Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi, i just wanted some advice on my letter...
thanks :)
Dear Mum
        I'm writing this now, because I'm out of time. I feel i have lasted as long as i can. And i must act now, not only for myself, but to stop the fracture of this family which i feel is my fault. I have been holding some things back which I think you need to know. The only reason it has taken me this long, is I have been scared. Scared of hurting you and Dad, scared of disappointing you and scared of rejection. This fear has haunted me since I've been conscious to it., I have had, and still continue to have severe doubts in my mind regarding my image of self. To the extent where i have a condition called Gender Dysphoria. Basically, My brain isn't correct. Its female, and the body is male. This has lead to a feeling of being trapped in the wrong body. I know the cliché, but I have no doubt in my mind as to its relevance in my case. The feeling is powerful and painful. I feel like I am driving somebody else's car. I am in control, to a point, but it isn't mine. The main thing is, if I don't get out of this car, I fear I will die. I'm approaching a cliff, and i can't slow down. This has made me extremely unhappy. To a point where I have, at times considered that the only alternative to transition is suicide. I realize that you may not have noticed this specifically,  but I know you have sensed my unhappiness. It has been something I myself have tried to block out. My life has been an act, me trying to fit in.  Parts of my personality have been a façade which I have only recently been able to see clearly past. I have been subconsciously suppressing myself, and I see that now. Hence why I'm not the easiest person to fit in, as everything I've tried personality wise, has been how i think i should act. Truth be told, I'm lost. My true self is not your son, but you're Daughter, and I hate being like this, being trapped, smothered, killing myself behind this mask of whatever i am.  You are my mother and I hope you can appreciate the pain I have been suffering. This has in no way been a deception, but a discovery and I need to live my life.
   I deeply regret any pain this causes you and dad, but I am who I am, and nobody can change that. Believe me as i write this I'm crying. This has been one of the hardest things i have done in my life. And i just hope you still love your child I'm so very sorry I'm having to write to you, but i can't bring myself to see your disappointment as you hear these words.
   Charlie

We all have to face "telling" our family, at some point.  Often they already know or suspect, but are unwilling to face it.

Well done.

Sarah L.

i had thought they knew...
anything i could phrase better?  :-\

Good letter.  You may want to try and rephrase the lines referring to suicide and death.  Yes they are very real consequences but the words may be a little strong for your parents.

Steph

personally I would not say that my brain was not correct.  I stated that I had identified as female for quite some time and that I needed to change the outside of me to reflect that so that I could be me.  YMMV though.

Good luck and please let us know how it goes for you. 

Hugs,
LIT

Rachael, here is my edit - as we discussed in #chat

Dear Mum,

        This is the hardest letter I have ever had to write. As I write this, I feel that I am out of time. I have been holding something back for my whole life, and there is no choice but to tell you now.

   I have known for almost a decade now that I suffer from an incurable condition called gender identity dysphoria – a misunderstood condition commonly known as transsexualism. It is an irreversible birth defect where the brain is female - yet the body is male. I have no doubt in my mind that this is what I am. The feeling is both powerful and painful.

   I've wanted to tell you for so long, but I have been terrified - scared of hurting you and Dad, scared of disappointing you and scared of rejection. And yet, the time has come where I must face it. Being born this way has been beyond agonizing. This is a nearly universal experience – gay and transsexual suicide rates are both morbid and shocking.

   This is the reason why I've always had so much trouble fitting in socially. Can you imagine what it is like for a woman to always to be forced to live as a man? It's confusing, depressing and taxing to always be hiding a secret. My loneliness is sadly the rule rather than the exception for people born like me.

   Truth be told, I'm lost. My true self is not your son, but your daughter - and I hate being trapped like this. You are my mother and I hope you can appreciate the pain I have been suffering. This has in no way been a deception, but a discovery and I need to finally confront this and start to live my life.

   I deeply regret any pain this causes you and dad, but I am who I am, and nobody can change that. But I want you know this most of all – you did not cause this. Transsexualism is a birth defect with a well established medical course of treatment. There is nothing you can do to fix this - beyond giving me your love and understanding.

   Charlie

Rachael, your letter is very well written, and I would agree with Steph and just lighten up on the suicide and death sections,  and I agree with Lost In Time that you shouldn't make references to your brain being in correct, but I did like the way that she had worded it. It was just like what my social worker had told me and that was that I think more like a woman and that she strongly feels that I am a transgender. Unfortunately my mum already had her preconcieved ideas about me, and there was no way of changing them.

I wish you all the luck when presenting it to your mum.

Gina  :)

perfect Bri, its exactly what i wanted to say, and how :)

My edits would fall in line with what Bri has given you.  I'd leave the suicide bit in there if you have felt suicidal.  For if you are, your parents deserve to know that as well.  I'd leave out the reference to "gays".  In fact I might add a statement in the letter that you are not gay (if indeed you do not feel gay).  It may help clarify your position some.

Cindi

good idea
i will
cos im not (likes boys :P, but ill leave that till later :))

I disagree.

I think the KISS rule applies here - "Keep it simple, stupid." Gay issues are related to our issues, and are a good place for people to start to understand this.

A complete understanding can come later.

Bri

Keeping it simple is good but be aware that whatever you don't tell they will have burning on their mind like:


What surgery do you want? Will you ever have kids? Does this mean you like women men or both? Does this mean your going to start to wear dresses? Are you going to dress like a drag queen? Are you going to get a boob job? Are you going to spend your student loan getting a "sex change"? Will you ever be able to find a partner that truely loves you? Are you going to sell all the stuff we've bought you to fund these changes? Are you on drugs, if so what? Shouldn't you just take testosterone to fix these feelings?


Those are all ones i got and you'll likely get a few more, i cleared most of those up with some emails in a bit later, but some of those questions I didn't feel I need to awnswer like SRS, what's between my legs is mine and I'll do whatever I like with it and it's no buissness of anyone else what surgery I choose.

I actually got asked if I was going to have my teeth removed. Yea... believe it or not.  "Because," as I was told "gays have their teeth removed so that they can have better oral sex".  Where do they come up with this stuff?

Cindi

Quote from: Mawd on January 21, 2007, 05:00:01 AM
Does this mean you like women men or both?
Does this mean your going to start to wear dresses?
Are you going to dress like a drag queen?
Are you on drugs, if so what?
Shouldn't you just take testosterone to fix these feelings?

Yep, I've been asked each of these things, though pretty much all by the same person.

Add:

Are you going to start wearing tight jeans?
Are you out sleeping with men behind your wife's back?
Are you on meth?

It's bizarre, I tell ya. I just don't get it.

I like Bri's edit very much, though I agree with Cindi that perhaps the gay reference might confuse things a bit. I agree there are similarities, but SO many people seem to think we're just gay men who became more and more effeminate to the point we figured we might as well just become women... ya know... for the sex.

Kate

going to have to talk about drugs, seeing as im no hrt...
tho i figure i can avoid the 'behind the wifes back thing... that would need a wife...
this stuff can be brought in in after letter talk, tho she nees to reply to the letter first :(

Quote from: Rachael on January 23, 2007, 05:11:13 AM
tho i figure i can avoid the 'behind the wifes back thing... that would need a wife...

Our facebook marriage is O-V-E-R.
/me leaves to go cry....

Bri-lala

oh yeah, scratch last ;)