Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, as the title states.  What I mean is, do you ever think you feel your penis?  Like, every once and a while, I think I feel it and it freaks me out for a second.  I am just about a year postop, a couple weeks out.

Am I alone on this one, or does this happen to any of you?

Hi Valerie

I never had any phantom feelings in regards to what was down there after my surgery  However, a couple of months or years after surgery I do not remember exactly, but I had a couple of dreams about it being back in a sense and I was struggling to work it out, it was unsettling to say the least until one night,  it was really vivid and I then woke up and realised it was a dream (something like that) and ever since then nothing. Yes!  No, I cannot remember what it was like to have it (its been 20 years) and even to think about it sends shivers down my spine and a sickly feeling washing over me.

So your first birthday is coming up?  Cherish the moment as I cannot remember mine!  Take care and all the best for the future.

Kind regards
Sarah B

I've got to agree with what Sarah B said, but you shouldn't worry because I'm sure you aren't alone. I've heard of this before.

Cherish you first birthday indeed. I realised the other day that I'm now a lot closer to 30 years postop than 20.

I never had a phantom in fact, I struggled to recall what the damn thing felt like within a few minutes of it being gone. I was kind of reversed to you in that all my life I have dreamed of myself as a female including having female organs (almost every single night of my life). When I used to wake up and find I wasn't it used disturb me, but of course post SRS I no longer had that problem. :)

In the early days I used to have a nasty dream in which the surgery became kind of detached and I could pull all the insides out. That was disturbing and icky. Luckily I didn't have those dreams for too long. I think sometimes the subconscious has to work out the remnants of a trauma, and after that the dreams or phantoms will cease.

The phenomenon is quite common - I believe medical literature refers to it as "missing limb syndrome" and most amputees experience it.

My "wiring" was always screwy and that ugly little growth always seemed more foreign to me and not like a part of me. Strangely, after surgery, I was still aware of the minor differences in what I felt between what was there and what should have been there.

Your first birthday? How wonderful! Enjoy it!

(April 15 will be my 37th re-birth day  ;D )

I have always wondered about this. Since they take the nerves and relocate them it made me think possibly you could get that feeling. ugh...I hope I don't get that!

Its an interesting point, I can't say I actually got phantom pains after my surgery but I do remember having dreams my penis was back, them Id wake up and discover it was only a dream, no penis there  just my vagina, Im now nearly 26years post op this year and its like I never had it.
Unlike some trans women I never actually hated my penis, it was the last surgery I had done which my Mother wanted done more than me at the time so I could be a ''normal woman'', it just completed my transition and also ment that I could finally have a normal hetrosexual relationship with men and have a boyfriend, Im now married to a guy who has only known me and fully excepts me as a woman.
Congratulations on your first year as a complete woman, as Sarah has said cherish the moment, just enjoy finally being a girl!
Pauline

Nope, never have....maself....

But its well documented for amputation folk re key limbs arms/legs etc...but that would include bones et al...

And all yer ole stuff is not discarded but re assimilated so you've lost nothing so to speak.. with new vaginas....?

But clits are micro penises.... so i wouldn't fret too much me thinks anyways... if i had been struck down with the occasional twing....

I occasionally get a feeling of pressure, and that what I had before is somehow 'trapped' under the skin down there, which I suppose it actually is now, so it doesn't worry me.

I may be speaking out of turn here, but if I ever managed to get the ugly bit attended to, I doubt I will miss anything other than the daily resentment.

They say some people have negative feelings that can become comfortable, like an old shoe. I have a pair of old shoes, 22 years old, very nice. Worn and tatty, but so good to wear. I just don't see how that can be equated to negativity.

But I'm rambling now.

I wanted to clarify that it's not a pain.  It's just that I get a feeling, and it feels like something is there.  It's weird.  It's almost like it's not my penis I'm feeling.  This is kinda weird, but it feels more like my penis bumped my thigh.  That's kinda what it feels like.  I almost feel like it's more on my thigh than in my vagina.

I know that was kinda gross/weird, but I had to explain it better.

I certainly understood you Valerie. It's just that I cant imagine what that feels like, because instead of a phantom penis afterward, I had a phantom vagina before and I genuinely used to find it impossible to understand and make sense of any feelings that came from the penis. It was as if my brain could not relate the sensations to its own map somehow.

All I can say, is to reiterate that I have heard of others who describe what you are experiencing and most, if not all of them, found that the feelings later subsided. So my guess is that it is just something to do with the brain having to relearn its internal body map. Mine was clearly a bit mixed up from the start - so perhaps I had less to "unlearn" I guess.

Hi Valerie

As others have said they have this feeling or sense after surgery that it is still there.  For me this feeling occurred at night in my dreams, but left a very confused and worrying feeling in myself.  To the extent maybe that I still had to have surgery.

So what you mentioned in your second post:

Quote from: Valerie Elizabeth on February 12, 2011, 12:29:08 PM
I wanted to clarify that it's not a pain.  It's just that I get a feeling, and it feels like something is there.  It's weird.  It's almost like it's not my penis I'm feeling.  This is kinda weird, but it feels more like my penis bumped my thigh.  That's kinda what it feels like.  I almost feel like it's more on my thigh than in my vagina.

