Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've done a lot of reading on Susan's and other sites as well, and I've read a lot of people's stories and posts where the talk about their bodies, severe depression, and even how they see their old self after transition.

When I think of my own story there are many elements I identify with; the daily 'dysphoria' about my body, wishing to be the 'right' gender (and all that means), and seeking the path of transition automatically before I even knew what that was. I've also dealt with depression on and off through my life over my gender incongruence.

But there are a lot of stories I read that seem more extreme than my experience. Those who had such an extreme time that they needed to mutilate themselves, or attempted suicide, or say they "hate" their bodies or their "bits".

I went through a stage just when I was starting puberty where I considered mutilating myself, and I certainly have felt discomfort with my bits my whole life. But I don't think I've ever "hated" my bits per se. I've wished I had a different configuration, and I can honestly say that when I look in the mirror I've never felt like "me" (sort of disapproval of myself). Even when my mom would tell me how handsome I was I felt like a fraud.

But I haven't ever hated myself, I haven't had feelings that were that strongly against my body. Even when I felt myself sinking into deeper depression and despair over being a man I don't know that I started hating my body. Of course, as soon as I felt myself sinking into dark thoughts (like that my life wasn't worth it, and that I was a fraud) I went out and got help. So maybe I would have ended up in a really dark place that others are describing.

But I guess I haven't experienced dysphoria at the same extremes as some others.

In my case I know I need to do something, because to keep living as a man is a fraud, and I feel so much better being me. When I ignore my gender incongruence it makes my life so much more difficult. It's disappointing for me to live a lie. I desperately want to reshape my life into how I feel it should be, and live my lifelong dream. But I don't hate my past, actually I feel some gratitude for the life I was given, despite the pain associated with my gender identity.

If I don't transition will I commit suicide? I honestly don't know. I have people in my life that I love so much I don't think I could do that to them. If I had to choose between living life as a non-transitioned trans person, or not live life at all would I choose death? I can't say that I would, because apart from the cloud that hangs over me from being in the wrong gender, I am surrounded by beautiful people, and many wonderful memories with them.

I don't feel "attached" to my male bits, or my male body, and I certainly disapprove of it when I look in the mirror. I cannot wait until things feel right. But I don't hate my body, my life, nor my past either I don't think. Those things just are what they are. I will change what I can, and accept and learn from what I cannot.

Does this sound weird to you?

It means you're lucky; I don't feel exactly the same as you, but it's not fair to judge normalcy based on what you wrote. You're no less transsexual than the rest of us who identify that way. We all have our own doubts, quirks, and hopes. Merely because your life doesn't sound like that of someone else, doesn't make you or your situation weird in any way. We don't welcome elitism here anyhow.

I think everyone experiences things differently.

My son has no disphoria ... he will even tell you that.  He still is trasitioning to male.  He doesn't even know if he wants top surgery b/c he enjoys the sensation he gets from them...

I on the other hand can hardly wait for to get my chest reconstructed.  Have had disphoria since puberty.  Never enjoyed sex until I was able to experience it more like a guy

So ... each to their own.  There is not a set standard of being transgender.  I just think disphoria is stronger with other ... doesn't mean someone is more or less trans .. she a whole spectrum.

Trans people are, by definition, abnormal: We do not fit into society's norms about gender. If we did, we wouldn't need a support group to talk about it. Of course, being abnormal is actually a good thing. I would hate to live in a society populated only by normal people. How dreadful that would be. Luckily, most people are abnormal. In fact, I might go so far as to say it's pretty normal to be abnormal. I think I might have met a few people in my life who weren't abnormal -- they're weird.

As for "hating your body" or not, I wouldn't worry about it. I think that part it has to do partly with your definition of "hate," partly with the tendency of people to want to fit their experience into a shared narrative, and partly with differing levels of intensity of physical, social, and other kinds of dysphoria, which probably depends a whole lot both on innate biological factors and on social conditioning. I would say that your situation doesn't sound all that different from mine ... yet I would also say I that I definitely hate my bits.

Nope. You're perfectly normal.

I didn't/don't hate my body either, and if someone told me I couldn't transition, I don't know that I'd be driven to suicide either. (Of course, you never know if it gets so bad somewhere down the line) I also had a lot of the things are what they are mindset.

