Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Have y'all ever gotten that? I don't get it often but every once in a while some douche bag(for lack of a better word) will ask me that. I think it was last week at my school. this guy wanted to ask me "a question" and I knew from the first second what he was going to ask, it was how he went about it and the words he used. so the day after next when i came back (i only go twice a week)  he asked me if I was a boy or a girl and asked me if i was born a boy or a girl and i said I WAS born a girl which technically is half true...i just left out the part about the genitals which is none of his business so yea....but it bothered me alot...i went to the bathroom and ended up cryin :-/ i mean i have enough self esteem issues without him making it worse. for someone to have the nerve to ask me that, i mean its just rude  :(

I would turn it around. "Let me ask you a question.  Did your parents ever teach you manners?".

And I can get nasty if required.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on May 29, 2011, 10:54:51 AM
Seriously, think twice before taking offense.

Asking your friend about gay people is one thing but asking some person if they're a boy or a girl is just rude. I can certainly understand why she would take offense from that.

I wish someone would ask me this! :D

It would give me a reason to come out. Most people are considerate and feel it would be rude, even if done politely. I feel as an being MTF or FTM its more obvious then if you were just gay or a lesbian, even though there are quit a few gay people that are also obvious, but thats because they want to be.

I would never come up and ask someone if their gay. If I think they might be gay they probably are. Frankly who really cares anyways. I may ask this question alot in my head (hmmm I wonder if.....)

There may be only one reason I would ask, and that would be if I was interested in dating but then again I think I would already know or not care. Just my feelings.

Personally if I was asked what gender I was born and it was after some  (honest)discussion I would not lie to someone and tell them I was born a girl. I am logical and know too damn well what was between my legs when I was born. I honestly couldn't ever see being asked this question. If they know you as female why would they ask and if they know you are an MTF why ask.

Shelly

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on May 29, 2011, 12:14:11 PM
Asking your friend about gay people is one thing but asking some person if they're a boy or a girl is just rude. Any woman would take offense from that.

Actually I wouldn't be offended at all. I'd be delighted that they felt able to ask.

I haven't had the question put to me since oh about 1985 or 1986 - but back in childhood as a partially transitioned boygirl (or girlboy depending on your POV  :laugh:) I used to get it quite often.

As long as it was a genuine inquiry and not someone trying to be funny it used to please me to be able to explain rather than have them go off with some half arsed and often wrong assumption.

I can completely understand how you felt.

The guy intentionally put you into an awkward situation, milked it for all it was worth then left you feeling like cr*p.

Next time, and there will be one, someone says, Do you mind if I ask you a question?  Just say, Yes, I do, then walk away. You know they will take a rise out of that as well. But seriously, people like that are just looking for encouragement.

thank you. I'm sorry but i disagree with some of you. I was VERY offended and yes Trista is right asking someone about their orientation is one thing questioning their womanhood or manhood is completely different and i personally think its rude and no ones business who a person is. i can understand actual curiosity but even then i still think its rude and inconsiderate to ask about it period a transwoman obviously is a woman and a transman is obviously a man so treat them as such and this guy was just being rude on perpose I think ill do that from now on though lol just say "yes I do mind" and then smile big as I can and then walk off lol

I agree I think it is rude.  The person can see a girl in front of them, or in the case of a transman, a man.  They just want to KNOW if you're REALLY what you present as.  That is rude and offensive and definitely none of their business.

BTW, Curiosity killed the cat. >:-)

A friend of mine had a GG girlfriend who was asked that and she was rather offended and cried her eyes out while telling us about it...
We tried to console her and tell her how beautiful she was but she couldn't let go of it and moved away a short time later

I randomly ran into her at a cafe a few years later in another town... She looked much the same but now had rather large breasts

Anyway, I've been asked if I was a boy or a girl at various times over the past 40+ years, I thought it was a somewhat rude question to ask, but didn't let it bother me much

The only time it really bothered me was when a guy I was attracted to asked (I was afraid to admit finding some guys attractive at the time) Hoping he'd maybe pursue it further I said "Possibly, that's for me to know and for you to find out"

He just looked confused and walked off and I was left to feel flustered and disappointed

People are just curious and sometimes don't realize the question they are asking is rude... That much I can forgive... If they are being rude and obnoxious purposefully... Then there might be some trouble  >:-)

