Susan's Place Transgender Resources

What compromises with your transition did you make to make your marriage or relationship work and did those change as your transition progressed?

I'm mostly interested in those of you who were married or in a longterm relationship before you started your transition but would love to hear from anyone in a relationship including SO's.


With my own transition I don't use my female voice around my wife since it really bothers her. I'm still working on my voice and  I'm hoping that her feelings change given enough time but I'm sure some kind of compromise can be reached if it doesn't. I also don't go out in drag around the small town we live in. When it comes time to go full time we'll both have to decide how to handle that.  I always figured that I'd be non-op since my dysphoria was more social than physical but as things progress and hormones do there job the body dysphoria is getting worse. For her it's a "deal breaker" and in time I'll have to decide if it's worth losing our relationship to have the correct genitals. Did any of you decide not to get SRS to make your relationship work?

I've not had to make any compromises. I met my wife when I was 18, had a baby together at 19, married at 25 I'm 45 now. We are still together and in love. She was my biggest supporter. She was and is my best friend.

I lost no friends, only my oldest 1/2 brother but we were never close. I've been employed by the same company for almost 22 years and they supported me. Omly one person at work complained andnhe has since been let go. I'm out on my srs recouperation right now.


There's so many factors in transition and each of us is different.

In the beginning I made some compromises. I would dress during the day, but was changed out of my clothes before my son came home. I maintained the facade of a normal husband/wife relationship at church and social gatherings. My ex and I were just having a small argument over the last one she asked that I couldn't accept. She wanted me to put off HRT for three months. She insisted it was one month. Whatever it was, this may not seem like much, but it set off a full blown dysphoria attack so strong that I started to sob and shake. I felt like I had salvation literally in hand (I had the prescription bottle) and I was being asked not to start on the cure. Worse yet, she had no reason to ask this. She now says it was the beginning of the end, but I think what it did was signal to her that she could no longer control me. She was and is very big on control. If she can't make an Excel spread sheet for it, it drives her insane. Control means that she can prevent herself from getting hurt. Yes, she is getting therapy in part because of these issues. In the end, we did end up divorced.

Very much like you, as my transition has progressed, I have gone from ambivalence about my male parts to dislike. I want them gone. That would have ended things anyway between us. One thing that has come out of all this that surprised me greatly is how uncomfortable my wife is with homosexual issues. It seems that it is ok when it is somebody else, but when it is personal, she can't handle it.

Just a few weeks ago I brought up the issue with my own S.O.- I have never- ever been a person who is comfortable with compromise (this is actually quite different from a person who always has to have it her way), and she knows it. She immediately squashed the topic, stating: "I know you, why give me false hope? You do things completely."

I was disheartened at first, but the longer I thought about it, the more I knew she was right.

So, what I'm doing is what I call "evolutionary transition." Every stop on the TG map will be covered until I'm full time in (hopefully) about 8 months.

Typically if your SO is the same sex as you and not gay or lesbian your marriage will end, but your relationship doesnt have to.  Even though i was married and transitioned, my X-wife and I still remain close because we care about each other, but since she is not a lesbian, and after HRT i went the other direction in terms of preference and became attracted to men things worked out.  We are divorced but it is a very civil process as we both want to go on with our lives but maintain a non-sexual relationship similar to family, in a way we are like sisters.  When she needs to talk she can come to me and I to her, we share things going on in our lives and are there for each other when in need.

Typically i see 3 things that happen in TS transition and married couples

They stay together

They break apart

They break apart but are still bonded in some way (usually kids, but sometimes emotional)

Quote from: EmmaM on April 21, 2011, 12:08:12 PM
So, what I'm doing is what I call "evolutionary transition." Every stop on the TG map will be covered until I'm full time in (hopefully) about 8 months.

By this do you mean that you've plotted a time line for your transition and that you talk about each step with your SO?

Quote from: Karynm8621 on April 21, 2011, 10:43:46 AM
I've not had to make any compromises. I met my wife when I was 18, had a baby together at 19, married at 25 I'm 45 now. We are still together and in love. She was my biggest supporter. She was and is my best friend.

I lost no friends, only my oldest 1/2 brother but we were never close. I've been employed by the same company for almost 22 years and they supported me. Omly one person at work complained andnhe has since been let go. I'm out on my srs recouperation right now.


There's so many factors in transition and each of us is different.

I have to say I forgot you where MtF... I saw "wife and had a baby" and I instantly thought "how the heck.... oh yeah!" lol

[edit]
I can also add that my sons mother wanted me to bank sperm before starting HRT, it was hard for me to do as I had to shoulder the costs myself as well as the obvious problem of waiting on the HRT. In the end I do not think anything would have saved our relationship, I am a very free spirited person and just like melody's ex she is a control "everything must fit neatly in my box" freak.

Quote from: missjanealice on April 21, 2011, 01:49:00 PM
I have to say I forgot you where MtF... I saw "wife and had a baby" and I instantly thought "how the heck.... oh yeah!" lol.

