Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Anyone else having problems with people using wrong pronouns when they know your trans and continue to use wrong pronouns. I'm not talking about family or friends I know they will constantly get the pronouns wrong, I'm talking about like doctors that know or the nurse that gives you your shot? The nurse that gives me my shot every other week is always calling me mam (I'm not sure if I spelled that right) it kills me. I don't understand why she's calling me mam when she knows I want to be a guy? It's really upsetting. I'd like to go by my male name, but I feel uncomfortable saying anything. I hate going by my female name.

Also, I was just wondering for the guys getting their shots by the nurse or when they go to the endo for a check up, do they use your male name or your female name? And when you go to get your blood test done, do they call out your female name when your going to get your blood drawn? It would be embarrassing if you passing as male and their calling out a female name and theirs people in the room. Do you say something to the receptionist asking just to use the last name so your not embarrassed?

.

My boyfriend, constantly. In fact, sometimes I know I'm passing, and he'll shoot it down. It's not malicious, just oblivious. If she was calling you Ma'am while GIVING you your T shot, that is not funny. It's very rude. I know it's awkward but say something, it's very important that the nurse needs to be set straight. I don't have any docs because I'm not on T yet, but if that happened I would be pissed. I let it go most times when professionals mix up my pronouns because I haven't changed my name yet, so fair is fair.

I'm sorry your bf does that. that sucks.

Sometimes after the shot, she'll say Ma'am. She's like, "there you are Ma'am"! Or like today she handed me an envelope of papers and said, "Here ya go Ma'am"! And the receptionist guy there noticed my voice getting deeper and he's like, "say that again". And I said, " my voice is getting deeper" and he's like "yeah",(the receptionist guy knows I'm trans) and that's when the nurse said, " here you go Ma'am!  And she just heard me say to him that my voice is getting deeper.

I dunno... maybe she doesn't know what to say. But I think it's obvious that I want to go by male pronouns.

My employer and strangers in general are my main problem. My new doctor is part of an LGBT clinic. The office took a long time to get my name right (they forgot to enter in my preferred name a bunch of times). I'm pretty sure they'll get my name right the next time I go in.

Wow, really?

When I first went to my endo and gave them my ID (with my birth name on it) the receptionist was like "okay so what really is your name?" and called me Jay and he ever since.

But I recently moved and got a new family doctor and I heard her talking outside the door and realized she was referring to me as she. I was really shocked because she seemed to get it otherwise.

When people I don't know or don't care about use female pronouns for me I ignore them and pretend that I think they are talking to someone else. When it is someone I know and am out to I look at them directly and say "I am a HE".

James-Allen: Yeah I don't know how you put up with that. If that was my boyfriend, well he wouldn't be.

My name isnt legally changed but i pass 200% of the time...my endo asked me what i wanna be called and he put my prefered name in the system. He always uses male pronouns even when talkng about me with others...

However my family doc goes out of her way to use female pronouns...pisses me off but i dont say anything...i stoped going for my shot i now do it myself

Correct them, make it clear what you expect from them.

So, just out of curiosity, how would y'all interpret it if someone you thought was a friend was pissed off at you and made a point to start off a text to you by putting your "girl name" in caps and in quotes, even though you've been going by your "boy name" with him for nearly a year?

The doctors and nurses at my clinic asked which pronouns I preferred, and they stick to them. I even noticed that they do it when I'm not around, as I overheard a dialogue between a nurse and the doctor before they came into the room I was in.

The thing that bothers me the most though, is when people meet me as I am now and assume I'm male, until they find out I'm trans and then use female pronouns. I don't really think there's any excuse for that when I've introduced myself to them as a male. I can understand it for someone who knew me before, and had to get used to new pronouns. But I was talking to my therapist the other day and she referred to me as "she." She apologized, but it was still rough. Cause, you know, that's my gender therapist. Same for my dad's girlfriend. I even got on her case about it, and she gave me this long speech about how sorry she was, and that she understood, but she never bothered to get any better.

Also as for Eli's question: I would be pissed off. That's a really dirty move for a friend to pull.

Quote from: Nygeel on May 24, 2011, 06:54:18 PM
My employer and strangers in general are my main problem. My new doctor is part of an LGBT clinic. The office took a long time to get my name right (they forgot to enter in my preferred name a bunch of times). I'm pretty sure they'll get my name right the next time I go in.

I hope they get it right for you. It really sucks when they don't get it right.

