Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Yeah... Ze BF and I are together again.

He said the day before yesterday that the only thing that was "guy" about me was that I sometimes looked vaguely boyish.
Then, he said that it seemed like I wanted to "cheat the universe" and become genderless. I told him that that wasn't the case, and told him about beard dreams and everything.
He gave me these "man rules":
1. Stop whining, stop being emotional.
2. Use more physical violence, apparantly this is how men settle disputes.
3. Never say no to sex unless the Superbowl is on.
Then, he said that he had to call me a girl and think of me as a girl to see me as sexy.
Is it DTMFA time yet? Should I? Have I got the reasons to do it?

Let's put it this way ...like a BOSS!! doesn't refer to you if others are telling you what to do.  And real men don't use violence, that's the last resort of the incompetent or the desperate.  The best real guys know how to settle disputes without you even knowing they are doing it.

At this stage... umm my instinct would be to
1) Declare every day superbowl day
and then point out how that doesn't matter to him anyway because
2) *chairshot*

But seriously, He doesn't seem to understand, or want to try to, or even care about it past how it's screwing with what he wants, when it comes to your gender issues. None of that is good, none of it leads to you being happy or being able to properly figure yourself out in the long run, short run, medium run. Ever, basically. Walk away.

And ignore everything he's ever said about being male that you've put up here. Its the equivalent of 'girls like dolls and ponies cos they're girls, durrrr' version of being a guy

Quote from: pixiegirl on December 16, 2010, 12:21:23 AM
Walk away.

Got to second that.  Doesn't sound like a healthy situation.

Ok, I will. Thanks, everyone.

I knwo I'm crap at feelings, it means a lot to me to have you people help me deciphering everything like that.

Thanks again. :)

Stop whining

I have to think that good advice for anyone, and everyone.

I also say it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

3. Never say no to sex unless the Superbowl is on.

Sounds like a wuss.  Real Guys® know the best football games are the 4 divisional play-off games that go down weeks before the Superbowl - which often sucks.  That, and the Superbowl is only there to have something to watch between the World Series and the start of Spring Training.

We're having a fight atm. Pretty interesting sh:t.

"The nature of being a man is being in constant dread of another restraining order." -quote from him.

Lovely, ain't he?

He is going to be violent with you.  He's done everything but schedule the day to start smacking you around.   He's going to say 'It's for your own good', or tell you 'he's helping you be a man' and once he gets started, it don't stop. We know if he's joking about restraining orders, he's not only a loser, he's also too stupid to know when he's lost.

Hey, so I don't really know your history with this guy, but it sounds like you have broken up before.  A rule of thumb I usually go by: If you've broken up before, there was probably a good reason.  Listen to your intuition!

I know that letting someone go can be hard.  Even ->-bleeped-<-s, and believe me that this guy is an ->-bleeped-<-.  You need to leave.

From only a few posts from you I've learned:
-He's closed-minded
-Sexist
-He will not be supportive of you going through social or physical transition
-He thinks that any guy who isn't exactly like him (or how he'd like to be) isn't a real man
-Thinks that violence is a valid way to solve disputes
-Overall just a total jerkface

I've dated jerks before, there is no "curing" them.  You just have to leave and wait for them to become nothing but a funny story to your future self.  Think about what a long-term relationship would be like with a closed-minded, sexist, violent person.  Sounds like a recipe for domestic abuse to me.

You deserve a lot better. You need someone who will help you to grow and learn about yourself. It isn't fair to you to let him treat you like this. Do yourself a favor and kick him to the curb.

Quote from: PixieBoy on December 16, 2010, 12:58:42 AM
"The nature of being a man is being in constant dread of another restraining order." -quote from him.

Well you could make that dread a little less....existential.. for him.  :P

But please, cut the ties. I only know him from what you've said of him which = manipulative emotionally blackmailing and stunted douche with a violence complex. You shouldn't have that in your life, even for love.

young people see partners as practice to be used and dumped as soon as something better comes along.  dump him and look for something better.

