Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I don't know how to start this or what to say. I currently live with my mother and am part-time. I haven't came out to many people yet and that, for various reasons won't be able to happen for a few months.

Unfortunately for me I have a rather distinctive vehicle, well not really that distinctive, but anyone who knows me would see it and know it's me right away. This makes things somewhat difficult for me being part time, when I go out I'm pretty much forced to use my mothers car or take a very large chance on outting myself. There have been a few times where I've been out already and noticed a friend behind me or in traffic, but because I was in a different car they never noticed me.

My mother knows this is something I'm worried about, however she has gotten very snarky about me taking her car out, even though I always leave it with more gas than it had. I think she believes if she can prevent me from going out in her car, she can prevent me from transitioning, or at least the fear of being outted will stop me.

Tonight I said something about wanting to borrow the car in a bit and she said "Why, are you dressed up?" in a very negative and snarky tone, followed by "...you're just going to have to start using your own car for that." Minutes later she said to me "Hey, I'm going out for a while" and she was gone. My mother doesn't typically go anywhere besides work, but since I've been going out dressed, everytime I seem to need to use the car, she coincidentally has to go somewhere.

I feel like I'm being petty, but it's pretty obvious that she's doing it on purpose and it pisses me off to no end. I'm forced to take a chance on outting myself about 6 months too soon and a good chance of losing my job, or stay at home and she knows it.

I'm sorry, I'm just so angry right now and starting to cry. Plus I'm sitting here at 7pm without dinner, because there is nothing here to eat and I don't want to have to go back into guy mode to go out and get something.

~Sara

Go out and get something from the drive thru.  If someone asks about the girl using your car, tell yes she went after some food.

Is there a local bus service? Great anonymity on the bus  :)

She just got back home and the ->-bleeped-<- hit the fan.

She told me that seeing me dressed freaks her out and that's why she didn't even bother to come home last night and why she went out earlier tonight. She told me she can't handle it. She also went on to blame the end of my relationship on this (transition) and said that I'm lying by leading a double life. I also heard "What if you go out and someone beats the ->-bleeped-<- out of you and tears up my car, I can't afford to it" .... exact quite right there. Followed by "I've tried to understand, but I just don't and can't understand"

Then I was told I have to move. I don't know what I'm gonna do, this was my last option.

~Sara

I'm finding that parents have very narrow visions of what they see in their children.  When the children don't follow the vision and path the parents choose, they tend to try and influence the children in whatever way they can.

Unfortunately you live with your mom and, I'm assuming, you are dependent on her?  That's always difficult.   How old are you?  Do you have a job?  What sort of life do you think you'd live if you were on your own?

I personally think you pass perfectly from the pictures.   I haven't heard your voice, but that's trainable.   Perhaps it's an opportunity for you to be more open about yourself and just use your car?

it's beyond the car stuff now that I have to find a place to live. I'm 27 and have a job, but don't make enough to live on my own. I don't know what to do now, living there was my last option.

If it's truly your last option then you may have to slow down the presentation (in front of her anyways) until you figure it out. Perhaps find a roommate? I've temporarily had to spend time with parents around that age and it can easily turn to constant power struggles, it's so not fun. I was so glad that I had already been living on my own for awhile when I came out to my mom based on how she reacted. If I had been living with her it would have been a nightmare. Family does come around though usually, it just sucks to have to be living with them while they chill out and realize whatever they need to to be o.k. with it.

Sara-

Do you live in a city or near a large city? Is there any chance that you could find a roommate who is queer friendly? I know even in the suburbanish community I live in there is housing that is queer friendly and affordable.

Just a thought.

I am sorry your mother is being so harsh, no one deserves that.

Hugs,

Jackie

because there is nothing here to eat?   Empty larders in USA is unbeleivable.

However now you have to get out of the nest you can practice budgetting and shopping to ensure you always have food in the one-room, coldwater walk-up that will be your home for a while.

Tian't easy but the peace of mind will compensate.

Quote from: lilacwoman on January 05, 2011, 11:45:00 PM
because there is nothing here to eat?   Empty larders in USA is unbeleivable.

However now you have to get out of the nest you can practice budgetting and shopping to ensure you always have food in the one-room, coldwater walk-up that will be your home for a while.

Tian't easy but the peace of mind will compensate.

This comment is uncalled for and I find it very rude.

