Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello, this is kind of awkward and i am not sure if it is against the rules of the forum so excuse me if i brought it up.

My name is Pam and i had my surgery with Suporn in Thailand. it has been well over a year now and the purpose of this post is to do my part in getting my voice out there as well as weighing in the pros and cons of SRS with Suporn.

I want to start by saying that i do not regret picking suporn for my doctor, simply because i feel that quality of his work along with the EXCELLENT (really) care that i received in Thailand has so far greatly exceeded my expectations.

Pros
- EXTREMELY wonderful, caring, loving, and sweet staff that does everything for you 24/7.
- Incredible aesthetic appeal
- i have 8 inches of depth, fully sensate, (including clitorial stimulation)
- i get wet easily
- same level (in terms of intensity) orgasms
- very tight, my boyfriend has said that i was the tightest girl hes ever been with and he loves the feeling of my pussy (trust me i ask this all the time when we first started having sex- wen i was a virgin)
- i cannot stress again how incredibly satisfied i am with the appearance of my vagina, the depth, the elasticity, and most of all the ability to orgasm. it is always a win win.

Cons (based on my own experience)
- you will lose 1/2 an inch on the plane ride back (i endured a 20 hour flight back to CA...which meant a day without crucial dilation)
- if you have ANY issues, it is not easy to hop on a plane and fly back to thailand. You will have to coordinate with them via email with photos (lol) of your problems. And wait a grueling 3 days MINIMUM until youll get a response from Sophie.
- i have been having major issues with UTIs this year. I am an extremely healthy and athletic individual and i have never had medical issues (does gender dysphoria count???) until now. The uti's are not common of course, but it is enough to keep me running back and forth to the clinic going through one antibacterial medication after another. through a physical exam it has looked as though suporn might have snipped my urethra a bit TOO short and therefore making me more susceptible to acquiring UTI's especially after sex. This completely blows and has put so much strain on my sexual relationship with my bf. of course, going through countless options we finally came across a method that works for us (taking a pill right after sex every time or he has to wear a condom)...it continues to be a hassle and a paranoid feeling every time we choose to engage in anything intimate. 
- I have developed a weird smell from time to time every time we have sex. It is not always there, but on certain days it can be quite strong...and gross. I have brought up this topic to my bf and he's told me that it is a normal smell and his ex girlfriends would release that smell whenever they were having sex too. Please also know that i am a clean freak and i take very good care of my body...including douching down there and "cleaning" it. But still the smell would linger sometimes and although quite embarrassing...it has never been that big of an issue. I am not sure if it has something to do with Suporns surgery or just me.


My closing words are the same words of wisdom bestowed by older MTFs who've passed down their torch of knowledge upon me. That it doesn't matter WHAT surgeon you ultimately go for, whether it is the best in the world, or the second, or the third. Everyone is going to have a good day and a bad day. It is all in the luck of the draw. I am extremely satisfied with my result regardless of the UTI and i thank suporn for all his amazing efforts at seriously giving me a rebirth that i never thought was possible. I recommend him to anyone and everyone.
I hope i did not offend anyone with this post, i live my life in extreme stealth and it is so difficult (as i am sure you all know) hiding this from my bf whom, till this day, does not know the real me. But as promised, i know i need to let my experience be available to those future post-ops who do want to choose suporn. thanks for your time!

Had SRS with Suporn on the 22nd of November. Zero problems, everything healing perfectly. Cosmetically, it already looks fantastic, if a little 'puffy'. No UTIs yet, no bleeding, only minor pain. No necrosis, no separation, no revision required. Achieving full depth most days, so long as I dilate on schedule.
Looking forward to return to work after new years :-)

Thank you so much for your words/thread.. it's really well written and informative. I haven't heard many stories from suporn girls so it's great to read one as interesting and well balanced as this.
I'll be seeing suporn during march next year and to say I'm freaking out is an understatement, mostly because of the pain more than anything. xP
Have you looked into probiotics at all? I've heard they promote a healthier cleaner environment downstairs.

here's a thread link to a discussion ..

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,61017.msg398442.html#msg398442 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,61017.msg398442.html#msg398442)

Hi Pam....

UTI's can be a problem..... I had a bout of them a few years back....all thankfully gone now....

But a key point is your boyfriend needs to be 'treated' to....... otherwise you'll constantly gat bounce back....

And sex everyday.... is high-frequency for sure....

As an aside my CIS sister had the same problem.....short urethra's are a bane.....for sure.

You'll need to be uber -carefull on hygiene and give yourself a break from sex for 10 days or so maybe, next time yer on antibiotics?

