Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Does...er...anyone else get this. usually in response to something silly a man has said or done. you know that white hot 30 seconds where you just want to kill, maim, burn!

then reality reaserts its self and you suddenly feel a lot calmer.

I'm not sure. I'll be more aware of my emotions and report back. All I know for sure, is that pre-HRT, that destructive desire was there most of the time. I kept it to myself obviously, otherwise I'd probably be in prison. :D Just kidding, but not totally. So much rage...

It wasn't really a destructive desire...more a case of man says something stupid...annoyance at said stupidity blossoms into rage...a happy couple of minutes typing up the reply to the email that annoyed me in the first place...rage subsides...get on with days work.

I usually get it to, and it comes out as one word.  "MEN", usually with frustration.

Quote from: Janet Lynn on December 13, 2010, 02:23:54 PM
I usually get it to, and it comes out as one word.  "MEN", usually with frustration.

Ahhh well if that's what Helena meant then yes, I get that too, a lot!

Present day, it's similar to what Helena described, and yes, men do do that to me, but not that often, but more-so now than ever before. Some women also make me rage, but usually for a much different reason, also extremely unusual. I'm usually quite calm and collected, so the rage is really unusual.

Quote from: In Limbo... on December 13, 2010, 08:42:46 AM
All I know for sure, is that pre-HRT, that destructive desire was there most of the time. I kept it to myself obviously, otherwise I'd probably be in prison. :D Just kidding, but not totally. So much rage...

This X 10000000000. Imagine the Hulk, on his worst day, with severe PMS.  ;D

For me it's "stupid people" in general. Men, women, et al. Sometimes their ignorance, lack of manners, and level of stupidity is utterly shocking to me.

Quote from: JennX on December 13, 2010, 08:09:46 PM
For me it's "stupid people" in general. Men, women, et al. Sometimes their ignorance, lack of manners, and level of stupidity is utterly shocking to me.

You hit the nail right on the head, all of those categories are relevant. Just thinking about it makes me rage a bit (maybe I'm wrong to classify it as rage, it's much more subtle than that). It all makes me lose faith in humanity a small bit at a time.

Interestingly, I traced a lot of major rage issues back to taking adderall.

Adderall worked fantastically for me [for ADHD] prior to increasing my testosterone dosage.  Shortly after I increased my dose, I started experiencing overwhelming rage- often well out of proportion to the triggering event.

I was, for some time, terrified that testosterone was the culprit.  Thank god I have a wonderful therapist who suggested that Adderall could actually be the issue.

Switched from Adderall to Ritalin?  Problem solved.

Weird how body biochemistry can change on HRT, to the extent that other medications have to be adjusted.

I used to have issues with having a horrible short temper ... Stupid people would set me off and make me a cranky person for days.  When I started HRT, all that pretty much went away.  I'm thinking it must have been something to do with low Testosterone levels.  I'm pretty sure I had low levels prior to starting HRT. 

Recently, my Estrogen script was increased to a higher dose, and I'll honestly say that I'm being somewhat ... perky.  Things still bug me on occasion, but nowhere near as bad as before.

I had people at work today look at me like I was on crack or something.  It is so out of character for me usually.  I'm expecting eventually someone will pull the "Random Drug Test" card. :P

I noticed the same thing. I now have instant flareups of anger over stupid things like something falling or hitting my toe. I get so mad for an instant, then it's gone. I'm on T though.

I guess I'm a bit backwards, I no longer have that happen. I'm calm and even happy now where before I was angry at the world all the time.

Quote from: LordKAT on December 14, 2010, 06:57:13 AM
I guess I'm a bit backwards, I no longer have that happen. I'm calm and even happy now where before I was angry at the world all the time.

After sorting out the med issue?  Yep, ditto.
It's odd to feel so at peace with life.

Quote from: Muddy on December 14, 2010, 09:33:27 AM
After sorting out the med issue?  Yep, ditto.
It's odd to feel so at peace with life.

I agree ... I've spent so many years angry and frustrated at everyone, that when I realized i was being calm and mellow about all the crap that flies at me ... it shocked me a bit.   I'm diggin' it ... I hope it can continue.

Quote from: JennX on December 13, 2010, 08:09:46 PM
This X 10000000000. Imagine the Hulk, on his worst day, with severe PMS.  ;D

For me it's "stupid people" in general. Men, women, et al. Sometimes their ignorance, lack of manners, and level of stupidity is utterly shocking to me.

@ JennX:

Honey, I could not possibly agree with you any more about this matter than I already do.  Story of my life.  THIS is the reason I bagged college years ago and have not done well with jobs.  The overwhelming majority of people I've encountered are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stupid that it beggars belief and drives me to the brink of misanthropy and reclusiveness, believe me!!!!!!!

