Susan's Place Transgender Resources

UGH!

  So my nephew has been in Kuwait for the last 2 years or so... He knew about my transition before he left and he kindof saw the beginnings of it but I hadn't even changed my name legally yet. He's back for a few weeks on a leave and my whole family is excited.
  Yesterday, I got some things done around the house then went upstairs to get ready to go out with friends. After one last look in the mirror... and hey, I looked good.  ;) .... I went down to find my entire sister's family in the living room. They just "stopped by." So I go from peacefully walking down the stairs and thinking about the evening into my sister's perpetual look of disapproval, my Nazi brother-in-law's inability to look at me, my niece's creepy stare (it's like she's trying to figure out why I'm prettier than her) and, most upsetting of all, my nephew's first look at Jessica. Yeah, he's an army dude and he's spent a few years doing incredibly manly things with other manly men so I can understand the awkwardness but I didn't expect the level of obvious disapproval. We were always close... Always.. All he could muster was a soft, "What's up?" I'm so proud of him and I love him... He's become very successful in his career and he's excited about going to Afghanistan when he goes back... I think about him often and wonder if he's safe.

  When I first came out they were okay with it.... But once my appearance started to change they ran for the hills. I especially resent my sister... she was always so supportive but now she looks down on me for being different. This is just a rant... I know the why but that doesn't change how it makes me feel. I've made up my mind to see  them as little as possible (I'm not going to family functions anymore) but I guess that makes the hurt a little sharper when I'm confronted with them. I'm done..... so done.... I just can't be a part of their conservative little world anymore  :(

I am sorry that family can be so undesirable to deal with emotionally sometimes. On the day to day surface we can deal with ourselves so much better, and things are going fine, then poof, there it is....

F A M I L Y!!!

You are transistioning quite well. Your avatar is pretty. Fill your life with the positive things you love to do and enjoy life to the fullest. That is your best revenge. We will be thinking of you and wishing good things for you.

Many Hugs.

Patty

Give him time.  He has not seen you in last 2 years.  And he has been around family since returning.  Gods only know what they have been telling him.

Families can be very hard to deal with, that is why I am glad I no longer have to deal with them.

I'm sorry that happened Jessica. Why would they come over if they were going to react that way?

Families can be strange... My younger brother (who went to Iraq and returned quite awhile ago) never speaks to me

My mom calls up to talk sometimes but is still in denial and refers to Virginia as my "special friend"

My sister (the one who disowned me last year) actually took me out to dinner a couple of weeks ago

The odd looks and feelings of rejection are uncomfortable and do hurt, but give it time... Most of them will probably come around after awhile... It may take some longer than others

Hugs

- Virginia

Hi Jessica

In my country there is an expression what tells us:
you can choose your friends by yourself. family is forced to you.

Of course it's nice when your family is your friends but that isn't allways that way.

Sorry to hear your struggles with family but you know what you are, apperently they do not.

Maybe it's gonna be better in time.

hugs
annette

Quote from: Virginia Marie on February 27, 2011, 02:00:20 PM

My sister (the one who disowned me last year) actually took me out to dinner a couple of weeks ago

This made me smile and laugh.

Go with the flow I suppose.

QuoteRe: My family sucks

Mine too!!!!!!!

I know exactly where you are coming from my 3 sisters had always been fully supportive of me until the day I told my parents; who did not understand and have no intention of doing so....... now its as if I've developed a contagious disease. It seems that because my parents disapprove then the rest of the family follow suit, even to the point of my partner and I receiving death threats from my brother and brother in  law...... luckily I live far enough away and they don't know where I am. Sadly it means that I no longer have any contact with my immediate family which now also includes my 3 kids, which hurts but I have too much to lose by letting it bother me, I fly to Bangkok in a few days for my SRS with Suporn on the 10th March

I know people say that time is all that is needed and maybe so but in the meantime like me you have to think of yourself and your own happiness, after all that is why you are transitioning and its only a few months before your own SRS, which you need to be strong in both mind and body for. You are good looking woman and you do not need family approval although it is nice to be accepted for the woman that you are. If they cannot see it, then that is their problem.

Just keep being positive about yourself.

hugs
Giselle

Sad that they can't see past the end of their noses, but they are the ones who will miss out on seeing you happy.  All you can do with your nephew is tell him to come back safe and in one piece I guess. 

My family have been good, with the exception of my daughter who has not replied to the letter I sent, but then she can go for months without calling.

As Annette said, you can choose your friends, but you are stuck with your relatives.

Quote from: Giselle Marie on February 28, 2011, 06:37:47 AMIt seems that because my parents disapprove then the rest of the family follow suit, even to the point of my partner and I receiving death threats from my brother and brother in  law

Using the word "family" to describe people who want to kill you is greatly stretching the bounds of the English language.

Using the word "family" to describe people who want to kill you is greatly stretching the bounds of the English language.

Actually, the facts seem to ague that.  Families are very dangerous.  We warn kids of 'stranger danger' and all that junk when it's most likely if they are kidnapped, killed or molested it's going to be a family member that does it.