Also some gals state that antibiotics if on them too often loose efficacy...this I used to good effect as a homeopathy cure...

http://www.waterfall-d-mannose.com/ (http://www.waterfall-d-mannose.com/)

I had 2nd stage surgery with Meltzer recently and I too live in stealth....my b/f also knows not of my atypical past....

So can relate with you on that score...

As to vaginal depth if you don't loose it you loose it might be true...but I doubt that just 24rs without dilation would make that much difference?

I went without dilation post-op 2nd stage for almost a month, but as Dr M said having had a nice functional vagina for over 18 years I was not suddenly going to loose it....lol

Good luck...

Auntie C  :angel:

Make sure to pee even just a little after dilating or sex.
This will help to flush out the urethra and reduce the risk of UTI's.

Hi Pam
Good to hear about your operation did goes well.
I had mine in the Netherlands and they also did a pretty good job coz everything is still working properly after more than a quarter of a century. But I wonder, your BF does not know your a Tgirl, aren't you afraid he will be not  too happy about it when he finds out, one way or another.
I'll hope you don't take too many risks, coz some people get crazy when they find out or hear something from others.
And, it's a small world you know.
Maybe you should talk with him to find out how he thinks about TG.
And to end positive...you're a beautifull girl on the avatar.
Take care of yourselves hon.

hugs
annette

I did not lose any depth skipping a dilation on the plane for 28 hours. As far as infections it is more a matter of hygiene . You should not have to douche, the normal bacteria does its job. I suggest you wash your boyfriend with antibiotic soap before intercourse.

Hi Pam, and group,

Thank you for posting!  I love to see the feedback from other Suporn patients.  I was a guest of Chonburi in January 2010.   I am now just about 11 months post op.   I'll followup with your comments, and put a few of my own too, so people reading this thread will get some other feedback.

I'm loving my results too!   I truly love the gift that I have been given, and so utterly happy that I went forward with the surgery.  I've been with (four?) different male partners, and each love my gift too, lol.  And none of the four notated any anomalies with my anatomy, different from any natal woman.   

The Good:

• I'm sensate too, but still a bit numb in the clitoris, but it has been getting more feeling back the last few months.   I'm still having a hard time getting orgasmic from just touch to the clitoral area, but a hitachi magic wand can do the trick in minutes. (*highly recommended  >:-) )


• The entrance up to about 1.5 inches into my vaginal canal used to be quite bumpy and a bit granulated, but has smoothed out, and feels very natural now.


• My depth has maintained at 6 inches buried, which is 7" with the Suporn measurement technique of measuring from the labia lips.   Very happy with that!  I have a partner that is 8" (and wide!), and I can receive him in his entirety without issue.


• I dilate aggressively, and am now down to 2 times a week.  My width is really good.  I think aggressive and long dilation sessions have helped me to smooth out the granulations at the vaginal opening, and also to cement my vaginal shape.  It takes little to no time to make it to depth now.


• I get wet too.  It's awesome how that happens.  I still have my partner(s) use a pea-sized dab of lube, but may experiment with not using any, and see if I can create enough slippy slide on my own.  ;) 


• For the plane ride back from Thailand, I had valium and the green/yellow pain pills, and slept like a baby.  It only took a couple dilation sessions to recover the depth from the trip, so no biggie.  I received the valium from Dr Viroj (hair transplant doc that works out of Suporn's clinic), but I imagine Dr Suporn would prescribe a few to get ya home, if you like the stuff.


• My journal here on Susans has some pictures from my trip there, with a few notes on my experiences. 
  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,309.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,309.0.html) 


• I'm also really happy about the appearance of the labia, inner and outer.  I love how you can kind of peel back the layers of lips, it's just beautiful. It's really quite natural looking, and the scars are mostly invisible.   For reference, with Dr Suporn's technique, there is a scar where the penis base used to be, just above the present location of the top of the vulva/clitoris.  It's about one inch or so vertical.  The other scars are along the crevice where the thigh hits the abdomen, to each side of the vulva. Unless I am looking, I don't notice the scars anymore, and neither does anyone else.

The Bad, and the Ugly.

I wouldn't have any bad, if it weren't for a couple things.  I'm one of the lucky draw winners, in the revision pool.  I think I heard about 15% of patients need revisions.  In my case, it's actually quite the opposite of your problem (Pam), in that I have excess urethra material, that takes the form of a mound in the middle of my vulva, just above the vaginal opening.  It's not irritated, or painful, but it's just a bit unsightly. 