Get rid of him and hope he gets hit by a bus. [deleted] his ->-bleeped-<-.

basically everything that has been said here boils down to two concepts-
1. he is potentially violent danger
2. leave now.

There is no excusing violence, and it sounds like he hasn't the wit to appreciate that a real man knows how to restrain himself.

Man, do what you want. But if I were you I would leave him Partners are supposed to make you happy not make you upset and question yourself. He doesn't deserve you and from the way he sounds from your other posts he sounds like he needs to be single until he can learn how to stop being a judgmental *ss and treat a person right. 

I said it in the last thread and I'll say it again, dump him

Ironic that you come across as a better man than he's currently capable of being. You want an adult partner not a child that you have to teach how to be a decent man. No point you being with him I think.

If you're not enjoying the relationship, end it. He sounds like dead weight to me.

Pixie your boyfriend is an idiot and so are you if you continue to stay with him.

What the hell do you want from us?  You are always posting ->-bleeped-<- about him and the things he says in an attempt to get us to side with you and put him down.  Obviously he's crap both as a human being and as a boyfriend and you obviously know that!

If you are looking for permission to leave him you have it from me and everyone else here.  Get out of the relationship and don't listen to a damn word that he says because it's nothing but rubbish.  Grab what possessions you can then turn around and walk away.  Don't be afraid to involve the police if you have too.  Give him that restraining order he wants so bad.

Find someone who you can actually relate to and who can relate to you.  There are literally millions of people out there and you will find one who can be your best friend who is both respectful and kind and male.

Taking responsibility for yourself and those who are deserving of your care is what makes a man.  Not using your fists instead of your brain.     

Edit:  I should have watched my words more carefully.  I apologize to all readers of this thread.

I post these threads because I don't understand humans or emotions. I need second (and third, and forth and so on) opinions on such things, because I tend to misinterpret stuff and such. I wanted to know that I did the right thing when dumping him, that the things he said and did really were bad, that it isn't just all in my head and I'm dumb and he does the right thing.

I'm pretty clueless about, for instance, what's okay to say and what isn't. So, I will probably make more of similar threads in the future, asking about things people do.

I'm sorry if I've bored you all by stating obvious things.

I can't get him a restraining order as he lives in another continent (romance aross the Pond). I wish he could afford a better psychologist so that he could get more mentally healthy.

My previous girlfriend was also very "broken", in fact, I was the trigger that set off her suicidalness. She has ADHD, and thusly said to me one day: "Ok, I'll be at your place in a couple of hours." We live in different parts of the country, and I hadn't told my parents about her. I said: "I'm sorry, but you can't stay here, we're having guests. So sorry." This made her feel like nobody loved her and that she really did deserve to die. So she took too much medicine while in the bathtub.
I heard from her a while ago, where she said that she was okay now. Then, nothing.
Maybe she's dead?

Maybe he'll die too. I think he will at least try it, as he has described that me leaving him would be like stabbing him in the chest, that it would be torture.

I've left him, and I hope it will be for real now. That I won't cave in to his begging.

Thank you all for your good advice!

Hey Elias, just a thing to remember for the future:

While it is nice to have a second opinion on things, just go with what makes you happy.  Even if the whole world would say, "What? That's such a dumb reason to dump someone!" it doesn't matter.  If you are unhappy, get out.

The opposite is also true.  I mean, take being trans for example.  So many people in our lives try to say, "That won't make you happy! You're wrong!"  But we know ourselves best.  Do what makes you happy no matter what other people think.

EDIT: Oh, but feel free to ask for our opinions whenever you want! :D

Quote from: pixiegirl on December 16, 2010, 12:21:23 AMHe doesn't seem to understand, or want to try to, or even care about it past how it's screwing with what he wants, when it comes to your gender issues.

You will run into alot of people like this. If you can keep them out of your life. They're toxic and just cause problems and pain.

Don't ever let yourself feel like you are the reason behind someones flaws or shortcomings. I don't care who it is; you are certainly not the reason.

