Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I want nothing more than to have a strong "father and son" relationship with my dad. I've always found it hard to get close to him because he's fairly awkward as a person, and before I came out as trans even to myself, I'd always been a very awkward person. But looking at my dad and my brother, I find I really envy their relationship. I keep wishing I could have grown up and been raised the same way he was, rather than as a "delicate flower" of a daughter.

I'm pretty sure my dad suspects something is up. I'm assuming he thinks I'm just stressing out over my mom's death a year and a bit ago. You know, going through an identity crisis of sorts. He's seen my hair cut, the men's leather jacket I wear, and even though I've always worn primarily men's clothing, he's noticed I've completely stopped wearing women's fashion.

But, bringing up the conversation terrifies me. He's probably just starting to get used to the idea that his one and only daughter is attracted to women. I guess throwing this in his face wouldn't be too much harder for him...

My dad's not a scary guy. He's not a jerk, he's not mean, he's a great, sensitive, quiet man, who was raised in a very Catholic family. He personally doesn't follow any faith and keeps an open mind but he's ... naive, to the whole queer world. He'd have a hard time understanding.

I think what I want to tell him is that I want to be his son, that I'd make a better son than I've ever made a daughter. That my whole life has made sense through a boy's perspective while being forced into a pink box labelled "girl". I want to tell him that for once in my life I am truly proud of myself and completely satisfied with living in my body when I portray myself as a man, when I am read by others as a man and treated as though I am a man. I genuinely, in my heart, feel as though I am a man.

But I'm afraid of losing his respect... I'm afraid of freaking him out, disturbing him, making him think I'm some kind of freak. He obviously has heard of the word transsexual, but I highly doubt he has ever even heard the term transgender. He probably assumes all "trannies" are just drag queens who dress up in heels after hours and dance in gay bars.

I guess... I don't know what I'm asking for really. Advice. Courage. Pats on the back, jeers, suggestions, anything... I'm sure a lot of you in this community have been here before. I just looke dat myself in the mirror and saw myself as a man, saw myself as I want to be, welled with pride and suddenly filled with anxiety when I realized I can't be a man if I'm not a son first.

I think that you explained that rather clearly.
I think that you just need a chance to explain it your father that way.
Good luck.

Since you have a basic relationship, can you possibly try to develop what is there, along more masculine type lines.

Let him have his daughter, but as his daughter, share with him some of the more male aspects of your life. If you can, take him to a man's bar for example.

I will say, I tried so very hard to get my own dad to accept me as his daughter. I didn't discuss it with him, but it was fairly obvious. In my case, it didn't work. But my relationship with him was never close. He never regarded me as his son, or expressed any pride in me. So there was very little to work with.

I'm saying that because I understand how difficult the situation is. I really understand how difficult it is to just come out to him and say what you are.

Maybe leave some literature laying around so he can read it on his own and that will give him time to think before he talks to you. Also have you told your brother?

Renate: Thanks :) I guess you're right, I suppose I could wait a bit until he starts to get more suspicious and asks me what's going on haha.

Spacial and M2MtF2FtM, both are great suggestions. And no, I haven't said anything to my brother. I think he'll come after my dad.

You have it all in your OP, sounds like you're just scared of letting him down, but how can being you do that? It's something most of us go through but it's not rational. If he is the man you say he is then he will get through it. Just be brave and be honest.

Hey buddy, I know exactly what you mean.

But sadly I am not sure how to go about it since I am having trouble myself. I have been out as FTM for uhh like 3+ years and on T for 1+ year... in a week I am about to have surgery... and I have yet to have this discussion with my dad. Hahahah. He knows about what's going on and we talk on a regular basis since he calls almost every weekend, he even calls me Jay (but spells it "J"). He still treats me like his daughter especially around my sisters he likes to call us his "3 girls", though sometimes it is funny when other people are there and are like "who tf is the other one" hahah.

Strange though, this week my stepdad drove me out of town to my pre-op appointment and on the whole trip he called me Jayson and even used him/he when he called my mom on the way back. I feel like I have a better male bond with my stepdad than my own dad.

