Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Me and my dad have never had a good relationship.  I am the only male child after 3 older sisters and from day 1 my dad always wanted a little boy he could learn to play football and go to watch the games with and learn how to fight and all the rest of it.  Well, as soon as I learned to walk and talk he realised that wouldn't be the case with me because those were never the things I was interested in.

I always felt like my dad was dissapointed in me because of that, because I never lived up to his dreams and expectations. 

Today we came to blows, because I've had so much on my mind lately I havn't been the easiest person to live with and me and my dad have always had a bitter relationship so arguments between us are almost daily.  Today, we had another stupid out of control argument over nothing in particular where we were both in each other's faces and I stormed out the house for a few hours.

I just came home and my mum (who has known for about 6 months) called me in to the spare bedroom where my dad was stood crying.  I asked what was wrong and my dad started saying he was sorry.  I looked so confused because this was the first time I'd ever saw him cry and then my mum told me she had told him while I was out what has been going on with me.

He gave me a hug (another first) and told me we are in it together now and we will do whatever it takes to sort this out as a family and that I was his only son and he loves me (the last part was a little contrdictory, but I get what he meant).

I feel a mixture of emotions now... happy that I don't have to hide it anymore but almost a little weirded out over what has just happened!

Just thought I'd share...

Maybe the mind change and seeing you as a woman will help him have a better relationship with him. 

jennifer

That is really great news. It's always going to be hard for any parent who is looking for a special relationship with one of their kids. Simply because it'll never happen. The nature of that doesn't matter. My father thought I would be the accademic success he wasn't and he could throw that in his brother's face. I just wasn't interested.

But your dad has take a big step here. He's grown up more than he's probably ever done. He's accepted that other people are different, yet they are still important.

I'm very pleased for you and your family.

Thank you spacial  :)

Roxy and I are sitting here in tears.Your story is a wonderful story. We hope it gets even  better.

Big Hugs.
Patty & Roxy.

It seems your dad had a lot of eye opening experiences when your mom told him.  His reaction was heart warming. 

Dad's often get caught up in trying to make their sons into men.  So much so they are blind to the fact they are causing more harm than good.  I had a dad like that.  And we fought a lot like how you described you and your dad.  Only our tension didn't end until I got married and had a kid.  Then my dad started being my father.

I've learned initial reactions are not always representative of a person's true feelings.  Often that reaction is a result of shock.  So it may be a good idea to start helping get education into the picture.  Don't overload them but offer them some well done and accurate information regarding transgender lives and issues.  A great book is True Selves by Mildred Brown because it was written for the family, friends and co-workers of trans people.  Maybe that could open up some more healthy conversation.

It a great start, and a heartwarming story.

Just one thing to be careful of though, that he doesn't slip into the assumption that you want to be "fixed" and that the counseling will be to try to make you into a man.

Make absolutely sure he understands from the start that you LIKE who you are inside and you want to be the daughter that you feel you should have been.

Teardrop fell here.

Every time I read a dad story, it really affects me. My father is the only person who does not know... I could only hope that he will have a similar reaction. He's a very quiet person, one of those people who is very reserved. You know how they say "It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for"? Well, that's true here.

This story just goes to reinforce the fact that you never know how someone will react to the news of your transition. I've had people accept me who I thought wouldn't, and vice-versa.

Jennifer, I wish you and your father the best. It sounds like he's taken a step in the right direction... you may need to hold his hand a bit on the way though.  :)

Thanks for the lovely replies guys.  I'm not gonna take the initial reaction to heart because I know that people can come accross supportive at first, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty their views can change.  Just gonna take each step as it comes, let him ask any questions he wants and not push it.

How beautiful!  Sounds a lot like my father, except for the understanding part.

Thank you for sharing that.
Best of luck and wishes!

Thank you for sharing, Jennifer.  Many of us will have tears reading it.  Very heartwarming.

Its wonderful and a tear came to my eyes as I read your post. I hope it goes well for your future whatever you decide. Its your life not there's. My parents are wonderfully accepting and its great to see, isn't it.