I've let myself be treated like that, and sometimes still do. But it's bullsh*t, and it doesn't get better. People choose their own paths. They have to accept the responsibility for their emotions. No one is in their head but themselves.

I can tell that you know this. I know the guilt that people like this can place on a person is insane and makes you feel like the reason for everything that goes wrong in their life. YOU'RE NOT. Really. Anyone who's reasonable can understand that. It's so unhealthy for people to treat each other like that.

Elias: please, please, please end your relationship with your boyfriend.

Imagine being in a relationship with someone who recognizes and ACCEPTS your gender, loves you for who you are, and doesn't try to convince you that what you KNOW about yourself is wrong. That is possible, and you deserve it. I know that since you have AS, understanding other people's emotions can be difficult. If you saw someone treating your friend like your boyfriend treats you-- say, for example, about their sexuality (No, you CAN'T be gay, I won't accept it and REAL gay people are like this stereotype...), how would you feel? I know that I would be angry.

He says you leaving him would be like torture... but he is torturing you NOW.

Also, you are NOT responsible for what your ex-girlfriend did. She was clearly mentally ill BEFORE that incident happened, and her completely inappropriate response is proof of that.

Quote from: Michael Alexander on December 16, 2010, 06:51:16 AM
Man, do what you want. But if I were you I would leave him Partners are supposed to make you happy not make you upset and question yourself. He doesn't deserve you and from the way he sounds from your other posts he sounds like he needs to be single until he can learn how to stop being a judgmental *ss and treat a person right.

AGREE.  I wasnt happy with my ex boyfriend, yes I loved him, but he was kinda a dick, people here on suans gave me advice, saying i could do better, and they were right and now I am with the greatest guy, who is understanding and makes me way happier.  You can do better then this guy, you need someone who supports you, not makes things more difficult.

I have left him. We are not in any romantical relationship anymore, we're just friends now. That means that I will have more personal freedom and such, and I won't be his girlfriend. I like this development a lot.

I'm much happier now, it's like a heavy stone has been lifted off my chest.

Quote from: PixieBoy on December 18, 2010, 08:28:12 AM
I have left him. We are not in any romantical relationship anymore, we're just friends now. That means that I will have more personal freedom and such, and I won't be his girlfriend. I like this development a lot.

I'm much happier now, it's like a heavy stone has been lifted off my chest.

You're a guy, why would you be a girlfriend?

I won't be together with him because of that reason, because he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Also because of other reasons. He wanted me to have long hair and to wear skirts and stuff, and to wear bras and things like that, to dress girlier. But now I'm free.

He was going to beat the ->-bleeped-<- out of you at some point, sooner rather than later no doubt, everything else you said was pretty much textbook abuse and abuser behavior.  So.  BEFORE you get into the next relationship take a lot of time to figure out how you fell for this loser and how you avoid the next one finding you.

It's far more likely - by HUGE NUMBERS - that anyone who was in an abusive relationship will find themselves in another one.

Getting involved in gay relationship will not change anything either, gay men and women tend to mirror the straight world in their domestic violence statistics.

Now lose his phone numbers and email addresses and don't pick up when he rings.

let him go find a real girl as that is what he wants.

Quote from: PixieBoy on December 18, 2010, 08:28:12 AM
I have left him. We are not in any romantical relationship anymore, we're just friends now. That means that I will have more personal freedom and such, and I won't be his girlfriend. I like this development a lot.

I'm much happier now, it's like a heavy stone has been lifted off my chest.

If I was you I would cut him out of my life completely.

Quote from: Sharky on December 18, 2010, 03:29:17 PM
If I was you I would cut him out of my life completely.

I second this very strongly

I'm happier with him as a friend. Friendship is much easier to understand. You don't need sex in a friendship, you don't need kisses or hugs or such things, you don't need your friends to approve of how you dress. There is not two separate words for male and female friend, it's just one word. There is no romance and far less jealousy.
I understand friendship, and I'm not sure that I understand love beyond "that awful emotion that will throw your rational thinking down the drain and ruin a beautiful friendship". So friends is easier and better than love.