My trip back is in January.  (like 3 weeks away!).  The thing is, I'm not happy that I have to do this, but I knew going in that it was possible, so I'm making the best of it.  I'm headed first to Pattaya, and doing 4 days of scuba diving and getting my PADI Open Water cert.  And since I have to stay for 10 days for the revision to 'set', and to satisfy Dr Suporn's requirement.  I've decided to go forward with a Breast augmentation.  I was on the fence, but after agonizing over it for months, have decided it is for me.  And this revision is a good time to get that completed, whilst already having downtime from work, and having the expense of flying over paid for.  Soooo, I'm not feeling bad about the revision, and will actually be quite happy after it is completed.  I'm so ready to be done with surgeries, scalpels, doctors, pain, and the lot, lol.

I'm really happy you posted here, because now, one of the concerns I will raise with Dr Suporn is not to take too much of the urethra.  I'm not even sure what the 'just right' amount is.  If the goal is to be flush with the vulva lining, or slightly indented, or slightly protruding?  Does anyone have an opinion on this?  Or just know how the urethra opening should be placed?

The other bad that I have also, is the dreaded  BV (bacterial vaginosis)  :icon_blah:.  I have struggled with it a bit as well.  I received antibiotics from my primary care doc, after a scwab confirmed my suspicions.  I never took them, I'm not a fan of taking antibiotics.  I've just gone to a routine of douching after each dilation.  It seems to keep it mostly in check.  I use a teaspoon of hydrogen peroxide in the water.  I just know if I try to control this with antibiotics, and homeopathy, it will come back.  So I'll just continue to douche until I figure out if there is a better solution for me.

I should be updating my journal whilst in Thailand this next round, so look for my musings !!!

Happy Friday!
Melan

Hi Pam.

It's wonderful to hear of your very positive experience and outcome.

On the issue of UTI. If you don't mind me asking, are you drinking enough water?

I realise it's tempting to cut back so you don't need to go quite so often. But water is really good from controlling uti. And antibiotics do tend to mess with your gut flora.

But thank you so much for posting this. It was lovely to read.

First of all thanks everyone for your kind words...and also Melan for the awesome insight!

In terms of the "smell" that develops down there i have discovered that it was due to a high dosage of estrogen. oddly enough, i was still taking the same amount of premarin as i did when i was pre-op..and upon reduction of that, the smell went away.
As for my sweet wonderful boyfriend finding out...i am not worried about it haahah. He's a vegetarian and the world's nicest guy, we do a LOT of work for the GLAAD community and we went to teh transgender parade this year. I ask him how he would feel if i told him i was TS and he said, that he would still love me unconditionally and nothing would ever change. I think the only problem he would have is if i didnt have a vagina, which thankfully...i already took care of that lol.

Melan do you know what time in january that you will be back? =]

Quote from: spacial on December 17, 2010, 12:12:48 PM
Hi Pam.

It's wonderful to hear of your very positive experience and outcome.

On the issue of UTI. If you don't mind me asking, are you drinking enough water?

I realise it's tempting to cut back so you don't need to go quite so often. But water is really good from controlling uti. And antibiotics do tend to mess with your gut flora.

But thank you so much for posting this. It was lovely to read.

actually, i do not drink ANY WATER. Ive been terrified of peeing recently so i do not drink at all. do you think it is the core reason as to why my uti's are reoccuring?

Hi Pam, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 4500 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
  
• Reputation Rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.msg146855.html#msg146855)
  

Hugs and Love,
Janet

Quote from: KillBelle on December 17, 2010, 12:17:58 PM

Melan do you know what time in january that you will be back? =]

Hi Pam,

I get into Pattaya on January 11th, and stay until the 15th, and will be at the Chon Inter until January 29th.  3 nights in the hospital, for the breast augment.  The revision would have been outpatient, but since I'll be in the hospital, they are doing it there.

*huggs*,
Melan

Quote from: KillBelle on December 17, 2010, 12:20:49 PM
actually, i do not drink ANY WATER. Ive been terrified of peeing recently so i do not drink at all. do you think it is the core reason as to why my uti's are reoccuring?

Yes, that is the reason. 100%

You must drink. Avoiding it will lead to UTI, constipation, skin problems, generl feeling of being unwell, headaches.

Drink at least 2 litres per day. Also, avoid alcohol, at least for a couple of weeks while you rehydrate yourself.

Thanks for the report you gals! It is good to hear and know about what it is like!
Pam your guy is a big guy, and you must of dialated really hard to acomidate him. Dr. Suporn must do some wonderful work! Thanks for sharing all!
Amelia

Quote from: KillBelle on December 17, 2010, 12:17:58 PM
I ask him how he would feel if i told him i was TS and he said, that he would still love me unconditionally and nothing would ever change. I think the only problem he would have is if i didnt have a vagina, which thankfully...i already took care of that lol.

