Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I know that it is a wholly personal decision, and I'll likely do whatever I want; but  I have been thinking about doing this for awhile, and felt it would make a good poll on here...

Actually I would have voted "That'll just open the doors to a world of hurt."  but I voted "Do what you need to do".

When you come out via social media, you come out to the world.  If you are ready to come out to  the world, then go for it.  But remember that potential employers can see it too.

Sara did it that way.  I have sorta did that way.  I come out on a dating site as "Trans".

But remember that the world will see it.

Frankly I think that's an absolutely horrible decision. It is a blank check for any possible kind of drama becoming public, out of your control, and never going away, and honestly it's a personal thing and by doing that you are making yourself into a spectacle instead of coming off as serious or genuine.

  I think that it's fine to BE out on a social networking site but coming out on one eliminates what I think was the BEST part of coming out... When you sit, face to face, with someone and tell them that you're trans or gay or whatever, you're connecting with that person... they can see you, feel you, hear you... but all they have to feel when you come out online is words on a screen. You owe it to yourself to take the time and come out to every person you know; I think that's a very important part of the process. Only after you've told everyone... including anyone that you see often, then maybe a note to "everyone else" on your site of choice might be appropriate.

guess it depends on how you self-identify.

Do you identify as trans?
if so, just for now or forever?
Do you feel you may one day only identify as female? male to female not male to trans?
Do people really need to know?
How important is it to you that the world knows all about your personal medical history?

I identify as female, but am considered trans because I have to transition my body to be aligned with my mind.  I have spent the vast majority of my life, "coping" with being trapped in the wrong body, and am now taking the necessary steps to correct this.  I have come out to those who are close to me; mentally and geographically.  I still have some that I feel deserve a personal conversations, and would not do this until after that, nor until I am fully out at work (I will be transitioning there and my Dir. of HR and GM are supportive in this).  Using social media would be a venue to inform those that are marginal friendships, acquaintances, or those family with which I have no other forms of communication.  I would most likely do it as a message rather than a status update, and I'd change my gender, name, and pics to reflect the whole me.  I plan on being politically active in my community, for I am already; it's one of my passions...  So, I will not be able to avoid having it all come out whether I want it to or not...  What I can control is the perception and my presentation thereof.   

I largely came out via facebook.

Told those closest to me prior to it, but that's how I came out to most of my friends and non immediate family members.

It went great for me with nearly universal acceptance and support, though keep in mind mileage may vary.

I never retained much of an interest in social media.  Either way, I wouldn't do it.  My reclusive nature has resulted in a relatively short "need to know" list consisting of my SO, her immediate family, my employer (if it can't be avoided,) and my immediate family.

I've been debating this one myself I still say go through the preparing what you'd say etc. but the main difference here is that you are doing this face to face you won't see the initial reaction you may get a response that would be entirely different because of the way it happened. That said I can see the appeal in doing it as coming out is one of those really difficult things to do, even if you're certain it'll be fine there still the case of "how do I bring it up in conversation" which social media just doesn't have. It's kind of like hiding behind the anonymity of the internet even though the personal details are there to identify you. Perhaps it's the ideal of getting everyone "in the loop" but that presents the problem that because it'll be done in bulk theres less personal connection and this kind of "situation?" isn't the easiest for some.

here is something i recently considered rather than "telling" social media change name, gender and pictures etc and let those curious ask for themselves. Obviously not the best option for close friends and family and may lead to "rumors". It probably is a relatively easy way of informing those that (for lack of a better term) have opinions which don't matter so much.  << that sounds so wrong (opinions which you expected?)

As with everything though YMMV and one method is not for all

I personally could never do that. A lot of people I'm friends with on Facebook I either never talk to anymore or never even have talked to. So I just don't feel it's any of their business. So of course it depends on what your criterion is for accepting friends. The people that actually need to know, I'm gonna be telling them face to face. Or at least by phone.

But I voted for "Do what you need to do." :)

I wrote a letter and sent it as a group message to all my siblings using Facebook.
Worked fine.

