Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My mother in law has recently been feeding my 3 1/2 year old daughter lines such as:

"Boys are only pretty if they want to be sissy la-la's."
"Well, your Daddy is a man! (insert comment on how men have to fix things)."
"Little girls don't play with Buzz Lightyear."

And beating the gender binary into her through admonition of so-called tomboy acts.

This upsets me so badly because I am part time (even around my daughter) right now, and I have always viewed myself as a female, but kind of a tomboy female (the things we tell ourselves to avoid dysphoria ::)). My mother in law lives with us right now, knows about the way that I am, and still can not wrap her little brain around the matter. She thinks I'm a man that just likes to wear woman's clothes. If she reinforces these stereotypes into my daughter things will become more difficult for my baby to understand as I continue my transition. My daughter's age and current unquestionable devotion are big reasons for my decision to transition NOW.

Also, I have to find something for my daughter to call me than "daddy" or "daddy girl." I feel I deserve something more than "friend" or just a name, and I will respect my wife by not adopting any derivation of "mom."

Any thoughts on how to correct the behavior of a sexist old lady? Or how to go about telling your child the differences between boys and girls in a way that will be more conducive to a trans family environment?

I think it's simply a case of you need to set it straight with your mother in law. Your daughter isn't her daughter; If you're not happy with what she's teaching her then you've every right to step in and ask her not to do that.

I'd clear it with your wife/the mother, though. Families are weeeeeeeeird.

Agreed.

It is utterly unacceptable for your mother in law to behave in this way.

To be honest, I do sympathise for you. But my concern here is for your daughter. What your mother in law is doing is teaching her to doubt her parents. That can and will lead to a lonely insecure child.

I can tell you, that children of convicted criminals are not treated in this way. It is wrong wrong wrong.

It is actually child abuse.

Thanks for the support, I'm three seconds from kicking her out. (Hyperbole, I love it!)

I have arranged a meeting for tomorrow, she will not speak to my daughter regarding anything gender related unless my daughter engages her first. Even then, nothing concerning gender roles will be permitted beyond, "People should be able to do what they feel like doing." If she doesn't like it she can leave.

I never realized how much of a raging feminist I can be.  :)

Quote from: MarinaM on February 05, 2011, 02:31:11 PM
My mother in law has recently been feeding my 3 1/2 year old daughter lines such as:

"Boys are only pretty if they want to be sissy la-la's."

What she is saying is absolutely unacceptable. I'm glad you set up a meeting. Lines like the one I quoted above are pretty sickening. It's that type of thinking that keeps discrimination alive.

Had the meeting and I am stressed. Now she's sulking around the house and tossing things with more anger than usual. Not to mention the political discussion I'm not sure that I was allowed to have over in another thread.

No amount of makeup or clothes is gonna help this situation. I can't wait for my hormones. I feel so much like an Alpha right now that it's making me kind of sick.

Don't feel guilty Marina, you stood up for your child which is what a parent should do.

I suspect your mother in law just feels really bad because she knows how terribly wring she was.

Let it rest there. But if she does it again, (and I don't think she will), then she has to go. Your child comes first.

[Enter noseyboy] xD

Marina. Hope you dont mind me stepping in here xD

Don't worry about being 'alpha', since its not unusual for women to stand up to other women in their own home situation, especially if their child is being interfered with. Parents are NOT to be messed with! Women can actually be FAR more fiercely protective of their kids than the dads. Hell, I remember my mum giving one girl a whole EARFUL, I mean PROPER aggressively when the girl was picking on me in the street where I lived. xD I was pretty small at the time, so it was a little embarassing, but I'm proud of her for that. Theres nothing wrong with being a strong woman.

Secondly, I was always given a choice of toys as a kid; I had Polly Pocket and Thomas the Tank Engine. Barbies and Power Rangers. A toy kitchen and a play-garage. Among other things xD I dont think toys should have a gender, they should be preference based. Its a social thing that makes girls like baby-dolls and boys like cowboy hats and guns. Its learned behaviours. Toys dont make a kid what they are. Kids should be able to play with what they like, and choice is good. Your M.I.L. has no right to dictate this or impose social stereotypes on your child. PERIOD.

