Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Quite honestly, I'm just coming to this point where I don't even want to exist anymore.
I'm actually fed up with having ot keep this secret because everyboy around me wouldn't understand. I'm tired of being too pussy to get out there and tell everyone I'm a transsexual. (Which is exactly what I want.)
I'm just so fu**ing tired of having my father remind me that was born as the only thing in the world I hate: a boy. F gender, f the world, f me.

...

I actually paused for fifteen minutes there, you may not realize it but that small thing up there is about six months of me stufing my anger inside of every nook and cranny of my soul. I think once i graduate high school I'm just going to tell my family I'm a girl and start transitioning. I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't know. I'm not even sure if anyone's really going to get me or give a crap, I'm just so tired of all this. I think whay I need is to take that first step.
Problem is i don't know how to do it. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my family and yet at the some time sometimes I just want to shout it out t the dinner table.
I'm
so
fed up.

Not just with the people around me, with myself. What the fu** is taking me so long to get help? Why can't I just go see my friggin guidance counselor? All I need to do is go fill out a friggin request form and friggin hand it in. For all I know they'll hook me up with someone who can persrcibe me hormones. Unless I'm too undeRAGE FOR GOD SAKE>

You just experienced my thought process. Everything seems fine and dandy until reality ->-bleeped-<-s on my parade.

I don't even know if I'm going to post this, I sound like a whiny beeotch.

Edit: Yeah, I posted it :P I also just noticed I wrote undeRAGE :P The selection of capital letters there was completely arbitrary :P I'm sorry, I'm usually a really happy person! I'm just ventilating out all tis crap I'm hiding away from the world. Usually I'm pretty confident in the way I look! I have really minimal facial hair, and I'm adressed as a female everywhere I go :D (My profile picture is like 6 months old and taken at six or seven in the morning :P   )
Anyways, if anybody has any opinions on how to come out and get hormones I'd be more than happy to listen.
Love Mattie. (< Yes, thats how I'm spelling it now :3  )

Mattie, you will get to the point that you are responsible for you.  No one will be taking care of your needs ( food, housing, etc ) and you can then not have to worry about whether or not they will accept you.

In the mean time you need to do what you can for you, and you alone.  Seek out those who may be able to help.

Oh and BTW ......

---

Hi Mattie, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 6700 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

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Hugs and Love,
Janet

You're not "too pussy", hon. You're doing what everyone here has done at some point in their life. You're fighting the age-old battle between the burning desire to be free, and the equally burning desire of self-preservation. That's the first thing to realise right there. As much as you hate your reticense to say anything, the reason you don't say anything isn't because you just daren't, for no reason whatsoever. So don't think of it as a weakness on your part, okay? Because it isn't. The human creature is masterful at doing what it needs to survive, it's an evolutionary thing, and if that means there's a chance that doing something will jeopardise your basic needs such as a place to stay, a place to feel secure and a scenario whereby you get food and clothing etc... that's a very, very strong primal instinct to overcome.

The second thing to realise is, and there's no easy way to say this, that going by your feelings in your post... not telling your family will just as likely ruin your relationship with them, eventually. Unless you find a way to channel your self-destructive anger into something that can drive you forward. It's something I've noticed as a sort of common theme with people faced with the barrier of their true selves being currently hidden. A lot of the time, the reason nothing is said is because of the fear that relationships will be ruined. But as an impartial observer, it's fairly easy to see from the tone of the posts, that the self-hate, the sheer fury and the feeling of being stuck in a place you really don't want to be... is having the exact same effect.

I've done it myself in several situations, you start to blame those around you for being the way they are, and start to see that as the reason you can't say anything, and it becomes their fault.
"Damn you for being so nice that I can't say anything."
"Damn you for being too busy that there's never a right time."
"I hate you for not being the same as me, for being unable to understand what I'm going through, why can't you just see what I'm screaming out here and save me the trouble of telling you?"

Posting here is a good start, hon. Getting it all out and stopping it from burning up inside you is the first step, and you've already taken it. :)

I think the first thing to do is to write it all down, somewhere no one will see, if that's more comfortable at this time. Not necessarily for anyone's attention but your own. Write down exactly what you'd say to someone if you had the opportunity. You need to tell someone, that much is clear, so why not make the first person you tell be that annoying little paperclip thing that comes with Word? The advantage of this is that then you can work on clarifying your thoughts in such a way that if, at some point, you decide to take that step and tell your guidance councillor, someone who is more removed than your immediate family, then you'll know just what to say. Heck, you could even just give them what you've written and save yourself the trouble.

If you don't feel able to say anything at the moment, then channel your feelings into a more constructive use, and make your first step being one of preparation for when you do. You know it will come at some point, so use this time for getting ready, and working on how you will do it, what you will say that will leave no room for misunderstanding. Give yourself a purpose, something to aim for (even if that isn't outright taking the leap of faith yet) and you'll find that this will go a long way to making a lot of those feelings of helplessness go away.

