Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Well, awhile back I told my mom about Jocelyn (and came out about being bisexual) and she had a pretty nasty reaction to that (I'm trying to keep it brief for you!)

It's been about four months since I told her and I came downstate to vistit this week (I haven't been here since last May) and my worst fear occurred, which was that she brought up the subject and had a fierce argument with me.

She's saying that Jocelyn is being selfish by laying her problems (of course she was using male pronouns, but for clarity's sake I'm using the female pronouns) on me and that I'm an idiot to be in a relationship with her because she's only going to dump me for a man when everything is said and done. She said that Jocelyn is holding me back (which is so not true, I've gone back to college and made dean's list, which looks like progress in my book!) and that she's turned me into an oddity and she will never accept my decision. She really said the most horrible things to me...she compared me to a homeless schizophrenic that refuses to take her medicine who happens to have the same name I do. She told me to "have fun" when I finally realize that Jocelyn's only using me and breaks my heart when she's done with me. 

I tried to explain why I feel the way I do and I tried to educate her about GID but she only scoffed at me and said that l could've just as easily fell in love with someone else and that self-mutilation(referring to SRS) would of course be a mental disorder and it's still as disgusting.  She said that the hormones would make Jocelyn want women and blamed my supposed "sexual confusion" on my polycystic ovary syndrome (which is caused by a conflict of hormone levels) because homosexuality simply isn't the natural state of things.

She told me that I shouldn't have told her about it in the first place and that I was a mean and selfish daughter to "burden" her with the information. She told me to spare any more upsetting news even if it was something like "being pregnant with quadruplets fathered by space aliens".

I went for a very long walk to cool off and when I came back she was all like "I'm sorry. I didn't want to fight with you, I won't ever bring it up again. Just make sure that whatever situation you are in that you are able to support yourself."  As if that was supposed to make up for all of it.  I almost wished she had simply disowned me, because now my life it even more complicated.  I can't ever bring Jocelyn around my family, I can't tell anyone else in my family (because my mom made me promise) and as a result, I will never get to share the happy announcement of marrying the one I love, and will, in fact, have to keep my marriage a secret.

The worst part is that even if I hadn't told her about Jocelyn, I'm sure we still would've argued because nothing I do or plan to do is ever good enough for her. She would just constantly talk about all the people she knows who are younger, more successful (read: wealthy), and smarter than me and why whoever I'm dating wasn't good enough, either.  I just don't know what to do about any of this. If Jocelyn realizes that she's really attracted to guys in the next five years and leaves me, at least it'll be awhile before my heart gets broken. My mom is only one I know that frequently and consistently breaks my heart.

I just don't know what to do about any of this anymore. Should I marry Jocelyn and keep it a secret? Should I not marry Jocelyn so that I don't have to keep it a secret? Should I not marry Jocelyn until I see what effect the hormones have on her?  Would be too late to marry her then (legally)? This is all so horrible. I feel like I'm falling apart!

Hugs honey, you need them. Go get a hug from Jocelyn. Try not to think about it for the rest of the night. Then come back and read more of we here at Susan's offer for support.

Hang in there!

I have to work for another 2 hours so will get back to your questions then.

Caring for your hurts at this torturous time.

Hugs,
Peggiann

Angel,

Woah girl.  You've laid a lot on the table tonight haven't you?  Look, your mother is your mother. She worries that you are not becoming her vision of you.  That's what moms do. They want the very best for thier kids.... and sometimes can be very vocal about it.  Cut her some slack, tell her you love her and let her opinions stay with her after you leave.

If you love your partner, then do what you must to seal the union.  Don't hold yourself to a promise not to tell anyone.  Tell everyone.  Let them think what they will. Otherwise, they will hear it through the gossip vine.  The healing begins with the official announcement.  Remember, this is YOUR life to live, not theirs.  Love is unique for every person and it is the most wonderful thing in the world.  If you love Jocelyn, so be it.  Love and cherish her with your whole being.

Cheer up my dear.  Life is beautiful.  You are beautiful.  And you are in love.  What else in life means anything compared to that? 

Chin up!

Cindi

Oh hon,
I'm sorry you are going through that.  I'm probably not the best one to give advice on dealing with parents like that, since I have been unsuccessful with my own, but I can at least offer some words of comfort.  I think Cidi did give some good advice, since it fell in line with my gut feelings on the situation.  It really sounds like she was venting and now you at least know how she really feels.  If you and Jocelyn are in love, then you should get married.  Don't let her spiteful words destroy a relationship like you have, especially when that's exactly what she wants.  As you said, she is the only one who consistently breaks your heart.  I think many parents don't realize that they actually harm their children in the ways that they go about trying to save their children from harm.  Here are some hugs and hopefully that will help somewhat at least. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

P.S. Never criticized yourself.  There are so many other people who will be perfectly willing to do so--like your mother--and you need to save your strength for those moments. :)

Melissa

  Wow...that's so sad.  I'm very sorry that your mom went off on you like that...it was totally unfair and cruel.  It sounds like to me that your mom has some deep seated issues of her own to work out and took it out on you.  No mother should ever speak to her child like that...ever...no excuse.

  Your mom may know you better than I do but she doesn't see the person I see.  You are an intelligent, compassionate and special woman so try to let the  mean things she said go.  They aren't a realistic picture of you or your life and you know that so it goes back to the old "sticks and stones" addage. 

  My advice is to just be true to yourself and don't try to carry people who want to tear you down along for the ride.  I know it's easier said than done but it can be done.

I think SO's have a harder time with parents than those of us going through transition. At least our own parents have a pretty clear choice - love your child or leave your child. SO's parents think they can dissuade their child (out of love) from an unpopular choice.

Don't marry just because you think marriage is a necessary end to love. Think about what marriage means. Do you want to marry or do you want to live together and commit? One of my straight, non-trans friends only got married after gay marriage was allowed because she said "you said to me once, would you join a golf club that didn't allow blacks? That's what straights getting married when some people are denied marriage is like." I don't remember saying that to her, but nonetheless....marriage isn't for everyone, be it because of political beliefs or because that's not how they think of their relationship. You can still love and not be married. That's my marriage rant. Oh, and don't do it just to piss off your parents. Marry if you want to, and for no other reason.

Your mother loves you and she's using whatever tactics she can to save you from what she thinks is hurt. It's hard to get through, but just respond as reasonably as you can and time will make it better. My mother called me mentally ill, sick, and lots of other stuff to try and dissuade me from transitioning. Once it happened, she got over that and now is one of my biggest allies. My only response was to say, as calmly as I could, that I knew she was worried about me, but I really did know what was best, and that (in my case), the medical professionals agreed with me.

/hugs

Dennis

First,

^*HUG*

Second,

Live YOUR life, not the life your mother or ANYONE else wishes you to live.

Third,

Marry the person you love, I thinks.

Just as a side note about ts sexual orientation I really don't think it changes all that much, which is to say it doesn't change at all just the TSes understanding/perception of it floats about a little bit in the beginning.  As you yourself knows, just because someone is female does not mean they MUST be attracted to guys. Also, kind of as a side note, I do not think hormones have an effect on sexual orientation, rather it is the mental rearrangement we go though throwing out all (or most as case may be) of the male facade.

Forth,

^*HUG*


Fifth,

Um, promises er stink.
However I prefer to abide by them, as such ^*shrug* I guess your mother wrote out the majority of your life.  HER choice. Er, I will leave it at that as I do not think I can offer any advice of value.


Er,

Whatever else can be said, relax. I do not think it is as bad as it seems.


Hang in there kiddo...