She sounds toxic. I think for your sake you need to get away. In the meantime, see if she will allow you to stay if you stop dressing. If she does, try to use the time to get out of there ASAP. If you dont have a local glbt center, try to find the closest one and go there. They may have resources that can help. The suggestion of finding a queer friendly roommate sounds like a good one. Do you have any friends that may help?

Two thoughts spring to mind.

Firstly, let the dust settle a bit and try to hve a more reasonable conversation. I get the impression that, by continually borrowing her car, she felt imposed upon. Perhaps it really is time to let those who know you, actually know you. Your mom as well as your friends.

Second. This is a bit of a streach, because I don't know anything of where you live. But how about advertising for a room mate who is prepared to share with a part time Transgender?

Plus I'm sitting here at 7pm without dinner, because there is nothing here to eat and I don't want to have to go back into guy mode to go out and get something.

Not exactly heartbreak territory there.

It's not like there is no food because you're in a famine situation, or there is no money, there is no food because a) mommy didn't run out and stock the house for you and b) you didn't feel like doing that either.  What?  They don't deliver pizzas where you live?  You are hungry because a) the bitch didn't get into the kitchen and make you a sammich, b) you could not be bothered to change your clothes and go out and get the stuff to make your own sammich?

I have a car, but it's my right to borrow someone else's car when it's inconvenient to use mine?  Really?  The last car I had I owned for over 10 years, in those 10 years the ONLY person who ever drove it other then my kids when I was teaching them how to drive a stick shift was my dad.  Once.  I never let my wife drive it.  Drive your own damn car.  Your mom is not being mean by using her car when you have a perfectly good one sitting there too.

You are 27 years old, time to start acting like it.

Quote from: Miss_Anthropic on January 05, 2011, 08:44:02 PM
it's beyond the car stuff now that I have to find a place to live. I'm 27 and have a job, but don't make enough to live on my own. I don't know what to do now, living there was my last option.

Im in the same boat, and I know how much it sucks...I've had to put off my transition since I moved home...im praying for u girl!

Quote from: tekla on January 06, 2011, 01:19:49 PM
Plus I'm sitting here at 7pm without dinner, because there is nothing here to eat and I don't want to have to go back into guy mode to go out and get something.

Not exactly heartbreak territory there.

It's not like there is no food because you're in a famine situation, or there is no money, there is no food because a) mommy didn't run out and stock the house for you and b) you didn't feel like doing that either.  What?  They don't deliver pizzas where you live?  You are hungry because a) the bitch didn't get into the kitchen and make you a sammich, b) you could not be bothered to change your clothes and go out and get the stuff to make your own sammich?

I have a car, but it's my right to borrow someone else's car when it's inconvenient to use mine?  Really?  The last car I had I owned for over 10 years, in those 10 years the ONLY person who ever drove it other then my kids when I was teaching them how to drive a stick shift was my dad.  Once.  I never let my wife drive it.  Drive your own damn car.  Your mom is not being mean by using her car when you have a perfectly good one sitting there too.

You are 27 years old, time to start acting like it.

Gosh so snarky and harsh...since we don't know each other in real life ..I think a bit of empathy and smoother talking is far more beneficial.  Many folks get very disphoric and depressed and the act of getting out in a car dressed in the wrong gender can be very hard and difficult.  We are a group of people all facing hurt and self doubts ... we need to be kind to each other and provide helpful hints without  be so harsh ... I personally get enough of that in the real word

A few too many personal attacks in this thread! Please be respectful of each other or it will be locked!  :police:

Z (Admin)

Quote from: Rob on January 06, 2011, 02:23:30 PM
Gosh so snarky and harsh...since we don't know each other in real life ..I think a bit of empathy and smoother talking is far more beneficial.  Many folks get very disphoric and depressed and the act of getting out in a car dressed in the wrong gender can be very hard and difficult.  We are a group of people all facing hurt and self doubts ... we need to be kind to each other and provide helpful hints without  be so harsh ... I personally get enough of that in the real word

Life doesn't always go according to plan. Sometimes we have to be flexible and adjust the plan; like go for a drive while dressed up in our car before we thought we were ready. If you are inflexible about transition you are going to find it very, very hard and you're probably going to fail.
I'll tell you a little story.
When Aunty Vexing was just a little ->-bleeped-<-, she wore a wig, had incredibly bad acne and sweated excessively. Every day when she finished work, she had to shower away her stink, scrub off her really heavy concealer and take off the sweaty itchy wig. Then, because she was a smoker and she couldn't smoke in her appartment, she had to take the lift downstairs and smoke on the street.
Because it was too much effort to get dressed again, wear the horrible wig and spend 20 minutes re-doing her heavy makeup, she would bite the bullet, put on boy clothes, and smoke in boy mode on the street. If she needed something from the 7/11 or supermarket down the road, she would go in boy mode, because it was too much damn effort to get dressed up again.
This made Aunty Vexing very dysphoric, because she was otherwise full time at work and in her social life.
But she dealt with it.

