Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Here's something I never thought would happen when I first started transitioning: apparently I'm not being feminine enough.  My mother and older sister keep telling me I need to do my hair and wear makeup every day.  Also I can't keep my keys on my belt loop despite them being super accessible there.  Did I mention my army green purse doesn't pass muster?  Supposedly its too small and drab.  I need something glamorous and whatnot.  Gah, I appreciate the advice but I didn't go through this to trade one set of constraints for another. 

Of all the things I thought about saying, the best answer I came up with was.  Heck, let them throw you a princess party, go all out as girly as you can make it and get it over with.  Then go back your comfort zone.  I would lose the keys on the caribiner though, that and a mullet will get you ready as a butch lesbian.  :)

But I like my carabiner keys!

I like having my keys on my belt too, and I've seen a few girls with them like that too. I actually don't like the idea of having my keys, phone, wallet and all in a purse that can get stolen easily...

Hey, if you really don't want to do some of those things, I understand. I don't feel like wearing makeup everyday either. Not all women wear tons of makeup, wear their hair super-girly and dress glamorous. It's not really about being a woman, but it's about being you...Maybe you can talk them into believing that...

I carry a bandana in my purse as a handkerchief.  (I live in the American west.)  I've gotten static for it, even though I have lots of different colors, including pink, and match them with my outfits.  So finally I went looking for women's handkerchiefs.  I couldn't find any and so asked a clerk.  She showed me what they had – small bandanas in only traditional red or blue. :P  I still carry my color-matched full-sized bandanas.

Do what is comfortable for you.  If you are worrying about passing (evidently not an issue for you, Maddie), then you might work on being more girly just to get past the first impression.  But otherwise just be yourself.  I fully agree with the idea of NOT exchanging one cage for another.

- Kate

Tow things spring to mind.

Sounds like they are trying to pull you into their peer groups, to be honest.

In one way, this is good, it shows they are accepting you. On the other hand, you may not wish to join thir group. Which seems to be the case. But given they are close relatives, this may cause some conflict of you don't handle carefully.

Female peer groups are more akin to a flat line with a bump where the alpha is. In this case, your mother, probably. As opposed to male peer groups which form a triangle.

The second thing that spings to mind, is they are making things difficult. That may not be as negative as it seems.

In either case, I do urge you to use a lot of tact and intelegnce here. These are sensitive issues and badly handled now, could destroy your relationshps in the long run. If you can, having a relationship with your female relaitives is really important for any girl.

My sister dose a similar thing although she doubts I'm trans because I wasn't femmy enough during my early transition because I was paranoid about looking like a drag queen.

My mother isn't supportive and wants me to stop and or go back. My opinions about both are the same, it's not their transition I'm becoming who *I* want to be and I know it's selfish but that's just it! She's not the one living my life.

My sister's "advice" on my hair was kind of annoying, so I sympathize.  But I envy you having any support from your mom.   :(

Go for the princess party. Let them enjoy their new daughter and sister, then grow into who you are. I think every girl has been through the 'Mum, I know you like me in that but I don't' .

They may also be adjusting themselves by thinking you haven't had the pleasures (?) of dress up etc that they enjoyed.

But they obviously respect and love you. Lots of people here in worse states than that :laugh: :laugh:

BTW you are looking good.

Cindy

I follow the line 'if you think you're a woman why don't you want to look like one?' 
But it is annoying to have to use both hands to root through my bag to find my keys.
And I drilled a hole in my mobile phone to thread a long cord through it so it is easy to yank out of the depths of the bag.

Think about the average 11 - 13 year old experience.  Boys are highly regarded for their masculinity, girls for their femininity.  Some people stay in those hyper masculine or hyperfeminine states, but most people evolve out of that towards their comfort zone.  Remind your family, or anyone else for that matter, of that.

It would seem to me that there is a general expectation, by the non-transgendered world, that as we transition we will indeed be either hyperfeminine or hypermasculine.  There doesn't seem to be a happy middle ground for them to see us any other way.  I blame the talk shows for that.

Yeah, I'd like to go on one of those shows just to prove that stereotype wrong.

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on December 16, 2010, 07:26:23 AM
Yeah, I'd like to go on one of those shows just to prove that stereotype wrong.

That would just scare the crap out of people.  "You mean they look just like <target gender>?"  I think they take comfort in knowing that they could spot a "->-bleeped-<-" if they ever saw one on the street, that we might look just like their hot neighbor they've had all those fantasies about might be too much for them to handle.  :)

Well let's not get crazy here, I'm just a regular neighbor. 

But I do want to take away that stigma that associates trans people with cross dressers.  I want to say, look we're not all trying to be like RuPaul here.  That it's ok to have fantasies about that hot neighbor with an irregular past.  Heck guys like man made boobs, why should a vagina be any different? 

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on December 16, 2010, 08:08:04 AM
Well let's not get crazy here, I'm just a regular neighbor. 

