Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have been totally in love with this woman who is also my best friend for almost three years....but she is only into 'guys'...why is this so hard to deal with...I mean we are 100% male in mind but our bodies just don't meet the 'requirements'...

Damn this is hard to come to terms with......

I've been in that situation (sort of) where I had the "right" body according to the guys I know, but they wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't identify as female or act "feminine".

Though I was never close to these people so it didn't affect me much. I can imagine it's really hard for you though. Have you talked to her about it, or is this just what you think her preference is based on how she talks about who she finds attractive and whatnot?

we talk about it often...she wishes she could love me the way I love her but she is really into guys....

I'm in the same situation, except the girl I'm in love with has never even considered being with me in a romantic way (she loves me like a brother, you know?), and she's currently happy, engaged, and pregnant. So, you know...sort of the same, but not really.

But most of the girls I hit on, the moment they find out I'm a girl, say something like, "Oh, sorry, I'm not a lesbian."

So...Lee...what the heck does she think you are? A woman? Or something in between?

Quote from: Devyn on April 28, 2011, 10:55:29 PM
I'm in the same situation, except the girl I'm in love with has never even considered being with me in a romantic way (she loves me like a brother, you know?), and she's currently happy, engaged, and pregnant. So, you know...sort of the same, but not really.

But most of the girls I hit on, the moment they find out I'm a girl, say something like, "Oh, sorry, I'm not a lesbian."

Maybe she hit on something there. Have you tried finding a lesbian? Some good places to meet are at Whole Foods, bicycling groups, and of course bars/clubs. Where can I get a yellow equals bumper sticker? I want the pink triangle one too. And the blue line sticker too.
And the ssc sticker.
How I wish there were one specifically for me though. }

Quote from: RabbitsOfTheWorldUnite on April 28, 2011, 11:17:00 PM
Maybe she hit on something there. Have you tried finding a lesbian? Some good places to meet are at Whole Foods, bicycling groups, and of course bars/clubs. Where can I get a yellow equals bumper sticker? I want the pink triangle one too. And the blue line sticker too.
And the ssc sticker.
How I wish there were one specifically for me though. }

Please tell me you're being sarcastic.

That is a hard spot to be in Lee.  I am lucky in that my g/f is straight and sees me as a full guy and she has been supporting me with my transition 100%.  We have been friends a long time and she has told me before there was nothing feminine about me except maybe I like romantic comedies more than most.  It took a night of us just hanging out and getting drunk to finally get together and start a relationship.   I just don't know what the girl you like thinks if you are not a guy.  Is the plumbing the only thing she can equate to male or maybe from a super religious family that has very conservative values?

Quote from: Devyn on April 28, 2011, 11:34:33 PM
Please tell me you're being sarcastic.

I am hoping the same thing.....that is like saying "why dont you just be a happy lesbian"....when everyone heer knows that we don't identify as 'lesbian' ........

Quote from: Jigsaw on April 29, 2011, 06:00:50 AM
That is a hard spot to be in Lee.  I am lucky in that my g/f is straight and sees me as a full guy and she has been supporting me with my transition 100%.  We have been friends a long time and she has told me before there was nothing feminine about me except maybe I like romantic comedies more than most.  It took a night of us just hanging out and getting drunk to finally get together and start a relationship.   I just don't know what the girl you like thinks if you are not a guy.  Is the plumbing the only thing she can equate to male or maybe from a super religious family that has very conservative values?

This one is kinda funny given that I told her last night that I would just have to get her drunk....lol....not an option anyway since she doesn't touch alcohol! But a nice concept :)
And yes...the only 'feminine' thing about me is that I like romantic comedies too....
And no she is not super religious - quite the opposite . I can't judge her harshly for her preferences it just sucks that I can't be what she needs......

Quote from: Jigsaw on April 29, 2011, 06:00:50 AM
That is a hard spot to be in Lee.  I am lucky in that my g/f is straight and sees me as a full guy and she has been supporting me with my transition 100%.  We have been friends a long time and she has told me before there was nothing feminine about me except maybe I like romantic comedies more than most.  It took a night of us just hanging out and getting drunk to finally get together and start a relationship.   I just don't know what the girl you like thinks if you are not a guy.  Is the plumbing the only thing she can equate to male or maybe from a super religious family that has very conservative values?

