Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Thsi letter was written by my mother when I was 12, in it she expressed many things I with were still true today. It was written for a spiritual retirement camp's exercise where our parents had to tell us what they felt about us. I though it would be worth it to share it...

QuoteHello dear.

How are you doing today at the camp? I hope you're feeling great and that you're enjoying it. Remember that the most important is to be near God. I think, what can I tell you that I haven't told you already? That I love you so much to the point where my heart hurts for feeling such a great love, but it's such a beautiful pain, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this great world.

The most precious gift I've gotten in life is you, an I always thank god for it.

You're now 12, and those have been the best 12 years of my life thanks to you because you provide me the love nad happiness that only god can give us an I know that when I feel that happiness, God feels it too and he's happy.
I'd like to know if you're happy as well...
I've told you many times that you were created in my womb with all the love that you needed to be bornm I talked with you when I was rpegnant, adn people stared at me, perhaps thinking I was crazy, and maybe yes, I was, but it was because of the great miracle that was growing inside me.
I must confess that I feel very proud of you because I know that few mothers have children like you.
You're smart and brilliant, even though sometimes you let yourself to be defeated by lazyness or overconfidence and because of it things don't go the way you planned, but thankfully you have the skills to react quickly and fix what you did wrong, but remember that it's better to do things right from a start so you don't have to fix anything later.

I see you in a future as an independent man full of achievements for the ones you're fighting, don't let yourself to be defeated at all, remeber that on this world there are good and bad things, and from both you can learn taking only what's useful for us and the rest must be throw away.

Keep love.

Keep that friend who gives you his honest friendshipp, and always remember that it doesn't matter if you only have one single friend, because good friends can be counted with the fingers of your hand, and there'll always be many fingers left out.

My greatest dream is that when I'm gone you can remember me with love and you say "my mother always loved me, and everyday I felt it that way`.

I ask you to forgive me for the times I've mistreated you with offenses and beatings and always remember that it's me who has been more hurt by it because I love you so much and I don't want anything to hurt you.

You're starting a new chapter in your life, enjoy it, because it fades away fast. I don't want that when you're an adult, you look back in your life and say that you didn't enjoy it and you missed so many things.

But I also want you to remember that it has to be done carefully so nothing wrong happens to you, because you know that my reason to live is you and that's how I still want it to be. Because of and for you, and remember, in the good, bad and worst scenarios, I'm here for you: your friend, and mother, and I'll love you forever.

Your mom.

6 years later (1 hour ago), my mom leaves this over my desk:

QuoteI, Alice xxxxxxx disown my son xxxxxxxxxxxx, from today he has no moral, emotional or financial responsibility over me, and the same goes from me towards him.

Alice xxxxx

People...

Oh Hun.

Be strong, we is here if you need us

Internet hugz be not as good as those in person, but have as many as you need.

well maybe you should look into going the college in El Nothe.  Or maybe move in with Dad.  I forget if that went well or not.

Well, hold onto that piece of paper.
Maybe you'll have the opportunity later to offer it to your mother to eat.

Wow, ouch I'm sorry.  That really stinks. 

Obviously she had your whole life planned out for you.  Good for you for being your own person instead of her puppet.

Hi Iceprincess

It's very heart wrenching to hear that your mother of all people has disowned you.  From reading your others posts in regards to your current situation you need to move out and take care of the most important person in your life.  That is you.  If you do then you will not have the destructive influence of your mother that is causing so much angst in your life at the moment.  Go and work and or live with your father and of course go to college.  By doing so you will succeed beyond your wildest dreams.

In regards to the letter your mum wrote about you when you were 12.  Maybe give your mum a copy of the letter that she wrote to you, not the original. 

Take care and look after yourself.

Kindest regards
Sarah B

That's just sad.  When she mentioned God as the most important thing in her first letter I had a feeling something like that might happen.  Whatever you do, keep on kicking.  We're here for you.

This makes me so sad :( *hugs*

I could never disown my child. How do people do that! And I was definitely cringing at the god spiel. Those types tend to be the most hypocritical.

I'm already working on getting out of here, I'm trying to get my dad's support to get out of here and I'm also in contact with local LGBT activists to see if they can help me somehow. Point is, I'd rather let my mother rot in hell than letting her get in my way any longer.

Quote from: Iceprincess on February 04, 2011, 05:09:26 PM
I'm already working on getting out of here, I'm trying to get my dad's support to get out of here and I'm also in contact with local LGBT activists to see if they can help me somehow. Point is, I'd rather let my mother rot in hell than letting her get in my way any longer.

>:( Tell her you'd rather be a woman in Hell than a man in Heaven, that seems to get the point across.

Naa it didn't, we had a fight after she gave me that letter and I said "I'd rather be a dead man if I can't be a girl" and then she said "then kill yourself, go on, you'd be doing me a favor".

For what it's worth I at least still have my dad.