Hi Pam
It could be  possible that your boyfriend suspects and he is resuring you, I tolded my boyfriend just after we got engaged, he had no idea about my history, but we had a good sexual relationship, my vagina satisfied his manly needs lol, we are now happily married since August 2010, I think men are more excepting of a girl's situation when we are post op, its called pussy power.
p

Quote from: pretty pauline on December 17, 2010, 06:09:58 PM
Hi Pam
It could be  possible that your boyfriend suspects and he is resuring you, I tolded my boyfriend just after we got engaged, he had no idea about my history, but we had a good sexual relationship, my vagina satisfied his manly needs lol, we are now happily married since August 2010, I think men are more excepting of a girl's situation when we are post op, its called pussy power.
p

It is funny that you said that because i personally have always thought that and last night he caught me lurking in this website while we were getting ready for bed. He asked me why i was looking through here and i said it was because i wanted to make more transgendered friends.

Today he got home from work and for some strange reason he bought a home pregnancy test, i asked...uhm why? His response was because we never use condoms anymore and he just wanted to make sure that i wasn't pregnant. He thought that the UTIs were side effects of pregnancy...i just laughed but took it anyway.

So that answered my question of whether or not he even suspects lmao.

That's ... odd.

I have to say I've never heard of a guy proactively buying a pregnancy test.   

I"ll echo spacial's concerns - cutting out water simply to avoid having to pee is dangerous and even when drinking other liquids can lead to kidney damage.  You need water to flush your system.  As water is absorbed through the intestine system it can also cause problems with bowel movements.

While you are a beautiful woman, a woman in your heart and your soul, your genetics are basically still male.  While I am not sure of how HRT affects the kidneys and bladder, males have a tendency to develop kidney stones more so than females.  Generally males do not develop them usually till around the age of 40, however, that is only an average.  Believe me I would have rather had a baby than the kidney stone which got stuck between my left kidney and my bladder.  UTI can also be a sign of kidney stones.

Although my mother in law was in her late 70's she died of renal failure - collapse of the kidneys. She was only drinking coffee,  juice, some diet softdrinks and a small amount of water to take her medications with.  She went into sort of a coma for four days during which they had to do dialysis.  After she regained consciousness she had to do dialysis three days a week which lasted several hours.  Eventually her system completely shut down.

If you are worried about involuntary wetting through the day try a sanitary pad or panty liner to catch minor involuntary dribbles. 

I agree with the peeing after sex, although my SO has gone before and after usually.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

Best wishes on your new life!

Brook

Quote from: KillBelle on December 17, 2010, 09:13:08 PM
Today he got home from work and for some strange reason he bought a home pregnancy test, i asked...uhm why? His response was because we never use condoms anymore and he just wanted to make sure that i wasn't pregnant. He thought that the UTIs were side effects of pregnancy...i just laughed but took it anyway.

So that answered my question of whether or not he even suspects lmao.

I dunno... if he went to that much trouble then it seems he may be trying to suss it out without asking. You obviously haven't mentioned you can't give birth? :/ I assume that if he was only worried you could be pregnant without being suspicious of your medical history then he would of just talked to you instead? hhmm :S *concerned*.

Quote from: Epigania on December 17, 2010, 09:24:57 PM
That's ... odd.

I have to say I've never heard of a guy proactively buying a pregnancy test.

You have now  ;D

really?

i have heard of a few guys buying pregnancy tests, it scares the poop out of most guys so i expect they want to know. also i would not be reading anything into it, if he thought you are trans a pregnancy test seems a vague way of going about it instead of making a comment directly

btw i not long had my Suporn vagina too 2.5 weeks ago, had to have a small revision but it looks even better and well Dr Suporn is just amazing, like his results..lots of smiley in pain but happy faces here in Chonburi

Back in the day, I had several girlfriend think they had gotten pregnant and I was the one who went out to buy the test.  But I would NEVER had went out and just randomly bought one.

It could be that he suspects something because you don't have symptoms of a period?  (No PMS, no uhm ... sanitary issues, etc?)  How long have you been with this guy?

Ive been with him for a little over a year now, we live together and share a house together. He doesnt know i am trans, hes the type where, if he knew..he would definitely have brought it up. i dont really have any red flags that would make him assume i am anything but a genetic female. he even found out about me posting on susans and it never struck him odd as to why his girlfriend is chatting on a transgendered website. He just thinks i find the concept fascinating as i tend to have a very curious nature about unconventional things.
I know him, and if he knew i was trans i would be sure that he would treat me rather differently. Even if he is accepting, it would be odd for him.

