Susan's Place Transgender Resources

- Cisgender women
- People who are younger than me (22) and will start HRT before they reach my age
- People who are already on HRT
- People who've had SRS
- People with passable voices, especially without training
- Pre-transition people with any aspect more passable than the corresponding one in me
- People who began transition with puberty-blockers
- People who've waited a shorter time than me for HRT
- Happy people
- People who pass
- Pregnant people
- Children, especially girls, including my little sister

People, stop being better off than me! I need to be the luckiest person alive, or I'm just gonna start whining.


More seriously, though, seeing anyone who fits one or more of the points above at any given moment makes me dysphoric and jealous and depressed. It's totally unreasonable, of course, and serves no other purpose than to make me miserable, so I try to ignore it, but it gets to me nonetheless. And then the skies darken, and I start getting angry and frustrated at the world for being treated like this. I did nothing to deserve this existence, and committed no crime that justified the punishment of birth. If there was a god, I'd rail against him and make it my life's work to kill him in retaliation for this. If there was reincarnation, I'd be tempted to end it so that I could be reborn into a more worthy form.

The real clincher, though, is that I'm actually pretty well off for a pre-transition trans person, so on top of all that I'm feeling guilty for feeling bad. People, stop being worse off than me! I need to be the most suffering person alive, or I'll never be able to wallow properly in my self-pity.

I just wish this interminable wait could get done with. I still have at least a year to go before I'll be most graciously and generously permitted to swallow those tiny, cheap, harmless, easily-produced, non-narcotic, available-naturally-to-almost-every-female-bodied-person pills that would allow me to stop degenerating into an even worse human being than I already am. They should let me through or kill me, but do it quickly, please!

*sigh*

Sorry for once again whining on these forums. I just needed to vent a bit.

I know the feeling of resentment. However it serves absolutely no purpose. I wish I could have transitioned at 12, and even more I wish I simply could have been born in the right body. However there was never a choice for me. Now I am in a similar situation as you. 22 years old. Soon to be 23 and have not even began my transition yet. This thing looms over every aspect of my life, and I can now except the extraordinary challenges that have been placed on me. I just hope that I can pass someday. I used to be a very very beautiful child, and then T got ahold of me and ruined everything. The worst thing though is the sense of living a lie. Everyone else seems to be open, having fun just going on with their lives and here I am locked in a mental prison. I feel so cursed to have been born this way. But I will be strong, and I will fight for change. Hopefully some day we will all be passable. I can definitely relate to the being envious of little girls since I never had those childhood experiences and yes I cannot wait for HRT. I just know I need it. I really look forward to the day when I can physically start changing. However earlier this week I hung out with another MTF a year younger than me, and she is much taller and has a lot more angular features. All my features are like really soft and I am only 5'5" so even though I feel I am starting late my results may equal that of a lot of 17-18 year olds starting E. I will simply have to see.

P.S dont let these fears and jealousy destroy your life

i had the same things, and still do sometimes. but, you might resent me, because i'm 18, on hrt, and in the process of transitioning. when i see pregnant women, sometimes it makes me cringe. even though i really don't want to get pregnant, it just makes me feel like they are the royalty, the queens, the real women that are there to make me feel less, but then i try to remember, that's just their hand of cards. there will always be the next person that's "better off" than someone else regardless of gender. i don't think i can tell you of any cisgender women that appreciate their gender in the respect we do.

I also resent many of the same people.  But I do realize that it is mostly me.  I am 56, and have been in transition for the last 2 plus years.  I often wonder if I will get to the end, but I get going on.

And then I deal with the depression when it happens.

Quote from: FallingStar on January 25, 2011, 02:31:56 PM
i had the same things, and still do sometimes. but, you might resent me, because i'm 18, on hrt, and in the process of transitioning. when i see pregnant women, sometimes it makes me cringe. even though i really don't want to get pregnant, it just makes me feel like they are the royalty, the queens, the real women that are there to make me feel less, but then i try to remember, that's just their hand of cards. there will always be the next person that's "better off" than someone else regardless of gender. i don't think i can tell you of any cisgender women that appreciate their gender in the respect we do.