*hug*

I spilled it all when it was time, I don't remember exactly how it happened but I was doing what I used to always do, walk out late a night and take a walk to think things through, my mom I remember stopped me at the door, don't remember why, what was said, but I told her that I wasn't happy with myself. At the time I had already done little things such as getting my ears pierced, wearing fingernail polish, shaving much of my body, and trying on clothes out of my mom's closet when alone (nothing too personal, tops, skirts, dresses, that sorta stuff), and she was asking me to talk to her, to stop walking out, why am I so angry all the time, she actually thought that I'd tell her that I was gay, she could accept that, she'd still love me regardless, but instead I told her that I hated myself, what I was, that I wanted to be a girl! She didn't take that too well of coarse, and like most parents in denial, she thought it was just some phase, that it would pass, that I'd get over it, maybe there were some drugs that I could take to counteract how I'm feeling. Its been so long seriously I can't remember crap really about that night, just a few little figments, mostly just emotions, but I do remember her and her boyfriend up in her bedroom, my mom if I recall was kinda histerical, she thought afterall that she was not only losing a son, but also that her child would turn out to be some sorta freak, afterall there really wasn't a whole lot known about transsexuals then, nor even now among general population, even I didn't even know much, just that I was, I knew how I felt about myself and that things had to change, otherwise I'd do something as drastic as killing myself, and this is what he had told her, that Michael is still your child, he's still going to be who he is, even if you don't understand how he's feeling, if you let him walk out that door tonight making him feel like he's alone, unaccepted my the one he looks to most, his mom, that could very well be the last you ever see of him. He was a good guy by the way, always liked him, he even gave me my hormone shots at first, sometimes wish that he and my mom could've lasted, they were together for a very long time, other factors involved unrelated to me that broke them up. Anyway, and so she came down and we talked more about it. I reassured her that I was not going to suddenly go outside wearing a ton of make-up, slutty revealing outfits, or other flashy garments to attract attention, I'm not looking to be a hooker, and I'm not wanting to be a woman for any sexual reasons, she was worried about being embarrassed I think as much as for my safety, but I'm just not that kind of person. And my personality wouldn't change, that I'd still be the me that she has always known, only I'd be happier with myself, all that quiet, hidden rage would be gone. Of coarse I'd have to take things in little steps, a very gradual process, as much for me as well as to ease my mom into the new me, that after a few years have passed, she didn't even notice the changes until comparisons were made of the me then and later.

I know somewhere deep inside of her she still hurts from the part of me that she did lose, something is always going to be lost with such drastic transitions as what I was taking, that I am no longer her son, even if a part of me will always be, she didn't exactly lose me afterall, its not like I died or something, though I could have, but she loves and accepts me as a daughter now, and knowing that I'm happy, she's happy. She didn't get to see those typical things that mother's want to see their sons go through, girlfriend, marriage, children, therefore grandchildren by me, but what she gained from accepting me for who I really am, we have a much closer relationship, and I know that she values that more than anything, I certainly do, I love my mom. She actually can't wait til I get back on the hormones again, just as much as I want them, because the past two years that I've been off of them, I haven't always been that nice to her, I go through similar moods that I used to always have all the time before hormones, quiet hostility, doing things to hurt myself, snapping at her rudely or answering with sarcasm, and the gradual feeling that we're becoming more distant again, she got used to girly me, so did I. That angry withdrawn person wasn't who I was long ago, I was angry, frustrated with myself, even if I am like that at times now, I know its only because of the confusion, and my mom knows it too, that's why she can forgive me now when I get in those moods, because through all the years knowing me, she's come to understand better how I feel. But what if she had decided never to give me that chance, that night I came out to her about myself, that she was unwilling to accept it, would I still be here? What would I have done? How would she have been able to deal with it? There's a lot of questions that one should ask, this from the one coming out to their parents, as well as those such as parents, consequences must be weighed very carefully.


You'll know when the time is to come out to those needing to come out to, its when you just can't hold it in anymore, you'll either just calmly tell them, or be like me, explode in a burst of tears and hardly able to remember much of anything that went on then afterward.

I'm having trouble coming out too. I know my dad and aunt will accept me, I'm at a point where it seems so easy to out myself, but something holds me back. I'm tired of my mom bitching at me about how she wants me to be a 'real man' just because I don't want to cut my hair. Frankly, her's is the opinion I care the least about. But everyone else, I can just imagine how they'd feel if I told them. :-\

I guess that's more about me. Srry >.<

For what it's worth Mattie, I and many others know the place you're in, right now.

It's a real place and needs fixing.

Really wish I could tell you what you need to do, but apart from what you already know, I don't have any more information.

I decided not to come out at all.  The only people in "real life" I've ever told were two friends and one family member.  Most of the other people I know wouldn't understand.  Actually, over half of the people I have told don't understand.  But they are at least mature enough not to be judgmental about it.

The way I see it, what I do with my body and my life is my business.  If they want to make it their business, that is their problem.  But I am not going to make it their business.  I have more important things to do with my life.

For a long time I tore myself up about lying and keeping secrets (I really hate lying).  Then one day I realized that I don't have any obligation to tell people about who I am or what I am doing.  Instead, I choose to tell only the people who are mature and deserving of such knowledge.  Nobody has the right to such knowledge, regardless of how similar their blood is to mine.  If I show someone who I am, it is because they will appreciate what makes me me.  I don't show someone who I am just because they have the same genes.

I have gone the opposite way Mattie.   I really don't feel like talking to anyone about being TS/TG, as my last few posts will show.