Aunt vexing: some of us can't deal with it...  :-\

Quote from: kody2011 on January 06, 2011, 03:24:28 PM
Aunt vexing: some of us can't deal with it...  :-\

Then every time you want a cigarette, you're going to have to get dressed, wear that itchy, sweaty wig and spend 20 minutes putting on your makeup.
Or give up smoking.
You always have choices - though sometimes they're not very nice.

Wow, I wasn't aware you weren't allowed to vent in the PMS Zone without being attacked, my mistake!

What is this being hung up about the food? No I don't have any food here, why? I've been making my going out for food or shopping for groceries my chance to go out in girl mode, because (a) it's really the only chance I have to do it, and  (b) it's been helping building my confidence about being out in public, something I've struggled with a lot...... these are bad reasons apparently?  ::) Can I go out in guy mode and use my own car, sure...... does that net me any progress? None whatsoever. I live in a small'ish town and have been paranoid about outing myself too soon or the chance of being seen by my boss, I would lose my job for sure, hence why I haven't wanted to use my vehicle in girl mode. Not an ideal situation, but valid enough reasons I think to ask to borrow hers.


And yes, I am 27 years old, by the way, I've supported myself and lived exclusively on my own since I was 17. This is the first time I've returned home to my mother, and the only reason that happened is because my 4 year relationship ended very abruptly and I was forced to move. I didn't ask for this and I certianly did not want to move in with my mother, she invited me here knowing full well what the deal was with my transition. I work a full time job, I pay rent here, I pay for my own food, I keep quite and clean up after myself; so I'm not just living here, not working and moocing off her like you have made it out to be.  When we first began to have a few problems, I had her come to a therapy session with me, where she said she had no problem with either my transition or me being here as long as I needed. As it turns out, this is not the case! I know it's difficut for her, I respect that and I've taken ever oppertunity to allow her to make her issues known so we can work on them or I can steer clear, until now everything was A OK according to her.

I don't plan on being here any longer than I have to, thankfully after some talking, I can stay here for a few more months, but it has been made clear to me that I can not dress or share any transition stuff with her while I'm living in this home as she wants no part of it..... this from the woman who stated in therapy last week she had no issues whatsoever with all of this.

I'm not letting this stop me, all it's done is made it clear that cutting ties with her as soon as I can is going to lead to a lot less heartache for both of us in the end. I will bide my time here, try to stay out of the house as much as possible and continue to work on saving money so this situation with her will be as temporary as possible.

That's where I stand now, would you like to pick that apart too?

~Sara

Quote from: Miss_Anthropic on January 06, 2011, 04:36:28 PM
Wow, I wasn't aware you weren't allowed to vent in the PMS Zone without being attacked, my mistake!

What is this being hung up about the food? No I don't have any food here, why? I've been making my going out for food or shopping for groceries my chance to go out in girl mode, because (a) it's really the only chance I have to do it, and  (b) it's been helping building my confidence about being out in public, something I've struggled with a lot...... these are bad reasons apparently?  ::) Can I go out in guy mode and use my own car, sure...... does that net me any progress? None whatsoever. I live in a small'ish town and have been paranoid about outing myself too soon or the chance of being seen by my boss, I would lose my job for sure, hence why I haven't wanted to use my vehicle in girl mode. Not an ideal situation, but valid enough reasons I think to ask to borrow hers.


And yes, I am 27 years old, by the way, I've supported myself and lived exclusively on my own since I was 17. This is the first time I've returned home to my mother, and the only reason that happened is because my 4 year relationship ended very abruptly and I was forced to move. I didn't ask for this and I certianly did not want to move in with my mother, she invited me her knowing full well what the deal was with my transition. I work a full time job, I pay rent here, I pay for my own food, I keep quite and clean up after myself; so I'm not just living here, not working and moocing off her like you have made it out to be.  When we first began to have a few problems, I had her come to a therapy session with me, where she said she had no problem with either my transition or me being here as long as I needed. As it turns out, this is not the case!