Right, girls...22/23 is not starting late, with luck and a following wind you'll both spend most of your 20s as who you truly are. there's people round here who'd sacrifice a parent (or at least someones parent) to be in your position...trust me. Feeling resentment towards those seemingly better off than you is as silly as me feeling guilty for how ridiculously lucky I've been in my transition.

Live your lives, love your lives as well, because you're both in an enviable position.

Chantal185: What life?


So, I'm taller than you. Great :-\ . I'm gonna have trouble, because I'm above the average height, even for guys. I tend to try to laugh it away - "I'm glad I'm as tall as I am, or my feet wouldn't reach down to the ground!" But the truth is, it bothers me.

I'm also quite feminine-looking already, and have on occasion been gendered female when presenting as male. Hell, a couple of times guys have even tried to hit on me. So, in that regard I'm probably quite well off. But, of course, when I look in the mirror I generally just see a testosterone-scarred wretch.

I have a few things that keep me going. First is my family - if I were to die, they might never recover, so for their sake, I have to carry on. The second is my burial - if I'm gendered male in the final remembrance, I'm not gonna be remembered at all. In fact, it'd be worse than just not being remembered - it'd be like everybody deliberately ignored me to focus on the death of an imaginary person; a final indignity which I would have no defence against. So I can't die yet. The third is pure spite - the world is trying to break me, has already pushed me close to some form of breaking point, but neither the world nor society nor the laws of physics themselves will be allowed to dictate my fate. I will survive just so that I by my transition can make a mockery of the entire universe. If I ever have another moment of happiness, I will know that that moment was a small measure of revenge for my incarceration in this life, and so that moment will be even sweeter.

And, finally, stubbornness - who am I to give up?

But when my life ends, and the "Play again?" message pops up, I'm clicking "No".


FalllingStar: Yes, you're right - I do resent you. And I feel the same way about pregnant women that you do.


Janet Lynn: Yes, that's how things are going for me, too. Although I'm contractually obligated to inform you that I resent you for being that far along in transition.


Helena: I know, and it drives me crazy! Also, obliged to inform you, etc., etc.

In my case I resent people who still have their youth! :D

Look I'm 50 years old. I've been on HRT for nearly 30 years and postop for about 26 years, I have a voice which naturally falls in the low end of normal female range and thanks to partial androgen insesitivity I effectively had some inbuilt puberty blocking. I'm five foot 8, I have a natural entirely silicone free F cup bust, and small hands and feet. I'm usually pretty happy, I pass consistently, and a grew up partially as a girl thanks to an early coming out and understanding parents.

So apart from pregnancy I tick practically ALL your boxes. Oh and just for good measure I have a stable 23 year old relationship, and I live in a house with a private swimming pool and two high definition film projection systems. Do you hate me yet?

Thing is am I content? No of course I'm not. I resent people who have youth, I resent people who haven't lost as much money as I have in the recession, I resent people who are still working in Television (which I left in 2007 after 20 years when the work dried up)

Back when I was starting out the way to avoid the long wait for HRT was a combination of DIY (which for obvious reasons I don't recommend) and going for private treatment - by which method you should be able to start within a maximum of 3 months. I managed to have at least part of a girls childhood because at the age of five I was prepared to FIGHT for it, and I was prepared to take the flak and the teasing that my parents and school teachers all thought would make me change my mind!

My point is that sometimes rather than sitting back and accepting what life throws at you you have to go out and take the fight to it!

If you want something bad enough, you will find a way to make it happen. Meanwhile, feel free to carry on hating me if it makes you feel better. I can take it, I've got broad shoulders, and I completely sympathise with your feeling of frustration. :)

Quote from: FallingStar on January 25, 2011, 02:31:56 PM
when i see pregnant women, sometimes it makes me cringe.

It helps if rather than cringing, if you think "God, that's going to hurt!" when ever you see a pregnant woman.

Quote from: E on January 25, 2011, 02:45:40 PM

So, I'm taller than you.

I'm 5'9" and tall girls are ***king sexy! work that height hun.

Thanks, Jenny - that actually made me feel a little better :) .

The thing you need to understand is that there are no private practices in this area in my country. Everything has been gathered centrally at one single clinic in the capital, and going anywhere else would actually require me to break the law and possibly forsake any hope of an eventual legal gender change. If the central clinic refuses me, I'll go down that path, but for now I need to follow the procedure laid out for me.

I have tried to order hormones online from some of the more reputable vendors, but they do not ship here, due to strict customs regulations. So I could go on to the black market, but I'm not quite ready yet for that risk.

And you can have my youth. I don't use it, and never have.


Helena: I'm still taller than you, though. My height doesn't bother me that much, but it does bother me. My girlfriend told me the exact same thing you did about my height, though, and that type of sentiment does help, so thanks :) .

And, also? When it comes to pregnancy, or really any aspect of womanhood, my stupid mind is irrational enough to envy even the bad parts. That pain? My brain goes, "Oh my god I envy her, oooh that's gonna hurt, and... damn, I really shouldn't envy her that fact O.o !"

Quote from: E on January 25, 2011, 02:45:40 PM
Chantal185: What life?


So, I'm taller than you. Great :-\ . I'm gonna have trouble, because I'm above the average height, even for guys. I tend to try to laugh it away - "I'm glad I'm as tall as I am, or my feet wouldn't reach down to the ground!" But the truth is, it bothers me.

I'm also quite feminine-looking already, and have on occasion been gendered female when presenting as male. Hell, a couple of times guys have even tried to hit on me. So, in that regard I'm probably quite well off. But, of course, when I look in the mirror I generally just see a testosterone-scarred wretch.

I have a few things that keep me going. First is my family - if I were to die, they might never recover, so for their sake, I have to carry on. The second is my burial - if I'm gendered male in the final remembrance, I'm not gonna be remembered at all. In fact, it'd be worse than just not being remembered - it'd be like everybody deliberately ignored me to focus on the death of an imaginary person; a final indignity which I would have no defence against. So I can't die yet. The third is pure spite - the world is trying to break me, has already pushed me close to some form of breaking point, but neither the world nor society nor the laws of physics themselves will be allowed to dictate my fate. I will survive just so that I by my transition can make a mockery of the entire universe. If I ever have another moment of happiness, I will know that that moment was a small measure of revenge for my incarceration in this life, and so that moment will be even sweeter.

And, finally, stubbornness - who am I to give up?

But when my life ends, and the "Play again?" message pops up, I'm clicking "No".


FalllingStar: Yes, you're right - I do resent you. And I feel the same way about pregnant women that you do.


Janet Lynn: Yes, that's how things are going for me, too. Although I'm contractually obligated to inform you that I resent you for being that far along in transition.


Helena: I know, and it drives me crazy! Also, obliged to inform you, etc., etc.

E, guess what. you just said guys have hit on you before. guys have never hit on me, and still don't probably because i have asperger's. it will probably be very hard for me to ever get a guy interested in me just because of that. i'm tall as well 5'11. i've got no drivers license, and i can barely look people in the eye when i'm talking to them. you see? if it wasn't for my gender problems, i would still have obsessive compulsive issues, and very bad social skills. which hinder the quality of my life big time when i allow it to. being happy is not about what you have, but what you make of it.

Quote from: E on January 25, 2011, 02:58:58 PM
And, also? When it comes to pregnancy, or really any aspect of womanhood, my stupid mind is irrational enough to envy even the bad parts. That pain? My brain goes, "Oh my god I envy her, oooh that's gonna hurt, and... damn, I really shouldn't envy her that fact O.o !"

When ever any of my female friends used to tell my now sadly deceased twin brother how lucky i was to be a guy because that meant i'd never have periods, pmt or period pains, i always used to think in the privacy of my own head "try having a beard and having to shave all the time" and i would gladly have swapped all the facial hair for that. Well they do say be careful what you wish for, because I now sympathise totally and agree, guys have it so much easier.

Quote from: Helena on January 25, 2011, 02:56:10 PM
It helps if rather than cringing, if you think "God, that's going to hurt!" when ever you see a pregnant woman.


I'm 5'9" and tall girls are ***king sexy! work that height hun.

helena, that makes sense, and not only that, but who knows how much of a handful the baby is going to be?

I guess you resent me.  I'll add you to the list of "everybody else in existence" who resents me.

Seriously though, a lot of people are jealous of me.  I have some superior genetics, or something.  I can eat half a gallon of ice cream and not gain a pound.  My friends hate to watch me eat, because they know I'll still be skinny as a rail.

A lot of damn good that does me.  A skinny male body is still a skinny male body.

Quote from: FallingStar on January 25, 2011, 03:06:13 PM
helena, that makes sense, and not only that, but who knows how much of a handful the baby is going to be?

exactly, the s**ting, the baby sick, the sleepless nights, sore nips from breast feeding :o, breast feeding when the little sproglet is teething  :o :o :o, 18 years + of financial misery and your life being tied up in the identity of your offspring. I mean who in their right mind would want to go through that?

Me for one, and it kills me that I can't

FallingStar: Yes, I know. In many ways, I lucked out. As hard as it may seem to believe, I actually have a natural bent towards happiness, which made it all the harder to see myself sinking into depression. Also, I'm taller than you. And I grew another centimeter during the last year or so.

Having guys hit on me was always a weird experience. Well, "always" - I can remember two times, and am reasonably confident that there's been at least one more. Thing is, they all happened during my I-can-see-Narnia-from-here! phase, where being read as female was the most terrifying thing I could possibly think of. So on one level, it made me feel good, but on another it left me paranoid and anxious in social settings.


Helena: Yah, they do have it easier. But I still can't bear the thought of having to pretend to be one. And I'm pretty much in the same boat when it comes to babies - goddamnit, I want one!

VeryGnawty: While not quite that extreme, I can eat whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it and maintain my weight (which is just about the average for men. Yes, I'm average bio-male height and weight, both). It fluctuates a few kilograms, but I've never had to think about it. And I totally agree with your sentiment, and do not resent you much, since you seem to be in a similar situation to me.

This thread made me feel better about myself...guess ill stop bitching about my life now lol.

ALSO, do NOT order HRT off online pharmaceuticals. i did that for a year because my insurance ran out and i found out that the pills they give you are FAKE and/or terribly diluted. DONT BUY THEM OFF THE NET.

Quote from: KillBelle on January 25, 2011, 04:19:15 PM
This thread made me feel better about myself...guess ill stop bitching about my life now lol.

ALSO, do NOT order HRT off online pharmaceuticals. i did that for a year because my insurance ran out and i found out that the pills they give you are FAKE and/or terribly diluted. DONT BUY THEM OFF THE NET.

Yes!

Actually there are a couple of places that do supply genuine stuff but they are exceptional and anyway forum rules prevent discussion of that option. Back in my day, without the internet, the way that we got our stuff was to find a sympathetic doctor (or transwoman) who would illegally sell us some. This had the advantage that we knew it was genuine but OH BOY was it costly. The going rate even back then would have brought tears to your eyes.

The other advantage of buying it off a doctor was that at least we got monitored after a fashion - which is one reason why DIY is to be discouraged. HRT is surprisingly individual and the dose which is right for one can be potentially dangerous for another, which is why it is always best to go to a doctor.

Quote from: Helena on January 25, 2011, 03:13:03 PM
exactly, the s**ting, the baby sick, the sleepless nights, sore nips from breast feeding :o, breast feeding when the little sproglet is teething  :o :o :o, 18 years + of financial misery and your life being tied up in the identity of your offspring. I mean who in their right mind would want to go through that?

Me for one, and it kills me that I can't

Raises her hand Proudly.

Quote from: Janet Lynn on January 25, 2011, 04:31:02 PM
Raises her hand Proudly.

*High fives Janet's raised hand*

*High Fives Helena*

KillBelle: Glad I could make you feel better :) .

KillBelle & Jenny: I know of two good and reputable online stores. Neither ships here, and I'm not desperate enough to buy from untrustworthy buyers just yet.

you're not ordering from inhouse pharmacy are you? stay awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

Quote from: KillBelle on January 25, 2011, 05:34:46 PM
you're not ordering from inhouse pharmacy are you? stay awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

Like I said twice before, I'm not actually ordering anything.

Quote from: E on January 25, 2011, 05:28:19 PM
KillBelle & Jenny: I know of two good and reputable online stores. Neither ships here, and I'm not desperate enough to buy from untrustworthy buyers just yet.

Just be careful - As I said, I am certainly not recommending that route. I only used the blackmarket for my first couple of years and then only at very low doses. (mainly because I couldn't afford any more). For the last 27 years of course I have thankfully had anything I need prescribed free by the UK NHS.

The supreme irony is that for reasons that neither I nor my GP really understands it has recently come to light, as a result of some tests that I had following a surgical update, that in my old age my body suddenly seems to be producing more or less normal hormone levels on its own, so mostly I am just being monitored to make sure that this doesn't stop.

You could really shorten that down to: I love hate and hate everything else.

Like Marley's ghost we all carry the chains we forge in life, and that's a heavy bunch of stuff to be dragging around.

I don't resent them I do feel envy however.

Before I transitioned my envy actually reached proportions of complete outrageous absurdity. forget just envying cis-women, I would be envious of morbidly obese *MEN* and how fat they could get because they got boobs where I felt I was cheated out of mine.

I still feel cheated and on bad days I will get really torn up about the situation "why do I have to experience so much pain and heartbreak, Why do I have to be this disgusting diseased unlovable vilified half-breed?" And envying the situations of others compared to mine But it's not as bad as it once was I no longer feel such immense wide spread envy but I do get u.u about some of the situations you talk about.

Ditto to all the above  ;)

one of the women at work has produced 9lb 5oz's worth of bub, and as well as a tinge of jealousy, I thought that's gotta hurt.  Then someone said that a granddaughter was 13 lb!!! Owwwww!

I don't know. I just think people should focus on their own happiness and avoid comparisons to others.

I love the Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen Song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ#) and it has this great line that fits perfectly here:

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

I used to get down about the very exact same things that you are right now. But getting down won't help you moving. The grass is always greener on the oher side and if you spend too much time looking at it you'll forget to appreciate what you have and forget to work with it.

Jenny: That's interesting, and weird, and also must feel very nice - no worrying that you'll be cut off from HRT!

pebbles: I haven't gotten quite that far yet. And as soon as I actually get on HRT, I expect to have fewer issues along these lines.

justmeinoz: You'll have to forgive me, but I have no idea what those measurements mean. I assume a 9lb baby is heavy?

niamh: Yeah, I agree. Trouble is I don't really have a lot of control over what gets me down and not, and sometimes what doesn't bother me at all one day is suddenly the world's biggest issue next day without any warning. I mean, if I could simply go "well, to hell with this, from now on I'm gonna be happy!" I would, but I can't.

Some of you girls in your 20's are freaking me out here. You're all worried about not being pretty and "wasting years" etc etc. Here I am about to turn 34 and have yet to take my first estrogen pill. What I wouldn't give to have already transitioned in my 20's.

Quit your complaining! :)

Quote from: Madelyn on January 26, 2011, 01:06:01 PM
Some of you girls in your 20's are freaking me out here. You're all worried about not being pretty and "wasting years" etc etc. Here I am about to turn 34 and have yet to take my first estrogen pill. What I wouldn't give to have already transitioned in my 20's.

Quit your complaining! :)

Yes, mom :P .

You can't always get what you want

but if you try sometime

you just might find

you get what you need

ohhh yeaaaa

jelousy is only hurting you

you can never be others

but you can be yourself