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Title: Recently Un-repressed
Post by: Olivia-Anne on March 14, 2011, 07:39:53 PM
Post by: Olivia-Anne on March 14, 2011, 07:39:53 PM
Hello Everyone!
This is my first time posting in this forum. I have been lurking for a couple of weeks and have decided to give this forum a try ;D. I would also like to apologize ahead of time for the novel I am about to write. I have never actually gotten into as much detail as I am about to, and I am hoping this will be somewhat therapeutic to myself. So please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Teagan. I'm 28 years young and I live in southern California. I am a Bi-sexual MTF Transgender (that's about the closest label I feel comfortable saying, but I am still unsure if that adequately describes me). I have recently stopped trying to repress/ignore emotions and feelings that I have had my entire life. I have decided to embrace that which I have repressed for so long, and have since decided to start the long transition process. It has been about 8 months since I came out as Bi-sexual to a select group of close friends, and so far only my closest friend knows that I am transgender (with the exception of everyone who reads this of course :P) I am not that far in the transition process to be perfectly honest. I am about as far as accepting who and what I am and to have the resolve to start to take the steps necessary to make my transition happen.
So that is where I am at in this stage of my life currently. Let me give you all a little bit of my story. The first time I realized I was different I was about 4 or 5 years old. I am not exactly sure how the situation presented itself, but I remember I was trying on one of my twin sisters dresses. I think my sisters and mother must have been out of the house or something. But, I was in her room and I was wearing her clothes when I heard the dreaded sound of my fathers recliner un-reclining for lack of a better word ::). Which meant that he was coming to check on what I was doing. Terrified, I dove under my sisters bed and hid there when he came in. I obviously knew that he would not approve. After he left my sisters room, I emerged from under the bed literally shaking in fear. I immediately thought that what I was doing was wrong and did not try on my sisters close or do anything of that nature for sometime. Somehow I seemed to inherently know that my father would not approve. So, after that incident, I tried hard to be a 'normal" boy. I played little league. I did the things that typical boys would do. However my favorite game was still playing "pretend" with my sisters and their dolls.
When I hit puberty, was when things began to become really confusing. The changes that were happening to my body didn't seem right to me. Hair began to grow everywhere and my voice dropped. According to my parents, my sex-education and other boys it was all perfectly natural. But I was not at all convinced. I tried to ask questions about what I was feeling during sex education. However, my questions were deemed "in-appropriate for school", and I was sent to the principles office for disrupting the classroom. The other children in the classroom would all laugh when I would ask a question regarding gender, so I guess the teacher assumed that I was trying to be funny or make a joke. On a side note, at the time I thought it a blessing that the principle did not tell my parents the questions I was trying to ask, but in hind-sight I wish that she had. After that whole fiasco, I started to get depressed. I decided that I would force myself to be "normal". I hoped that after time these feelings would eventually subside and I would be "normal". But as I am sure everyone here can attest to, its not something that just goes away by sheer will power.
After a couple years of trying to force myself into normalcy I started to have what I would refer to at the time as "relapses". Basically I would just wear my twin sisters clothes when ever I was home alone. I must say she has my same taste in clothing as me and I was powerless against her wardrobe J. Not to mention we were always the same size. After each "relapse" I would berate and belittle myself and try and rationalize why I need to stop this kind of behavior. The longest that I went between "relapses" has been about 6-7 months. It was during this time that I began to self-medicate. I began to use marijuana and alcohol as a means to create this fog in my mind. With this fog in my mind I didn't focus on anything. I just was kind of on auto pilot after that. For the next 8 years, after I began to use drugs, my life is somewhat of a spiraling out of control blurry nightmare of an existence.
About 3 years ago I began to get a grip on my life. I got clean and took a step back from what I was doing. I began the process of self-discovery all over again. But, this time I was embracing what I was and who I am. I didn't try to rationalize away feelings or emotions. I didn't scold myself for not conforming to the devout catholic ways of my parents. I didn't belittle myself for not being a stereotypical straight male. I basically just let the current carry me where it carried me.
