Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, I live 3000 miles from my parents.   I told them on my last trip to my hometown about my GID and transitioning and while my dad seems to have sort of accepted it and moved on, my mom apparently completely ignored what it means that I'm Transgendered.

She sent me a christmas gift, which was awesome.   She asked me a few weeks ago what sort of stuff I would like and I told her that I would like some jewelry.  Maybe a necklace or earrings.

So what did she send me?   The most manly thick chain necklace I've ever seen.   I was so excited to get a gift from her, as I wasn't sure if I would get one this year.   But the gift itself has me on the verge of tears.

I don't know what I can do to get her to accept me.   She hasn't been argumentative or angry, she's just ignoring what I've told her about myself as if it's a phase.

I hate my life ... I'm on the verge of just dropping all associations with my family.

I'm gonna go cry now.

HUGS    lil one    know many of us have been there and we also cry with you but things will get better so hang in there   SMOOCH  :angel:

It can be easier for family when you see them often and they can witness your transition. Alot of my family is farther away but are accepting, yet I'm interested in the gifts I'll get. Many people go through the denial stage. Give it some time and continue to work with her on it.

While it sucks that she sent you something that you didn't want, at least she is still communicating with you and making some kind of an effort.
Simply send the gift back with a polite note saying something like "This gift is appropriate for a man. I am a woman and it is not appropriate. I appreciate the thought, but this is not something I will ever wear."
Perhaps she doesn't even really understand what being transgender means and presumes that you're gay or something.
In any case, it's time for another talk with her.

Quote from: CaitJ on December 23, 2010, 08:06:46 PM
While it sucks that she sent you something that you didn't want, at least she is still communicating with you and making some kind of an effort.
Simply send the gift back with a polite note saying something like "This gift is appropriate for a man. I am a woman and it is not appropriate. I appreciate the thought, but this is not something I will ever wear."
Perhaps she doesn't even really understand what being transgender means and presumes that you're gay or something.
In any case, it's time for another talk with her.

Thank you for the responses everyone.  You all are so sweet.  When we really need a friendly word from someone, you are always there.  (Well, most of the time. :P)

I actually considered sending it back to her with a note thanking her but hoping she'd understand that I'd never wear that necklace and instead of it sitting on a shelf collecting dust she should return it.  My birthday is in 4 weeks, I'm worried she's going to send something else manly.

I know my mom loves me, but she's never understood me.  She always had this vision of what she thought I should be and couldn't see me in any other light.  My entire life has been a bit of a lie, because I tried to do what would make her happy. 

Even after spending 4 hours with her talking to her about all of this, she still doesn't/won't understand me.  My step-dad, oddly, seems to understand more.  I'm surprised he didn't talk her out of the gift, actually.

My therapist told me on my last visit that I need to talk to her again about all this.  I need to make sure she doesn't put everything to the side and have her confront the reality of my future.

And as someone else mentioned, it's harder because she doesn't ever see me.  Because of that, the reality hasn't set in for her.   I think I'll need to start Skyping her weekly or something so she understands.

Sigh ... I'm still all depressed about this.  I'm 35 years old and I'm begging for the approval of my mom.  How sad is that?

Sis,

At least you still have them.  I would give almost anything to be able to tell mine.  They have been gone several years now.  Maybe you could find out where she got it from and go exchange it.

Quote from: Epigania on December 23, 2010, 10:06:09 PM
Sigh ... I'm still all depressed about this.  I'm 35 years old and I'm begging for the approval of my mom.  How sad is that?

Give her some time, this isn't an easy thing for your average hetero cis parent to get their head around.
Some parents take years to get it. My parents still refuse to acknowledge that I exist, three and a half years on from being told that I was transitioning. I don't think they will ever come to terms with it.

I suppose you are right... I shouldn't complain.   At least she acknowledges I'm alive and she's around. 

Like I told my therapist.   I don't care if my family calls me by my CISName and even calls me a male.  What I want from them is for them to acknowledge who I am and what I need to do with my life in order to try and be happy with myself and be the best I can be.   They could call me anything they want, if they could just accept and support me.

I'm sorry you guys don't have any relations with your family, I feel petty now.   I wish I could yell "Girls Night Out!" and we could all just go out and get a drink and forget our woes.  :)

Hi Epigania,

It is the time of year that we hope our parent and family love and understand us. But sadly many will not. It must be very difficult for our mothers in particular to accept our gender identity. After all she carried us, gave us our life and her love and devotion to her child. All mothers want their child to be perfect and many sacrifice everything for their child. Finding out that we are so totally different from what she knew us to be must be difficult.
My Mum could never accept Cindy. She was so vehemently anti-Cindy that I left the country. My Dad didn't really care. But to Mum I was her prized son, the person who would carry on the family name. When I told her I was female all of those dreams and aspirations were destroyed.

I know understand this. But it took a long time, and with the help of my friends here, to find an understanding.

My parents are now dead. There will never be peace. You have the opportunity for peace, maybe.

Have a wonderful Christmas and remember your other family, that totally accepts you and loves you, are just a keystroke away.

Hugs

Cindy

Quote from: Epigania on December 23, 2010, 10:57:15 PM
I'm sorry you guys don't have any relations with your family, I feel petty now.

All suffering is relative; the misery experienced by a privileged teen whose parent's won't let her go to the Justin Beiber gig is just as real and potent as the misery of the kid who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Quote from: Epigania on December 23, 2010, 10:06:09 PMI'm 35 years old and I'm begging for the approval of my mom.  How sad is that?

I'm your age and I wanted the approval of my family too. Sometimes it doesn't matter our age, we just want our family's support. Give her time and keep working with her. The Skyping might help.

It's natural to want the approval of family, even at 57, and not something to dismiss.  I was planning on telling my Mum yesterday, but regret I couldn't get the opportunity  with everything that was going on. 

Maybe you can look through fashion sites on the net and find an outfit to go with the necklace?
Then send your Mum a photo, it might help show her that regardless of her denial,  you are a woman, even wearing the jewellery.

I feel for you, my mother has pretty much been the same so far with the transition stuff. It's hard to be essentially ignored, I live with my mother right now, so it really sucks. I feel like she'll come around eventually, but not because she wants to....because she will have no choice.

~Sara

I...we...know how u feel. I told my parents two years ago and they wont accept it...I get girly shoes and shirts for any gift from them now...and im sure they notice I refuse to wear it. Praying 4 u girl!

Gifts belong to the recipient so if something is unsuitable the recipient is free to sell, trade or donate it to charity.
Personally I'd sell the male necklace for whatever I could get - and ignore loss of value! - and get a little female necklace with your female initial or full name and wear it so your mother is in no doubt of your new state and name.

You're 35 which means your mother has been exposed to the realities of TSism for perhaps 40 years so you need to give her a little nudge to connect the dots.