If you ever figure out how to deal with this, PLEASE tell me!!!

>:(   Lacey    ;)

Can't stand it ... honestly really can't!

Yes. But it gets easier to control with time.

Before starting HRT I would get very angry, irritable and I am ashamed to say this but even violent depending on what set me off...  I was pissed off most of the time and the rest of the time extremely grumpy and quiet ... but mostly calm except for those outburst...

After starting HRT, I am much more happier than I ever felt before and no longer very angry/ irritable.. maybe its more to do HRT giving us a sense of who we really are and our mind that balance that it so desperately craves....

however, I still loose it occasionally when someone does something extremely stupid....

I can't stay mad or angry for very long.
The emotions just seem to fad away.
Very different than pre HRT.
Jillieann

Quote from: Lacey Lynne on December 15, 2010, 01:04:43 AM
@ JennX:

Honey, I could not possibly agree with you any more about this matter than I already do.  Story of my life.  THIS is the reason I bagged college years ago and have not done well with jobs.  The overwhelming majority of people I've encountered are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stupid that it beggars belief and drives me to the brink of misanthropy and reclusiveness, believe me!!!!!!!

If you ever figure out how to deal with this, PLEASE tell me!!!

>:(   Lacey    ;)

Can't stand it ... honestly really can't!

Annoying... aren't they?  :laugh:

I recently felt angry at a guy for being a dick...but it was almost more bitterness...not really like wanting to harm him

Yes, it happens to me but not very often and it eventually fades faster than before HRT.

Generally I have been much more calm on HRT but have found myself noticing peoples habits more and then finding them annoying.


But in general stupid people frustrate me, not just the boys.

When I was young, like high school and 20's, the term killing rage would have been appropriate. White rage is the term that was generally thrown at me. I wouldn't have any recollection of the violence and general havoc that I had just created. I'd just wake up, people yelling at me or asking if I was all right. Other times, I knew perfectly well what I was doing. It was extreme, yet so tranquil at the time. It wasn't until later that the impact of it all would hit. I'd hit the bottle, and sleep it off.
But I learned to control a lot of it while in my 20's and 30's by just doing outrageous things that my friends wouldn't dare to do. Most all in fun with no harm to anyone except myself. I excepted the pain, I earned it. I wore it like a badge. It was my FU to everyone.

While that was all fun and not, I still have times of rage. I also have a safety net to catch me and let me down softly. Either by letting me do it, and or sometimes a little help from an injection or two.

Starting in a little over 3 wks, I'm hoping for enough of a change in my T levels that I will see or feel a difference. Low level stuff, but one of the determining factors of just where do I want my life to go from here. Sure, the lessening of the GD is first and foremost, but to get a dual relief from these? I may just want to be happy again. Always.

I always thought that the GID and a hormonal imbalance made me the person I'm perceived to be, and now finally my therapist believes this is true, too.
I lived in their hell, now help me find my way back out.
And they are going to finally help, instead of just giving me more or different meds that only control, but never fix anything.
I'm almost excited at the possibilities (I don't want to jinx it).

Hormones won't 'make' you happy, that is something you need to find in a different way. they can make it possible to be happier by not adding to the misery.

T lessened my rage moments by a lot. I used to not remember a fight but would remember being pulled out of one. That is no longer an issue. (So far)

Quote from: LordKAT on December 26, 2010, 03:32:31 PM
Hormones won't 'make' you happy, that is something you need to find in a different way. they can make it possible to be happier by adding to the misery.

A lot of posts, not just here, seem to indicate a certain level of 'misery' being lessened by dropping T levels. I'm assuming that. Less misery, more happy. I'm also hoping that a change in hormone levels will lessen the effects of GD. Again, I'm assuming that will allow the happier side of me to have more control over my emotions.
I know the hormones themselves won't make me happy, but if a change in levels affects my emotions in a positive way......
I find it interesting that higher T levels in FTM's has a calming effect. I assume, again, that this is because the levels for that person is where it makes them comfortable. Less 'misery', more happy.
I have learned to control my rage fits, a lot through mental gymnastics, but some of it is with meds that I would prefer not to be taking.
If HRT helps with calming me at all, helps smooth out the emotional issues with my GD, then it will be a two fold success. If it just smooths out the GD, still a success. Maybe then I will be able to learn better control over the fits of rage, without the meds.  :)

     Your calmness shines in your posts by the way.

Thanks for showing me an error in my post and for the calmness comment.

The T seemed to take the whole rage thing down to almost non-existence for me. I hope it has a similar effect on you.