I started to do a little bit of research and find out exactly what I was feeling or trying to be or however you want to put it. So eventually I discovered what it was that I was feeling and what I am. It took me a long time to come out to the people that I did that I was Bi-sexual and even longer to tell to my "BFF" that I was transgender. (Thanks, Lynzie for your love and support btw <3)I am still not open with everyone about what I am. I still go to work as a male. I still present myself to my family as a male. But when I am home I get to be myself. I definitely intend to transition. I am still saving the necessary funds to make my transition happen. Unfortunately I work with my a lot of my family and family friends. All of whom have made their stance perfectly clear on the subject of Homosexuality. So its not hard to imagine how they would feel about me being transgender. Transition for me means a fresh start because I am 100 percent positive my place of employment would find a way to fire me, and my family (aside from my siblings) would disown me.
Well that's a little bit about me. In the future I will probably post about anything and everything on my mind. But for the time being, I will leave you with just a short background story and a fond farewell. Thanks for listening.
<3 Teagan ;)
This is my first time posting in this forum. I have been lurking for a couple of weeks and have decided to give this forum a try ;D. I would also like to apologize ahead of time for the novel I am about to write. I have never actually gotten into as much detail as I am about to, and I am hoping this will be somewhat therapeutic to myself. So please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Teagan. I'm 28 years young and I live in southern California. I am a Bi-sexual MTF Transgender (that's about the closest label I feel comfortable saying, but I am still unsure if that adequately describes me). I have recently stopped trying to repress/ignore emotions and feelings that I have had my entire life. I have decided to embrace that which I have repressed for so long, and have since decided to start the long transition process. It has been about 8 months since I came out as Bi-sexual to a select group of close friends, and so far only my closest friend knows that I am transgender (with the exception of everyone who reads this of course :P) I am not that far in the transition process to be perfectly honest. I am about as far as accepting who and what I am and to have the resolve to start to take the steps necessary to make my transition happen.
So that is where I am at in this stage of my life currently. Let me give you all a little bit of my story. The first time I realized I was different I was about 4 or 5 years old. I am not exactly sure how the situation presented itself, but I remember I was trying on one of my twin sisters dresses. I think my sisters and mother must have been out of the house or something. But, I was in her room and I was wearing her clothes when I heard the dreaded sound of my fathers recliner un-reclining for lack of a better word ::). Which meant that he was coming to check on what I was doing. Terrified, I dove under my sisters bed and hid there when he came in. I obviously knew that he would not approve. After he left my sisters room, I emerged from under the bed literally shaking in fear. I immediately thought that what I was doing was wrong and did not try on my sisters close or do anything of that nature for sometime. Somehow I seemed to inherently know that my father would not approve. So, after that incident, I tried hard to be a 'normal" boy. I played little league. I did the things that typical boys would do. However my favorite game was still playing "pretend" with my sisters and their dolls.
When I hit puberty, was when things began to become really confusing. The changes that were happening to my body didn't seem right to me. Hair began to grow everywhere and my voice dropped. According to my parents, my sex-education and other boys it was all perfectly natural. But I was not at all convinced. I tried to ask questions about what I was feeling during sex education. However, my questions were deemed "in-appropriate for school", and I was sent to the principles office for disrupting the classroom. The other children in the classroom would all laugh when I would ask a question regarding gender, so I guess the teacher assumed that I was trying to be funny or make a joke. On a side note, at the time I thought it a blessing that the principle did not tell my parents the questions I was trying to ask, but in hind-sight I wish that she had. After that whole fiasco, I started to get depressed. I decided that I would force myself to be "normal". I hoped that after time these feelings would eventually subside and I would be "normal". But as I am sure everyone here can attest to, its not something that just goes away by sheer will power.
After a couple years of trying to force myself into normalcy I started to have what I would refer to at the time as "relapses". Basically I would just wear my twin sisters clothes when ever I was home alone. I must say she has my same taste in clothing as me and I was powerless against her wardrobe J. Not to mention we were always the same size. After each "relapse" I would berate and belittle myself and try and rationalize why I need to stop this kind of behavior. The longest that I went between "relapses" has been about 6-7 months. It was during this time that I began to self-medicate. I began to use marijuana and alcohol as a means to create this fog in my mind. With this fog in my mind I didn't focus on anything. I just was kind of on auto pilot after that. For the next 8 years, after I began to use drugs, my life is somewhat of a spiraling out of control blurry nightmare of an existence.