Lol thanks for that I appreciate it.

Sadly in life there's no one size fits all. It's not easy when it comes to this circumstance, everyone will have a different experience even though most of our stories are similar. I read and hear stories of people losing it all in their transitions and it breaks my heart that the world isn't more open and accepting. It sometimes bothers me that I was so lucky in mine when others aren't. So it's a crap shoot and it really comes down to choices and how they are made.

Quote from: Hannah_Irene on April 21, 2011, 12:18:33 PM
By this do you mean that you've plotted a time line for your transition and that you talk about each step with your SO?

I have a timeline, but it's a pretty fluid thing. There's not really any point in talking about it with her, since she is painfully heterosexual and we can't bring ourselves to have sex even now.

She's aware of me layering in little things that make sense over time and she does not object. I stick around to ensure they are taken care of, because I do love my family, but they have to understand that this is going to happen, and it's really, really not open for discussion.

I'm not in any relationships right now and haven't started transitioning yet, but I know it's going to become a problem. Being mostly straight as male, it will be difficult for me to find a happy relationship. The compromise that I'll probably have to make is dating a guy, or not having any relationship whatsoever.

Quote from: Corey on April 21, 2011, 03:19:14 PM
I'm not in any relationships right now and haven't started transitioning yet, but I know it's going to become a problem. Being mostly straight as male, it will be difficult for me to find a happy relationship. The compromise that I'll probably have to make is dating a guy, or not having any relationship whatsoever.

Sorry hon, but that is completely wrong. What makes you think you won't be able to find a relationship as a lesbian female if your sexual orientation does not change? There are many examples here on Susan's and in my own life. I got a date with a girl myself right now as a matter of fact. My best friends here are a genetic lesbian/MTF lesbian couple.

I completely understand what you mean Corey, however after a few deep conversations a woman I know she said the magic words "We are only male and female so that we can reproduce."  Why do we wear the clothes we do?  Her answer "just because society says so."

In other words it's only a problem if someone thinks all sex is for is to reproduce, and we wear the clothes of our apparent gender just because society has said so, if want to wear the clothes of our true gender go right ahead.

I've become aware that I'm trans after years of dysphoria.  For me there's no ideal partner apart from being trans friendly.

I also understand your thinking Corey, but agree it is mistaken. I should say that I and many others, no doubt, have been there though, so no fault on your part.

The reasoning is quite simple really.

Much of the published data suggests that most people who are transgender, realise it at an early age. Some indicators have sugegsted 2 years isn't uncommon. In my case, I was 4. A poll here on Susans' indicated that early realisation wasn't so clear cut, though we should admit that this wasn't scientific.

Now the accepted wisdom is that sexuality comes much later. Generally aproaching pubitry. This suggests a clear distinction between sexuality and gender identification.

Really wish you well in your quest Corey. This is the place to do it.

I'm exclusively attracted to men sexually HOWEVER, sex and love are not the same thing....

So for me fall in love with a trans friendly person (we've been in love me and this particular woman before), so when we have sex it's making love not just having sex.

Could being in love overcome dysphoria?  Sexual dysphoria I'd say yeah but for how long.... not permanantly.  Gender euphoria (it's only dysphoric because of society)?  So no chance on the gender front.

Thanks everyone. It's definitely possible for me to find a relationship with a woman but the chances are very slim with a trans lifestyle. I'm also very picky, unfortunately. Moreover, there is also an issue with dominance/submission. I'm submissive, but I don't like dominant girls. Thus both of us would/should be submissive, and that's awkward. Maybe not so much... I'm not really sure without first trying it. But whenever my "boyfriend" lays his head on my shoulder I find it really awkward because it makes me feel masculine. (GROSS!)

But whatever, it's a compromise that I'm willing to make in order to be myself. :)

What an important subject. Compromise? Well, let's see. Like most of us I've been gender dysphoric forever. I was slow in relationships, but had sort of a common law marriage in the mid 1970s with G. She knew about it early on. At least she knew what I knew. We were together for 3 years, and I really don't think the break-up was gender related, just 2 people not getting along good enough to stay together.

I met C in the early 1980s, again shared with her, again at least what I knew. We married in 1983. We thought at the time and I swallowed the nonsense and self-delusion that I could change.

Of course I couldn't, and didn't.

At that point we played it as just cross-dressing, fit into a busy schedule with kids (hers.) As I seriously investigated ->-bleeped-<- in the early 2000s, and I determined that it was not cross-dressing, rather appropriate gender-role dressing, and that I was horridly wired wrong (or rather, horridly facaded wrong, that is the point where serious compromise had to start. Support group, therapy, hormone therapy, then full-time all provided further points of sexual stress and identity challenge to her.