Quote from: Iceprincess on February 04, 2011, 05:29:41 PM
.... "I'd rather be a dead man if I can't be a girl" and then she said "then kill yourself, go on, you'd be doing me a favor".

Oh dear I am SO sad to hear that! That is just TERRIBLE!

My own mother said that to me when I was 24 and had the chance to have surgery. That was the moment when I realized that SHE had a problem bigger than mine! I went on and had surgery and have lived a wonderful life since then (37 years) and she missed out on knowing an extraordinary daughter. I hope you situation has a happier ending.

Try not to have any more agruments with her. They will just lead to more bitterness.

Try very hard.

That's so sad. All through our youth we're typically told about the unconditional love parents have for their children, but when push comes to shove it's not always true. Just always remember she's the one with the problem, not you. *hugs*

Unfortunately many of us have experienced "conditional" love.  We are loved as long as we conform to a parent's "image" for us.  My dad was brutal to his family.  My mom was fearful of dad.  I am sorry for your pain.

I'm so saddened by this story Iceprincess. But I also am really inspired by your courage in finding a way to get out from under your mom's abuse and into a safe and stable place.

I know you have a good life ahead of you, I'm just really sorry to hear of how badly things are going with your mom. It sounds like she has some serious issues of her own that are not being addressed.

My heart goes out to you. *BIG HUG*

Oh, dear... I am very disheartened by this.

Back in my Christian phase, I read the entire New Testament and about half of the Old Testament. I diligently studied every text and interpretation I could find even remotely regarding ->-bleeped-<-. There is one passage that talks about how a "man shouldn't wear women's clothing, or a woman wear men's clothing," but it's an incomplete translation. The original text says "a man shouldn't wear women's clothing to enter a tent and a women shouldn't wear men's clothing and cut her hair to join the army" (rough paraphrase there). That's about it. I assume that your mom's fears manifesting themselves as pure vitriol she's basing on her religion? Many Christians don't bother learning why they believe what they believe, but they just know they feel wrong about it, so it MUST be God telling them it's wrong. This isn't the view of all Christians, but I've encountered enough to recognize the behavior.

If you're able and willing, maybe you could try to have a calm, honest conversation with her about why she felt it was necessary to write the note. If she tries to bring religion into it, maybe you could ask what passages she's interpreting this from or ask her for some time to do your own research. I think for me, I'd lack the amount of patience it would take to try to be the rational one, but if you can muster it, try. It could be that she's full of hate, in which case, leave with no regrets. However, if her reaction and that letter were based on fear, uncertainty, misguided faith, or a belief that she had some other plan for your life, you may not want to throw away your entire relationship with her.

I don't know you or your family situation, but I truly wish you the best. I'm estranged from my family because of unresolved issues with being physically abused by my father as a child, but I really wish that I hadn't cut myself off emotionally from them. Angry words and arguments can be forgotten as long as you stay around to heal together, but walking away just cauterizes the wound and leaves you with scars that will never heal.

So sorry to hear this princess.

I have to admit sending a copy of the 12 yr old original back to her with 'Letter from a Hypocrite' written across it.

But I also Know that when that situation developed for, although not as nasty, I left the country and made a new life.

I hope you have a wonderful, contented and happy life, Princess.

Hugs
Cindy

I'll find a way through, I'm already in contact with a trans activist who has a lot of power on the national LGBT community and knows a lot of people, hopefully she can help me somehow.

And TBH at this point I'm willing to do whatever it takes to transition, I don't care about anyone's opinion anymore, and if it means I have to do extreme things to achieve transition, I don't care, I'm doing what I have to do.

Quote from: Iceprincess on February 04, 2011, 11:58:08 PM
I'll find a way through, I'm already in contact with a trans activist who has a lot of power on the national LGBT community and knows a lot of people, hopefully she can help me somehow.

And TBH at this point I'm willing to do whatever it takes to transition, I don't care about anyone's opinion anymore, and if it means I have to do extreme things to achieve transition, I don't care, I'm doing what I have to do.

Iceprincess.

I am so proud of you.

That is wonderful. I can't find the words to express my admiration for you at the moment.

In situations like this one (I am *SO* sorry you're having to endure this.) I prefer to share a beautiful concept from the Jewish faith:

QuoteGay or straight; man or woman; black or white; rich or poor — all are created in God's image — in Hebrew, b'tzelem elohim.  Being created b'tzelem elohim carries with it both responsibilities and privileges.  As God's children, descended from ultimate royalty, we need to conduct ourselves with highest standards of interpersonal morality, kindness and compassion for others.  Towards others, also bearing God's image, we are required to act in a way that reflects the dignity befitting another child of God, our spiritual sister or brother.  Being a religious person means that we must recognize, and act upon, the Godliness in ourselves, and in each other.

Quote from: Squirrel698 on February 04, 2011, 03:48:41 PM

Obviously she had your whole life planned out for you.  Good for you for being your own person instead of her puppet.