Is just your description of what some of us go through after surgery.  However you have the advantage of being able to deal with it maybe sooner than maybe the rest of us, so you can go about not having to worry any more about that aspect of your life.

I believe I resolved this particular issue with myself by doing the following (in private of course).  Put your hand down to your private parts and physically check (actually really grope down there) to make sure that it is, "still not there" and at the same time think extremely strong thoughts while doing the touching exercises that it is, "not there" and of course time will also play a part in this 'healing process'.   After doing this once or maybe twice, I never had this phantom feeling in my dreams ever again. I don't think I ever had those feelings when I was awake.

I hope this helps you and if it does or you find another way to get rid of this feeling, it would of course help others who have a similar situation, by sharing what you have learned.

Take care and remember you will be all right.

Kindest regards
Sarah B

Hi,

I've never felt this either, I had a bad dream the other week about waking and the whole lot unfolding and coming undone. So unnerving and glad to wake up. I'm a little like Jenny in that I seemed to have a brain that mapped a vagina instead of a penis. I am coming up 7 months post op and I can't remember having male anatomy it seems like what I have has always been. So my mind map was always kind of female.

Stardust

Quote from: Sarah B on February 12, 2011, 03:11:33 PM
  For me this feeling occurred at night in my dreams, but left a very confused and worrying feeling in myself.  To the extent maybe that I still had to have surgery

Thats exactly what I mean Sarah, I dreamed my penis was still there, but when I wake up its not, but no pain, you explain it very well.
p

Thank you Pauline and I must apologise for not fully understanding what you said in your post namely:

Quote from: pretty pauline on February 12, 2011, 07:53:15 AM
Its an interesting point, I can't say I actually got phantom pains after my surgery but I do remember having dreams my penis was back, them Id wake up and discover it was only a dream, no penis there  just my vagina.

As far as I can remember I never had any phantom pains either.  I only had a couple of those dreams and I think by the time morning had come I had basically forgotten about the dream, but somehow they left a worrying thought in my mind until one time the dream was real vivid and I remembered the dream and then I did the physical check that I mentioned above and I have never had any problems since.

You also said:

Quote from: pretty pauline on February 12, 2011, 07:53:15 AMI'm now nearly 26years post op this year and its like I never had it.

Alas for me, it now has been 20 years and it's like I never had it either.  Thanks to Dr S Biber, may he rest in peace, my surgeon and doctors, I would never have the beautiful life that I have now. :'(

Kindest regards to one all
Sarah B

I don't really get a ghost penis (and it pains me to say penis in the possessive).

But as someone pointed out, it's tissue that has been remapped.  So, sometimes I will have sensations and have memories of when that area was configured differently.  But, I wouldn't call it a "phantom limb", it's more like a particular area.  Like, sometimes when my clitoris becomes stimulated, I can remember when that was the tip of my penis, even though when I touch down there, it's not at all like that.  Or sometimes I will have an itch and I recall where that used to be mapped, however I can't scratch it the same way as I used to : ) 

I have heard of women who have no recollection of what their previous genitalia was like, and I have a hard time understanding that.  I'm not saying they are lying, it just hasn't been my experience.  I still have memories of the prior configuration, although it has diminished and I wouldn't call them vivid experiences.  Maybe I should thank my surgeon for retaining such good sensation down there!

So yeah Valerie, I kind of get what you are saying.  And to the others that have had the dreams...yep, had those too.  Scary, aren't they?!  Luckily they are just bad dreams, nothing more.

Quote from: blackMamba on February 13, 2011, 02:10:07 PMI have heard of women who have no recollection of what their previous genitalia was like, and I have a hard time understanding that.  I'm not saying they are lying, it just hasn't been my experience.  I still have memories of the prior configuration, although it has diminished and I wouldn't call them vivid experiences.  Maybe I should thank my surgeon for retaining such good sensation down there!

I honestly don't remember- I think it's partly the physical remapping and partly psychological. To me it just feels like a vagina now, "feeling" being the operative word. I've even rubbed my clitoris and tried to remember those feelings as being part of a *shudder* penis, but it just ain't happening; my brain doesn't relate to it that way at all anymore. Yes of course I mentally remember having something else down there, but as far as physical sensation I can't/don't feel it in those terms anymore, and that I think may be a large part of what we mean when we say we "don't remember".

When I first woke up after surgery I felt it however- it felt exactly like someone had stretched "it" out on a rock and hammered it with a brick! Good times lol But there comes a time when the memory of it becomes simply academic because there is no longer any physical feedback, and that's probably going to be different for everyone.

I have had erections but i chalked it up to neovagina erections.. The erectile tissue is still there but it is relocated and well i have had very strong erections especially in the first yr or so but it was along the front of me near my clitorus but it was strong and well to me it was just relocated.. i haven't had them in years but i haven't ever been sexual either so i guess it just calmed down.. on the other hand i have had many dreams with me being in many different genders coming from or go to the opposite gender and feeling bad in the dream or good until i woke up and wondered where i am at. As in now i am playing a FTM so recently i had a dream i was female and it bothered me until i woke up. But before i have had both dreams in both identities so i just think its our own minds playing games with ourselves..

I am like 14 yrs post op now if that helps