Stardust

Earlier when I came home from work, he shouted me downstairs and asked me when I was next going to London to see the specialist.  Then he asked how much it would cost and I told him.  He said not to worry about paying for anything like that because he had money saved especially for things like this and he wants to pay for anything that will sort this out.  I of course refused and said I can't expect him to pay and he told me not to worry, just tell him how much things are gonna cost. 

He even suggest staying in a hotel when I go to London for the night so I don't have to rush back! Still in shock that he took it so well.. it's like I'm talking about a different person!

My dad passed away many years before I admitted to myself  that I was transgendered, I am SO happy for you. Enjoy the father daughter time. It passes much too quickly,
Hugs always
Beth

jennifer.

It really does sound good. As Beth says, enjoy your time with your dad.

I am just so happy for you.

Just a thought, and you know him better than any of us, but if he is offering like this, perhaps he wants to be involved. It is understood that you don't want to take his money, but you might think about ways to put him firmly into the loop, so to speak.

I hope that my dad takes it that well.
I'm actually dreading the day I tell him because he could react very unpredictably to the news.

Humans are unpredictable, no doubt about that.

Hi Jennifer

What a fantastic reaction. He may be coming to grips with all the horrors that he has put you through in the past. And realising how much he has loved and cared for his other daughters that he has missed out with you. I would, as Spacial said, make sure you include him in the journey. He may need a way of atoning  and showing his love.

Hugs
Cibdy

Quote from: espo on February 21, 2011, 09:44:18 PM
Humans are unpredictable, no doubt about that.

Ain't that the truth.

As they say in Yorkshire, There's nowt queer as folk.

Hi Jennifer

Thank you for sharing your story about your father.  Its an absolutely fantastic outcome.  Human understanding at its best.  Let your dad know that the cost is yours to bear and the reasons behind it.  However if he still wants to pay for it, then accept it graciously.  Because this shows that your dad does care and love you very much and does not want to see his daughter suffer.

Take care and all the best for the future, which I'm sure after this revelation things will be much better.

Kind regards
Sarah B

Hi Jennifer

I've read your story three times now and everytime it's touching again.
Count your blessings with such a reaction from your dad.
He just want to have you a smooth transition and he wants to be a part of it, to make
sure you will have a good future.
Sounds to me like a father who loves his daughter very much.

Thank you for sharing with us.

love
annette

i was in floods of tears when you mentioned this on my post, and now ive finally come and read it all first hand, im back to tears again. you know i have a similar father, and the fact that he could, just maybe, react this way... well it filled me with hope.

thankyou for sharing your story

thankyou for giving me hope on this

thankyou :)

Feeling a bit teary too on reading this.  My father died many years ago, so I never got the chance to talk to him about this.  It is wonderful that you have had the chance to connect this way.

Me 3. Yes tears and wonderment.
Wow!
My dad was very much like your before dad.
And I knew always believed he would disown me when he found out.
I am so happy that it is working out for you.
Jillieann

I agree - see if you can find a good balance between being independent and letting him help you - it might help both of you. But good for him for wanting to respond!

Quote from: rejennyrated on February 20, 2011, 11:28:05 AM
It a great start, and a heartwarming story.

Just one thing to be careful of though, that he doesn't slip into the assumption that you want to be "fixed" and that the counseling will be to try to make you into a man.

Make absolutely sure he understands from the start that you LIKE who you are inside and you want to be the daughter that you feel you should have been.

During my first attempt, after I told my parents my dad told me he wanted to set aside some time for us to take a long walk together.  Great, I thought, its a chance to explain my feelings to him and help him see my side of things.  Then I found out his agenda, he wanted to talk a long walk with me to make sure I was clear that he and my mom were totally opposed to my plans and were not going to support me by any means possible.  Needless to say the walk never happened.

I'm glad everything sounds positive so far with you dad, but make sure he's not assuming you're trying to get cured and he's willing to pay any price to get his son back.

Quote from: joshany12 on March 04, 2011, 04:50:58 AM
i was in floods of tears when you mentioned this on my post, and now ive finally come and read it all first hand, im back to tears again. you know i have a similar father, and the fact that he could, just maybe, react this way... well it filled me with hope.

thankyou for sharing your story

thankyou for giving me hope on this

thankyou :)

Joshany, keep hold of that hope and don't let it go.  Message me anytime you want to talk or anything, we need to stick together.