That sounds exactly like my relationship with my girlfriend.

I would be very offended if a girl told me that. So much that I would probably reconsider even the friendship. She could have found a better way of saying that if she is your friend... like "I just don't see you in that way" then it can be taken in so many ways. Besides, if all she cares about is what's in your pants then she isn't the kind of girl you want.

She has been very understanding about the whole thing and says that she wishes she loved me the way I want her too....She seems to be hung up on ugly muscle guys and she admits it....lol!

Perhaps you could introduce her to the Hulk.

Quote from: Arch on April 30, 2011, 09:35:23 PM
Perhaps you could introduce her to the Hulk.

Or better still become the hulk....lol!!!

In all honesty though she is an amazing person and without her I would never have been able to have the courage to finally make this change in my life.
It just sucks to have someone you care deeply about but not be in a position to really show them.....

If someone can't accept, love and see you for what you really are, which is a man, screw them. If she can't see that you ARE a man, well....I'm not even gonna get started on a rant about that, cause I could go for miles about how it pisses me off.

Sounds like she is an awesome friend, and that's what really matters. Romantic love really can come and go, whereas true friends are hard to come by. We like to this of this as a trans thing, but you're hardly the first guy to fall in love and have it be unrequited.

I really don't get the disapproval in this thread as though your friend doesn't think you are a "real" man. It doesn't sound like she has a problem with your transition or being a guy. She's just attracted to parts you don't have. Sucks, but that's reality. I don't begrudge anyone for being sexually into what they're into.

One other thing I'd point out is that perspectives change. One of my closest friends, whom I came out to first among my friends - is gay, and he totally supported my transition. He was immediately onboard with names and pronouns, even though it did not come natural. That was pretty evident when OTHER people would refer to me as "he" or "him" and I could see the second flicker before he recognized who they were talking about. Despite his acceptance of me, it wasn't for months until he felt like hanging out with me was like hanging out with a *guy* as opposed to just *me*, and now, he's referred to me as a man just by instinct, because it feels "right." What's changed is that I look and sound different to some extent, and the stuff we talk about has shifted ever so slightly.

People who know us the longest can take the longest to see us as different in any way, even if they "understand" what trans is and want to be supportive. It's not uncommon for her to have trouble really absorbing and internalizing you as a man, and that is the kind of thing that can take more time. It's definitely NOT the reason to ditch a true friend, as some people in this thread have suggested.

Quote from: Sean on May 01, 2011, 12:50:57 PMI really don't get the disapproval in this thread as though your friend doesn't think you are a "real" man. It doesn't sound like she has a problem with your transition or being a guy. She's just attracted to parts you don't have. Sucks, but that's reality. I don't begrudge anyone for being sexually into what they're into.

Sean, when a woman tells an interested trans man that she is only into guys, that sounds to me as if she doesn't think of him as a real man. Perhaps hers was an unfortunate choice of words, but she could have rejected him in some other way that did not deny his manhood.

The OP paraphrased the friend as saying she was only into 'guys' (OP's quotes, not mine), and then in his own post, said, "she wishes...but is only into guys..." The OP also said that the friend was understanding about the whole thing.

I understood this to mean that the friend gets the whole trans = man thing but is attracted to guy BODY PARTS and means cis guys. It seems ambiguous, but otherwise, I don't understand how the friend could be both amazing and supportive and ALSO denying the OP's gender identity at the same time. So rather than assuming she is denying that he is a real man, it made more sense that she's just saying she's not attracted to men without cis dick.

Sean you have made valid points here and as you so rightly say it is no reason to ditch a true friend at all!!!
After all she was the one who supported me throughout this whole process and in fact encouraged me to go for it.
It is not her fault that she doesn't feel 'that' way about me.
It is however difficult to come to terms with. For some reason I just can't give up and no one else even interests me...now that is tough!

I somewhat know what you mean. I love a woman so much it hurts and she loves me. She knows I'm trans but sees me as only a guy. She knew me as a guy before I told her I was trans. However, due to other circumstances (long story), we can't be together. So, I understand you about loving someone you can't have for whatever reasons. :(

Lee, what are her thoughts on prosthetics- especially for play? There are some nice realistic ones- even with testicles. I'm told they feel the same (to the receiver) as a natural one... but with less mess. :) If her hang-up is just genitalia this could be an option to explore. I don't know if you have the money for one right now, since a nice one can get pricey, but it's an option to think about.

