Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, this is my third trip back to Houston to see me son since I left for Florida back in January. He and I are getting along great, but things are still difficult. He is feeling kind of ambivalent. He loves me and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but has feelings of sadness and rejection over the divorce and my rejection. My ex tells me that his therapist has recommended that I speak to him less during the week and maybe not come to see him once a month as I have been. I don't mind saying that this sparked a breakdown for me. I feel like I am barely involved in his life as it is and now I am being asked to step back further. However, after talking to my therapist and group, I don't think I am going to take that advice. Miguel has also expressed a desire for more contact between us. I would hate to think his therapist is allowing her personal feelings to affect her advice.

Visiting here is strange to me though. It is the life I once had and triggers some pretty strong feelings for me. I find myself fighting the tears almost constantly. It doesn't help that I don't feel I have many allies here. Today the young girls on the block were by the house and I could hear some giggles. I was also told that one of them was running around telling the others that "that is Miguel's daddy!" in a gossipy tone. Awesome. Then Trish asked me to take my son to the doctor and dinner to keep me away from the house and the weekly church lifegroup meeting. I came home at the time she asked but that was a bit too soon as it turns out. I was forced to sit in the car parked down the block as I watched these people leave the house and get in their cars and leave. I was so humiliated at being treated like an embarrassment. A leper. Had to fight another breakdown at that point. Trish did later admit these are all her issues. She is just not over it and my very presence brings up feelings of the life she had and the future she wanted. She also doesn't want to deal with telling yet more people what is going on. I guess she wants to just be a normal divorcee and not feel like an "other." I don't have that luxury of course. I am concerned by how my son is viewing this. He asked me why we were waiting and I told him the truth. I wonder how he will process this as he gets older and understands more.

Anyway, that was just day one so far. I leave Sunday. I already told Trish I don't want to come back. It is much too painful. Hopefully Miguel will start visiting me in Florida soon.

I am so sorry with how it went Maia. I think you are doing the right things and are an incredible parent so don't forget that. I was hoping your visit would go alright, I know you had seemed worried about it. I really hope it does get a little better while you're still there *hug* Has she said anything about him coming down to visit? I meant to ask one day but do you and your son have access to skype? I was thinking I'd mention it, in case you hadn't thought of it. I've only used it once but it seemed a little more personal than the phone. Best of luck on the rest of your trip and I really do hope it starts getting a little better for you

Hi Melody

Don't feel humiliated, some people can't handle that you're changed.
Just keep your pride, you're a very fine woman and it's not your fault others can't deal with it.
But I do understand why it wasn't a pleasant trip.
I hope the future will give improvement, I actually think it will.
Keep faith sister.

hugs
Annette

Dear Mel

So sorry to hear this.

I have no understanding how people can get 'kicks' out of being rude and obnoxious. They then complain like hell when it happens to them. I hope Miguel can start coming to Florida having a dama who works in an amusement park is going to be a BIG plus.

Cindy

dama, a word coined by the daughter of a friend. She could no longer call her dad, and she wasn't her mum, so she is her dama. They live together and she is a fantastic, loving, bright and awesome young woman. I'm proud to know her.

I disagree with the doctor. When I was in court, I had a psychologist state that children really dont notice the change as its magic, the court appointed doctor stated I would harm her and that he could "cure" me (his son, gay BTW, committed suicide a few months later).

Be involved in your sons life, talk to him. Staying away as the doctor says, is hiding, it may make him feel him that you are embarrassed, that some thing is dirty or wrong about who you are and what you are doing.
Let him see you as you are, getting up every day and facing the world. Going to work, inteacting with people. Let him see you overcome obsticals and let him share in your successes. Lead by example.

I understand why you sat in the car waiting for the people to leave. It hurts and it sucks, but I also applaude you for it. Your ex has her own life and it was nice of you to sit back for a while while they left.

Use Skype as the above poster stated. Great idea!

Good luck and stay strong.

