Susan's Place Transgender Resources

A few years of using the ladies room, generally when it's empty or nearly so, cannot replace a lifetime of experience.  So, I'm asking our brothers across the aisle to provide some general rules of thumb.

girls bathrooms are completely different from mens, in mens bathrooms you were trained to NEVER, EVER look at or talk to someone else in there, and you also learned to be as fast as possible.

Now, I didn't really act like a girl, or 'obey' the girls bathroom 'rules' but I can tell you what I observed.

Its ok to talk to your girlfriends when in the bathroom, usually while at the sink, and often girls will sit and chat at the mirrors and put on makeup or check their hair.

If you encounter a stranger in the bathroom, it is ok to smile politely as you go to your stall.

Girls tend to be more modest about their bodily functions, in mens rooms you are pretty much fine to let one rip, but in the girls bathroom you will get laughed at and judged (I had it happen to me once, it was terrible, ive also had it happen in the guys room and nothing happened)

I'm still somewhat nervous about it so on the few occasions that I have ventured into the lady's room (also usually when I think it's empty but some other gals have always shown up) I've noticed that often gals will just start talking to whoever is at the sink and commenting on outfits or hair or make up or the latest sale somewhere

I also notice that some will talk about guys and are just as good at the dirty talk as guys are

Oh, and there seems to be some kind of check list that a gal must perform in front of the mirror before exiting and some gals will help you if they see something on the check list that doesn't look right

Also, if you happen to encounter a line (like at a busy restaurant or something) it seems ladies always talk in line - even to strangers. And that mirror-check thing is real as well. I see a lot that use the opportunity to fuss with their hair or reapply make up.

As Elijah also said smiling is perfectly acceptable. I've seen other women ask strangers questions (everything from, "where did you get those shoes" to "do you have a spare tampon") or offer random compliments. It's like this whole social thing it seems at least in so far as it's ok to have conversations, etc.

There are also some things I've seen in women's restrooms that I would personally consider bad etiquette. Having a conversation on a cell phone while you're in a stall. That's just bad imo. Also having a really personal convo with your girlfriend while you're both in the stalls (I'm kind of anti public personal convos anyway but in the restroom? that's also just bad!). I understand if you're at a club or something and you're discussing your bf or some guy you saw but if you're at the Olive Garden and you're talking about your medical lab results, that's a bit much (actually witnessed that).

I didn't mean to exclude anyone from contributing to the discussion.

I have been living full-time for 3.5 years, and work as a woman.  And decades of passing before that.  So I have a great deal of experience in this area.  But still scenarios occur where I am uncomfortable, and I do believe that transmen who grew up as women can provide some valuable insight.

For example, I don't know that women who know I am trans are exhibiting normal behavior when I am in the ladies' room at the same time as them; so I discount the value of my own experience.

You should probably stop over thinking things

One thing was mentioned briefly in a post above: it's recommended to carry a tampon just in the event someone asks for one! So buy a box of 20 regular sized tampons and stick one in each of your bags.

Well apart from about 5 years of my life in my late teens/early twenties I have used the ladies room for pretty well a lifetime. I have to say that I am not entirely sure what sort of etiquette you are asking about Gina. Can you clarify please and maybe I'll have a go at answering more helpfully...

I always treated ladies rooms like a mens room. I don't talk to anyone, try not to look at anyone, and I'm in and out as fast as possible. I guess the rules of the ladies room never really meant anything to me.
It is socially acceptable to chat a little with other ladies in the room, but can get pretty awkward if trying to talk to others while on the seat. Audible bodily functions are kept to a minimum, but if a poot eeks out, nobody will remember it for more than two minutes (so don't worry about being judged too much).
Aside from that, I'm not sure what to tell you. *shrug*

Quote from: V M on April 12, 2011, 08:28:49 PM
I'm still somewhat nervous about it so on the few occasions that I have ventured into the lady's room (also usually when I think it's empty but some other gals have always shown up) I've noticed that often gals will just start talking to whoever is at the sink and commenting on outfits or hair or make up or the latest sale somewhere

This used to drive me nuts. It was like freaking social hour in front of the sinks, and just try to get in there to wash your hands and leave, especially if you weren't like them. Or maybe they were just oblivious. But, yeah, I would see gals talking to total strangers just out of the blue. Like, "Oh, I love your lipstick!" or whatever. And it wasn't that false passive-aggressive ironic crap, either.

You can smile at other women, say you love their clothes or makeup or whatever, or ask if they have a spare tampon, and nobody says boo. And you can spend fifteen minutes talking in front of the sinks while you apply makeup and touch up your hair. Nobody thinks this is odd. Well, I did, but you know why.

I don't talk to anyone, and prefer to get in and out as quickly as I can. Never used makeup, talking to people is bad here in Sweden (if you try to start up a conversation with the person next to your seat on the bus, they will act as if you're completely crazy). I've seen girls who know each other talking while washing their hands, though.

I've only been to one men's room, and that was one of those single-occupancy rooms, no stalls or anything. Seems kind of pointless to divide toilets like that according to gender IMO.

Perhaps my memory has failed me as it's been nearly 8 years since was I've been in a guys bathroom, but I can't remember it smelling half as bad as the ladies room often smells. Such gas!!!

Quote from: RabbitsOfTheWorldUnite on April 15, 2011, 03:37:59 AM
Perhaps my memory has failed me as it's been nearly 8 years since was I've been in a guys bathroom, but I can't remember it smelling half as bad as the ladies room often smells. Such gas!!!

agree! period blood smells so bad!

Female bathrooms are generally friendly communal spaces. It's perfectly socially acceptable to talk to other women and compliment them on their bag (purse), hair, shoes and so on. It's also acceptable to ask where they bought the shoes.