But I do know that I'm trans, and I do know what my gender identity is, and I do know that my life is so much better for having gender congruence now.

There are a lot more of us out there than you might think. There are people who have different levels of dysphoria and people who themselves fluctuate with how dysphoric they feel. Sometimes it seems like extreme dysphoria is more common because people tend to reach out for more support at the times when they are feeling the most dysphoric.

Anyway, don't worry about fitting some specific narrative or hating your body or yourself or anything. That's not what makes you trans.

I hate to think I was a 'normal' anything.

Personally, I don't hate my body, I just hate what the ugly bit has done to it.

i know think might be kind of odd topic but whenever i look at my self i wonder who that is looking back at me i dont dislike or like my body or anything but i cant see me anywhere? im confused allmost eveytime i look at my self and wonther who that is i know it . sigh im not good at enplaxining myself i cant see my self as male in this body for some reason. i can my mind is rejecting my body so much that it is trying to blank it from my mind. sure gives me an head ace. i know im not normal but i like to act like am normal.

Sounds similar to how I felt before I transitioned.  I've been wondering about the causes of it sometimes and whether my naturally high eastrogen levels somehow protected me from feeling more dysphoric.  At the end of the day though if you feel happier after transitioning then it's right for you.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I've just got this delay before I start on E, and so I go through phases of being worried about transition. Sometimes I'm excited about it and feel very confident, sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud, but I feel like I'm a fraud being a man too. And it varies during the day too :(

Anyway, I am waiting a bit to get the fertility question taken care of (store sperm, or find out I'm sterile) before I move forward. Then I'd really like to lose a bit more weight before starting so I'm in a little better health.

But I also feel like the delay is making me waver, and experience a little anxiety, and doubt myself. I bet one day I'll look back at these posts and think how silly I was to ever doubt how I've felt pretty much my whole life. Still, it's hard (as you all know).

I don't think I have ever hated my body. I have often wished that it was different yes but at the end of the day my body is a good one. It gets me to work, it gives me pleasure, it doesn't hurt me, I can function normally in all areas of my life and in society. I really have nothing to complain about. I consider myself lucky. Sure I have wished I was born female physically but that is just a minor thing when I compare myself to those who have missing limbs or who are challenged in some manner. I amn't religious so I don't thank God but I am thankful and I make sure to remind myself of that fact. I am young, not too chubby, am moderately attractive and everything works. So, no, I don't hate my body. I embrace it and get on with my life.

Everyone is different.  I have had similar thoughts of feeling I was transsexual fraud as well.  The only weird part about me is that when I was younger I definitely knew I was a man, but since 2002 or so slipped slowly to other side.  This makes no sense, since the common explanation of transsexuality is that transsexuals were always trans but some just realize later in life.  I don't see how I could be so confident I was a man and then drift away to believing I was a woman.  Either way, I am who I am now, and it is not going away.  I don't necessarily think I am lying to others because I am male because even if I were a genetic girl I would still have the same values and overall personality.  The only thing I can think of to explain it is to say that I am living as my true self 100%.

Sorry for going on about my own story.  Just because your story does not match up with others does not mean you are not trans. 

Personally, there are parts of my body I hate and parts I don't. I could live without transitioning if I needed too but I don't think that is going to be the case.

No, it's not weird. The way I prefer to look at it, is that I imagine positive changes (adding things) as opposed to negative changes (getting rid of things). And some things are just fine the way they are. Perhaps I am lucky however that my own low-intensity dysphoria do not bring me to the extremes of depression, frustration, or urgency that I perceive in a lot of folks.

Ehh what's a "normal" transsexual anyway?

That aside, it just makes you a lucky one. Enjoy it, or really you can't I suppose, perhaps you can let us envy you? XP

Thank you, Madelyn, for raising this question ... I, too, don't hate my body. I think it's painfully ironic that I've been blessed with a pretty good male body that I don't actually want ... but I don't hate it. I just wish I had an equally nice female body that I could actually love ...

Quote from: Silver on February 03, 2011, 01:38:52 AM
Ehh what's a "normal" transsexual anyway?