You can have my shoulder to cry on if you need it Melody. I too disagree with the doctor. Your son needs both of his parents. You're still you and you love him. Skype is a really good idea. Even if it's not physical contact at least you'd get to "see" him and talk to him. If I can do anything please PM me and let me know. Even if it's just to talk. Be strong hon. You've come a long way.
Hugs
Beth

Quote from: Melody Maia on April 14, 2011, 01:08:34 AM
I already told Trish I don't want to come back. It is much too painful. Hopefully Miguel will start visiting me in Florida soon.

Given what you've said, I really think this will be best, all round.

Your son can get to know you in a different environment, where he can feel so much more natural.

Quote from: Melody Maia on April 14, 2011, 01:08:34 AM
I was forced to sit in the car parked down the block as I watched these people leave the house and get in their cars and leave.

I would have parked the car in front, got out and sat on the hood.

At least you would have been able to see the mettle of this church group.

Maybe somebody would have come over to say hi.

That is so terrible.  I am sorry you are going through this.  BTW, I would never trust what came from your ex's mouth until you heard it yourself.  Like you said, these are HER issues, not yours.  It appears she set out to humiliate you.  Please don't let her!

HUGS!
Kristi

Thanks for the advice ladies and gentlemen. I don't doubt what Trish said is what the doctor said. She also told me that Miguel has told her that he wants to see me more than he does and that seems to be her preference as well.

Miguel and I do video chat. I think our next visit will be in Florida which should help things immensely. He can see me in my new life with new friends and I hope be proud. Right now I feel like the family secret and as my therapist said, secrets build walls. I really don't like being here.

Hi Melody,

I am so sorry to hear about the ordeal you had to go through. I also have two kids ( 5 and 7) and will have to face them and my ex wife at some stage. They do not know yet. I do get to see them about 4 times a year. ( we live about 1500 kilometres apart). As to how I am going to go about coming out to them, I don't know yet.

Should I wait until they are older? Tell them now? Will they understand? So many questions and no answers yet! So frustrating!

Maybe getting them to visit me instead, as you are planning to let Miguel do will work.

Melody, I can fully understand the feelings that you are experiencing at the moment. What scares me endless is that I still have to go through what you are currently going through, and I don't know how to handle it at all.

I wish you and Miguel only the best for the future. If you find some sort of amicable solution that works, please let me know.

Many hugs

Maegan

Maegan, the only thing I can tell you is that my son loves me now as much as ever. The problems I have stem more from how other people view and treat us. From my ex-wife on down to the neighbors. If people would leave us be and not judge, things would be so much better. The closest I will get to that would be a visit by him to where I now live. That would be my only suggestion once they are old enough.

Melody,

Thanks for the reply. I feel your children get to love you as a person, and not the gender you present in. The way we get treated by other people seem to be a worldwide occurrence. We have the same problem in my country. It is however illegal to discriminate against any person here, irrespective of race, color or gender. Gay marriages are completely legal, gender and name changes as well, with no red tape as such. Just a pity the majority of the population are not quite willing to remove the blinkers.

I think I will wait till my children are older before telling them.

By the way, you look stunning in your new avatar pic!! :)

Huggs

Maegan

I smell *coughbull->-bleeped-<-*.  I doubt that the therapist is saying what Miguel actually said.  Being it is coming from a third party ( the ex ), I think it is her saying it.  She does not want you around, because "What will my neighbors think of ME".

It has nothing to do with what Miguel said or wants.  Which he has stated he wants to see more of you.  It is all about what Trish wants.

And making you move down the street tells my it is all about her.  Fly Miguel to you sounds like a better plan.  Might even be cheaper.

This seems like such a humiliating situation, I couldn't imagine myself stuck like that. This has to be the worst part of transition, how some people in your "old" life just can't get over it and start giving you ->-bleeped-<- just for who you are.

Stay strong and stay proud. You are an incredible person.

Quote from: Melody Maia on April 14, 2011, 09:04:39 AM
Maegan, the only thing I can tell you is that my son loves me now as much as ever. The problems I have stem more from how other people view and treat us. From my ex-wife on down to the neighbors. If people would leave us be and not judge, things would be so much better. The closest I will get to that would be a visit by him to where I now live. That would be my only suggestion once they are old enough.