I don't plan on being here any longer than I have to, thankfully after some talking, I can stay here for a few more months, but it has been made clear to me that I can not dress or share any transition stuff with her while I'm living in this home as she wants no part of it..... the woman who stated in therapy last week she had no issues whatsoever with all of this.

I'm not letting this stop me, all it's done is made it clear that cutting ties with her as soon as I can is going to lead to a lot less heartache for both of us in the end. I will bide my time her, try to stay out of the house as much as possible and continue to work on saving money so this situation with her will be as temporary as possible.

That's where I stand now, would you like to pick that apart too?

~Sara

Sara,

I think that your plan is fine. You obviously know your boundries, and that is something that other people struggle with. You need to set your comfort zone, and then work to expand it. I do hope that things look up for you, and again, not knowing what part of the country (if you are in the US?) you are in it's hard to give advice insofar as how trans-friendly the area is that you are living in. I know Craigslist can be a great way to find housing and you can look for a transfriendly roommate anonymously.  :)

Best of luck, and keep your head up!

Hugs,

Jackie

PS. You are looking faaaabulous!  ;D

Thanks Jackie, wish I looked as great as you!

I live in the Blue Ridge Mountians of Virginia. Not exactly the best place to find a trans friendly roomie, I haven't had great success with roomies in the past anyhow, they're always so messy! I have been scouring Craigslist, maybe I'll get lucky and something will pop up, but I'm not going to put myself in a situation that's worse than the one I'm already in.

I have no issues with moving and once I'm ready to go full-time I will, but as of right now I just don't have the funds to nail down a place of my own somewhere and be able to sustain until I find work, the job situation is pretty terrible in VA, NC (most likely place I'd go). Sorta stuck at the moment  :-\

~Sara

:icon_redface: :icon_redface: Awww, thanks Sara, I think your gorgeous though!

What is it that you do exactly? Would it be feasible/would it be something you would actually consider/enjoy to move to a city? You're not crazy far from DC, Philadelphia, or NYC which are all a bit more transfriendly than I could see that area being.

Quote from: Miss_Anthropic on January 06, 2011, 04:36:28 PM

That's where I stand now, would you like to pick that apart too?

~Sara

*Prod, poke* Nope, seems pretty unpickable  :D
I do have a serious question though: what if your mom didn't have a car, or her car was damaged beyond repair?

Sara-

U go girl!! That's standing up for urself!

Quote from: Jacquelyn on January 06, 2011, 04:54:17 PM
:icon_redface: :icon_redface: Awww, thanks Sara, I think your gorgeous though!

What is it that you do exactly? Would it be feasible/would it be something you would actually consider/enjoy to move to a city? You're not crazy far from DC, Philadelphia, or NYC which are all a bit more transfriendly than I could see that area being.

This going to sound weird, but I actually make false teeth/dentures and orthodontic appliances, been doing it for 8? years now. I actually work at the same place as my mother (I was there first, so don't start the "she got you a job too?!"), which makes this situation a little more difficult. I love DC and have spent a fair amount of time in the area, but it is soo expensive and the job market up there is so demanding, I honestly don't think it would be possible for me to find work, but you never know.... I should put some apps. in up that way. Not sure about Philly or NYC.

One area I frequent fairly often and have seriously considered is Greensboro, NC, which I like a lot and I've always heard was very trans-friendly.... how much truth is in that, I don't know. One thing that holds me back on moving, is I'd really rather move after I go full time and can start fresh, not looking foward to starting a new job and coming out shortly after I start. Who knows though, if the situation calls for it, I can deal.
 

Quote from: Vexing on January 06, 2011, 05:03:28 PM
*Prod, poke* Nope, seems pretty unpickable  :D
I do have a serious question though: what if your mom didn't have a car, or her car was damaged beyond repair?

Honestly, I'd just be more choosy about when I'd go out, I'd go out later and likely only do stuff in the next town over (30min away) where no one knows me. It wouldn't stop me from going out; being able to use a car that blends in merely lowers the chances of an accidental outing and makes things much more convient. My mother tried to say "Well, you're just ashamed of this, you should be" and that is not it at all, she doesn't understand the coming out process at all, and thinks all you can do is blurt it out and see what happens.