On the whole tampon question, In the UK, most public loos have tampon and sanitary pad dispensers. I have never witnessed a woman ask another if she has a spare tampon, and in the UK I would think most people would be quite shocked if a stranger did ask them. Women who have periods would either buy sanitary protection from the vending machine or improvise with loo roll. Please don't worry about carrying spare tampons with you just in case someone should ask for one.

Quote from: JohnR on April 16, 2011, 12:35:28 PM
On the whole tampon question, In the UK, most public loos have tampon and sanitary pad dispensers. I have never witnessed a woman ask another if she has a spare tampon, and in the UK I would think most people would be quite shocked if a stranger did ask them. Women who have periods would either buy sanitary protection from the vending machine or improvise with loo roll. Please don't worry about carrying spare tampons with you just in case someone should ask for one.

Yeah, I can't recall ever being asked for a tampon in the women's room. If on the rare chance someone would ask, a simple 'no I don't have any, sorry' would suffice. No one's going to think anything of it as a lot of women only carry those things once a month (and usually only enough for one change at that). Post-menopausal age women probably don't carry them at all.

I've been asked for a tampon a few times. In one case, the gal was already in the stall next to me. In one case, I was at work, and there was no machine at all. Another time, the machine was either out of order or out of product.

And then there was that nasty little b**** in junior high school. She knew I hadn't started bleeding yet, and she asked for a tampon just to rub it in. I felt bad that I was being picked on, but I sure as heck didn't feel bad that I wasn't menstruating yet. So her passive bullying wasn't all that successful. Still, I was angry that girls like that existed and kept trying to kick around other kids.

I dont understand how not having a period yet is a bad thing.. if that girl said that to me i would flip it around and rub it in her face that she had to deal with something so annoying, I didnt get my period till i was 17 and never felt bad about it

Quote from: Elijah on April 16, 2011, 05:04:35 PM
I dont understand how not having a period yet is a bad thing.. if that girl said that to me i would flip it around and rub it in her face that she had to deal with something so annoying, I didnt get my period till i was 17 and never felt bad about it

I envy you. I was fourteen and a half...later than a lot but not late enough.

In the gym locker room I knew, physical maturity and popularity with boys were pretty much the major coolness factors, the criteria that determined one's place on the social ladder. I was kicked around for being smart, for being shy, and for being small on top. I was passively teased for not being the object of desire for boys and, on a few occasions, for not having started my period yet. I liked boys but didn't want to be lusted after in the way that the girls did...and liked my braininess and dreaded the physical maturation process. Yet the nastiest girls succeeded in getting me to feel bad about myself on many occasions. I'm just glad I had the mitigating factors of a stony facial expression and no real desire to have the physical markers of female maturity.

Sure, I was secretly ashamed of my body--I had always thought there might be something seriously wrong with me, and my slow puberty just reinforced my suspicions--but I also loved my androgynous body and looked on the mature girls with a sort of fascinated horror, the kind that impels people to slow down on the freeway and gawk at a bad accident.

All of which, I guess, is a bit off topic. Sorry, folks. I'll stop.

Y

Quote from: JohnR on April 16, 2011, 12:35:28 PM
Female bathrooms are generally friendly communal spaces. It's perfectly socially acceptable to talk to other women and compliment them on their bag (purse), hair, shoes and so on. It's also acceptable to ask where they bought the shoes.

On the whole tampon question, In the UK, most public loos have tampon and sanitary pad dispensers. I have never witnessed a woman ask another if she has a spare tampon, and in the UK I would think most people would be quite shocked if a stranger did ask them. Women who have periods would either buy sanitary protection from the vending machine or improvise with loo roll. Please don't worry about carrying spare tampons with you just in case someone should ask for one.

Not that it matters much, but if you come across the pond, please make sure you're well stocked. I've never seen a functioning vending machine in a bathroom except for truck stops. Sure, many restrooms have the machines but they're always either broken or out of stock here on the east coast....

I have only been to seedy back alley dive bars were guys stumble to the restroom(if you could call it that),pee all over the floor,toilet paper all over,toilets overflowing a nasty smell..etc.The womans restrooms were a bit nicer,some actually had nice flowers and smelled good So when i was the only woman there i used the woman's room.Still did not sit on the seat though

Quote from: Arch on April 16, 2011, 05:18:09 PM
All of which, I guess, is a bit off topic. Sorry, folks. I'll stop.

Kind-of off topic, but interesting.  It made me think about similar experiences I had in locker-rooms.  I think I will start a thread about that this week.

Quote from: GinaDouglas on April 16, 2011, 09:44:14 PM
Kind-of off topic, but interesting.  It made me think about similar experiences I had in locker-rooms.  I think I will start a thread about that this week.

I think you should Gina... I was harassed and bullied in the locker room on several occasions in both Jr. high and high school

My experience with the ladies room is that it's polite to smile and/or say hello while passing someone. Friends usually have conversations while in the stalls. As for the whole modesty thing while using the loo I've never had any teasing problems or anything like that, I mean it is a bodily function, so I don't see why there should be. The mirror check thing is a huge thing for women, anytime I go into a bathroom most of all girls' time is spent checking themselves in the mirror rather than actually using the facilities. lol :]

Quote from: maeganmayhem on April 16, 2011, 11:03:07 PM
The mirror check thing is a huge thing for women, anytime I go into a bathroom most of all girls' time is spent checking themselves in the mirror rather than actually using the facilities. lol :]

Exactly and its nice, its purely a girl thing, a woman's own space, a quick check up on my hair, a touch up on my lippy, makeup etc and not a guy in sight to comment on a ''girl's silly ways'' just other normal women to share fashion and beauty tips, now thats heaven for me.
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