As much as I would love for my dad to see me as his only son, I don't think he ever will. Even with my voice, beard and soon to be flat chest I am still his little girl :/

Also:

Quote from: Ryan D on February 06, 2011, 07:34:32 PM
...and suddenly filled with anxiety when I realized I can't be a man if I'm not a son first.

don't bother waiting around for one person to see you a certain way, even if it is your dad. Become the man you want to be and eventually if you're lucky you he can gain new son.

Most fathers and sons really bond over work.

Quote from: tekla on February 11, 2011, 03:07:29 PM
Most fathers and sons really bond over work.

This is absolutely true.

The next time he plans to do something in the yard, shed, or garage offer him your help. Tell him you want to learn from him. Plan a trip to a sporting event, seek out the nearest body of water with him for going fishing or skiing. Helping him feel as though he is passing along his work ethic and core values will help create the bond you're searching for.

Quote from: JayUnit on February 11, 2011, 02:44:59 PM
As much as I would love for my dad to see me as his only son, I don't think he ever will. Even with my voice, beard and soon to be flat chest I am still his little girl :/

That's what I worry about.
Either that or my old man will just be too confused to know what to see me as other than his flesh and blood. I'm scared he'll see it as another family member lost.

I've always been the offspring who helps my dad out with outdoorsy work, like lawn cutting, putting up storage sheds in the backyard, tinkering with the car. I ripped off the bumper of the car once, my buddy and I hoisted it back on and when my dad found out he lectured me by "making me learn to fix it". We just chilled in the garage and fixed the bumper. It was pretty sweet.

And he's pretty proud I've decided to take after him career-wise. I'm doing exactly what he did and pretty much exactly the same way too. Not because I want him to be proud of me, but because I actually want to spend my life doing it.

Somehow I think I've always been more the "ideal son" than my brother, who's mostly been an antisocial shut-in who couldn't give to craps about family.

So I came up with a plan to come out. I'll maybe make a new thread when I do it.

But tomorrow I'm going over to my dad's for an hour or so just to pick some stuff up and chill for a bit. I'm thinking I'll print out the picture in my signature, fold the page in half like a card and hand write a note inside explaining it pretty much the way I did in my OP. Simply tell him I am who I was but without the costume, the make up, the clothes, the fake feminine attitude. That I'm still his child but have always felt more like a son, that being a "girl" doesn't suit my style so to speak.

I'll also leave a couple of references for him to look into if he's confused, tell him he can talk to his sister-in-law with whom he and I are both very close. And maybe I'll tell him I hope he may come to an understanding and accept me as his son but if he can't I hope he'll be there to at least care about me as his child. And obviously tell him I care about him, his feelings and needs, his role in this and that no matter what I'll always need him in my life as my father...

So what do you guys think? My family is pretty bad at communicating important things and usually my brother and I leave it to my parents to just figure out on their own. So actually sitting him down and explaining it to him will result in a lot of frustration, tears, and misundertanding. And possibly an explosive argument. Writing a letter is probably the easiest way. Especially if I incorporate some artwork into it, since he's pretty proud of my art and it might help him understand that I'm still me...

I like it and maybe if you think he will like your concern for him then make a copy of this thread too.
God Bless you and your Dad

Good luck with your dad, and let us know how things work out.
My dad and I are really close, and I'm worried about losing that connection with him.  We were headed to visit my grandmother today, and on the way the topic of my brother and how we're similar/different came up.  My dad said that he notices my brother being more like my mother and me being more like him and then added that it's almost scary how I am so much like him.  I really wanted to bring it up then, but yeah, I chickened out.  Like you, I'm afraid of making him uncomfortable around me.  I guess all we can do is try to educate them and hope that their love carries over. 

As for the suggestion of doing "guy things" with him, it really does feel good to be accepted through that, even as a "daughter."  If it's hard to talk to him, that sounds like it'd be a good first step.