About 3 years ago I began to get a grip on my life. I got clean and took a step back from what I was doing. I began the process of self-discovery all over again. But, this time I was embracing what I was and who I am. I didn't try to rationalize away feelings or emotions. I didn't scold myself for not conforming to the devout catholic ways of my parents. I didn't belittle myself for not being a stereotypical straight male. I basically just let the current carry me where it carried me.
I started to do a little bit of research and find out exactly what I was feeling or trying to be or however you want to put it. So eventually I discovered what it was that I was feeling and what I am. It took me a long time to come out to the people that I did that I was Bi-sexual and even longer to tell to my "BFF" that I was transgender. (Thanks, Lynzie for your love and support btw <3)I am still not open with everyone about what I am. I still go to work as a male. I still present myself to my family as a male. But when I am home I get to be myself. I definitely intend to transition. I am still saving the necessary funds to make my transition happen. Unfortunately I work with my a lot of my family and family friends. All of whom have made their stance perfectly clear on the subject of Homosexuality. So its not hard to imagine how they would feel about me being transgender. Transition for me means a fresh start because I am 100 percent positive my place of employment would find a way to fire me, and my family (aside from my siblings) would disown me.
Well that's a little bit about me. In the future I will probably post about anything and everything on my mind. But for the time being, I will leave you with just a short background story and a fond farewell. Thanks for listening.
<3 Teagan ;)
Title: Re: Recently Un-repressed
Post by: Janet_Girl on March 14, 2011, 08:07:11 PM
Post by: Janet_Girl on March 14, 2011, 08:07:11 PM
Hi Teagan, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 5900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Welcome to our little family. Over 5900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation Rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.msg146855.html#msg146855)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Title: Re: Recently Un-repressed
Post by: Jillieann Rose on March 14, 2011, 09:43:27 PM
Post by: Jillieann Rose on March 14, 2011, 09:43:27 PM
Hello Teagan,
It is good to meet you.
I'm so glad you got off that drug ride that spirals down to a grave.
You have already come alone way girl if you are pass the stage of coming to accept yourself.
Some never do and end up living a miserable life.
You real never know how friends and family will respond when you tell them that you are trans.
Will be looking for more of your postings.
Welcome to Susan's
Jillieann
It is good to meet you.
I'm so glad you got off that drug ride that spirals down to a grave.
You have already come alone way girl if you are pass the stage of coming to accept yourself.
Some never do and end up living a miserable life.
You real never know how friends and family will respond when you tell them that you are trans.
Will be looking for more of your postings.
Welcome to Susan's
Jillieann
Title: Re: Recently Un-repressed
Post by: annette on March 15, 2011, 05:26:18 AM
Post by: annette on March 15, 2011, 05:26:18 AM
Hi Teagan
Very welcome to the forum honey.
Well, that's quite a story, but you have shown you can manage your life.
You quit drugs, that's not an easy thing to do, you've my respect for that.
You said , I am not that far in transition, well I think differently, you admit to yourself that you have to do something about the feelings you have.
That's a big step, that means self acceptance.
It will be easier when you do accept yourself.
On this site there are a lot of people with expirience and wisdom who are glad to give you support on your journey of transition.
Feel free to write what's on your mind and make yourself at home.
hugs
annette
Very welcome to the forum honey.
Well, that's quite a story, but you have shown you can manage your life.
You quit drugs, that's not an easy thing to do, you've my respect for that.
You said , I am not that far in transition, well I think differently, you admit to yourself that you have to do something about the feelings you have.
That's a big step, that means self acceptance.
It will be easier when you do accept yourself.
On this site there are a lot of people with expirience and wisdom who are glad to give you support on your journey of transition.
Feel free to write what's on your mind and make yourself at home.
hugs
annette
Title: Re: Recently Un-repressed
Post by: Padma on March 15, 2011, 05:41:59 AM
Post by: Padma on March 15, 2011, 05:41:59 AM
Hi Teagan, pleased to meet you, glad you've found somewhere to come to talk about all this stuff - are you a Doctor Who fan, by any chance? ;)
Title: Re: Recently Un-repressed
Post by: Olivia-Anne on March 15, 2011, 08:08:22 AM
Post by: Olivia-Anne on March 15, 2011, 08:08:22 AM
Thank you for the warm welcome. I too am glad I was able to get off drugs. I had to take some drastic steps to accomplish that, but in the end, it was worth it. I do also realize it is a big step to have self acceptance, I just wish it didnt take me 28 years to get this far :P.