My dad was so cold, never in my life had he told me loved me or hugged me or shown any affection towards me or even spoke in a nice way about me.  I couldn't believe it when I  caught him crying over my situation, it was so out of character.

Today I had to go to london for another appointment, last night he came in to my room and asked me how much my appointment was and how much the train fair was etc.  Then, he gave me enough money to cover all of that and even money for my friend's train fare who was coming with me, plus extra for us to go for food afterwards. 

So not used to him being that positive towards me, it shocks me just writing this!

Wow!
I am so amazed.
That is great Jennifer.
Wow!

Thank you for all your comments. Yesterday he sat me down and told me that basically he was putting £24,000 split between a bank account and into shares in my name to pay for any surgeries and therapy etc that I will need. I feel so blessed!

Your story is amazing and heart-warming. This latest update seems to make it clear he is wanting to be supportive of the direction you want to go, and not trying to "fix" you. That is truly awesome. I wish you success and happiness as you progress!

Bloody hell, your dad's a diamond.

I'm speechless! on this amazing turnaround that your father has shown.   Have you had a chance to have a long conversation with him, since you found him crying?  It would be interesting to know how your relationship with your father is going these days.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.  Take care and all the best for the future, I'm sure from the sounds of it, it really is a very bright one.

Kind regards
Sarah B

:)

I've not had a conversation with him on my own about it since, but I've had a couple of chats with him and my mum together.  I don't know how much he understands about this, and I don't think it matters, I think he just wants me to be happy and if that is what it is then so be it.

He has been really nice to me, not once have I heard him raise his voice in the past 2 weeks since he has found out, which was usually an every day occurance.  On the odd times we have spoke about it and I have looked at him, he has had a sadness in his eyes - but the situation is still so new to him so it's gonna take time to get used to.  He asked me about my update with sperm storing and said he would start getting some of the money he has promised me together tomorrow and asked for my bank details.

Hi Jamie Jennifer

Thank you for that. Yes, you are right it does not matter and of course understanding will come with time.  Its good to hear that he wants his daughter to be happy, which is the most important thing.  I'm sure his sadness will be replaced with joy eventually.

Once again thank you.

Kind regards
Sarah B

awww I hope positive support is in the future.

Jaime Jennifer
That is just so amazing.
Wow!

Just thought I would do an update on my transition...

After being on hormones for about 9 days, the hospital called me back regarding storing sperm and had me go in to see a doctor.  I told him about my transition and he explained what happens with sperm storage and how long it's stored for etc.  I didn't tell him I had started hormones because I thought he might tell me to come off them for a few months and then store sperm and there was NO WAY I was doing that.  I took my hormone patch off and left it off for about a week until I had to do my first deposit, that was friday and I have 2 more deposits to make within the next 10 days.  I have put my hormone patch back on now because I felt like I was taking a step backwards not being on hormones while I was off them.

I've also become close with another TS girl who lives near to me that I met on Facebook.  She's 24 and she has her SRS in 2 weeks, we spoke online for a while and then I went to visit her and we have become inseperable ever since.  She's such a nice girl and is so supportive, it's so great to be able to relate to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through and who can say back to me "hey, I've been there and this is where I am now.. you will be fine".  Her and her boyfriend came to my house last week to see my mum and dad, so that they could see a "real life" TS and see what she's like, it went really well! She basically said to them that when she transitioned she didn't really have anyone who knew what she was going through and that I'm lucky now because I have got her to guide me and help me out, so I'm really glad about my new friend!

I also came out to one of my close friends recently, wrote her a long letter expalining everything that I had been coing through the past couple of years, she was initially so upset that I had been going through so much and not told her but she was very understanding.  I'm also due to come out to another friend on Tuesday.  I'm just slowly trying to let the people closest to me know whats going on with me and let them in, something I have really struggled with.  That way I wont feel like I'm withholding so much from them anymore and so that they can help me when I need a friend.

Just thought I'd keep you guys updated!

Gee, I am so happy for you. I wish you the best. Thank you for the update.

Hugs,

Patty :laugh:

That's so good to hear read.
So happy for you Jamie.
Hugs,
Jillieann