I am one. My therapist said so. >:-)

Madelyn, don't let the gender Ayatollahs dictate to you.   The self-appointed guardians of the transsexual flame are only the ones who can shout loudest and longest.    You know what they say about empty vessels don't you?   'Empty vessels make the most noise.'    :laugh:

Who wants to be normal anyway :laugh:

I've developed an acceptance of my body as I go through the various stages of my transition. One thing doesn't change though, I do still hate my "bits"...

I don't think there is a "normal" to being trans. You either are or are not, I don't think there is a wrong way.

I have to agree with the other people on here; I never really hated my body for being born male. I've had doubts in my mind as to what I was, who I was, and why am I this way? I often wondered to myself: "Why did God pick me to be this way?". Why are my brother and sister normal, and I'm different? It just didn't seem fair or just. I've given up trying to pass myself as a male, and decided to transition to who I was.

Anyways, I got a little off topic, but the short end of the straw is that people can not be defined by a category. We all have proven this by wanting to transition into a different gender, therefore questioning the word "male". Terms are frequently changed, languages change, we change, never let yourself fall into a category.

My 2 cents

~~Kalista~~

I feel like I'm the same. Do I hate my male parts? Yes. but on the same hand, it's not always on my mind. I even think I could live as a man. But I wouldn't be happy, or successful or fun. Wouldn't be me, obviously. lol. But I think it's just a matter of handling things differently.

   I am not sure either if I actually hate my body. To me, it is not something I am concerned with. It seems most of my feminism is in my head!!  It seems most with my brain!  In fact, some times I wonder if perhaps it is just all imagination! But I have taken some tests here on the Internet, and I always seem to get in the upper 90% showing female on the spectrum between male and female. One or two of these, even show 100%!!  (Which I am rather proud of!) But it does seem that my thinking is more as a female! And I do love clothes and shoes! (women's that is!) But can manage with a male body, as I have had it thus far, all of my life!

This is an interesting issue.  I've seen trans people who fall pretty much everywhere on the spectrum concerning hating their own body.  Personally, I never really liked my body as a boy, but the more I come to accept that I wish I were born female, the more I like myself.  I never had a particularly masculine appearance (I'm 5'8", 107# naturally, 32 hips, 26 waist) and this bothered me when trying to convince myself that I need to be male.  However, the more I come to accept my female identity, the more I accept my body as a whole (not to say that I don't still have serious self-image issues, it's just something that has been reduced through gender identity acceptance).

What am I?  Am I a person first?  or am I one of the genders? 

For me I'm a person (I'm genderblind).

I can understand someone hating something that doesn't function properly or at all even (I have both problems one socially one sexually) when people look at you and think nothing is wrong.  Hating this body would be a problem if I identified in the first instance as a woman.  As a person living in the time and place I do I know I am massively privilaged, but as someone has as a quote existence is not living, how true that is.

Like some of the others above I've never really felt any antipathy towards my body.  As early as I can remember, around 5 or 6, I always felt I was meant to be a girl.  I was tucking and hiding that little bit even then because that bit didn't belong.  As I grew older I stopped praying for the miricle which would never come.  I also stopped talking about it because I learned quickly enough that other little boys didn't feel this way, or at least they too didn't talk about it.  But being a military brat meant that after 2 years we moved and I didn't have to deal with the bullies and taunts so long as I kept silent.

I'm a reincarnationist and as I grew into adulthood I adopted the belief that I must have spent the majority of my previous lives as a woman and for whatever reasons or lessons I needed to learn, this time around was as a man and that the feelings of "wrongness" about my gender must be the feelings of those past lives bleeding into this life.  Or maybe it is that my soul really is female (I'm still not sure if souls actually do have gender or not, but that's a different conversation) and I was here as a man to learn balance.  So I tried to become comfortable as a man or as much as I could be.  I never could shake the internal feeling or longing for a differently aligned body, but I tried to keep it from running or ruining my life.  I accepted as part of my spiritual path and that it would always be with me.  I was never able to maintain a steady relationship (not that I ever dated much to begin with) because I could never fully get comfortable in the masculine role.   I even had one of the women I dated for a while tell me she felt like she was competing with me for the girly place in the relationship.  It wasn't anything I was doing conciously, it was/is just who I am. 

