Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Whenever I try to remember things, before coming out or before I figured out I was trans, every things all murky. It's like I don't have any memories, except a few, because I've blocked it out or something. Can anyone else relate?

I'm the same way. I have a hard time remembering any of my past before 9th grade, but I don't know if that's connected to gender dysphoria or not.

Unfortunately so much stuff happened to me that it's impossible to forget but I know that I am appreciating and enjoying life more than I ever have before.

I'm kinda the same. I never really had a good memory to begin with, but now I can't really remember anything from before I figured out I'm trans.  I remember a few things, but the two years of severe depression that pretty much kicked off my "awakening" (I guess you'd call it) as a trans person are completely blank.  :-\

Our brains all work differently. I don't remember very many things that have happened to me in the past, but this is just how my brain works. I remember facts and information very well. Personal experiences? Fuzzy at best in remembering the how and the what, even if I acquired skills, knowledge and intuition that sticks with me, long after the memory is gone.

In general, this doesn't bother me. I can use pictures of the past or read things I've written in the past to prompt my memory if I really care. I find that not having very strong memories makes it easier to live in the present and put the past behind me.

Quote from: EliJames on December 31, 2010, 11:14:32 AM
Whenever I try to remember things, before coming out or before I figured out I was trans, every things all murky. It's like I don't have any memories, except a few, because I've blocked it out or something. Can anyone else relate?

Do you view your memories as if they happened to someone else? If so that can cause those memories to be dissociated.

I can also relate.
I can't remember much of anything really when it comes to my past, just bits and pieces. I always feel dumb because my family will be sitting around talking about past vacations and I'll have no idea what they are talking about or where we were at the time.

It's strange because before realizing I was trans, I never felt "real", I guess you could say. I just never really felt there, it's hard to explain but maybe someone else can relate to this. But I think that's why I have such trouble remembering things, because I've basically just ignored myself for more than half of my life.

I can remember all the painful points, all the eventful points, and lots of my masculine such (lots of specifics). I'm asuming there must have been little girl stuff in there at times, but I can't remember it particularily. High school is much more of a blur for me then elementary and junior high.

I have good long term memory but terrible short term memory!

I have good long term memory but terrible short term memory!

I... remember so much it's weird.  I remember when Little Mermaid was still my favourite movie, and I'd want to be a pwitty, pwitty princess.  What happened?  Oh, yeah, Batman happened.  And then I wanted to be an air force pilot.... or a pwitty, pwitty boy band member.  I often wonder what may have happened if I hadn't been introduced to certain tropes of masculinity at certain times in my life.

I can relate somewhat, but I don't think it's linked to me being trans. There are things that I feel I should remember better than I do, things I know most people remember.  As an example, I don't remember my first kiss.  Then I can remember really random stuff that I would never need to recall.

Quote from: JosephKT on December 31, 2010, 11:47:41 PM
I remember when Little Mermaid was still my favourite movie, and I'd want to be a pwitty, pwitty princess.  What happened?  Oh, yeah, Batman happened.

Have you seen the new Batman movies with Christian Bale playing Batman?  Those are so awesome.

I find this interesting. It's hard for me to remember a good portion of my childhood except for the parts of playing baseball and laser tag with the guys. I had something bad happen which made me block out a lot but even parts before and after that are fuzzy if they aren't masculine memories

Quote from: VeryGnawty on January 01, 2011, 01:04:05 AM
Have you seen the new Batman movies with Christian Bale playing Batman?  Those are so awesome.

>u<  I've watched every Batman movie from the 70's Adam West, 90's Tim Burton, and the most recent Christopher Nolan.  I have also watched, I think, every animated film from "Batman: Mask of the Phantasm," "Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker," "Batman: Gotham Knight," etc...  I own several of the animated series... and- now here's where I'm an uber nerd.  I've written essays on how Batman is the most influential and important pop culture figure in American society, coming from the realm of fiction.

i find it fascinating that so many people in this forum were able to erase away every memory of themselves as little kids to teenagers NOT doing anything that doesn't fit into their correct gender. how you're literally able to forget it because of it being painful or whatever you call it. it makes a lot of sense that someone would say they didn't feel real. in a way, you weren't before transition. you weren't your true self. i wish i couldn't remember doing anything but masculine stuff as a kid like sports, if i were good at them maybe I'd have something to remember. there's a lot that's a blur to me too so i get it. the only positives are i got to wear boy clothes sometimes, play with the cool toys instead of girly ones sometimes and at least i had short hair but other than that...not much worth remembering.

there were some traumatic memories from when I was younger I had blocked out, and in late high school (I don't know what) something triggered it all back.  It was bad enough I was in therapy for months for it.  I guess compared to that playing with Barbie was not worth the effort to block out in my head.