Quote from: Sharky on May 24, 2011, 09:16:37 PM
Correct them, make it clear what you expect from them.

I feel weird correcting them, kinda shy about it. They see me as female for some reason. I hope I can get the courage to tell them to call me by my preferred name.

Quote from: phoenixflorida on May 24, 2011, 10:41:40 PM
The doctors and nurses at my clinic asked which pronouns I preferred, and they stick to them. I even noticed that they do it when I'm not around, as I overheard a dialogue between a nurse and the doctor before they came into the room I was in.

The thing that bothers me the most though, is when people meet me as I am now and assume I'm male, until they find out I'm trans and then use female pronouns. I don't really think there's any excuse for that when I've introduced myself to them as a male. I can understand it for someone who knew me before, and had to get used to new pronouns. But I was talking to my therapist the other day and she referred to me as "she." She apologized, but it was still rough. Cause, you know, that's my gender therapist. Same for my dad's girlfriend. I even got on her case about it, and she gave me this long speech about how sorry she was, and that she understood, but she never bothered to get any better.

Also as for Eli's question: I would be pissed off. That's a really dirty move for a friend to pull.

That sucks that people would use female pronouns once they found out you were trans after you introduced yourself as male. That's not right. I'm sorry about that.

My first endo called me she all the time, as well as using my birth name, he didn't ask me for a preffered name at all. The same with my first psychiatrist, and that woman was a specialist! My GP still calls me she, but as soon as I legally changed my name and had them fix it on the files, she calls me by that. I think her calling me by my birth name was what she considered 'professional'.

I went to another endo who specialised in trans matters in a city further away and he was great, he used male pronouns right from the start. And my third psych used male pronouns as well, and called me he all through her letter for T.

I think noting what a professional calls you can tell a lot about their experience, and how they're going to treat you in the long run. If they don't know enough about the person they're working with to even realise that calling them by the wrong name or pronoun is harmful, then should they really be working with trans people at all?

Quote from: MaxAloysius on May 24, 2011, 11:23:18 PM
My first endo called me she all the time, as well as using my birth name, he didn't ask me for a preffered name at all. The same with my first psychiatrist, and that woman was a specialist! My GP still calls me she, but as soon as I legally changed my name and had them fix it on the files, she calls me by that. I think her calling me by my birth name was what she considered 'professional'.

That totally sucks.

QuoteI went to another endo who specialised in trans matters in a city further away and he was great, he used male pronouns right from the start. And my third psych used male pronouns as well, and called me he all through her letter for T.

I'm glad they got it right.

QuoteI think noting what a professional calls you can tell a lot about their experience, and how they're going to treat you in the long run. If they don't know enough about the person they're working with to even realise that calling them by the wrong name or pronoun is harmful, then should they really be working with trans people at all?

Probably not. I think their not sure what pronouns to use. But they should ask you in the beginning what you would prefer to be called.

Quote from: EliNewGuy on May 24, 2011, 09:29:28 PM
So, just out of curiosity, how would y'all interpret it if someone you thought was a friend was pissed off at you and made a point to start off a text to you by putting your "girl name" in caps and in quotes, even though you've been going by your "boy name" with him for nearly a year?

I think I would be minus a friend. None of my friends has been so immature or disrespectful to do something like this. If I had any friends who were that kind of person, well, I probably wouldn't have been friends with them in the first place.

Quote from: phoenixflorida on May 24, 2011, 10:41:40 PM
But I was talking to my therapist the other day and she referred to me as "she."

Large boulders. Tiny straw. Suction.

This borders on inexcusable...maybe it is inexcusable but possibly forgivable. Once.

I guess therapists are human, too, but a "slip" like this would not inspire me with confidence.

Sorry again for interrupting,

A couple of things, correct medical people, straight away, not after but during. If you are having T injection and the nurse refers to you in any feminine way. STATE, it is sir (whatever you wish to be referred as). Medical people will always refer to people with the track of least resistance. They are also generally gender neutral. This is going to sound rude forgive me, it is not meant in an insulting way. If you look 'feminine' they will call you by female pronouns, if you look masculine they will call you by male pronouns. Unless they know you. I'm often referred to with male pronouns when I go to my medics, no matter how I'm dressed; how any nurse could say Hi sir that is a really cute skirt I do not know, they only do it once  >:-). Most of the medics who deal with me now call me Cindy. Which is fine. I have no problems sitting in the waiting area and the receptionist whatever calls out, Cindy you are on room 5.

