Susan's Place Transgender Resources

so this is going to sound creepy, it certainly feels creepy to me:
bla bla lately [snip] bla bla (doesn't really matter but gives the whole background, sorry, i'm unorganized lately), and thus was revisiting some memories of periods in which i locate the beginning of my unhappyness/depression, whatever you want to call it. i'm not sure when it started, but it became worse around the time i met my current boyfriend. this is not about him, it's more that he's my first really serious relationship, which, more or less, confronted me with being the female part of something for the first time. anyway, when thinking of the time we first met, and naturally spent a lot of time in bed.... i'm not in that memories. i mean, of course i am, but i'm just not in that pictures. huh, i guess does not really any sense now? i don't think in pictures much, but when i do they are usually very detailed. but in this, i'm just missing, i see everything but me.
wtf? is this the fine art of supression or did jump the edge without noticing?

I'm not sure I'm following what your saying. Are you saying when you think about past sexual experiences that you're absent from the image your memories conjure?

uhm, yeah. pretty much. it's not limited to that area, i just noticed it there first.

Well, that kind of makes sense, doesn't it?  I mean, in real life, you don't really see yourself, just everything that's going on around you.  So it's reasonable to assume that you wouldn't "see" yourself in your memories, either, that you would essentially just be remembering the experience that you had, through your own eyes.  I can't see myself in my memories, and if I could, it would just be mentally constructed and subconsciously added into my memory.  Unless I'm missing your point or something...

Usually my memories are in the first person too. But when I dream I get a mix of first and third person view.

For me it's not a matter of not being able to picture myself there or remembering, just a feeling of creepy detachment. Like I was there, but not really there at the same time. It makes sense though, as detaching is what I had to do to be able to handle having sex most of the time. It's the same with many other non-sexual memories too. I want to point out that this detachment of memories goes hand in hand with how deep in denial I was and how much I was trying to "woman-up" at the time.

yeah, it's confusing. i don't usually see myself when thinking back, sure. but however strange it is, i do have these snapshots too, dunno why and if it's any good at all.  i'm used to being my own image of myself in there, yeah, but total absence is new.
maybe i'm just a bit twisted atm, or maybe it's time to finally find a shrink. hm.