But I do want to take away that stigma that associates trans people with cross dressers.  I want to say, look we're not all trying to be like RuPaul here.  That it's ok to have fantasies about that hot neighbor with an irregular past.  Heck guys like man made boobs, why should a vagina be any different?

Maybe OT, but in terms of after market vaginas, the best I heard was something along the lines of if you've gotten to that point with a guy, what it looks like (natural vs.  man made) is the last thing on their minds.  :)

I know a few guys who have said that a man made vagina is just a trick to get them to sleep with another guy (they don't know I'm trans...maybe I ought to tell them).  That sort of thinking is a huge turn off. 

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on December 16, 2010, 11:09:22 PM
I know a few guys who have said that a man made vagina is just a trick to get them to sleep with another guy (

Why do I feel like "your honor" is somewhere in there...  :)

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on December 16, 2010, 11:09:22 PM
I know a few guys who have said that a man made vagina is just a trick to get them to sleep with another guy (they don't know I'm trans...maybe I ought to tell them).  That sort of thinking is a huge turn off.

They wish.

Do you see yourself as a guy with a vagina? Or a girl with something to give?

How they see you is, frankly, their problem. Guys like that generally see themselves as god's gift to humanity.

Guys like that generally see themselves as god's gift to humanity.

No, that's why they are looking for that special person.

Quote from: spacial on December 18, 2010, 12:26:20 PM
They wish.

Do you see yourself as a guy with a vagina? Or a girl with something to give?

How they see you is, frankly, their problem. Guys like that generally see themselves as god's gift to humanity.

Well I don't have a vagina right now so I'm a girl who has no choice but to give which I don't particularly like.  But hey wearing my keys on my belt could be construed as a sign to most guys as "can't touch this" ::insert MC Hammer tune::

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on December 18, 2010, 11:46:34 PM
Well I don't have a vagina right now so I'm a girl who has no choice but to give which I don't particularly like.  But hey wearing my keys on my belt could be construed as a sign to most guys as "can't touch this" ::insert MC Hammer tune::

Possibly.

But we need to learn to be who we are.

If you spend your time trying to conform to some ideal of womanhood you'll end up being the same stereotype that you've managed to shake off.

The point is, you're a woman. Everything else, you're you.

You probably know, I non-op. One of the problems I personally have is that I will be expected to live as and present as female. That will mean female clothes, padded bra, makup and so on.

Well, I like to wear jeans and a sweatshirt with Doc Martein shoes. (Comfortable). But that's not considred to be female clothing. Doh!

I would live to have a female shape, but I don't. So I don't see why I should wear a bra when I don't have anthing to put into it.

I do live as female.

I'm sorry of this sounds like a ramble, but what I'm trying to get at is we need to learn to be who we are.

Many women never wear a dress unless they needs to. Many never wear makup and don't own any. But that doesn't mean they aren't female.

At the moment, you need to make efforts in a number of directions, simply to satisfy the gate keepers. Humour them for as long as you need to.

Everyone else can accept you as you are, or get lost, frankly.

Quote from: spacial on December 19, 2010, 06:42:44 AM
But we need to learn to be who we are.

I told my therapist, by anyother name I would have grown up a tomboy.  But really?  I mean what did I really do, as a boy, growing up, had I been identified as female would have gotten a "isn't she just a little tomboy" or something like that.  I did have a doll (with matching stroller), I did play with nailpolish with my cousin (female), I preferred playing with her over anyone else, I didn't like sports, though I did like "action figures" and my only interest in barbie dolls was in looking at them and wondering what was wrong with me. 

So am I a self described tomboy becuase I never got a chance to be raised as a female or without the pressure to conform to a male role would I have been, well not a tomboy (as in how girly would I be had I been raised as a female)?

Friends and family will always give you advice on appearing more feminine.
For most of us appearing more feminine will make mis-gendering less likely.
The point is to decide what you do or don't care about.

If something is minor, you don't really care and it will decrease the "sirs", why not?
If you feel that something else is part of your core identity, keep it.

Well I know who I am.  I'm on HRT and I'm working my but off to save for surgery for me.  I'm doing it because that's something I want and not for anyone else.  Its the fact that I'm comfortable with who I am that I don't find it necessary to be super feminine.  So I like getting all dressed up from time to time.  Of course I do.  I just don't want to have to do it on a regular basis.

And as far as decreasing the "sirs" it actually doesn't bother me as much.  Well let me be specific about that, if I'm dressed up to go out, make up and such then it would bother me.  But if I'm just walking around in my chucks, jeans and a sweater then I don't care as much because I'm not actively trying to appear feminine.  I don't know if that makes sense.  The whole point is I'm comfortable enough with who I am as a woman that I don't need to put effort into not getting called sir anymore.

I haven't heard "t-shirt and jeans passable" used in a while.  Not that I think that's what we're after here, but do I need to wear a dress to be considered a woman or can I just slum it in a t-shirt and jeans and not have to worry about being sir'ed?  That's just my perspective.