I will never understand peoples "my life is none of your business" sorry but no one lives on deserted islands and so we have to interact with others and unless we can talk to each other no one will ever get anywhere. you think it's rude? so what, there are a million things I think are rude but people do them anyways. more important question... is it hostile? that is something else entirely. I have gotten a million "I want to ask you something but I don't want to offend" and it has done nothing but make me feel accepted by yet another person. the ones that sit quietly and judge you are the ones you really need to worry about. although I do agree if you don't feel comfortable enough to talk to someone about who you are or how you got there simply tell them yes you do mind.

because its true, it really is no ones business lol and i don't live my life as an open book but people see who i am i don't hide myself. my point here is that my gender shouldn't define me nor should it be a conversation starter X3 and i understand what some of yall are saying. i'm not bothered by it anymore but it did bother me when it happened.

I'm all for answering questions to the curious, but that question seems to imply that the woman in question looks so masculine that that her biological gender is questionable. It's just fricken rude, Virginia's friend obviously thought the same.

exactly! THANK YOU! its just rude as hell! lol its the principle of the matter. unless i'm going to be intimate with a man then its none of his business.

I think it really depends on the way the question was presented. I personally enjoy being asked about my ->-bleeped-<- because for the most part they are asking so they can learn more about me. For the most part people don't ask things like that to be rude, they just don't know how to ask the question they are curious about without sounding rude.

You could reply "Why do you want to know?" - it seems to me that part of the problem here is that someone who isn't trans (and isn't yet educated about it) doesn't know ahead of time what is going to hurt or upset or offend.

So my take on this is that it's perfectly understandable for you to find it upsetting to be asked that (I guess it could push some "do I not pass?" buttons), but also that - unless you're pretty sure the person asking is deliberately trying to hurt or undermine you - it's pretty understandable for someone to want to ask, if they're not sure and they're curious, and can find a graceful way of asking. But you're not obliged to answer, and have just as much right to ask your own questions.

yes and like i said i understand curiosity but he was like some who are just asking to be an ass not even interested in the slightest you know? and I am very passable, no deep voice, feminine physique, no facial hair, no prominent adam's apple ??? i just don't know why he asked...maybe it was the scar above my lip :c i fell face first into the pavement and scraped up my entire face but left some scars behind and the one on my upper lip looks like a mustache TT_TT lol

Ouchy!

But I guess that's my point about it being okay to bat the question back at people - we're not exhibits, we have a right to privacy and we don't need to explain or justify anything about ourselves any more than anyone else does.

This happens sometimes with folk who ask me about my meandering sexual orientation - if I'm feeling bolshy, I'll demand parity 8). Asking a straight person "So... now you can tell me intimate details about your sexuality too..." makes them realise how potentially invasive they're being. Plus it can be a lot of fun, and quite mutually revealing :). People who think they're "the norm" don't get much opportunity to self-question.

To be honest, if someone asked me "are you a boy or a girl?", I'd just answer "Yes" and walk off. :)

To be honest, if someone asked me "are you a boy or a girl?", I'd just answer "Yes" and walk off. :)

I love this answer best yet  :laugh:  Good one Sephirah

That is a good'un. When people ask me "are you gay?" I usually answer "a bit more often than not - why d'you ask?" ;D (and of course these days, what I mean by that is that I'm currently a little more attracted to women... ;D) - I've had a few people assume I was a transman, just because I present as a tomboy rather than feminine.

I've gotten "I'd like to ask you a question, but I don't know how to ask." a few time. In which case I usually thank them for their honesty and tell them to just ask away. I'm happy to answer questions, as long as they are asked with some respect and sensitivity. My friends and family all know that I'm happy to answer any questions they have - as long as I actually have any answer myself.

I can understand why you got upset though, x_momoXpanda_x. Having someone question your gender would be upsetting, regardless of how the question was asked.

Quote from: Padma on June 03, 2011, 05:27:24 PM
I've had a few people assume I was a transman, just because I present as a tomboy rather than feminine.

That's what I thought when you first joined, lol

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on June 03, 2011, 10:00:33 PM
That's what I thought when you first joined, lol

Yeah, well on here, that was partly my fault for misunderstanding how people use the planet flags ;).

Lets put it into perspective. it is rude.