So, I get my issues identified and addressed; she gets more of them, with no way to resolve them inside the relationship. She is completely hetrosexual; we probably will not ever have a physical relationship again. I'm working out what I am - I suspect bi, but with no history. I do know that I believe if you have a vagina, it should have a penis in it at times. (Sorry if that's over the top.) And I also know that the brain is the most important sex organ. My brain seems to covet penises.

I can see why spouses split or even throw the mate out. Yet, with GRS less than 6 weeks away, we remain married. I think the big compromise is that the friendship can survive the sexual loss. We will see if it is strong enough to survive probable sexual partner replacement.   

While everyones experience is different I think its important ot realize you can't begin to plan for the reaction both your SO's and yours. For me worst case scenario I was struggling just to accept who I was, (when I say struggling this is an understatement, I was suicidal) I finally came out to accepting my "problem" with my Ex wife, she took it upon herself to blab it all over town and took up relations with a "real man" we soon divorsed, I fought for visitation with my kids for 15 years. I went back into the closet out of shame, and here I am today, at least now though I am ok with who I am although I dont ever think I'll risk transition again.. 

Quote from: Sarah7 on April 21, 2011, 06:54:48 PM

Nuh uh. I was totally in love with Viola from Twelfth Night when I was seven. Such crap that she ended up with Orsino, she obviously wanted Olivia. :)

I understand that. I so wanted to be Superman's girlfriend.  :)  (Not a lot of culture in my house!).

But it is generally accepted that sexual preferences are fluid among children. Indeed, most children don't seem to have a lot of interest really.

But gender awareness and gender dysphoria are apparent among very young children.

I am lucky that my boyfriend is extremely supportive. He loves me for me and just wants me to be happy. But then, I am not the kind of person who could have gotten into a relationship in a male role to begin with.

Quote from: pretty on April 23, 2011, 06:04:35 AM
I am lucky that my boyfriend is extremely supportive. He loves me for me and just wants me to be happy. But then, I am not the kind of person who could have gotten into a relationship in a male role to begin with.

I didn't happen to be as lucky. I feel I've had to make a lot of compromises. My girlfriend hates whenever I show my feminine side around her so I made a compromise there. She's even pretty much said that if I ever started to go through transition that I would never see or hear from her again. It's great fun :(

I know we are all different. I told my then girl friend early in the relationship. I dressed for her so she knew what I looked like, shudder to think now what I looked like :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Married 28 yrs. We both knew I was sterile, from a physical attack, but we tried for children. It was way before IVF. So we lived on. She was never interested in lesbian sex, and we (I) gave up male sex about 20 years ago. It just didn't work anymore. We are still married, I live at home now a days 3/4 time as the true me. My wife is in a Nursing home and I remain PT to protect her dignity, and other reasons.

We have had a wonderful life together. And I love her completely.

Cindy

Quote from: CindyJames on April 24, 2011, 04:13:35 AM
I know we are all different. I told my then girl friend early in the relationship. I dressed for her so she knew what I looked like, shudder to think now what I looked like :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Married 28 yrs. We both knew I was sterile, from a physical attack, but we tried for children. It was way before IVF. So we lived on. She was never interested in lesbian sex, and we (I) gave up male sex about 20 years ago. It just didn't work anymore. We are still married, I live at home now a days 3/4 time as the true me. My wife is in a Nursing home and I remain PT to protect her dignity, and other reasons.

We have had a wonderful life together. And I love her completely.

Cindy

You are an absolute lady, Cindy, and I count your wife as extremely fortunate to have you.

Quote from: Izumi on April 21, 2011, 12:12:50 PM
Typically if your SO is the same sex as you and not gay or lesbian your marriage will end, but your relationship doesnt have to.

If I had been honest with myself, I never would have married my now-ex.  But I thought marriage would make the feelings go away (ahahahaha!!).  So we got married, we fell apart, we divorced, all totally unrelated to my gender identity.  The divorce itself got ugly, and we thankfully had no kids.

When I came out on Facebook a few weeks back, I left the security light so peripheral people I may know would see.  My ex was one of those.  She called and we had a very amiable conversation after two years of radio silence.  She said she wished I had told her I was trans while we were married; the marriage still would have ended (she's not attracted to women) but she would have given me her full love and support and we could have parted as friends.  One thing I can say about her, something I knew while we were married, was that she was among the most LGBT-friendly people I ever knew.  We're actually going to meet up this week, her first time seeing the real me.

Cindy, you are such a kind and gentle soul.

Zoe, it sounds like you are in a path of reconciliation with your ex and that strikes a chord with me.

Both of your stories brought tears to my eyes this Easter morning.

Regardless of my most recent SOs' orientation, I didn't feel right going through transition while maintaining sexual relations from the past.

I have no doubt that every one of these relationships blinded me from my problem, being with them made me feel happier and I didn't spend much time thinking about it.

Cross-dressing around them was rare and more of a joke although they probably had a better idea of what I really was, than I did at the time. I managed to meet women who were very open-minded, and so was able to be open about my decision. What shocked me more was the admissions from some of the friends that I told, that they were secretly bi or gay.