I will preface by stating I don't have Facebook and am not active on any other social medium (ie. no Twitter, no LinkedIn etc).  I briefly had a mySpace presence but even that isn't truly relevant here since there was no coming out process for me by the time that site had rolled around.

I do not believe that people are well served to come out on the web.  Even if a day were reached where there is no stigma attached to labels that people wear, there are simply components of my life that I do not want preserved into perpetuity.  I don't want future prospective employers to know some things in my life, I certainly don't need prospective clients knowing all of my life and I do not need prospective courtroom opponents knowing all of my personal life. 

Those growing up in the current era probably have no real gauge for what privacy once was like.  The explosion of social media, especially in the past few years, has changed everything.  However, that does not mean it comes without a price.  And the price to be paid may not be today or even next year...it could be many years down the road at a time that is simply not opportune...

...Just something that I'd like to add...

   I'm well aware that being "out" in places like facebook or myspace chip away at one's sense of privacy. Then again, I owe a great deal of gratitude to those women that went before me and were accessible enough to communicate with during my early transition.

   I certainly wouldn't come out to people close to me on a social media site but I support letting friends know about your transition using facebook, myspace, etc. You can post your feelings, articles, links to videos that are relevant to you... Even develop a network of support while providing the positive image that everyday people need concerning transsexual people. I feel that my transition would NOT have gone as smoothly as it did if it weren't for giving folks the cushion of pseudo-anonymity that facebook provides. It's easier to chat about something sensitive, sometimes, than it is to talk face to face. Don't come out on a social network but use it to your advantage AFTER the coming out process is over.

   For example: I'm alone in a hospital bed, thousands of miles away from home and I still feel cared about because of all that are following my progress on facebook. It has its purpose.... Use it effectively but not as a substitute for things that should be done in person.

I came out on facebook a few weeks ago, but then it's set so only my friends see my posts, and I only have actual friends as my facebook friends.

In spite of that, I turned up on a singing camp this weekend and someone said to me "So, you're transitioning, then!" and as I looked puzzled, he said "Well, when you tell facebook, you tell the world, you know..." and then I realised that though he's not my facebook friend, his wife is ::).

Be prepared for news to spread, people love a good gossip. It was naive of me to assume that only the people I'd actually told would know.

That is very good information to have.  And, very telling of how small the world can be at times.  I will take much of this advice, and I will feel out a new plan.  Thank you all for the input.  I appreciate it without end.

Quote from: Ann Onymous on May 30, 2011, 08:34:20 AM
Those growing up in the current era probably have no real gauge for what privacy once was like.  The explosion of social media, especially in the past few years, has changed everything.  However, that does not mean it comes without a price.  And the price to be paid may not be today or even next year...it could be many years down the road at a time that is simply not opportune...

That's right.  The Internet is like herpes, it lasts forever.  This particular post, or the physical representation of it, will in all likelihood outlive me.

When you transition, you have this unique opportunity to have a fresh start.  When you change your name, you may be able to sever some negative associations (and maybe some positive ones) to your old name.  You may feel fine right now about outing yourself, but will you feel the same way 5-10 years from now?  Maybe, maybe not.  But is it worth it to give up that option?

I came out first to all of my closest friends, then to my mom, stepdad, and siblings on mom's side.  My dad and stepmom have always been Luddites, so it was then that I came out on Facebook, thinking I'd come out to my disconnected parents when the time was right (relations between us have been strained for years since they had practically disowned me because of my divorce and politics).  The only people from my dad's side who were on my Facebook were a stepsister who I knew wouldn't tell, and my half-sister who has schizophrenia and was disowned years ago because of her condition.

But you know what I learned after coming out on Facebook?  My stepmom had a Facebook page and somehow found out my news.  If it's any indication of how they already felt about me, I noticed that she had the page for nearly a year, had all of my sisters on her friends list, my grandpa, about 5 other family members, my ex... but never bothered to add me.  In fact, nobody from that family has ever bothered to add me, save the two sisters I mentioned above.