Hope that was more a help than a hinderance xD

[Exit noseyboy] xD

Marina, you were right to have the talk with your M-I-L, don't feel badly about that.  Everything said here so far is absolutely correct.  She is NOT the parent.  If she's not contributing to the monthly rent/mortgage, she's not the breadwinner, either. She has no right to speak to your daughter in such a manner.  It's narrow-minded and spiteful (damn near hateful!) and completely inconsiderate of you.  I wish you some small measure of peace in your life.  We all need it sometime, and you especially need it right now.  Good luck!

Thank you all, I appreciate the support. I'm trying to get a grip on family life while being the best me that I can be for my daughter.

I'm struggling to find a comfortable parental role with my daughter because of my family's weird inverted gender dependent structure (no wonder they just sweep me under the rug!), I was sheltered, and it's the only example I ever really got.

Don't give her the satisfaction of being able to bring out the man in you.

And with patches, you get a level, consistent dose of calming estrogen all the time.

Quote from: MarinaM on February 06, 2011, 03:39:30 PM
Had the meeting and I am stressed. Now she's sulking around the house and tossing things with more anger than usual. Not to mention the political discussion I'm not sure that I was allowed to have over in another thread.

No amount of makeup or clothes is gonna help this situation. I can't wait for my hormones. I feel so much like an Alpha right now that it's making me kind of sick.

Glad you talked to her. Thats just ridiculous and uncalled for.

this is easy.  Just do what the parents have always done.  Look at her and say "My house, My rules".  If she does not like it, leave.

That isn't being the ALPHA male, that is being the head of household.  And a responsible person.

You absolutely did the right thing! I hope things change because of it.

On a side note, Jerica I love your new avatar picture!

Marina, as a father of two, and now a single parent (divorced) I totally understand your plight. I had similar issues with my own parents as well as the in-laws when my children were younger. I think you have received much good advice, especially Janet's "Your house; your rules. If MIL doesn't like it, she can live elsewhere." However, despite that, rest assured that as much as your daughter looks up to her grandmother, in the long run, the two people that will definitely have THE MOST influence on her, are her parents. Research in so many different aspects of child development has shown this time and time again.

My children (and yours too) had very different personalities, likes and dislikes right out of the womb, despite their mother's or my best efforts and intentions. I could tell you stories about how a very trusted nanny who was with my daughter five days a week tried to influence her to be a girly girl who only liked pink, sequins, sparkles and bangles and high heels and such. The nanny saw my daughter as a kind of surrogate daughter that she never had (she had two boys.) Now years later, my daughter barely remembers the nanny, and no, her favorite color is no longer pink. How you think, how you act and how you show her love, the examples you set by living your life authentically, will be so much more important in her development as a person and eventually as an adult, than anything your grandmother can ever say or do.

Stand your ground  with your MIL by all means; I agree with the others. Just also know, that you WILL indeed have the last laugh so to speak, because your influence will be so much greater than anything she can bring to bear.

 ;D

Thanks y'all (internet hug!).

Gina: Rock on sista!
Jerica: I love that dress (fashion ADD).
Janet: You are such a constant source of advice and inspiration, I'm so glad you're here for us.

Lance: I see that kind of thing every day and it makes me so sad. It's very trivial too: I work for a basketball team that uses purple (predominately, lucky me!) and some parents won't buy their little boys any jerseys based purely on the color. As for your brother, I wish he was my brother, I would paint his nails and give him fashion tips and take away the tool boxes 'cause sometimes a lady needs some tools. ;) He doesn't have to like certain things to be a man (I assume he does not have GID).

Blair: Thanks for lookin' in. :)
Chrishoney: Great story, I hope that my baby develops a great deal of tolerance and can look back and say things like "my two mommies taught me to respect the preferences of other people, we're all human."

Well. If I missed you I'm sorry. I'm happy to be able to talk to you all.

Quote from: MarinaM on February 08, 2011, 02:21:52 AM
Jerica: I love that dress (fashion ADD).

LOL thanks. I am guessing you're talking about when my avatar was of the new red dress I bought.

I wore it to work today with black tights, heels, and a shrug. ;)