

Women are crazy. Men are stupid. The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
--

Word Definition

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women 
JOKES - Differences Between Men and Woman

   1. Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up. 

   2. That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake. 

   3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

   4. Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)

   5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go. 

   6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3) 

   7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!) 

   8. Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

---

Differences Between Man and Women
Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.
Bathrooms
Related Image

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Cats

Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.
Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

----

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

----

For you M2F people here's what to look forward too.

Why Men Are Happier

Men can play with toys all their life.

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Weddings take care of themselves.

Men's last name never changes.

Everything on a man's face stays its original color.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

Men have one mood all the time.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks

Men can open all their own jars.


love and hugs to you all
Simone.

Quote from: Simone V on January 13, 2011, 01:07:15 PM

Word Definition

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women 
JOKES - Differences Between Men and Woman

 
   3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

   6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3) 

   7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!) 

No matter how many times I've been in the situation it never changes... and gay men but have the same mind as women, because they totally pull the same antics.

3. Can guessing what the "nothing" is make the situation worse, because I swear I've guessed it before and the partner in question flew into a rage
6. It may be non-verbal, but it's still a statement, you expect us not to respond to that?!  It's like tickling someone and telling them don't move, but worse.  And it's so much worse after the statement "Fine" or "That's Okay" has been made.
7. Dares don't count unless you state outright that it is a dare so that's your fault ladies  :P

okay to be fair to the guys. I am going to put this in so that they have a clue.

What He Says When You're Dating
An at-a-glance guide to his love talk:

A slew of research has established that men and women use language in different ways. For women, talk is the glue that holds relationships together. To men, conversation is a means, not an end. They don't even like talking to each other that much -- two guys can watch a game in silence for four hours and walk away feeling they've bonded. When men do use words, it's primarily doublespeak to stay on top. Here's how to make sense of the favorite phrases he uses for different stages of your union:

When You're Dating
He says: So maybe we could get together or something?
He means: I think you're really hot and want to ask you out, but I'm too chicken to say so

He says: Nothing about seeing you again
He means: His mojo wasn't rising

He says: You're a really good person
He means: You'll never see him again

He says: Let's be friends
He means: You're not my type, but could you set me up with your hot friend?

He says: I'll call you
He means: I really mean to call but I'm scared you'll say yes, we'll go out and it will be a letdown. Or worse, what if it's not? Do I want to go through all the hassle of dating? Get married? Have kids? Aaahhhh!

He says: We're dating
He means: We've spent at least five nights together, at least one of which has ended in sexual contact. But in no way are we exclusive

He says: We're seeing each other
He means: It's down to you and one other woman

He says: I think we should date exclusively
He means: I'm scared that if I don't make things more permanent, you'll date someone else

What He Says When He Wants Sex
He says: This is our third date, isn't it?
He says: Is it warm out or just me?
He says: What time do you go to work in the morning?
He says: You think it's true what they say about oysters?
He means: I WANT SEX

He says (in the middle of a great orgasm): I love you
He means: I love that incredible thing you are doing with your finger/tongue/body right now

He says (immediately after making love): It'll be great to show you the house I grew up in (or anything else that smacks of the future)
He means: Are you thinking about your ex and how much better he was than me?

He says: We haven't spoken for ages and I've been thinking about you
He means: I haven't gotten laid in almost three months

He says: I'm not looking to get serious
He means: I just want a little nookie

He says: How many guys have you been with?
He means: I'm the best, right?

What He Says When He's Serious
He says: I really like you
He means: I think I am falling in love but if I say that word, there is no going back
He says (in the middle of a date): It'll be great to show you the house I grew up in (or anything else that smacks of the future)
He means: See Above

He says: "Girlfriend" and he's not doing a Ru Paul imitation
He means: You've made him breakfast, he fixed your car and his buddies aren't allowed to come on to you

He says: Nothing's wrong. I'm fine
He means: God, I know you want to talk about my day and all my interrelationships with my colleagues and boss and the guy who drives my bus, but I am at home now and I just want to drink 10 beers, eat a bag of chips for dinner and zone out

He says: Maybe we need to slow down
He means: Maybe you need to slow down

He says: I don't know what I want
He means: I don't want you

He says: I need some space
He means: I'm about this close to dumping you but I haven't worked up the nerve yet

He says: You're an amazing woman
He means: You're an amazing woman

He says: I love you
He means: You make me incredibly happy whenever we are together. I think you may be The One.

What He Hears When You Speak
Men don't always hear everything you're saying, which means he's not always getting your message:

You say (after being introduced): Do you know this band?
He hears: I want you now

You say: What do you do?
He hears: Are you making enough money to make you marriage material?

You say: My ex is a crazy stalker who won't stop calling me. He scares me
He hears: I'm still in love with my ex

You say: What are we doing Saturday night?
He hears: I want all your time for the rest of your life

You say (after making love): That was really nice
He hears: That was the best sex of my life. Let's do it again!

hugs Simone!