Susan's Place Transgender Resources

my darling son came to me a few days ago and finally told me something he has wanted to tell me for a long time but was too scared in case i never spoke to him again...i thought all sorts of bad thing even though he has never been bad and then he eventually told me he wants to be a girl, hes in his 20s
i dont know how long hes been feeling like this but he has been taking hormones for quite a while.
i love him more than life itself and all i want is for him to be happy.
i have so many questions and have no idea where to get the answers, i want to be as supportive as possible towards him
looking back im sure this is something hes felt for a very long time but has kept well hid
please everyone out there support your loved one, it takes some strength to admit something like this
im trying my best to get all the info i can so i can be there but i must be thick because im struggling to find all the info about whats involved, whats available on the nhs etc
can anyone point me in the right direction

thank you all so much

mum of 4 xx

Welcome aboard.
it is delightful that you are seeking to help you daughter. Highly comendable.

I do not know anything about the NHS as I am not a citizen of your nation, but I am sure someone will be around soon enough that knows.

If you would suport your child I would personaly sugest starting to use the female pronouns when you speak of your son daughter.

I would sugest posting an introduction here in the introductions forum....
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html)

You will be more likely to get some resposes.

Hi mumof4.

It great to see you here. This is the place to get support and information.

As for the NHS, there are a number of people here who have used it to get the help they need. Views vary, but you wil now the NHS is a bit of a mixed bag.

thank you so much for pointing that out to me cynthialee.
i have already pre apologised to her if i call her son etc for now and explained its only a habit and never meant to hurt or offend her.
im the only family member who knows for now and have said when she is ready i will tell the rest of the family if she wants me too, although i am very sure everyone will be supportive.
although i am ok with it all it was a shock and i keep wondering did i do something wrong, was it my fault in any way, (i know this isnt true but unfortunately being a mum you think these things)
one question that it playing on my mind is that even as a new born people said what a beautiful girl i had and i was for a long time saying " its a boy" and i wonder if its gone back that far for her and she just hasnt either said or realised. although she is a very tall broad person with big feet, which i hope doesnt hinder or cause her any problems when she takes the step to live as a girl
i am so confused and worried as she is so sensitive and i know people can be so cruel, what bits of info i have found online (not on here) has said how high the suicide/ attempted suicide rate is and i couldnt bear her to feel that desperate
she lives so far away from me and i see so little of her, i just want to bring her home and protect her but i cant she has a life, job and girlfriend

thank you spacial
i am so relieved to find this site so i can get the help and advice i need to be the best support possible to her

The evidence points to transsexuality as being something that happens in the womb.
It is just a quirk of hormones.
You have no fault here. In fact there is no fault to be had. It was natures choice she was born in a male body. Some of us consider it to be a blessed curse. (I am among those who feel this way.) Although I would not wish this on my worst enemy the insight into the human condition that comes with being trans almost makes up for the hell.

Hi Mumof4

Welcome to Susan's and thank you for being very supportive of your daughter.  In your post you mentioned this:

Quote from: mumof4 on January 11, 2011, 07:31:27 PM
i keep wondering did i do something wrong, was it my fault in any way, (i know this isnt true but unfortunately being a mum you think these things)

You are right you did not do anything wrong, ever.

Quote from: mumof4 on January 11, 2011, 07:31:27 PM
one question that it playing on my mind is that even as a new born people said what a beautiful girl i had and i was for a long time saying " its a boy" and i wonder if its gone back that far for her and she just hasnt either said or realised.

Our gender identification is innate and cannot be changed, so anything you said or did  would not change ones gender.  As Cynthialee has mentioned, our gender is determined by hormones while in the womb and this is the current theory in this regard.

Quote from: mumof4 on January 11, 2011, 07:31:27 PM
although she is a very tall broad person with big feet, which i hope doesnt hinder or cause her any problems when she takes the step to live as a girl

There are a lot of tall females here and they can help you and your daughter with any help you need.

Quote from: mumof4 on January 11, 2011, 07:31:27 PM
i am so confused and worried as she is so sensitive and i know people can be so cruel, what bits of info i have found online (not on here) has said how high the suicide/ attempted suicide rate is and i couldnt bear her to feel that desperate
she lives so far away from me and i see so little of her, i just want to bring her home and protect her but i cant she has a life, job and girlfriend.

It is normal to be confused and worried, you are a mother, who cares for her daughter, yes its not going to be easy there will be ups and downs, yes suicide is high among transgendered people, but being there for your daughter, will help her immensely and if she has a circle of friends who know, care and are supportive she will do well.

Although I'm English by birth (I live in another country), I'm not overly familiar with the intimate working details of the NHS.  I will leave it up to you to find out how helpful the NHS is, in regards to transgender people.  If you click on the following link which discusses the NHS, "The NHS route in UK" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,90632.msg655516.html#msg655516).  This topic will help your daughter no end.

Take a deep breath, there are other mums in England and across the world that have gone online and talked about their children who have come out.  So you are not the only one.  If you want I can give you a couple of links that will help you there.

Take care and when you talk to your daughter next time just say you love her, no matter what and of course, when do you want to go shopping?  She will like that, I hope!

Kindest regards
Sarah B

Welcome to Susan's! As a non-trans person it can be somewhat confusing to understand the difficulties and changes that our loved ones face. However, you have come to the right place! Susan's is full of loving and knowledgeable people who will gladly answer your questions honestly and with care.

I am glad to hear that you are accepting of your daughter and that you are working to educate yourself and be there for her.

Welcome again, and best of luck!

Hugs,

Jacquelyn

Dear Mum of 4,
I am new here too, and I am also a "mum" of 4, though my kids (ages 19-30) usually call me Mom or Momma. I am partnered to a MTF transsexual who has been in the process of transitioning for the last year. We faced the condition beginning about 2 years ago when we began to read and study in earnest. I am supportive and I wish to commend you for your lovingkindness and support of your child's difficult (but inspiring!) fate.

Reading really helped me to understand a lot. The first book I would like to recommend to you is called: True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism for Families, Friends, Coworkers and Helping Professionals by Mildred Brown. It is a very good overview by a non-trans person with a lot of compassion. I have ead a lot of otrher books but I won't overwhelm you with recommendations at this point. Another tip I will share from early on in my own "transition" was to use a journal. In the journalling process, I not only was able to express any feelings that were coming up, but I was able to PRACTICE using the correct pronouns because as I wrote I had time to think.

Meeting other trans people is also a great way to begin to be more comfortable with the whole experience. I have been to 3 conventions this past year and many support group meetings. I belong to another web site just for spouses. Do you know about PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays - and now transgendered)?

Has your daughter come out to her partner yet? If you have a relationship with her, you may be able to help her adjust as well. I know it is hard for parents, but it is probably even harder for spouse, since it messes with our own identity issues significantly. Remember that feelings related to grief are natural and to be respected. A gender therapist can help with these, for you and other family members as needed.

So, that's it for now. Hugs to you.
And blessings on you and yours.
Ruby

Welcome to Susan's Mumof4!

This site is full of loving, welcoming, and extremely helpful people.
Being the significant other of a FTM man this site has been great for me to find information and the comfort I've needed.

So, again, welcome and I look forward to getting to know you better, seeing your journey, and watching you grow, and the relationship between you and your daughter. :)

Welcome mumof4

There are allot of wonderfully supportive people and great information here

I applaud you for being supportive and endeavoring to learn more

*HUGS*

You and your daughter are on a journey into what for you is unknown.  But you have come to the right place to begin your travels.  We long ago gave up the rack to correct people for pronoun errors.   :o ;D

It will take time for it all to become second nature to you, after all it has been more than 20 years for 'he,'him' and 'male name',  As long as you are trying and helping others, who know about her transition, make the correct pronouns and using her new name.

You are a guiding light for other parents to follow, loving your child no matter what.

thank you everyone so much, i cant believe its only been a couple of days i have known but i am getting so much help and advice for my darling child
i wake up wondering if it was all a dream but then i realise its not and i feel sad for all the stress and worry she has been through up to now and all that is to come but all i can do is be there as and when im needed
shes lucky her girlfriend is supportive (although she doesnt want her to go all the way and have male bits removed) but im sure thats something only she can decide
hugs and love to you all xxxx

Welcome to Susan's, Mumof4.

Your daughter is lucky to have a mother like you.
You don't have to look very far here to find parents that are not so accepting.

As mentioned above, this is a good general book:

True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism: For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals (1996) - Mildred L. Brown * Amazon (UK) (http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0787967025) * Amazon (US) (http://www.amazon.com/dp/0787967025) * WorldCat (http://www.worldcat.org/oclc/51437864)

This other book is readable online:

Mom, I Need To Be a Girl (1998) - Evelyn D. Lindenmuth * Amazon (UK) (http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1419684388) * Amazon (US) (http://www.amazon.com/dp/1419684388) * WorldCat (http://www.worldcat.org/oclc/40606207) * Online (http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/Evelyn/Evelyn.html)

mumof4

Something that you mentioned earlier and was addressed by cynthialee, has got me thinking.

I do hope you don't mind if I volunteer some things.

Parents, quite naturally, want to give their children the best start. They try to teach them the things they need to know, consideration, not to steal, not to be rude and so on.

Most parents try to teach their children to avoid what might be gender inappropriate behaviour. They imagine their children, perhaps being teased.

I'm sure you will agree, it would be competely wrong for any parent, seeing their son is a bit sensitive or their daughter is a bit of a tom boy, to assume they are transgender.

Our individual realisation of what we are, has come quite naturally to most of us. It has been termed, on these pages, a self diagnosis. There are no tests, no outward signs to speak of. We just know.

We ran a poll here recently, asking when we each, first realised something was wrong. There were separate polls for gmales and gfemales. (g = genetic. The gender we were assigned at birth). Most realised it under 6 years.

Now this is important. Under 6 years, few, if any, will have reached pubitry. Few of us have any conception of sexuality. What we discoverd about ourselves was not sexual, it was gender.

Many people here have described how they so much wanted to play with children of the opposite sex. Some became isolated and lonely, while others tried put their personal feelings aside.

But in almost every case, that realisation that something is wrong never went away.

What I'm trying to say to you is, pleased don't start thinking that you should have known earlier. How could you? It isn't exactly common.

You child could have told you earlier, but you know that couldn't happen. Again, pleased don't feel that that is any reflection upon you. We live in society and we raise our children to fit into a norm. For most that is fine. Our situation is, thankfully, rare.

What you should see as a reflection upon you and upon your child, your daughter, is that she has the strength of character to come to her mum with this big problem. And you have responded as a loving mum.

thanks again everyone im finding this all so helpful
and to spacial thank you again for your advice i welcome it and try to absorb all of it but it will take time.
luckily i dont see this as a big problem, im so glad it happened to me who loves my children unconditionally and dont care about anything other than they have the best lives possible and that they live life in a honest and respectful way. i am wondering how complicated it could be telling her little brother, hes only 4 and i dont want to confuse him but im sure he will accept it better than most when the time comes to tell him

The younger the child the easier the assimilate to the concept of transgender.
It is't until we age some and soak up societies bigotry.

Your 4 year old will likely accept his sister more rapidly than anyone else will.

Hi Mum,

You will be surprised how all knowing, all accepting the little ones are.  If you just explain to him that his big "Brother" is now his big "Sister" and her name will be "girlname".  His response might be, "OK Mommy.  Can I go play now?"

just been told she is going to see dr andrew davies at charing cross does anyone have any advice or personal experience of this doctor/ clinic
thanks again all you lovely people xxx

Not of this doctor, but as regards NHS treatment charing cross has been a center of excellence in this specialism since the days of John Randall who treated me back in 1976.

The NHS route is perfectly competent and does eventually deliver. The only thing which most people would observe is that it does sometimes seem to grind along quite slowly. Even back in the late 70's and early 80's the waiting list for surgery could be quite long and for this reason many of us do prefer to opt for private treatment.

Ironically those of us who go private often end up seeing the exact same doctors so providing things seem to be moving along at a sensible speed and the PCT doesn't start being awkward over funding I would say no problem.

I can't speak with definitive authority about the psychiatric team because I only saw Randall in the 70's and then I had one other appointment in the mid 80's to get my surgical referral.

Even as a fully private patient, when I opted for a little cosmetic "update" last year, 25 years after my original op, I chose to be operated on by the team at Charing Cross, and I have nothing but priase for them. Their surgical skills are world class.

Quote from: mumof4 on January 12, 2011, 03:31:15 PM
just been told she is going to see dr andrew davies at charing cross does anyone have any advice or personal experience of this doctor/ clinic
thanks again all you lovely people xxx

I found this. It's another forum. Hopefully the mods hre won't mind.

http://community.livejournal.com/tguk/164400.html (http://community.livejournal.com/tguk/164400.html)

Before you read it, I will caution you that, quite often, you only hear complaints because those are the only people who post on those sort of forums.

I will also presume to offer you two pieces of advice.

Make sure your unconditional support is known. You are the mother. You know your daughter better than anyone.

Most importantly, obsticles are sometimes put in your way, just to check your resolve. Never give up, Never lose sight of what you are seeking to achieve. Never lose faith in yourselves or your belief in what you want. And Never Give Up.