Yoxi, I do not really watch too much television. But I am a fan of entertainment. I have seen a couple episodes of Docter who. For somereason everytime I do catch an episode, there is a new lead character, which is confusing to me. I have seen enough of it to get a grasp of the general premise of the show, however. I am curious as to why you are curious if I am a fan of the show. But I must be honest, I do prefer a good book to most other entertainment. I am currently reading 'Valley of the Horses" by Jean M. Auel.
I must start getting ready for work now ::). Hope everyone has a great day!
<3 Teagan
Yoxi, I do not really watch too much television. But I am a fan of entertainment. I have seen a couple episodes of Docter who. For somereason everytime I do catch an episode, there is a new lead character, which is confusing to me. I have seen enough of it to get a grasp of the general premise of the show, however. I am curious as to why you are curious if I am a fan of the show. But I must be honest, I do prefer a good book to most other entertainment. I am currently reading 'Valley of the Horses" by Jean M. Auel.
I must start getting ready for work now ::). Hope everyone has a great day!
<3 Teagan
Title: Re: Recently Un-repressed
Post by: Padma on March 15, 2011, 09:42:40 AM
Post by: Padma on March 15, 2011, 09:42:40 AM
Sorry if the Doctor Who question seemed to come out of nowhere, it's just that Tegan (http://"http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tegan_Jovanka") was the name of the Doctor's longest-running travelling companion (and for that reason the name of a friend of mine's daughter, so I'm used to it coming from there as a girl's name). I hope this didn't throw you - and I now realise you don't spell it that way anyway!
I wish you well in your journey, however wiggly it is - I know from experience it's harder being bisexual in a culture that expects sexuality as well as gender to be completely this-or-that, it makes it more difficult to see ourselves clearly, until we do. It's okay to be anywhere on any of the spectrums, and it's okay to move around on them too.
I wish you well in your journey, however wiggly it is - I know from experience it's harder being bisexual in a culture that expects sexuality as well as gender to be completely this-or-that, it makes it more difficult to see ourselves clearly, until we do. It's okay to be anywhere on any of the spectrums, and it's okay to move around on them too.
Title: Re: Recently Un-repressed
Post by: Olivia-Anne on March 15, 2011, 06:13:46 PM
Post by: Olivia-Anne on March 15, 2011, 06:13:46 PM
I actually took my name from one of my favorite bands, "Tegan and Sara". I guess it was not obvious that "Teagan" is not my given name. I do spell it differantly then how she spells her name. I think my spelling is a little bit more unique. The spelling that I chose is Irish. I think that it roughly translates to beautiful but please dont quote me on that ;).
I think its weird that people think its wierd that someone can be bi-sexual. Its like I can only like chocolate and not vanilla. I hate to break it to everyone but I like chocolate AND vanilla. ( Thats just a food analogy :P)
<3 Teagan
I think its weird that people think its wierd that someone can be bi-sexual. Its like I can only like chocolate and not vanilla. I hate to break it to everyone but I like chocolate AND vanilla. ( Thats just a food analogy :P)
<3 Teagan
Title: Re: Recently Un-repressed
Post by: annette on March 15, 2011, 06:30:22 PM
Post by: annette on March 15, 2011, 06:30:22 PM
Well Teagan, I also like chocolate and vanilla, it's not that weird and I understand the food analogy.
hugs
annette
hugs
annette
Title: Re: Recently Un-repressed
Post by: Padma on March 15, 2011, 06:31:37 PM
Post by: Padma on March 15, 2011, 06:31:37 PM
Yeah, but then it's nuts that people think there's only two flavours to choose from in the first place :). I guessed that Teagan was your chosen name, just wondered where you chose it from - thanks for explaining. Nice name! I'll check out that band, Canadians make good sounds (I only just discovered Broken Social Scene).
Title: Re: Recently Un-repressed
Post by: Olivia-Anne on March 15, 2011, 07:35:51 PM
Post by: Olivia-Anne on March 15, 2011, 07:35:51 PM
Aww thanks Yoxi! I'm glad you picked up on the underlying premise of the analogy! I think you will enjoy "Tegan and Sara". *Googles Broken Social Scene* The curse of the Ipod is that is so hard to find out about new music...
<3 Teagan
<3 Teagan