I agree completely.

It seems she loved who she thought, and wanted you to be.  I'm really sorry.

It sounds like your Mom is a Christian.  Here is the argument to use with Christians.

This is from John 6:40, Jesus at the last supper:

And this is the will of him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day.

Jesus says the same thing in about 8 other places.  The only thing you need do is believe in him.

In Matthew 7:1 Jesus says,
Judge not lest ye be judged.

If you believe in Jesus, it is not for any other Christian to judge you.  That judgment is for the Lord to make.  Any Christian who takes it upon herself to judge another Christian breaks the First Commandment by putting their own judgment before God's.

*hugs* girl.

I have similar issues and have received similar letters from my mom

It's really sad to me that in so many religious circles christianity ≠ "Christ" or anything He was about. :(

I'm sorry. :( I imagine how my own mom is going to react, it's really sickening.

I attend with my wife a Christian bible study group each week with about 20 people.  All the people are very nice.  One lady is TS and I met her at the group, another person is a close friend of mind and is TG and I would fit TG.  That would make 15% of the group TG.  Everyone seems to accept everyone.  None of the TG folks in the group are wall flowers.

Maybe attitudes will change in the general population in the near future.

The whole 'disown' concept is a load, you know. You disown your car, or a house, or a dog. One does not just 'disown' their child. Your child is your child forever whether you like it or not. Anyone who can't see that is too immature to take care of another human being. I hope you find someone who knows how to love you.

Oh, what hypocrisy!  :o

*hugs*
I'm sorry you had to go through that, hun. No parent should ever disown their child, even if they don't agree with what they are doing. When I hear stories like this it makes me sick to my stomach. Hopefully your mother will come to her senses eventually, but in the meantime realize that you are not alone and that things will get better. From reading your posts I can tell that you are on the right track in getting the proper supports in place, and I wish you lots of luck. :)

Well people, I've got some more fuel to add to the fire pit:

My dad called me this afternoon and we had a long talk about many topics, one of them being my transition. He said that he NEVER took away his financial support towards me and my mom and that he's pissed about what happened, but not at me, at my mom for lying to the two of us and putting fake words on his mouth.

Point is, I think this is a very good chance for me to convince him of the following:

a) Transition is THE best for me, it's somewhat reversible and I won't regret it (this is what worries him the most and the reason why he doesn't wants to support me financially to transition)
b) Request asylum at his house.

So, what do you people think?

Hi Iceprincess

If you went and lived with your dad, it is possible that your mum would create more problems for you.  However, living and working for your dad while going to university would be one great advantage while you transitioned.

In terms of regret if you decided to have surgery and regret it, you must accept that it is your responsibility and yours alone and accept any consequences of that decision.  If you told your father this, I think it would help him understand that you are prepared for that eventuality.

If you paid for the surgery and other associated costs yourself then nobody can blame themselves for helping you in that way.  Which is probably why your dad does not want to help you in this way.

Go and request asylum at his house, I believe the alternatives would not be as good.  One other thing keep talking to your dad, because he is a very kind and understanding person.

Kindest regards
Sarah B

Wait a second... How exactly could she create problems for me? I'm interested on knowing more about this...

Once I move out, I'd change my mobile phone number so she wouldn't be able to contact me, and if she tries to disturb me, my dad or my stepbrothers, we're not gonna stay there with our arms crossed...

Hi Iceprincess

I said:

Quote from: Sarah B on February 12, 2011, 11:26:58 PM
If you went and lived with your dad, it is possible that your mum would create more problems for you. 

I said this because, your mum has been causing you nothing but trouble and might continue to do so.  However, as you mentioned in your above post, changing your number and getting your Dad and step brothers to help you, I think your mum will not hassle you in that case.

Sorry if I confused you.

Kind regards
Sarah B

It's ok, thanks for clearing that up :]

Hi IcePrincess,

I know this topic is very old, i've only just read it myself. I'm not sure how things have progressed with your mother but perhaps, and I don't know if this has been suggested yet, if you have the first letter she gave you, give it back to her with that last part circled about how she lives for you and the in the good, bad and "worst" scenarios. Ask her where her meaning in those words went when she wrote you that second letter.  Ask her where her love went when life through a curveball for her child!

Just what I would want to say if  I had those letters.

I hopes things are going a bit better since this post.

I too just read this thread and it touched my heart so deeply and resonated with me, for reason that I won't publicly speak of at this time. My prayer and heart go out to you IcePrincess, for I too have seen a mother's love turn to hate.

QuoteI ask you to forgive me for the times I've mistreated you with offenses and beatings and always remember that it's me who has been more hurt by it because I love you so much and I don't want anything to hurt you.

She wrote these words 6 years ago, and I suppose all I can say is, take them to heart, and forgive her, even if she chooses not to accept it, and move on.

May your path be filled with love

Huggles

Toni-Lynn