So I accepted that I am most likely going to spend my years alone and learned to appreciate my own company and to be comfortable in my own skin however alien it sometimes feels.  And I really do and am.  Sure it'd be nice if I could find someone to share my life with but my happiness or peace of mind doesn't depend on it.  I think in many ways I'm happier on my own with outtings with friends and the occaisonal casual date.  But as I have gotten older and I have found that transition and change *are* possible, I've made the decision to do it.  I still accept who I am, but also who I might become.  My friends who know, and my family who all know have remarked that I'm happier and more at peace since starting the journey so I think I must be doing something right.  It doesn't confict with my spirituality either.  Maybe the lession I am hear to experience is the transition.  I dunno, but one can play that guessing game forever and not ever accomplish anything in life, or simply live and see where it takes you in the next life. 

When I accepted thta change is possible and others have done so, and are doing so, the dysphoria I suppresed and repressed came crashing forward, but I still never hated my body.  I do wonder sometimes if I should transition though.  I'm functional and mostly happy and mostly at peace.  Then I have days where I can see the greater peace and contentment and happiness and know that at least for me, I have to.   I'm going to take the transition as far as needed to find that greater inner peace.  It may be all the way, it may be somewhere in the middle.  it's my journey though. :) 

so tl;dr version.

I've never been comfortable in my body, but I approached it spiritually and philosophically and came to peace with it, as much as I could.  But as I discovered that transition is possible, I'm going to align the body with the internal brain body map and find a greater peace and acceptance of myself.


postscript. 
  We are all normal in that we are all unique and being our own unique perspectives and life experiences.  Being *here* and being allowed to share all of that, fills me with confidence and hope that this path is where I belong.

since i also have aspergers, and pure o (purely obsessional obsessive compulsive disorder.) i tend to have emotional meltdowns in response to something i don't like or something that bothers me. it's hard for me to tune it out. sometimes i wonder if my obsessiveness and my gender identity disorder are two seperate things. i've also wondered if it was supposed to be a pre transitioners job to be depressed and hate everything about themselves. or if it was even some transsexuals job to still have some dysphoria even well after living full time, and managing to pass. i eventually figured out that even if i didn't hate my body or hate living as a male, i would still want to live as female, because that is my better half. i just know i wouldn't want to turn back time to when i was in middle school and high school. i was so depressed, and i pretty much gave up trying with anything, because i felt too much like i wasn't worth it. it's hard, but you know what they say. it doesn't matter what's on the outside of you, it's the inside that counts. i have to admit, it's true. my body is only one piece of the many sides to me. when i was in elementary school, i don't think i've even had dysphoria. male and female children have the same bodies basically, except for genitals and the clothes they are dressed in. i only felt like being a boy was boring and stupid. it's amazing how that evolves as we get older.

i've found gender dysphoria to be alot like obsessive compulsive disorder, except it's one particular area, and transitioning is the only real treatment, so it's classed as gender identity disorder.

Quote from: Roxanne on April 25, 2011, 12:54:53 PM
   I am not sure either if I actually hate my body. To me, it is not something I am concerned with. It seems most of my feminism is in my head!!  It seems most with my brain!  In fact, some times I wonder if perhaps it is just all imagination! But I have taken some tests here on the Internet, and I always seem to get in the upper 90% showing female on the spectrum between male and female. One or two of these, even show 100%!!  (Which I am rather proud of!) But it does seem that my thinking is more as a female! And I do love clothes and shoes! (women's that is!) But can manage with a male body, as I have had it thus far, all of my life!

I would be careful with online tests.  There is no test out there that can tell you what gender you are.  I have taken a few of the tests as well.  I took the COGIATI test.  I  scored as a category 4 on the test.  According to this test, I am a "probable transsexual."  Loving clothes and shoes doesn't really mean you have more of a female mind.  I am not trying to give you a hard time.  I am glad you like the things that you do, but I wouldn't say those things make you a female.  There are plenty of females who aren't into the stereotypical "girl" interests.  I understand how you feel though.  You enjoy being told you are a girl from Internet tests and you like have interests associated with women.  When I was first going through my issues, I also enjoyed being scoring within the feminine spectrum on gender tests.   I would enjoy being told that I have feminine mannerism and interests, but that never has happened.  Instead, it has been the opposite.  I have been told that there is nothing feminine about me and that I wouldn't make a pretty girl.  I didn't like that at all.  It hurt my feelings.   