My ex called me last week to tell me that the reason my dad and stepmom hadn't picked up the phone or returned my calls for the last two months was because they found out I was transsexual.  Yes, when they found out, they called my ex, not me.  Another indication of how they felt about me was that they'd rather believe the rumor mill and people with half-information than find from the source (when I'm the source, that is).  So now those relationships are over forever.

Not that I needed them.  They beat me so badly growing up that I often wonder if my lifelong depression was the result of the copious number of head injuries I sustained before I was even 10.  They abused me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, everything but sexual (thank the gods).  So maybe this whole Facebook thing was the best way?  I don't know...

Just saying, consider it fully.

They beat me so badly growing up that I often wonder if my lifelong depression was the result of the copious number of head injuries I sustained before I was even 10.

That sounds to me more like a massive heart injury - it'd leave anyone unhappy. I hope you get to heal.

Quote from: Padma on June 03, 2011, 01:09:03 PM
That sounds to me more like a massive heart injury - it'd leave anyone unhappy. I hope you get to heal.

Thank you, Padma...  :icon_hug:  I'll have the rest of my life to heal without their influence hanging over my head, because it's over now.  Those relationships are over.

So an update to my earlier post: turns out the stepsister that I knew wouldn't tell my dad and stepmom didn't, in fact, tell them.  But she told my other stepsister (her full sister) and that stepsister told my parents.  Turns out my Facebook post was never seen by dad and stepmom after all.  They heard it from a sister who heard it from a sister, and then called my ex-wife to confirm the news (it was my ex who found this out last night and told me today in great detail what had happened).

It's their classic manipulation.  Find out news about me, ask anyone but me to clarify, don't pick up the phone when I call, then accuse me later of saying nothing while blaming my so-called failure to communicate on the fact that I haven't cut my mom completely out of my life.  Then call me a sissy mama's boy (their lifelong name for me) who deserves to fail at everything so long as I continue speaking to my loving mother.  They're pathetic.  The divorce was 30 years ago.  Get over it.

I will NOT be controlled by their stupid mind games any more.

I could not come out by way of social media. But that's because I don't want to be out to the whole world, and for my trans status to exist forever on the Internet. One day, it would be nice to have the possibility of stealth, if that becomes an option. And if I compromised my anonymity with the Internet, it may never be an option in the truest sense.

So... I think it's a bad idea. But that's just me.
:)

Probably nothing new, but it may be worth saying.

Before closing my male persona's account on Facebook I sent a message coming out to all those close real world friends I couldn't reach directly.
Unfortunately as FB is now "user-unfriendly", I believe some may have actually gone out as Wall Posts rather than messages.
I don't believe any harm was done, but still  BE CAREFUL,  sometimes it is as much use as an ashtray on a bicycle!
Karen.

I'd been thinking of coming out on Youtube but I've put off posting any pics as I have felt uncomfortable doing that.  I respect those who do and I've met some great people there but I've decided it would be a little too public for me.  I don't have enough posts to do the ''will I pass eventually'' thing yet but when I do I will post here. 

I have been thinking about it, but for now I think I will keep it at arms length... I still have some family to tell, and a couple of what I would call 'proper' friends, and I agree that you owe it to people to tell them face to face, if you can bear it...

I don't really have the option of being stealth in the future, as I intend to stay in the same career with the same friends and associates, and word gets around this business pretty quickly. I know of a few trans folk in the industry, not personally but just because everyone knows someone who knows someone etc, and it isn't long before everybody is only 2 or 3 connections away. Good thing is, no one really gives a monkeys.

There are loads of people who are friends on FB who I haven't seen for donkeys years, don't actually like and don't want to give the pleasure of something to talk about down the pub, so am quietly unfriending them.

Time will tell I suppose.

I wrestled with this decision for a while & decided to tell anyone I meet in person face to face, the people I talked with regularly got sent a lengthy message explaining what & why.

On a non-trans forum I visit daily I posted a topic so that people I coulodn't get in touch with would know before I next met them in person, I had over 100 replies & only 3 were negative, I also recieved around 40 - 50 pm's from people wishing me luck with the transition.