He lives in another continent. I had blocked him on MSN, and then he made a new adress and added me to his contact list. I didn't know it was him at first, so I added him under the new name. I thought that maybe he was from here or some other community, so I started talking to him. He revealed himself and made me unblock his normal adress via begging.

I think I'll still be friends with him, friends have less power over each other. If it goes bad, I'll of course cut him out completely. He only has one more chance.

I'm very used to taking on the guilt for something, like my mother's mental illness (I still blame myself for that one; if I had gotten better grades then she wouldn't be insane, if I was a proper girl she wouldn't be insane, if I was neurotypical, if I was smarter, if I was a better child...). So maybe that is why I tend to take the blame for other's illnesses.

Elias,

Oh geez. Seriously. He is trying to slowly but surely get back into your life in that toxic, harmful way. Even if it's not as a significant other. He sounds like a control freak. I'm going through something similar right now and I'm seeing the parallels and it's scary. My situation is not nearly as bad as yours was, but I see it headed the same way and it's scary. You got out of yours. You're free. Doesn't that feel liberating?

Don't give him the benefit of the doubt. Please, just cut him out entirely.

Quote from: PixieBoy on December 19, 2010, 01:16:18 PM

He lives in another continent. I had blocked him on MSN, and then he made a new adress and added me to his contact list. I didn't know it was him at first, so I added him under the new name. I thought that maybe he was from here or some other community, so I started talking to him. He revealed himself and made me unblock his normal adress via begging.
I think I'll still be friends with him, friends have less power over each other. If it goes bad, I'll of course cut him out completely. He only has one more chance.I'm very used to taking on the guilt for something, like my mother's mental illness (I still blame myself for that one; if I had gotten better grades then she wouldn't be insane, if I was a proper girl she wouldn't be insane, if I was neurotypical, if I was smarter, if I was a better child...). So maybe that is why I tend to take the blame for other's illnesses.

No one can make you start talking to them or unblock them on messenger. You blocked him. He snuck around your back and lied to you to get you to talk to him again. He is manipulative and a liar, and no one can make you talk to someone like that.

Friends do not have any power over each other. No person should have power over the other person.

This guy does not deserve any more chances. You gave him one chance and he hurt you. Strike 1. You got back together. Then he hurt you again. Strike 2. You broke up and then you blocked him from your messenger. And then he lied to you to get you to talk to him again. Strike 3.

He is bad news, and this is not a healthy friendship. You do not need friends like this, and he is not a real friend. Friendship is easier than love, but it also is founded on mutual respect and concern, which he clearly does not have for you.  A real friend doesn't have to manipulate you or lie to you to get you to be friends or talk to each other. Please cut him off entirely.

Quote from: PixieBoy on December 19, 2010, 01:16:18 PM
I had blocked him on MSN, and then he made a new adress and added me to his contact list. I didn't know it was him at first, so I added him under the new name. I thought that maybe he was from here or some other community, so I started talking to him. He revealed himself and made me unblock his normal adress via begging.

Just so you know, that is really creepy behavior.  A definite red flag.  Someone who has no problem being that dishonest, disrespectful, intrusive, and manipulative will also fail to think twice about causing you harm in more direct ways.

His problems are not your fault, and there is not much you can do to help him.  Best to cut the ties before he does something to hurt you. 

This situation sounds almost exactly like what one of my friends went through, other than the fact that she wasn't trans. What happened between her and her boyfriend? He raped her, then stalked her. She had to switch all of her classes so he couldn't find her, and now she lives in fear of what he's going to do to her.

Please, cut him off.  He just wants to continue to control you.

Your friends will get you into a hella lot more trouble than your enemies can ever dream of.

I had a few stalkers do that msn stuff. That kinda stuff had pretty much made it impossible for me to keep IM addresses for long periods of time. Sucks cause you can lose track of people you really wanna talk to, or if other people know your IM they can leak it to the people you don't want to know about it.

Best of luck with keeping stuff secure. It might take you a long time and a lot of rebuilding to finally get on with your life but you can do it.