Family is a myth perpetrated upon us by religion, politics and greeting card companies.

As for your nephew, his reaction could just be that you don't actually have the two heads he was lead to believe that you did.  Even if your other family members haven't filled his head with who knows what, Jerry Springer, and others, sure have.

Do you have a way of reaching out to him, outside of his family unit, to see what his true feelings actually are?

Quote from: Julie Marie on March 01, 2011, 09:17:54 AM
Family is a myth perpetrated upon us by religion, politics and greeting card companies.

Agreed.  If anything, it's family members that I trust the least.  With my friends at least I can hold open discussions on most topics.  Yet I've had family members practically jump down my throat on certain issues.

If you can I would call your nephew and invite him for a coffee or something together. He has just come out of a war zone. He is probably spinning and not knowing what the Goddess is going on with anyone.  Tell him you would like a private chat and see how that goes. If it works great if not nothing lost.

BTW you are looking terrific, I imagine one of his first reactions would have been total shock. What's up? Has a multitude of meanings. He has also changed a lot. He will know it but the family won't.  If he is doing well in his soldier career, he is certainly going to make his own decisions about who and what he wants in life, and will probably find a restrictive family just that.

Take heart girl. And act as any girl would. Call him and tell him he upset you when you have been looking so much to his return, worried about him and wanted time to talk to him: guys get embarrassed very easily by girl stuff. Use it. We all do. :laugh:

Hugs

Cindy 

I'm sorry. =(

Most of my relatives from my Mom's side are in Thailand, (I don't talk to my Dad's side) and despite the fact that it's suppose to be the most transgender-friendly country in the world, I'm scared ->-bleeped-<-less of being disowned by them. My favorite aunt I'm not too worried about, she's an intelligent woman who teaches English, I plan to ask her if I can live with her a few years. My cousins should also be more open minded, being a younger generation.

I'm scared of what my brother would think though, when he was younger he ran with a Cambodian gang in Las Vegas, and they began to go after him so my Mom had to send him back to Thailand. I'm not sure if that had an affect on his personality or his feelings toward transsexuals, I hope not. At any rate a expect some sort of negative reaction for him, he's been fighting with everyone in the family.

And then there's my lovely, intelligent, temper controlled, and benevolent Mother............ Ugh, she'll probably tell them all I got hit by a truck and died, or something.

he might very well been overwhelmed with the overall atmosphere too.

I agree. Family sucks. =/

And mine was the same way (and many are) about flip-flopping.

Sometimes gay people have it easier coming out. The family can say 'we accept you' but they dont' have to notice any changes about you nor do they have to watch you have sex, you know?

We come out and they're like 'yes we accept you'....then they see the changes and they're like 'om gwtf?!?!?!" ....

sigh

In a way I can understand. I plan to have kids, and I'd accept them if they were transgendered, but I'd still be really upset about it if that happened.

Jessica,
I can understand why you feel the way you do. Something I had to keep telling myself when I came out to my family was to lower my expectations in the acceptance I was seeking from them. And I think that holds true for transitioning as well. When we first come out and tell our loved ones we are transgendered many of us have come to acceptance with ourselves. But with most of us that acceptance came over time. And if it took us time to accept ourselves it will take our loved ones time as well. When we do transition to full time we are excited and happy because for us it is the end of a life long battle. But for our loved ones the battle is just beginning. Because they are use to seeing us a certain way and dealing with us in that gender role. They may have the head knowledge of what a transsexual is but they can never truly understand all the in and outs of why we feel we need to transition.  It is going to take them time to get use to seeing you in your true gender role. They are going feel uncomfortable for a while, maybe even years. And some of them may never be able to accept and deal with it at all. But don't give up hope on all of them because no matter how impossible something may look or appear to be, there is always a chance. And no matter how small that chance may be it still equals out to hope. And I hope that in time some if not all your family can come to terms with your transition and see that you are and always have been a beautiful woman...Huggsss...Katrina

Quote from: spacial on February 27, 2011, 03:07:16 PM
This made me smile and laugh.

Go with the flow I suppose.

Spacial: you often make me smile real big. thanks  ;D

and Jessica:  i'm sorry about your nephews reaction!  the only thing i can think of to say is that with time he may come around.  Also, having just come back from a war zone has messed with his mind.  Dealing with life may be difficult for him now, and if that's the case, then his aunt's transition is likely the least of his worries right now.  i hate giving advice since i hardly ever follow my own, but if i were you i'd try to be patient with him, and hope he'll let go of his fear and prejudice and understand you. 

i haven't come out to anyone yet really, so my advice isn't very useful.  but, my bf is ex special forces, and we've dealt with some of the aftermath of that together.  what i've learned is that everyone tries. and WAR IS HELL!  Surviving hell has it's own set of rewards/ life lessons learned. 

it's your life.  live it well, and forgiving (not forgetting!) people is living well in my opinion :)