I suspect and apologise again, because of FtM upbringing you may have a non-aggressive relationship to people. None aggressive males tend to be walked over, it is the nature of masculinity. So you have to break that learned instinct and be more aggressive in social circumstances.  YOU tell them straight away. YOU have to break the mould. YOU stand up for yourself. When on T it should get easier as you will become more aggressive, but you need to practice it, sensibly. It's often told to the girls at Susie's to watch how other woman their age act and relate. It is very important that you guys do as well. Young guys have a social structure that you want to fit in to. But be careful, there is aggression and violence, and most GG guys will have massively higher upper body strength until you can work out etc. So proving yourself through violence will be counter productive.

I now feel like your Grandma

Sorry, I wasn't trying to preach, but I love my boys

Cindy

Cindy

Hahaha, nice advice Cindy :P I happen to agree, I'm really forthright, and I'll say what I think, and I find more often than not rather than being offended for being called up on something they did wrong, people will apologise and most try to change the behaviour. But if you do nothing, people will think they can get away with it, and they will just walk all over you because it's easier for them.

I find in the long run, it's better to have a quick awkward conversation with someone about how they're getting it bloody wrong and if they don't stop something irreplacable is going to be damaged! than worrying constantly about them outing you or treating you in an emotionally painful way.

Listen to your Grandma.  :angel:

Cindy hit the nail on the head. Well said.

There's plenty of mild mannered CGs in the world...but they're already pegged as male.
For us, not standing up for ourselves is a good way to continue being perceived as female.

Also, watch your body language. My posture was terrible before chest surgery & whenever I would feel awkward or uneasy with people, I would kinda shrink up even more and look down or away. This does not look male.
With all the awkward situations we go through in transition, we gotta learn to hold our heads up and walk right into it like we belong there. Men do not need permission to be men.

Quote from: EliNewGuy on May 24, 2011, 09:29:28 PM
So, just out of curiosity, how would y'all interpret it if someone you thought was a friend was pissed off at you and made a point to start off a text to you by putting your "girl name" in caps and in quotes, even though you've been going by your "boy name" with him for nearly a year?

I'd rip them a new one. I had a friend call me and leave a voicemail which ended up being like "Answer the damn phone, woman" and I wigged out on him hardcore. I'm done taking it from people, regardless of who they are.

My issue is actually backwards, I haven't had anyone call me a girl in public for a while now, my family/friends are just having issues with it. I can forgive my mom because, well, she's my mom. She knows the situation, and she's trying to get used to it and that's all I can ask from her. It's my friends, though, who've seen what it does to me. That's where it pisses me off.

QuoteSo, just out of curiosity, how would y'all interpret it if someone you thought was a friend was pissed off at you and made a point to start off a text to you by putting your "girl name" in caps and in quotes, even though you've been going by your "boy name" with him for nearly a year?

I would likely interpret that as goodbye.

Not cool and possibly dangerous if he were to do crap like that in front of the wrong people.

I've never had a medical professional address me by the wrong gender, and if I did then I would firmly but politely correct them. If they continued to do it I would say "I have already corrected you once, so I can only assume you are going out of your way to offend me and I will be speaking to your immediate superior." That is because medical professionals should know better.

A junior of mine accidentally slipped up today and referred to me as "she". When I corrected him he said "Oh sh**! I'm sorry." I told him "It's fine, you get one free pass and then next time I string you up by your thumbs over a pit of live scorpions." Which made him laugh. So I don't think he'll forget again.

Friends...if one of mine went out of their way to be nasty enough to very deliberately refer to me as "she" or by a female name, I would say "OK. That's you and me done. Bye bye." And that really would be it.

Dominick, I know it's daunting to correct someone, especially if you don't feel very authoritative or confident in yourself just yet. But when you get it out of the way, you'll feel so much better, not just at that moment, but from then on when you don't have to hear the wrong pronouns anymore. Just try to repeat that to yourself next time you're in that situation. I know when I stood up for myself it made me shaky, but I didn't back down and later on that case of nerves turned into a huge rush after I realized, "Hey, I can really do this, I can really ask people to respect me instead of just hope they'll one day 'get it' or change their minds." That's what any human deserves after all. And you're the only person who can make that aspect of your life better, so jump right in.