Melody
I'm so sorry, for the way you have been treated. You have to get it through your ex's head that your not hurting anyone. This is tuff to do, nobody excepts change easily, whatever the change.

I do not think time away from your son will make things better, maybe if he was older ,even then I don't think so. If he is telling you something different then what the therapist or your ex is, then I would  trust him 100%.

Just before your post I read one from Jessica R (I believe) about how her 7 year old Daughter wrote about her being bullied when young and that she is now a TRANSXHUAL!  ;)  It made me feel real good about how my children may be.

I am most concerned about my children, but in all honesty I feel they will accept me. What I fear is what you said above. My children may accept me, but after hearing all the remarks and insults from so many people, I fear they will start to agree with the hatred. Even though in my heart I could never see this happening, everyday one of my children say or do something that makes me feel so good that I am doing good raising them with values and morals.

Shelly

Quote from: Melody Maia on April 14, 2011, 01:08:34 AMI was so humiliated at being treated like an embarrassment. A leper.

Oh, Mel, I can SO identify with this.  I am going through something VERY similar with my wife/family.  I am SO sorry to hear this.

Quote from: Melody Maia on April 14, 2011, 01:08:34 AMTrish did later admit these are all her issues. She is just not over it and my very presence brings up feelings of the life she had and the future she wanted. She also doesn't want to deal with telling yet more people what is going on. I guess she wants to just be a normal divorcee and not feel like an "other." I don't have that luxury of course.

Yup, yup, check, yup...

I was at my support group last night, and told my story, and there was a SO there of another trans person, and she reassured me that my wife does still love me, as do my kids, but they just need more time to deal with my transition proerly.  She advised me to stay strong, and try not to take things too personally, and they will come around in time.  It does hurt, in the meantime, and nothing really can help that very much, but if I remain strong and available, I may one day reap the rewards.  I figure that makes sense, and it's worth a try.  It's probably the best chance I have to one day be included in my family again.  Stay strong, girl, and trust.  And STAY IN TOUCH with your young one.  DO NOT listen to anyone who says you should have LESS contact with him.  THAT will damage him more than anything.

{{{{{{{{{MELODY}}}}}}}}}}  Hugs, girl.  We'll get through it.

Remember: hearts are like sticks. Only when they're old, brittle, and worn out can you make a clean break in them. Be thankful that your heart is not brittle and that you're having a difficult time with it. Your son will understand.

Thanks everyone. More tough times with the ex today. She is something of a control freak and scolded me for getting to Miguel's homework late. She had decided to go out to eat and we got home 15 minutes before his usual bedtime, so things were off routine. Sigh. I didn't think it was a big deal, but she freaked and made a big stink. At least I got to talk to Kristi in person for a little over two hours today. I'll post about it in another thread.

Until your son's therapist writes to you and tells you that herself then your ex wife is a liar.

You do realise that refusing to go back there to visit your son and saying that he is going to have to visit you will send him the message that other people's opinions mean more to you than he does, don't you?

You are his parent, and because of your transition you are now his mom. Although you fathered him you are his mom.

Let me tell you now that no mom on the face of this earth who is worth her salt would be told not to visit again to see her child and then just roll over and accept it. A mom fights like a tiger for her kids and knows damn well that she knows what is best for her kid, not some half cocked therapist who hasn't known that boy since before he was born.

You are a great looking woman Melody, I read you as 100% female in your avatar. You can also be a great mom.

Go and be a tiger for your son. Your ex-wife is being his mother, he needs you to be his mom and fight for him. That little boy is relying on you.

What kind of therapist would say such a thing? That's terrible, and either your wife is lying, or the therapist received his or her qualification from an ad at the back of a cereal carton.

I can understand your wife's motivations for treating you like a pariah. Of course, that doesn't make it right. The path we are on isn't easy at all, especially when faced with more traditional viewpoints where who we are is perceived by others as something to be ashamed of.

Anyway, I wish you all the best!