Quote from: KillBelle on December 19, 2010, 02:59:46 PM
Ive been with him for a little over a year now, we live together and share a house together. He doesnt know i am trans, hes the type where, if he knew..he would definitely have brought it up. i dont really have any red flags that would make him assume i am anything but a genetic female. he even found out about me posting on susans and it never struck him odd as to why his girlfriend is chatting on a transgendered website. He just thinks i find the concept fascinating as i tend to have a very curious nature about unconventional things.
I know him, and if he knew i was trans i would be sure that he would treat me rather differently. Even if he is accepting, it would be odd for him.

Usually its parents that live and die by "plausible denialibility".

Someone else asked it, but how is it that he's not the least bit suspicious that you don't menstruate, or that for as often as you've had sex you're not pregnant?  How long before he reads one of your posts on Susan's and your past comes out?

As long as its not slapping him in the face and he can find the least reason to deny it, he probably will.  But are you ready for him to find out not from you becuase its only a matter of time before he does...

the real question is if you have sex everyday like you said he should be aware that you are not menstruating.

so I don't see why he would be buying a pregnancy test.

unless he assumes that you aren't because you are pregnant...but still...

Quote from: regan on December 19, 2010, 03:12:09 PM
Usually its parents that live and die by "plausible denialibility".

Someone else asked it, but how is it that he's not the least bit suspicious that you don't menstruate, or that for as often as you've had sex you're not pregnant?  How long before he reads one of your posts on Susan's and your past comes out?

As long as its not slapping him in the face and he can find the least reason to deny it, he probably will.  But are you ready for him to find out not from you becuase its only a matter of time before he does...

I hate to say it, but he really is THAT clueless. He assumes that all transgendered women are kind of like the way they advertise on TV...usually really rough looking men in their 50s wearing little girls clothes and hooker makeup. It's ignorant i know but that is what he thinks when he thinks of "trannies". He assumes i menstruate because when we first met i was just a month post op so we couldnt have sex anyway, i would always tell him that i was on my period and in a lot of ways...i kinda was...you had to wear pads down there in order to prevent bleeding. Also, he is absolutely crazy about me, with his preconceived notions about transpeople...he wouldnt assume that his pretty gf might be trans (a 22 year old girl with no physical signs of maleness might be trans?!?! no way!!). Also, i dont really care about whether or not he finds out, i get my premarin in the mail and he knows i take some type of supplements every night before bed. I dont purposely hide myself from him anymore, but the pregnancy test was because he kept asking me if my period was due yet...i said no. then 3 weeks later...are u on ure period yet babe? NO. then he starts panicking and is like...baby you need to get that pregnancy test because we need to know if you are pregnant...and hed freak out about it.


THEEEN last night i was like...dude im not pregnant, trust me i am NOT pregnant. and hes still freaking out like this morning he keeps asking me if i am on my period yet or if it started because hes worried that i am pregnant. i felt bad but yeah i told him i got my period so hed leave me a lone about it. I have some guilt about not telling him yet, but i dont find it necessary. weve talked about marriage recently and i made up my mind that if one day we do choose to get married...i would tell him.

I thought you said your boyfriend was involved with GLAAD? Surely he would know what trans women are actually like, rather than perpetuating stereotypes.
Either he's really, really not very bright or something isn't adding up here.
I remember chatting to a stealth Asian girl who told me her husband didn't know. Her husband later confided in me that he did know, but chose not to bring it up, since she was obviously more comfortable with the idea of him being unaware.
My fiance knows; apart from the fact that I was pre-op when we met, he wants children, so adoption needed to be discussed once things got serious.

Quote from: CaitJ on December 19, 2010, 03:59:42 PM
I thought you said your boyfriend was involved with GLAAD? Surely he would know what trans women are actually like, rather than perpetuating stereotypes.
Either he's really, really not very bright or something isn't adding up here.
I remember chatting to a stealth Asian girl who told me her husband didn't know. Her husband later confided in me that he did know, but chose not to bring it up, since she was obviously more comfortable with the idea of him being unaware.
My fiance knows; apart from the fact that I was pre-op when we met, he wants children, so adoption needed to be discussed once things got serious.

wow ok it's nice that u can assume that hes not very bright, u must know everything about other ppl's relationships right? we may have done things for glaad but that doesnt mean all the girls we come across as TG is going to be passable or even close to 100% passable.  Like i said i dont care if he knows or not, but I have been in a relationship with him for over a year, i personally know this man better than his own parents. If he knows he would be straight up with it, hes straight up with everything i do and voices his opinion in a much harsher way sometimes than i would like...but that is who he is.

BTW  if he does know and he doesnt want to tell me, thats great, then that means hes already accepted it because he still treats me the same and hes still absolutely crazy about me.

Quote from: KillBelle on December 19, 2010, 04:39:08 PM
wow ok it's nice that u can assume that hes not very bright, u must know everything about other ppl's relationships right?