She doesn't understand how I could be passable and thinks I'm a freak, I'm sure she's trying to protect me in her own weird way, but I feel like that is secondary to her trying to look out for her own interests.... mother of a ->-bleeped-<-, gasp! This from the same woman who proudly proclaims every chance she can that we had a live-in lesbian friend/baby sitter when my sister and I were young and how her cousin was gay. Like the quietly racist "I have plenty of black friends" person......  ::)

She didn't come home this evening and hasn't spoken to me today other than for a few minutes to bitch me out because my sister rode by and saw the police here this morning, checking in on me (friends were sure I was going to commit suicide, good call on their part....) btw, if you have painted toe nails and present as a guy, cops spot it right away!   ;D

~Sara

You are so pretty Sara. Never doubt your ability to pass. Your mom is more fearful about how this will reflect on her and she is blinded by her preconception of you as a boy.

I am concerned at your intimation that you were suicidal today? Please don't go there. Talk to your friends in RL and here on Susan's or talk to your therapist, but don't give up. You have a bright future.

Thanks Melody, btw you look fantastic in your new avatar, no way the age on your profile is correct!

The night all of this went down I was very suicidal, I haven't been in quite a while..... but the feeling of everything I've been working for being ripped away and my mothers rejection was more than I could take. I tried to talk to the few friends who know me in RL and they either didn't get it, or in the case of my ex-gf.... completely ignored me. I did talk to a few friends from here and if it weren't for them, I don't think I would've came thru this, thank you to those girls.... you know who you are. ;)

One of the only close friends I have in RL, who doesn't know about all of this was the one who actually came to check on me and when he got no answer called the cops. I had dinner with him last night and hung out with him and his wife nad he told me if I need a place to stay or anything, just let him know. He's kinda politically conservative, I really hope he will accept my transition when the time comes, because he's been a true friend.

I won't go into detals, but as I was in the process of checking out I became very angry for some reason. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, the CO2 working on my brain or something more, but I realized just how close I am to the end of this struggle. There is no way I'm going to let this haggard and bitter woman take this life away from me by projecting her own issues, frustrations and unrealized dreams onto me. She's 52 years old, renting a tiny house, driving a crappy car, working a mediocre job..... what right does she have to judge or impose her will onto me? I haven't been a model child, but I don't deserve to be her punching bag because she's angry she's nearing the end of the race in last place.

That's how I feel about things right now, how dare her?!

We were on speaking terms earlier today but we didn't talk about anything of substance, I have no idea if she's coming home tonight either. I'm not holding a grudge against her, that just isn't how I work and I don't really take much of what she said personally, just her own problems she'd like to make me believe are mine. That said, until she shows me she can add something of value to my life, I have no reason to include her in it; the door will be open, but I'm not begging her to come in.

~Sara

Do you have a therapist or counsellor?
I strongly recommend you go see one, asap.

Two things:  Most important:  Melody looks lovely.  Unimportant: we had snow today when I was discharged from hospital so no taxis or busses to get me home so nothing fo rit but tow walk 2 miles into town to get train to get home then snow in my town so no taxis or buses again so I walked two miles up to doctors to get urgent prescription then another mile up to chemists shop to get it and then walked through the snow in my medium heels and when I get in my apartment and try to decide what my sore chin will let me eat a quick inventory shows enough food to last a month minimum including about 6 packets of long grain rice which lasts practically forever and is base of many meals.
If I and some other posters seem a little impatient about the shabby excuses some posters us its because these posters don't want to walk the miles in our shoes to get nicely transitioned.

Quote from: Vexing on January 07, 2011, 01:28:33 PM
Do you have a therapist or counsellor?
I strongly recommend you go see one, asap.

Why, do I seem cRaZy??  :P


Anyway, I do have a therapist and I've spoken to him several times over the past few days. He was completely blown away by the things that have gone on with my mother because her current stance is so diametrically opposed from every word she said in the session she came to. I'm on stable footing now and he had pretty much the same views I have about her and her current state.


As for excuses, I wasn't throwing out some BS excuse about why my life is so horrible with the car/food situation, it was a minor frustration.... nothing more and last I checked, this is the proper area of the form to vent such things without having to be afraid of being attacked for saying exactly what's going thru your mind.

Ya know, I can understand the being impatient with some posters, I've been frustrated by some of those who post a new thread every day with the same endless tales of woe, and when they're given advice or options it's always "but this......but that...... I can't because...." I truly understand the frustration there. As far as I remember though.... I haven't done that here......have I? (goes back to check posts)

I dunno, I always politely say my piece once or twice and if it doesn't get thru I walk away; has worked better for me than belittling and sticking around to start a fight..... it's just not worth it to me. As someone once said, if it's not fun, it's not making you money or getting you laid.... why do it?

