Community Conversation => Significant Others talk => Topic started by: mellsupport on March 01, 2011, 08:39:28 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Confused Newbie
Post by: mellsupport on March 01, 2011, 08:39:28 PM
Post by: mellsupport on March 01, 2011, 08:39:28 PM
My husband is a MTF and although I have known about this for awhile it is not easy to deal with. I have so many mixed emotions about this transition. I saw a therapist for the first time tonight. Although it felt good to get all my feelings out in the open I'm having a hard time letting go of the man I married to the woman he will become. We have been together for 17 years and have a 6 year old and a 15 month old. I am accepting and supportive of her transition, but I am grieving the loss of my husband to the woman he wants to become. Please tell me this pain and resentment goes away and that I can move forward without feeling that this is some cruel joke that I am being punished with.
Title: Re: Confused Newbie
Post by: Renate on March 01, 2011, 08:59:23 PM
Post by: Renate on March 01, 2011, 08:59:23 PM
Well, in one sense it is a cruel joke, but not an intentional one.
It's more the universe having a laugh at your expense.
Yes, you have a right to be angry/disappointed.
Hopefully you can evaluate what is important to you and find a way forward.
Good luck.
It's more the universe having a laugh at your expense.
Yes, you have a right to be angry/disappointed.
Hopefully you can evaluate what is important to you and find a way forward.
Good luck.
Title: Re: Confused Newbie
Post by: annette on March 02, 2011, 04:39:50 AM
Post by: annette on March 02, 2011, 04:39:50 AM
Hi Mellsupport
Your post is touching, really, so much grieves and still supporting.
I can understand your feelings, it look like the one you loved is dying and you have mourning feelings now.
You know, transition does mixed up the life who is going to transition but also the life of the SO.
The both of you have a common past, children common friends and relatives and now it's changing everything.
People makes plans for the future and they think that's what it's going to be, everyone does that, now it seems that life is like sand in your hands, you can't keep it in your hands but it's going trough your fingers out of your hands.
Of course, this makes you sad and insecure about what's going to happen.
I really can't say of this feeling will disappear, I'll hope it for you but it depends on the relation you had and will be having together.
Are the both of you capable to manage the new situation? Do you still love eachother? Do the both of you want to fight to keep your relation good?
If the answers on these quistion is yes, than I think it will be okay in a matter of time.
Sure, it will be different, but it can be as happy as it was, sometimes even better because nobody has to play a role anymore.
Think about it, that's what you are losing, not your husband but someone who plays the role as a husband.
Instead of that you will get a person back who is just the one she is allways been but had to hide for the world.
I hope the both of you will find the strenght to handle this.
The way you have written this post I think you can, you look a brave and strong woman to me.
love
annette
Your post is touching, really, so much grieves and still supporting.
I can understand your feelings, it look like the one you loved is dying and you have mourning feelings now.
You know, transition does mixed up the life who is going to transition but also the life of the SO.
The both of you have a common past, children common friends and relatives and now it's changing everything.
People makes plans for the future and they think that's what it's going to be, everyone does that, now it seems that life is like sand in your hands, you can't keep it in your hands but it's going trough your fingers out of your hands.
Of course, this makes you sad and insecure about what's going to happen.
I really can't say of this feeling will disappear, I'll hope it for you but it depends on the relation you had and will be having together.
Are the both of you capable to manage the new situation? Do you still love eachother? Do the both of you want to fight to keep your relation good?
If the answers on these quistion is yes, than I think it will be okay in a matter of time.
Sure, it will be different, but it can be as happy as it was, sometimes even better because nobody has to play a role anymore.
Think about it, that's what you are losing, not your husband but someone who plays the role as a husband.
Instead of that you will get a person back who is just the one she is allways been but had to hide for the world.
I hope the both of you will find the strenght to handle this.
The way you have written this post I think you can, you look a brave and strong woman to me.
love
annette
Title: Re: Confused Newbie
Post by: Ruby on March 03, 2011, 09:57:18 PM
Post by: Ruby on March 03, 2011, 09:57:18 PM
Hi Mellsupport,
I am a wife of a MtF. I know what you mean when you talk about losing your husband, grieving, pain and resentment. I am so glad you got to the therapist this week! The therapist will surely help you to see that there is a natural process of grieving with all the stages that we go through when someone really does die. For me, over time, it really has changed. It changed slowly at first; then more rapidly after the initial months of shock.
I now find that I rely on a place of deep trust within me. I love my partner so much that I trust that we will be happy, even sexually over time. We don't know how to make love in a same sex situation, but we are creative loving people. We can learn. It may be awkward at first, like kids getting to know each other, but I do not believe it to be impossible. Sex is just an expression of deep love and intimacy. That has not changed for us. We won't know for another year or so how our sex life will manifest; we have to be incredibly patient in this process; she just had SRS in December.
I found it really helpful to meet lots of other people in the trans community. We went to conventions; meetup groups; reached out to others online in the same city. It was also important to me to read widely. The reading helped me to place the anger/resentment where it belongs: on cultural biases not on my partner.
One other thing that helped me in the early stages was a small affirmation. I noticed that everyone who asked me how the transition was for ME expected me to say that it was HARD. I got tired of hearing it. I needed to say it myself for awhile. It felt hard; but before too long, I adjusted my language. I looked for another word that described what I felt. For me, that word was excited. I felt excited that my beloved mate was becoming happier and healthier. If it was also hard, so what? Lots of things in life are hard. By focusing on something positive, I began to lighten up a bit.
I'm so glad you posted here. I hope to hear from you again.
Hugs,
Ruby
I am a wife of a MtF. I know what you mean when you talk about losing your husband, grieving, pain and resentment. I am so glad you got to the therapist this week! The therapist will surely help you to see that there is a natural process of grieving with all the stages that we go through when someone really does die. For me, over time, it really has changed. It changed slowly at first; then more rapidly after the initial months of shock.
I now find that I rely on a place of deep trust within me. I love my partner so much that I trust that we will be happy, even sexually over time. We don't know how to make love in a same sex situation, but we are creative loving people. We can learn. It may be awkward at first, like kids getting to know each other, but I do not believe it to be impossible. Sex is just an expression of deep love and intimacy. That has not changed for us. We won't know for another year or so how our sex life will manifest; we have to be incredibly patient in this process; she just had SRS in December.
I found it really helpful to meet lots of other people in the trans community. We went to conventions; meetup groups; reached out to others online in the same city. It was also important to me to read widely. The reading helped me to place the anger/resentment where it belongs: on cultural biases not on my partner.
One other thing that helped me in the early stages was a small affirmation. I noticed that everyone who asked me how the transition was for ME expected me to say that it was HARD. I got tired of hearing it. I needed to say it myself for awhile. It felt hard; but before too long, I adjusted my language. I looked for another word that described what I felt. For me, that word was excited. I felt excited that my beloved mate was becoming happier and healthier. If it was also hard, so what? Lots of things in life are hard. By focusing on something positive, I began to lighten up a bit.
I'm so glad you posted here. I hope to hear from you again.
Hugs,
Ruby