That was only one option. The other is that something isn't adding up quite right. I think the later option is more likely.
Also, if you were only a month post-op when you met, what did you do about dilation? That would be pretty difficult to hide.

KillBelle, try not to take any offense to CaitJ's post, sometimes she's a bit more direct than what people are used to.  I think it's a charming quality, personally. :)

Communication is key in relationships.  Without communication and honesty at its foundation, it's difficult to build a stable relationship.   

You mentioned in another thread about your physical relationship and the stress you to through as a Transgendered Woman.   Perhaps you should think about talking to him sooner than before a proposal.   Just a thought.   If he proposes to you and you respond with "Yes, but we should talk about something first ..." that will just confuse and hurt him more.  Not because of your history, but because you've not been honest with him sooner.   

That's just my 2 cents.  Sorry if it's not what you want to hear. 

Quote from: Epigania on December 19, 2010, 06:15:30 PM
KillBelle, try not to take any offense to CaitJ's post, sometimes she's a bit more direct than what people are used to.  I think it's a charming quality, personally. :)

Yeah, my bad. It's a New Zealander thing - we tend to be super blunt and up-front about everything. I forget I'm dealing with other nationalities sometimes.

Quote from: Epigania on December 19, 2010, 06:15:30 PM
KillBelle, try not to take any offense to CaitJ's post, sometimes she's a bit more direct than what people are used to.  I think it's a charming quality, personally. :)

Communication is key in relationships.  Without communication and honesty at its foundation, it's difficult to build a stable relationship.   

You mentioned in another thread about your physical relationship and the stress you to through as a Transgendered Woman.   Perhaps you should think about talking to him sooner than before a proposal.   Just a thought.   If he proposes to you and you respond with "Yes, but we should talk about something first ..." that will just confuse and hurt him more.  Not because of your history, but because you've not been honest with him sooner.   

That's just my 2 cents.  Sorry if it's not what you want to hear.

I won't comment on what Cait said, i can handle the truth just not straight up insults. so instead i will say that yes you are right, living trans is very difficult when you are in a relationship and the stress that comes with "hiding" yourself all the time is just way too much. I dont know how some women go stealth all their life without their husbands knowing about it, and upon thinking of it...telling a guy before he marries you might not always be the greatest idea. So i made up my mind to tell him tomorrow or at least one of these days when hes got a day off of work.

Hi Belle

that's a good thing to do, honesty is everything in a relation, it will set you free, no hiding, no excuses for periods and so on, and you said he loves you so there will be no change in his feelings except that now  he can trust you even more.
After all, you're a beautifull young woman with a bit of bad luck born in the wrong gender and he felt in love with that woman.
There is no need to go stealth for your bf.
Your whole life you where playing a role, being the man that you didn't have been, so don't change it into an other role.
you're just wonderfull the way you are and your past is a part of you, there is nothing we can do about that, nobody can change the past.
So, we are Tgirls but we can be proud because we did what we had to do to forfull our dreams and there are a lot of people who had great plans and dreams and they have done nothing with it, we are different and steadfast, isn't it?

good luck telling him

love
annette

i personally know this man better than his own parents. If he knows he would be straight up with it, hes straight up with everything i do and voices his opinion in a much harsher way sometimes than i would like...but that is who he is.

BTW  if he does know and he doesnt want to tell me, thats great, then that means hes already accepted it because he still treats me the same and hes still absolutely crazy about me.
[/quote] ??? ??? ???   By the way all of these post are public

Quote from: annette on December 20, 2010, 05:59:32 AM
Hi Belle

that's a good thing to do, honesty is everything in a relation, it will set you free, no hiding, no excuses for periods and so on, and you said he loves you so there will be no change in his feelings except that now  he can trust you even more.
After all, you're a beautifull young woman with a bit of bad luck born in the wrong gender and he felt in love with that woman.
There is no need to go stealth for your bf.
Your whole life you where playing a role, being the man that you didn't have been, so don't change it into an other role.
you're just wonderfull the way you are and your past is a part of you, there is nothing we can do about that, nobody can change the past.
So, we are Tgirls but we can be proud because we did what we had to do to forfull our dreams and there are a lot of people who had great plans and dreams and they have done nothing with it, we are different and steadfast, isn't it?