Quote from: CindyJames on May 25, 2011, 05:52:02 AM
Sorry again for interrupting,

A couple of things, correct medical people, straight away, not after but during. If you are having T injection and the nurse refers to you in any feminine way. STATE, it is sir (whatever you wish to be referred as). Medical people will always refer to people with the track of least resistance. They are also generally gender neutral. This is going to sound rude forgive me, it is not meant in an insulting way. If you look 'feminine' they will call you by female pronouns, if you look masculine they will call you by male pronouns. Unless they know you. I'm often referred to with male pronouns when I go to my medics, no matter how I'm dressed; how any nurse could say Hi sir that is a really cute skirt I do not know, they only do it once  >:-). Most of the medics who deal with me now call me Cindy. Which is fine. I have no problems sitting in the waiting area and the receptionist whatever calls out, Cindy you are on room 5.

I suspect and apologise again, because of FtM upbringing you may have a non-aggressive relationship to people. None aggressive males tend to be walked over, it is the nature of masculinity. So you have to break that learned instinct and be more aggressive in social circumstances.  YOU tell them straight away. YOU have to break the mould. YOU stand up for yourself. When on T it should get easier as you will become more aggressive, but you need to practice it, sensibly. It's often told to the girls at Susie's to watch how other woman their age act and relate. It is very important that you guys do as well. Young guys have a social structure that you want to fit in to. But be careful, there is aggression and violence, and most GG guys will have massively higher upper body strength until you can work out etc. So proving yourself through violence will be counter productive.

I now feel like your Grandma

Sorry, I wasn't trying to preach, but I love my boys

Cindy

Cindy

That is so true, if you look female they will refer to you as female. But I don't think I look that female. I think borderline in passing and my voice is dropping and not so female now.

QuoteI'm often referred to with male pronouns when I go to my medics, no matter how I'm dressed; how any nurse could say Hi sir that is a really cute skirt I do not know, they only do it once  >:-)

Really? That sucks. I'm sorry. I can't believe someone would use male pronouns when your presenting female. That's weird someone would do that, I'm sorry.

Yes this is true, I'm not an aggressive person. I'm the type where people can walk all over me. I have to learn to be more aggressive. When I go in for my next shot (if other people aren't around) I'm gunna ask them to change my name in the computer... if they can.

Thanks Cindy. :)

Quote from: phoenixflorida on May 25, 2011, 03:38:57 PM
Dominick, I know it's daunting to correct someone, especially if you don't feel very authoritative or confident in yourself just yet. But when you get it out of the way, you'll feel so much better, not just at that moment, but from then on when you don't have to hear the wrong pronouns anymore. Just try to repeat that to yourself next time you're in that situation. I know when I stood up for myself it made me shaky, but I didn't back down and later on that case of nerves turned into a huge rush after I realized, "Hey, I can really do this, I can really ask people to respect me instead of just hope they'll one day 'get it' or change their minds." That's what any human deserves after all. And you're the only person who can make that aspect of your life better, so jump right in.

Thanks. :) I will try to start correcting people b/c it really sucks when they use the wrong pronouns.

Dominick, I used to be like you in middle school about everything. I wouldn't stand up for myself no matter what. But one day I just got tired of the bullsh** and said my opinions no matter what. Not in a snobby way or anything, just to stand my ground.

Know what I found? People don't actually care if you stand up to them. If anything they thought I was a better, stronger person for standing up for myself, one that deserved respect. And from then on, I indeed was respected, people even describe me as OVER opinionated sometimes. And I learn after you stand up the first time, it gets easier to do it from then on. Sometimes I still lay low, but nothing like I used to.

I rambled, I know...Moral of the story is that people respect you for being confident, so go tell that nurse with a clear voice, "I'm a guy, please refer to me as one."

Espenoah,
           I'll try. My mom always tells me to stick up for myself or people will walk all over you. I'm just not an aggressive person and I'm very shy when it comes to speaking up for myself. But I will try next time. Can they change your name in the computer if you haven't legally changed it?

They can't on legal documents, but chances are if you have a preferred name they could note it in the computer. It wouldn't hurt to ask.

Good luck. :)

I don't know how it is there, but I do know that the computer filing system the GP's office I go to has a specific box for 'prefered name' that they usually just automatically fill in with your first name. I'd assume that having that box there is standard protocol, and most filing systems of that type would have it. :)

Thanks Espenoah and MaxAloysius. :)