I don't buy into the "walk a mile in my shoes" philosophy either, I hope everyones transition goes smoothly, their parents are accepting and they get past this and blend in great. Why would you want someone else to go thru the wringer just because you had to? That seems incredibily petty to me. If transition isn't a constant struggle, have you not earned it?  Does not compute.....

~Sara

Quote from: Miss_Anthropic on January 07, 2011, 02:23:12 PM
Why, do I seem cRaZy??  :P

Being suicidal and trying to gas yourself is generally considered a bad sign.
You know that though, yeah?  :)

Thank you for the compliments ladies.

Sara, oh yes, looking at the big 40 in just about a month, but I will take the compliment!

I am so glad you seem to have faced down a rather large demon and come out fighting on the other side. You sounded a bit defeated before, but now you sound like you are ready to take on all comers and I think that it will serve you well in your battles with your mother.

Interestingly enough, I am in not a dissimilar situation. I will be moving in with my mom in a little over a week.. I told her about the photos I posted yesterday, one of which is my avatar (you can see my other ones, including a "before" pic here https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,90021.msg653354.html#msg653354 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,90021.msg653354.html#msg653354)). I asked her to take a look and she gave me the "oh, my son, you are continuing with that crazy thing" (sounds different in spanish). My sister showed her the pics and she apparently didn't say a word. I don't relish presenting as female in front of her and I will be doing my best to get my ass to NYC as soon as I can get my head together and go full time. Hopefully, that won't be too long!

Quote from: Vexing on January 07, 2011, 03:10:15 PM
Being suicidal and trying to gas yourself is generally considered a bad sign.
You know that though, yeah?  :)

Oh yeah, I know, I've dealt with those demons before, I've been in therapy and on meds for quite some time now. I think I've got a valid excuse for stumbling this time around. Having trouble coping with rejection from the only person you thought was on your side and the only person you've ever wanted validation from is a tough pill to swallow and a tad different than crazy.

~Sara

Quote from: Miss_Anthropic on January 07, 2011, 04:12:46 PM
Oh yeah, I know, I've dealt with those demons before, I've been in therapy and on meds for quite some time now. I think I've got a valid excuse for stumbling this time around. Having trouble coping with rejection from the only person you thought was on your side and the only person you've ever wanted validation from is a tough pill to swallow and a tad different than crazy.

~Sara

Sometimes it's easier when no-one is on your side. There's no rejection that way  :-\
But everyone deals with rejection, trans or cis. Just something you gotta find coping mechanisms for.

Ain't that the truth! I'm working on it, some days are better than others! :)

Quote from: Miss_Anthropic on January 07, 2011, 04:48:27 PM
Ain't that the truth! I'm working on it, some days are better than others! :)

I hope it's all better days for you from now on  :)

It can certainly get very hard to see beyond the next day,  I too have dealt with difficult times with my parents showing all the support,  going with to sessions and being there keeping in touch, to complete strangers.  It seems the only way some people deal with it is by detaching themselves from the situation "It's your life, I m not going to support that 'so I will show you'  by abandonment " removing themselves out of the equation.  Little do they realize it causes so much unnecessary pain.  It really hurts .  I think my parents are embarrassed, and truly care what other people think more than there own flesh and blood.  It might be really difficult taking these steps but do it for yourself on your own terms and no one elses.  Stick it out until you get a plan and live your life in how you need to.  We go on and grow and get stronger!

I guess I have a little update. I spoke to my mother for a few minutes night before last, the first time we've really spoken since this all went down. She hadn't made any effort in talking to me, so I got it started; I pretty much told her how much all the things she said had hurt me and how no matter what she does or says is going to prevent this from happening.

She admited that some of it came at me out of frustration about other things going on in life (mostly bills and my drug addict sister), she doesn't really get that just because you've got other things going on in life that isn't a valid excuse to take it out on someone who did nothing. She also stated that she is weirded out by this and can't handle seeing me as Sara (the name she still doesn't know); I asked her why and she said she didn't know.

I haven't been en femme since the night everything originally happened, I haven't even wore my hair down..... trying to be respectful but it's slowly killing me. We're still not interacting much, in a few weeks I'm going to try to get her in to another therapy session with me so she can figure out why this bothers her and hopefully come up with a plan for her getting past it.

Stressful..... but not on the streets yet.

~Sara