On xbox I invited people into a private chat to tell them in person & so far everyone has been great about it, when i'm a medic on Bad Company they call for a nurse instead of a medic & when I crash on GTA they moan about women drivers but it's all done with kindness, i'd be more concerned if they stopped taking the mickey after 3 years of us all ribbing each other non stop.

I've declined to vote as this is one of those decisions that I feel people should make themselves, whatever you decide I wish you the very best, big hugs & best wishes

Privacy settings on FaceBook keep "the world" from seeing it, if you don't want them to.

I had to come out on FaceBook by accident.  Ten years ago I had a FBook page in my old gender, just to allow me see some family members' pages and pictures.  I never filled it out or participated.  I'm from Michigan and live in Colorado.  I hadn't seen anybody from Michigan since I moved here 11 years ago, at least.  But some high school people found my old page, and asked to friend me.

I am really active on FBook as me, so I had a quandary.  I ultimately decided to find some people who were my actual friends back then from looking at people's friends list, and friend them from the old account.  Once I had a dozen of them, I set my privacy to let friends of friends see that page, and I sent people private messages, telling them what my deal was - so that people who were close to the old me would not find out by a wall post, or by somebody telling them, "Hey, did you hear that so-and-so is now a woman?!?"

One of my friends, who is not really active on FBook, answered my private message on my wall - and the cat was out of the bag, without me having to figure out exactly how to do it or what to say.  So then I briefly opened the old page to let anybody post on the wall, and used my real account to post some current pictures on the old wall, and made the following post:
This is a dead FB account. It was old and forgotten. I decided to use it to let people know, if they cared to try and look, who I am now.If you're a friend, thanks for friending who I really am. Love y'all!

When that was done I set the old account back to friends-of-friends.  Then I deleted the notice on my real wall that said I posted on the old account's wall, to make it less likely that somebody I know know could follow the FBook trail back to my old identity, but still fairly easy for someone to follow the FBook trail from my old identity to find me now.

So far, I have renewed a couple old friendships, and had no overtly negative response, although the lack of response from some people has been a bit hurtful, though not unexpected.

Before I did anything else I put up a post saying I was deleting anyone I hadn't talked to at least occaissionally and got rid of those for a start.  That left only those people I regard as real friends, not "FB friends".
I then wrote a letter for the people I had worked with up until I quit the week before.  After I had printed copies for the people at work, I edited out the irrelevant bits about leaving the Lab, and sent that to all those I could not contact locally, via FB.  Also my new FB page, and deleted the old one.
It all went well, great responses from everyone, in person and via FB.
Karen.

As far as "coming out", I agree with JessicaR. To me, coming out to someone is a very intimate affair. People I only know via social media don't merit a "coming out", they're just getting informed. :laugh: I'll just let the changed name, picture, and sex marker do the talking. No different than any other biographical info.

I've always used social media as a way of keeping up with people I'm not close to. If it's on my Facebook page, I've already told most everyone I care to.

Last August was my 40th high school reunion, a good year in advance i created a Facebook, My Space page and joined Classmates, i added as many of my high school classmates as i could find as i did not want to take away from the reunion, it was a total success, everyone was focused on the reunion and not me, though i am sure there was some talk, i got more acceptance than i could have hoped for.

So yes at least in my case outing myself in this way was a good thing.

Paula

Well, I did it.  I sent out a mass message, not a wall post.  It will remain private on the inter-webs, and be informative for those I need it to be.  I have had very positive responses save one, but out of 101 people, that's okay odds...

If I were you, I would go on a deleting spree and just delete anybody that does not really need to know or people who you don't want to know, then I would come out.
I would most likely also delete that account after a few days when everyone you want to have seen it should have seen it, then just create a new account. :)

I think if you did this with your whole friends list it may open you up to a lot of hate/hurt. But I don't know who your friends are, so I might be wrong. :)

I did a lot of weed-whacking, and only accepting friends that I have a real life connection to.  It has been very inspirational for me.