I just put mine down to old age and senility. Theres a fairly even spread over girl bits and boy bits that ive forgotten, i even have to look at a photo to remember what my dad looked like. i decided my brain has just got tht much junk in it its decided to push a few things out- bit like Sherlock Holmes

nope. 

Preschool is as clear as it ever was.

I have a pretty good memory for life events, but I have a history of blocking out certain traumatic events like being molested or suddenly and callously breaking up with people who were still in love with me. Some events I remember now, some I don't.

I thought I only blocked out traumatic events until I recently realized that I did the same thing in childhood with quite a few little everyday events. When I was a kid I worried that I was going crazy. At six, seven, eight, I didn't think of it as insanity, exactly--I'm not sure I had a real grasp of what that meant--but I was deeply troubled and frightened by it. So I didn't tell anyone about it.

The mind is odd. With some of those forgotten events, I was able to sort of create memories, fill in the gaps with something I made up. It made me feel less scared.

My mother also had a habit of coming into my room and removing items (like books and comic books and occasionally toys) that she considered to be inappropriate for me. I didn't realize this until I was ten and I actually caught her in the act of throwing away a book that a schoolmate had lent me. After that, I mentally blamed her for all of the little inexplicable weirdnesses, the objects that moved around in my room as if by magic, the things that disappeared, the items that were defaced. That, too, was a defense mechanism. I needed a scapegoat.

But, seriously, why would she draw pictures on the box of my favorite board game? write stuff on the bathroom mirror with toothpaste? put my watch into my toy oven instead of on the nightstand? move various other objects to different places? She was messed up, but the wasn't messed up enough to do stuff like that. So I figure it must have been me.

Quote from: Ayaname on December 31, 2010, 04:14:29 PM
Do you view your memories as if they happened to someone else? If so that can cause those memories to be dissociated.

Yea that could be it, I also was depressed from 4th - 7th grade and wasn't really conscious about what was happening around me and all I remember is how I felt or what I was thinking, not events or people. It doesn't really bother me, but sometimes it's awkward when I'm talking to people and they all remember something and I don't and I just pretend I do....
I also have a horrible short term memory, I can never remember peoples names, but I can always remember faces :/

Quote from: Arch on January 01, 2011, 01:33:03 PM
But, seriously, why would she draw pictures on the box of my favorite board game? write stuff on the bathroom mirror with toothpaste? put my watch into my toy oven instead of on the nightstand? move various other objects to different places? She was messed up, but the wasn't messed up enough to do stuff like that. So I figure it must have been me.

um.... that's just weird dude.  I don't know, it doesn't sound like something a kid would do no matter how impulsive and strange kids are.

Quote from: Alex201 on December 31, 2010, 11:28:15 PM
I have good long term memory but terrible short term memory!

I have good long term memory but terrible short term memory!

I was going to post an LOL right after reading this, but I forgot. :P

Quote from: JosephKT on January 01, 2011, 06:14:22 PM
um.... that's just weird dude.  I don't know, it doesn't sound like something a kid would do no matter how impulsive and strange kids are.

When I was six or seven, I really really wondered if there was such a thing as brownies or elves or space aliens, and they were coming into my room and moving around my stuff. It is extremely creepy to find a mysterious drawing that other people swear that you made but you are sure you didn't, or to find objects in a place you KNOW you didn't put them...

I also worried that people could read my mind and see how freakish I was. If I was around other people and found myself thinking something bad or weird, I would stop so they couldn't read my thoughts. Just in case. Just in case.

I used to think that memory repression was a load of hogwash invented by fanciful psychologists, and yet I knew that I had all of these little memory gaps. I guess I didn't want to admit that I didn't have total control over myself. And only a few repressed memories are traumatic--a lot of it was little everyday stuff. My therapist says that this can happen when people are under tremendous everyday stress. Maybe I was so busy trying to stay sane that I just didn't form certain memories?

I gather that experts are still divided on whether memory repression occurs at all. I'm still kind of skeptical about it, too, but it's hard to stay that way when I've had the experience myself.

I used to get paranoid about people reading my mind too.

Quote from: Sharky on January 02, 2011, 04:27:35 PM
I used to get paranoid about people reading my mind too.

Super paranoid. Haven't felt that way since coming out to myself/the world. Had forgot that even existed. Was quite a common feeling before then. Worried that people would see what kind of thoughts were in me and would judge me for that.

I can easily remember things before I came out. However, I only came out about a year ago, and am still not fully out. I did somehow manage to replace the gender of myself in childhood memories. lol I remember being a little boy who loved to dress up and wear makeup, but also loved playing with bugs and playing pretend cowboys lol