good luck telling him

love
annette

Thank you Annette, and yes i did tell him last night. Ugh, it was the hardest thing i had to do. It was worse because we were taking a bath together at the end of the night and i told him...right when he was shampooing my hair, lol. I couldnt hold it in anymore and i just said "baby im a ->-bleeped-<-". I can immediately feel the shampoo bottle drop right behind me into the water and i was like...omg ok here it comes.
He was like...WHAT?!...youre a what?! For the first 10 minutes he thought i was telling him i wanted to become a man. Then i was like...no no no...i used to be a guy. Then there was silence for 15 minutes...he didnt want to touch me, and i had to get off his lap. so i just sat on the other side of the tub staring at him...and hes trying to stare right through me and then just got up and said he needed to be alone...and grabbed a towel..WRAPPED it arond himself (yes hes never done that before)...and walked into the office. He sat there brooding until 3 in the morning, he was SUPPPPER angry that i didnt tell him before, and i was like...well if i told u i was a ->-bleeped-<- when we first met would u have wanted anything to do with me? no i did not think so. But now u got to know me for who i am, and what i am about, and you realize that i am more than just gender. blah blah blah...it went on until 7 in the morning. I tried to tell him that ive been hinting at it for all these months...the shows, the documentaries on trans life/gay marriage, the website, transamerica, the gay parade...etc. all this time he just thought i wanted to take hormones and become a man.

He ended up not going to work today and now hes out for a drive. SO now i guess we will know how he feels and what he thinks about screwing a ->-bleeped-<- all these months. Before he left though i made a slight joke and he laughed at that...so a good sign?

I think he's taking it well under the circumstances.  Don't push him but ne there for him.  You have to remember you just changed his entire paradigm of your relationship. Is say you should try to help him understand why you waited so long.  That might help.

Quote from: KillBelle on December 20, 2010, 03:30:15 PM
i just said "baby im a ->-bleeped-<-".

Ugh. Most certainly not the choice of words I'd use. That word is so loaded.
Sorry to hear that it didn't go as you hoped/planned. If he turns out to be a transphobe, better to know now that after he puts a ring on that finger.

yeah...it doesnt look too good. he came home, packed his stuff...and said hes going to be away for a while. well...there goes my hope of having a normal family life =\

Quote from: KillBelle on December 20, 2010, 05:33:59 PM
well...there goes my hope of having a normal family life =\

You're 23. Men are a dime a dozen. 'Normal' is an illusion.

P.S. Your new avatar picture looks very different to the last one.

Quote from: CaitJ on December 20, 2010, 05:37:20 PM
You're 23. Men are a dime a dozen. 'Normal' is an illusion.

I know, i meant "normal" as in something stable, consistent, predictable, simple (??)
I know having a relationship with a trans will never be any of the above, but i try to make sure i have as 'normal' of a life as i could.

but we shall see if he comes back or not...if he does then i guess he isnt a dime a dozen is he?

Quote from: KillBelle on December 20, 2010, 05:47:27 PM
I know, i meant "normal" as in something stable, consistent, predictable, simple (??)

I have all of the above. My fiance and I live in the suburbs, both have decent jobs, live pretty ordinary lives and are by no means 'complicated'.

QuoteI know having a relationship with a trans will never be any of the above, but i try to make sure i have as 'normal' of a life as i could.

Calling yourself 'a trans' might be part of that problem. Try 'a trans person' on for size.

Quote from: KillBelle on December 20, 2010, 05:33:59 PM
yeah...it doesnt look too good. he came home, packed his stuff...and said hes going to be away for a while. well...there goes my hope of having a normal family life =\

I'm sorry to hear that. As Cait said you are young, there lots of people out there.  In many ways, this is your first relationship.  Live and learn.  I just wish he could have tried to stay.

Just hang in there, hon.

Quote from: Epigania on December 20, 2010, 06:00:18 PM
I'm sorry to hear that. As Cait said you are young, there lots of people out there.  In many ways, this is your first relationship.  Live and learn.  I just wish he could have tried to stay.

Just hang in there, hon.

thank you, that means more to me than you know..

Quote from: KillBelle on December 20, 2010, 06:10:26 PM
thank you, that means more to me than you know..

In an attempt to look at the bright side of all of this, think of all the relaxing personal time you'll have for awhile not getting his beer and chips during football games!
:D

Well it sucks that it didn't work out as well as it could have... but better now maybe than when there was a lot more time invested, for both of you.

I wouldn't completely lose heart straight away though.... Give the guy a chance, it's a hell of a lot to process after all, he might be thinking it all out and not decided what to do yet.

Quote from: pixiegirl on December 20, 2010, 06:48:41 PM
Well it sucks that it didn't work out as well as it could have... but better now maybe than when there was a lot more time invested, for both of you.

I wouldn't completely lose heart straight away though.... Give the guy a chance, it's a hell of a lot to process after all, he might be thinking it all out and not decided what to do yet.

I agree.  give him a chance to process the news.  He is probably trying to figure out what to make of everything.