Sorry for the rant.  I know it sounds like I am cracking down on you, but I am trying to help.  Many people read through posts and I don't want someone who is confused to read your post thinking that Internet tests give the definite answer in regards to gender.  Good luck in your transition.  I hope you are successful. 

normal trans person

That's an oxymoron.

Quote from: Alyssa M. on January 31, 2011, 03:45:50 PM
Trans people are, by definition, abnormal: We do not fit into society's norms about gender. If we did, we wouldn't need a support group to talk about it. Of course, being abnormal is actually a good thing. I would hate to live in a society populated only by normal people. How dreadful that would be. Luckily, most people are abnormal. In fact, I might go so far as to say it's pretty normal to be abnormal. I think I might have met a few people in my life who weren't abnormal -- they're weird.

As for "hating your body" or not, I wouldn't worry about it. I think that part it has to do partly with your definition of "hate," partly with the tendency of people to want to fit their experience into a shared narrative, and partly with differing levels of intensity of physical, social, and other kinds of dysphoria, which probably depends a whole lot both on innate biological factors and on social conditioning. I would say that your situation doesn't sound all that different from mine ... yet I would also say I that I definitely hate my bits.

This is pretty much what I'd say.  Say goodbye to normal and shoot for well-adjusted.

If I was a natal female, and I had a bubble-butt or a wart on my nose, would I hate it, or work around it?  I don't hate my genitals.  I hate my thinning hair.

I never hated my bits as they've never been right, which goes against the common theme of some.  There's well adjusted but there's also too adjusted which leads to non-functional.  Depending on the times we grow up in, for me the 1980's was a very anti-divergent time.

Quote from: Madelyn on January 31, 2011, 02:45:41 PM
I've done a lot of reading on Susan's and other sites as well, and I've read a lot of people's stories and posts where the talk about their bodies, severe depression, and even how they see their old self after transition.

When I think of my own story there are many elements I identify with; the daily 'dysphoria' about my body, wishing to be the 'right' gender (and all that means), and seeking the path of transition automatically before I even knew what that was. I've also dealt with depression on and off through my life over my gender incongruence.

But there are a lot of stories I read that seem more extreme than my experience. Those who had such an extreme time that they needed to mutilate themselves, or attempted suicide, or say they "hate" their bodies or their "bits".

I went through a stage just when I was starting puberty where I considered mutilating myself, and I certainly have felt discomfort with my bits my whole life. But I don't think I've ever "hated" my bits per se. I've wished I had a different configuration, and I can honestly say that when I look in the mirror I've never felt like "me" (sort of disapproval of myself). Even when my mom would tell me how handsome I was I felt like a fraud.

But I haven't ever hated myself, I haven't had feelings that were that strongly against my body. Even when I felt myself sinking into deeper depression and despair over being a man I don't know that I started hating my body. Of course, as soon as I felt myself sinking into dark thoughts (like that my life wasn't worth it, and that I was a fraud) I went out and got help. So maybe I would have ended up in a really dark place that others are describing.

But I guess I haven't experienced dysphoria at the same extremes as some others.

In my case I know I need to do something, because to keep living as a man is a fraud, and I feel so much better being me. When I ignore my gender incongruence it makes my life so much more difficult. It's disappointing for me to live a lie. I desperately want to reshape my life into how I feel it should be, and live my lifelong dream. But I don't hate my past, actually I feel some gratitude for the life I was given, despite the pain associated with my gender identity.

If I don't transition will I commit suicide? I honestly don't know. I have people in my life that I love so much I don't think I could do that to them. If I had to choose between living life as a non-transitioned trans person, or not live life at all would I choose death? I can't say that I would, because apart from the cloud that hangs over me from being in the wrong gender, I am surrounded by beautiful people, and many wonderful memories with them.

I don't feel "attached" to my male bits, or my male body, and I certainly disapprove of it when I look in the mirror. I cannot wait until things feel right. But I don't hate my body, my life, nor my past either I don't think. Those things just are what they are. I will change what I can, and accept and learn from what I cannot.

Does this sound weird to you?

I feel similar to you. I don't hate my body or my male parts I just don't feel it is the right body.

I do fear of how I may feel as I get older.

I don't feel like I'm any different than anyone else here. We're all in the same boat.