Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Male to female transsexual talk (MTF) => Topic started by: xxUltraModLadyxx on January 30, 2011, 10:15:20 PM Return to Full Version
Title: it's amazing how much this transition is changing me.
Post by: xxUltraModLadyxx on January 30, 2011, 10:15:20 PM
Post by: xxUltraModLadyxx on January 30, 2011, 10:15:20 PM
it really is. if i went back about 5 years, i was so much different than i am now, but since i started the transition, i'm actually caring about my life, taking interest, and feeling like i'm finally about to discover my true self. a couple years ago, i was just depressed, didn't care about anything, took hardly any interest in anything. i wanted to die. i really felt like my life was going nowhere, and that i was gonna end up just transitioning, but probably not 100%. when i was asked what i wanted to be when i grow up or "what are you gonna do with your life?" it always just depressed me because i knew i really didn't want to do anything, but die somewhere along the line. inevitably, that's probably what would've happened if i didn't become stronger of an individual. also, i felt like i was worth nothing. i felt like i had no reason to have passion for anything, because i also have asperger's, and have been treated like scum by lots of people. the worst part was, no one understood me. no one understood why i had the problems i did. i just thought that was as good as my life was going to get. i thought i didn't deserve a good life or that i lived such a crappy one for such a long time, that i thought a good life was a joke. now i feel much less bitter, much less angered at everyone and everything around me, and can just say "i know i'm good enough. if you want to treat me like scum or pretend to be better than me, whatever." the sad part is, i really thought those people were better, and that was just my fate, and i did learn. those people truly felt they were worth it, so they did whatever the hell they wanted. that's why nothing bothered them. i'll just say to everyone who treated me like scum and to everyone who still thinks they are better than me today, screw you! i don't need you in my life.
Title: Re: it's amazing how much this transition is changing me.
Post by: AmySmiles on January 30, 2011, 10:29:43 PM
Post by: AmySmiles on January 30, 2011, 10:29:43 PM
I can definitely relate to the first part. For my entire life I had no aspirations, ambition, goals, hopes, or dreams. Almost as soon as I started HRT, that all turned right around and I want to experience so many things it's ridiculous. Full time is going to be amazing - even though it scares me a lot to think about taking that step.
I'm not quite there on the second part yet :(
I'm not quite there on the second part yet :(
Title: Re: it's amazing how much this transition is changing me.
Post by: VeryGnawty on January 31, 2011, 06:01:59 AM
Post by: VeryGnawty on January 31, 2011, 06:01:59 AM
Yeah. I haven't even reached two months in my transition attempt, and I'm already a lot different than I was. I feel much different emotionally, I'm starting to express myself differently.
I feel so sad all the time, because I've been here stuck under the surface the whole time, but I've never been able to express it. Thinking about transsexuality makes me sad. It makes me want to cry (something else I still can't seem to really do). It's almost like the body itself suppresses the emotions. Now I can sort of feel the things I wanted to be before, but it always seemed impossible to express it.
Why does it seem like the body rules the entire life? It makes no sense! For my entire life I've just wanted to express the feelings I've had inside, but it always seemed so impossible to do so. But even in just a short time in transition, I've got thoughts and feeling just randomly popping out of me that I couldn't express before no matter how much I wanted to.
It makes me sad, but not in a bad way. It's more of a happy/sad.
I feel so sad all the time, because I've been here stuck under the surface the whole time, but I've never been able to express it. Thinking about transsexuality makes me sad. It makes me want to cry (something else I still can't seem to really do). It's almost like the body itself suppresses the emotions. Now I can sort of feel the things I wanted to be before, but it always seemed impossible to express it.
Why does it seem like the body rules the entire life? It makes no sense! For my entire life I've just wanted to express the feelings I've had inside, but it always seemed so impossible to do so. But even in just a short time in transition, I've got thoughts and feeling just randomly popping out of me that I couldn't express before no matter how much I wanted to.
It makes me sad, but not in a bad way. It's more of a happy/sad.