Quote from: KillBelle on December 20, 2010, 05:33:59 PM
yeah...it doesnt look too good. he came home, packed his stuff...and said hes going to be away for a while. well...there goes my hope of having a normal family life =\

No it doesn't.

As other have said, you just start agian. My own experience suggests it happens when you stop trying.

You did the right thing by telling him. There was nothing wrong with the words you used. But you, yourself suggested that he might not take it so well.

Life isn't going to be easy for us. But we just have to keep trying. That you've come so far as to pass completely with this guy says a lot for how far you come.

But you still have a way to go. As have the rest of us.

Take care lovely one.

Quote from: spacial on December 20, 2010, 07:54:14 PM
......

You did the right thing by telling him. .........

Yeah?? I dunno I view that as a subjective opinion. Not a factual "right".

Quote from: spacial on December 20, 2010, 07:54:14 PM
But you, yourself suggested that he might not take it so well.

Actually, she initially claimed he'd be 100% okay with it: "I ask him how he would feel if i told him i was TS and he said, that he would still love me unconditionally and nothing would ever change."
Then again, I'm not buying this whole scenario - I reserve the right to be skeptical.

KillBelle,
My heart goes out to you dear.  Are you ok?  It is tough to see him go. He may go out and get his head cleared and come back. Time will tell. I just hope you are ok?
Are you worried about him hurting you?
Amelia

This whole story is....strange  :o

Quote from: Muffin on December 20, 2010, 10:09:00 PM
Yeah?? I dunno I view that as a subjective opinion. Not a factual "right".

Possibly. Though Pam has said she was looking forward to a normal married life. She has said she would tell him before marrying.

Quote from: AnitaLife on December 20, 2010, 11:53:24 PM
This whole story is....strange  :o

I'm having flash backs of school reunions....kinda.....

QuoteThen again, I'm not buying this whole scenario - I reserve the right to be skeptical.

The Internet is full of want to be novelists.

Quote from: lisagurl on December 21, 2010, 08:26:56 AM
The Internet is full of want to be novelists.

Oh indeed. I'm reminded of Creative Writing classes back when I was 12.

Quote from: CaitJ on December 21, 2010, 01:04:23 PM
Oh indeed. I'm reminded of Creative Writing classes back when I was 12.

even though i also feel that might be the case, it might be better to just give her the benefit of the doubt.

if it is true these comments can be pretty hurtful at a time like this.

Quote from: Eve of Chaos on December 21, 2010, 01:30:21 PM
even though i also feel that might be the case, it might be better to just give her the benefit of the doubt.

if it is true these comments can be pretty hurtful at a time like this.

I agree.  Someone going through this sort of thing is hurting and these comments are hurtful. 

You may have doubts about authenticity of someone, but unless you have proof, you should keep your trap shut.  There are millions of people out there living their own lives.  It isn't our place to judge them and their circumstances.

People come here to meet others going through a similar experience, not be marginalized and accused in public.

people are going to hate, theres nothing you can do.  i just appreciate the kind words and whatever helpfulness i can get from whomever is genuine. It's been a really stressful last few days and im afraid to post any more updates because i have a feeling i will only get flamed some more.

It's sad to me that even within my own community there are people that are ready to go out of their way to hurt others...we spend so much time out in the world where we have to hide....and even within our own circle we have to hide. Oh well that is the way of life, i wish i could delete this topic but i cannot seem to do so.

Quote from: KillBelle on December 21, 2010, 02:43:00 PM
people are going to hate, theres nothing you can do.  i just appreciate the kind words and whatever helpfulness i can get from whomever is genuine. It's been a really stressful last few days and im afraid to post any more updates because i have a feeling i will only get flamed some more.

Have you considered seeing your therapist and talking to them about this? IMO it would be much more constructive and cathartic.

QuoteIt's sad to me that even within my own community there are people that are ready to go out of their way to hurt others...

I know, right?

 :police:

Ladies and Gentlemen.  First and foremost we are a support site.  And one of our sisters has had a bad breakup with her boyfriend.  It is our first job to give her support.

We are not to debate whether or not the claim is valid.  That does not matter.  What does matter is that she needs us to be supportive.

If you do n't think you can be, then just don't say anything.  Remember that what goes around, comes around.  The next time you call for support you might not get it.

:police:

KillBillie, 

I am sorry that he was not man enough to talk to you.  it is obvious that he was fine when it was a 'What If", but now it is fact and he just can't handle it.

Right it seems to me like this thread has started to go round in circles and anyway it has probably run its course. Various people, me included, seem to think that it has drifted well away from being supportive, so I am now going to lock it.

:police: Move along folks - nothing to see here.  :police: