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Title: "New" FTM, in need of your wisdom
Post by: Wraith on January 24, 2011, 12:27:17 AM
Post by: Wraith on January 24, 2011, 12:27:17 AM
Hey all, been reading here from time to time along with many other forums and blogs on gender topics for a couple of years, but this will be the first time I ever participate on such a forum. This seemed a nice place to give it a go.
I'm 25 and came out as a transsexual last summer. All my life I'd been afraid of loosing my family if I did, but they've taken it pretty good. They have a lot of trouble understanding any of this, but they try to accept it and support me.
What I was even more terrified of, was loosing my boyfriend who I've been together with for about 3 years now. I feel very guilty about having to put him through all this, because we met shortly after I had been through a severe depression and was very close to coming out and seeking a therapist, but I had only dived back into the depths of the closet and tried to keep living in denial. I feel like a total jerk and that all of his pain could have been avoided if I had been honest with both myself and him from the start.
I've always known I'm really a guy, but I lived fully as a female for many years, I had actually worked very hard to "pass" as a female(since I was 15), which may seem odd since I'm born female, and it was easy for me to look attractive as such if I blocked all my feelings about it. To "make a woman" of myself was partly self-punishment and partly a way to try to supress anything about ever having felt like a guy.
I have quite severe body dysphoria, but for most of my life this still didn't make me feel "worthy" of getting help to transition, because when I was younger I thought(since I knew I'd be a gay boy) that I HAD to be happy with the body I had, and that transsexuals had to be a certain way and actually fill a certain stereotypical gender role in order to get any help. And I was terrified of what it would mean for my life if I came out as a transsexual and gay.
As I got older I realised that a lot of this was just my misconceptions, and that I didn't have to fulfill the criteria of some sort of stereotype at all, but still - shame and fear brought me down various weird and destructive paths in my life instead, and I'm still trying to recover emotionally.
I fully accepted that I'm gay 3-4 years ago, but I still couldn't accept being in need of transition. I knew I wanted it, I had dreamt of it since I was 11(when I first learned it was possible), but actually accepting that I do need it and that this feeling isn't something I can control - that took time. Last summer I broke down and got suicidal, and that's when I asked myself: "what if I DON'T seek help? what if I just push this away again and keep living a lie? what if I actually never get to live as a male?".. I had never experienced anything so frightening. I couldn't see myself living any more. I had been suicidal before, yes, but this was different, this was - I can't even imagine a future, as if there was just nothing there.
The thing that tortures me the most now is what will happen with my relationship. My boyfriend is someone I'd really want to spend the rest of my life with, we have a very good and deep relationship, but I can't see myself keep living as a female. I don't want to keep going through this neverending gender dysphoria.
He knows since summer about me being transsexual, and he does his best to support me although he doesn't like it. He says he wants to try staying as a couple even after I start HRT - but to take it a day at a time. He's very straight, and I truly cannot see how he'd be able to keep me as a boyfriend, even though he tries to tell me that it's fine if I get a male body and even lower surgery. He did ask me a couple weeks ago if I wanted to be his boyfriend, as if asking for the first time, and it made me really happy, but I still can't see it happening.
How do I handle this? I'm sure many of you have been/are in this situation. I feel like whatever I choose to do - I will loose something else that means the world to me. I should be thankful that he actually is so supportive, he could have reacted much worse, but this fact only reinforces my love for him and makes it a lot more painful.
I've been seeing a psychologist since august, and done many changes for the better in my life and I just generally feel a bit more comfortable, but some things I don't dare to talk to him about, such as how scared I really am of loosing my boyfriend due to transition.
Sorry it was so long, cheers if you made it through!
I'm 25 and came out as a transsexual last summer. All my life I'd been afraid of loosing my family if I did, but they've taken it pretty good. They have a lot of trouble understanding any of this, but they try to accept it and support me.
What I was even more terrified of, was loosing my boyfriend who I've been together with for about 3 years now. I feel very guilty about having to put him through all this, because we met shortly after I had been through a severe depression and was very close to coming out and seeking a therapist, but I had only dived back into the depths of the closet and tried to keep living in denial. I feel like a total jerk and that all of his pain could have been avoided if I had been honest with both myself and him from the start.
I've always known I'm really a guy, but I lived fully as a female for many years, I had actually worked very hard to "pass" as a female(since I was 15), which may seem odd since I'm born female, and it was easy for me to look attractive as such if I blocked all my feelings about it. To "make a woman" of myself was partly self-punishment and partly a way to try to supress anything about ever having felt like a guy.
I have quite severe body dysphoria, but for most of my life this still didn't make me feel "worthy" of getting help to transition, because when I was younger I thought(since I knew I'd be a gay boy) that I HAD to be happy with the body I had, and that transsexuals had to be a certain way and actually fill a certain stereotypical gender role in order to get any help. And I was terrified of what it would mean for my life if I came out as a transsexual and gay.
As I got older I realised that a lot of this was just my misconceptions, and that I didn't have to fulfill the criteria of some sort of stereotype at all, but still - shame and fear brought me down various weird and destructive paths in my life instead, and I'm still trying to recover emotionally.
I fully accepted that I'm gay 3-4 years ago, but I still couldn't accept being in need of transition. I knew I wanted it, I had dreamt of it since I was 11(when I first learned it was possible), but actually accepting that I do need it and that this feeling isn't something I can control - that took time. Last summer I broke down and got suicidal, and that's when I asked myself: "what if I DON'T seek help? what if I just push this away again and keep living a lie? what if I actually never get to live as a male?".. I had never experienced anything so frightening. I couldn't see myself living any more. I had been suicidal before, yes, but this was different, this was - I can't even imagine a future, as if there was just nothing there.
The thing that tortures me the most now is what will happen with my relationship. My boyfriend is someone I'd really want to spend the rest of my life with, we have a very good and deep relationship, but I can't see myself keep living as a female. I don't want to keep going through this neverending gender dysphoria.
He knows since summer about me being transsexual, and he does his best to support me although he doesn't like it. He says he wants to try staying as a couple even after I start HRT - but to take it a day at a time. He's very straight, and I truly cannot see how he'd be able to keep me as a boyfriend, even though he tries to tell me that it's fine if I get a male body and even lower surgery. He did ask me a couple weeks ago if I wanted to be his boyfriend, as if asking for the first time, and it made me really happy, but I still can't see it happening.
How do I handle this? I'm sure many of you have been/are in this situation. I feel like whatever I choose to do - I will loose something else that means the world to me. I should be thankful that he actually is so supportive, he could have reacted much worse, but this fact only reinforces my love for him and makes it a lot more painful.
I've been seeing a psychologist since august, and done many changes for the better in my life and I just generally feel a bit more comfortable, but some things I don't dare to talk to him about, such as how scared I really am of loosing my boyfriend due to transition.
Sorry it was so long, cheers if you made it through!
Title: Re: "New" FTM, in need of your wisdom
Post by: xAndrewx on January 24, 2011, 12:38:35 AM
Post by: xAndrewx on January 24, 2011, 12:38:35 AM
Welcome to the forum Wraith :icon_wave:
Congrats on coming out man, it takes hard work so congrats on making it through that. As far as your boyfriend. Well, speaking from my own experiences my ex didn't want me to transition and it sometimes had me back on forth on starting T for fear of loosing her.
Since he is supportive it's a way less chance but just, if you haven't already try putting everything out of your head, look 5 years into the future and think this "Which is worse getting broken up with in the next 5 years or spending the next 5 years as a female?". For me I had to transition because the fear of her being out of my life was less scary than the fear of being stuck in an awful female body. Plus she ended up later on breaking up with me for other reasons so I'm glad I went for it sooner instead of letting her hold me back from becoming me.
Congrats on coming out man, it takes hard work so congrats on making it through that. As far as your boyfriend. Well, speaking from my own experiences my ex didn't want me to transition and it sometimes had me back on forth on starting T for fear of loosing her.
Since he is supportive it's a way less chance but just, if you haven't already try putting everything out of your head, look 5 years into the future and think this "Which is worse getting broken up with in the next 5 years or spending the next 5 years as a female?". For me I had to transition because the fear of her being out of my life was less scary than the fear of being stuck in an awful female body. Plus she ended up later on breaking up with me for other reasons so I'm glad I went for it sooner instead of letting her hold me back from becoming me.
Title: Re: "New" FTM, in need of your wisdom
Post by: Janet_Girl on January 24, 2011, 07:51:30 AM
Post by: Janet_Girl on January 24, 2011, 07:51:30 AM
Hi Wraith, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 5200 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Welcome to our little family. Over 5200 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation Rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.msg146855.html#msg146855)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Title: Re: "New" FTM, in need of your wisdom
Post by: Miniar on January 24, 2011, 09:31:53 AM
Post by: Miniar on January 24, 2011, 09:31:53 AM
hey hey and welcome to the forum
In many ways, your story reads quite a bit like my own.
I have a husband who's been supportive but at the same time, we've both know that there's a chance we might not be able to stay together post transition as we don't know how much that'll change between us.
We had a bit of a head start since he's pansexual like I am and we connect quite deeply on the intellectual level, but the concern was here too.
What we did to handle it was to sit down and logic it out.
Rationally acknowledging that we can't know the future and that we might not be able to survive this "as a couple", but we also committed ourselves to do our best to remain close friends, regardless of what else the future brings. This way our relationship was allowed to change without it meaning that we'd "lose" each other entirely.
Today, he's my husband and we're still very much in love, and he's also my best friend, as he has been for quite a while.
In many ways, your story reads quite a bit like my own.
I have a husband who's been supportive but at the same time, we've both know that there's a chance we might not be able to stay together post transition as we don't know how much that'll change between us.
We had a bit of a head start since he's pansexual like I am and we connect quite deeply on the intellectual level, but the concern was here too.
What we did to handle it was to sit down and logic it out.
Rationally acknowledging that we can't know the future and that we might not be able to survive this "as a couple", but we also committed ourselves to do our best to remain close friends, regardless of what else the future brings. This way our relationship was allowed to change without it meaning that we'd "lose" each other entirely.
Today, he's my husband and we're still very much in love, and he's also my best friend, as he has been for quite a while.
Title: Re: "New" FTM, in need of your wisdom
Post by: Wraith on January 25, 2011, 07:01:29 PM
Post by: Wraith on January 25, 2011, 07:01:29 PM
Thanks Andrew and Miniar. Yeah we've talked about maybe having to redefine our relation at some point, and that we both want to try to stay close friends at least. I just need to find a way to stop getting panicked about this. In my desperation I've tried to come up with many different solutions for how to handle dysphoria without transitioning or just doing partial transition and things like that, and that bothers me. Whatever I try to compromise about I keep coming to the conclusion I need a "full" transition and nothing else, it's gonna be unhealthy for me if I try to bargain about it.
I also know it's unfair even to him if I keep suffering out of fear of loosing him, such a relationship may not last in the long run anyway. Oh well, I know all this, yet I keep panicking and running back and forth in my mind.
I also know it's unfair even to him if I keep suffering out of fear of loosing him, such a relationship may not last in the long run anyway. Oh well, I know all this, yet I keep panicking and running back and forth in my mind.
Title: Re: "New" FTM, in need of your wisdom
Post by: Kaden on January 29, 2011, 04:01:01 AM
Post by: Kaden on January 29, 2011, 04:01:01 AM
Can relate a lot to your OP. Me and my boy have had the conversation about redefining our relationship because he's unfortunately not gay and I'm unfortunately not a girl, in a way it would have been easier if he had rejected me being transsexual instead of attempting to work with something that I know cannot work for him, he's trying to be supportive and that in turn has me wanting to make things easier for him... which I can't do as I cringe every time he reminds me I'm physically female, in time will grow to resentment.
You have to put yourself first.
You have to put yourself first.
Title: Re: "New" FTM, in need of your wisdom
Post by: Miniar on January 29, 2011, 07:26:24 AM
Post by: Miniar on January 29, 2011, 07:26:24 AM
If you love someone, you don't want them to be unhappy for your sake.
I'd rather my husband would be happy without me than miserable with me and the feeling's mutual between us.
I'd rather my husband would be happy without me than miserable with me and the feeling's mutual between us.
Title: Re: "New" FTM, in need of your wisdom
Post by: Gadgett on January 29, 2011, 10:35:27 AM
Post by: Gadgett on January 29, 2011, 10:35:27 AM
Hi and welcome,
Your story sounds a lot like so many others I've heard. It actually surprising how support a lot of people have been towards me and my FTM mate but as nice as it is we have a deep concern that a lot of them don't believe us and believe it's just a phase. One person we know will support us all the way through. The rest however, we are not counting on when we actually start. I hope that your family and friends will stay supportive to you.
-Gadg
Your story sounds a lot like so many others I've heard. It actually surprising how support a lot of people have been towards me and my FTM mate but as nice as it is we have a deep concern that a lot of them don't believe us and believe it's just a phase. One person we know will support us all the way through. The rest however, we are not counting on when we actually start. I hope that your family and friends will stay supportive to you.
-Gadg
Title: Re: "New" FTM, in need of your wisdom
Post by: Jacquelyn on February 01, 2011, 11:16:40 AM
Post by: Jacquelyn on February 01, 2011, 11:16:40 AM
Welcome to Susan's, Wraith!
You seem like a very kind, articulate, and intelligent individual, I am sure that you will fit in quite well here. As you have already seen from the other responses Susan's is a very welcoming and supportive place.
Congrats on coming out! As Andrew said it can be quite difficult, and I am glad you were able to do it. As far as the situation with your SO, I hope that things work out for the two of you. I am the SO of a MTF who hasn't yet begun transitioning. There are some other SO's around here, including individuals who are trans themselves, and they will all admit both sides of the transition face difficulties. The fact that he is sticking around to try and work things out is in your favor though, as you will see throughout the boards many SO's don't stick around after the initial coming out, and others only do it (when they are a bit older) for the economic stability. Have you encouraged him to join any support forums or to do some research on his own? I know that educating myself and getting support here has helped me to better understand myself and my SO.
Anyway, I am sorry if I am rambling. I look forward to reading more posts from you, and if you would like to chat feel free to drop me a PM.
Best of luck to you and yours!
Hugs,
Jacquelyn
You seem like a very kind, articulate, and intelligent individual, I am sure that you will fit in quite well here. As you have already seen from the other responses Susan's is a very welcoming and supportive place.
Congrats on coming out! As Andrew said it can be quite difficult, and I am glad you were able to do it. As far as the situation with your SO, I hope that things work out for the two of you. I am the SO of a MTF who hasn't yet begun transitioning. There are some other SO's around here, including individuals who are trans themselves, and they will all admit both sides of the transition face difficulties. The fact that he is sticking around to try and work things out is in your favor though, as you will see throughout the boards many SO's don't stick around after the initial coming out, and others only do it (when they are a bit older) for the economic stability. Have you encouraged him to join any support forums or to do some research on his own? I know that educating myself and getting support here has helped me to better understand myself and my SO.
Anyway, I am sorry if I am rambling. I look forward to reading more posts from you, and if you would like to chat feel free to drop me a PM.
Best of luck to you and yours!
Hugs,
Jacquelyn