I have not been "there" with this subject matter, but I think of it ALL the time and it's one of the reasons I remain celibate.  I have a great fear of having to hear this one day upon trying to get intimate with someone or upon revealing (if I'm even stealth, for that matter) I'm biologically female and have no desire to really hide it.

The closest story to it I have:  My first "kiss" was with a boy... long time ago, I think I was in 5th grade?  Truth or Dare, of course, but it was intentionally set-up to happen.  It happened on other occasions in sweet innocent.  Awh!  The good old days.  (Boy how kids have changed, lol.)  We were friends since we were very very young, sadly he moved away about a year later and we didn't keep in touch.  NO internet back then either, haha.

Anyway, a few years ago I found him on MySpace and we friend-ed up.  It was so awkward.  We could chat up a storm as if we never parted as friends, but I still have that damn crush on him, however, I know nothing will ever happen because he likes females, and he likes them very feminine!  It is the biggest slap across the face knowing I transitioned to represent ME the way I FEEL, but now lost out on a potential relationship because, the "real me" isn't of the taste of so many, including those we may have once been with, or had a potential relationship with.

And then trying to find someone, so much fear, but I see so many successful relationship and wonder how on earth they get so lucky.  I feel like the food of a fetish sometimes.  Who knows!  It seems safe to sometimes stick with your own type (other trans. members)... but that simply would be a really bad way to think and live your life. 

Hey, hopefully we are the start to the world changing and not basing love and relationships on genitalia.

I hope we are the start of something new too....in my book love really should have no gender!

Dude Im in the same exact position. I posted like and identical topic a wile back. Im am so in love with my best friends it hurts. it kills me. it makes me painfully jealous and almost sick to see her with other guys. She tells me she likes men.. that were born with all the parts... and thats always how it will be. i got no advice because im struggling with this really hard and i dont know how im gunna get over it. we've been best friends for over 4 years now. im sorry man, i really know how it feels.

Quote from: Lee11 on May 06, 2011, 07:48:43 PM
I hope we are the start of something new too....in my book love really should have no gender!

Unfortunately, most people (including me) seem to have expectations about our lovers' genitals. Maybe some of that is due to conditioning. Over the last few years, I've been noticing that my students seem to be more fluid about both gender and sexuality than the previous generation.

I dread the day when I start getting interested in a guy, get serious enough to come out, and am rejected because he's "not into women." I'm not looking for a relationship right now--I have way too much other stuff on my plate--but I honestly don't want to be single forever. Still, I don't relish the risks involved in looking seriously for a partner. I don't give much for my chances. I'm pushing fifty, I'm gay, and I'm trans. Three strikes, yer out.

Quote from: Michael James on May 07, 2011, 10:52:48 PM
Dude Im in the same exact position. I posted like and identical topic a wile back. Im am so in love with my best friends it hurts. it kills me. it makes me painfully jealous and almost sick to see her with other guys. She tells me she likes men.. that were born with all the parts... and thats always how it will be. i got no advice because im struggling with this really hard and i dont know how im gunna get over it. we've been best friends for over 4 years now. im sorry man, i really know how it feels.

Thanks for this! You are right this is the same situation. It makes you kinda crazy but you have no control...if you ever feel like e mailing me please do...I am sure we share days that are identical with this!

Unfortunately, most people (including me) seem to have expectations about our lovers' genitals. Maybe some of that is due to conditioning. Over the last few years, I've been noticing that my students seem to be more fluid about both gender and sexuality than the previous generation.
I dread the day when I start getting interested in a guy, get serious enough to come out, and am rejected because he's "not into women." I'm not looking for a relationship right now--I have way too much other stuff on my plate--but I honestly don't want to be single forever. Still, I don't relish the risks involved in looking seriously for a partner. I don't give much for my chances. I'm pushing fifty, I'm gay, and I'm trans. Three strikes, yer out.

The subject of gender and sexuality sure is complex....and I hope you are wrong about your chances...I am pushing 50 myself!!