How many woman with a 'tummy' get offended by the 'Oh you are pregnant' comment, when they are not. Every single one and NO they do not laugh it off. Long term friendships have been finished by that remark.

Cindy

It's one thing to ask for the purpose of being rude.  It used to upset me when I was asked that while attempting to look more feminine as opposed to my usual androgynous appearance.  When in my normal attire, apparently folks just assume one or the other.  However plenty of people have asked me not to be rude but just for clarification because apparently I could have gone either way.  I do not want to be asked when actually I bother to wear a dress and makeup.  It makes me feel like I'm not doing something right.

I have ti agree with Cindy here. As far as I'm concerned, there is only one reason for anyone to ask this question, that is, to be rude and to hurt.

I think for me it depends on how the question is asked. If it's politely phrased and the person seems genuinely curious I will tell them the whole story. If they are being rude it's another story. "I am a woman and that's all you need to know" or if I am in a real snarky mood "I was not put on this earth to solve your gender confusion." If it's in a bar "well, you aren't going to find out like that!!"  :o

Usually I use humor to diffuse the situation. When a young child once asked me if I was a boy or a girl and the mom pulled him away appalled I said, "Hey, it took me thirty years to answer that question, why should he get it right on the first try?"

exactly and if someone is that damn curious then look for indicators like name or CLOTHING and such like that.....my "natal" female friend that gets asked her gender even gets offended exactly unless im going to be intimate with someone on any level then its nobodies business you know lol

I just today realized that I would prefer someone ask me if they where unsure then to make the wrong assumption and "sir" me. just 2 more cents.

i understand how much it may hurt others to be asked about their gender in this way, even if i'm a type of person who'd love to be able to confuse people enough to make them ask (not that i'd give any clear answer tho..)

my experience with this way of asking a question is that the person asking knows how offensive it may be, and that this is exactly the type of curiosity which is known to kill cats.
i've personally been asked like this only once, though about my ethnicity (i'm sami, could be likened to native americans, only difference is that you often can't distinguish between sami and norwegians based on looks). this was in one of the most prejudistic places i know about, only people that are lower than the sami are homosexuals, transgendered, and the like. asking about it and getting it wrong (or if the person is a closet case) could very well get you near killed. so it can be just as scary to ask, as it is hurtful to be asked

and now i already forgot what i wanted to say with this... well, just consider the possibility whoever's asking really isn't trying to hurt you, but only is a very curious label addict cat

If someone asked me "Are you a boy or a girl?"  I would answer, "Yes."   Then walk on.

Quote from: Cindy James on June 04, 2011, 03:09:15 AM
Lets put it into perspective. it is rude.

How many woman with a 'tummy' get offended by the 'Oh you are pregnant' comment, when they are not. Every single one and NO they do not laugh it off. Long term friendships have been finished by that remark.

Cindy

That's a great example, I'm going to push that on them if someone asks me that.

If they had asked, "How do you see yourself, as a boy or girl?", or "how you prefer to be regarded?", no problem.  It then becomes a reasonable, serious question.

Otherwise it's just plain rude and offensive.
Karen.

I have never been asked, but long before i ever started hormones i was mistaken as female (i'd just smile) then after i started i had a manager that was o-d ing on testostrone and he made snide comments behind my back in a hateful manner. I may never reach what most of you have but i enjoy being mistaken from time to time, if i could just loose weight i'd look more fem. But that question, even if ment not to offend, is offensive. Maybe in a hundred years people will accept each other for themselves, but today it's hard to move foreword when there are so many out there ready to condem others as being different when they know everyone should be what they are and think like they do.   :(

I've never really been questioned. But um, you know I would also vouch for the "curious" theory.

Well, you know, my story. I've ran into a bunch of transitioning mtf's in my college (only liberal city around so there are many. I didn't want to offend any of them- how do I approach them? will they understand? should I quote hormones or something?

I imagined they would feel offended, so I never talked to them- And never saw them again- I missed out on some trans friends. Sometimes saying no and walking away is losing out the chance to make a new friend, not everyone wants to understand us.

And well, you seem young and probably around younger people who don't really know how to handle the situation.

Finally, in a closed setting like in a school rumors float around like crazy. Even if I gave them no notice, people from my former high school are still talking about me.   Oo rumors are much worse than curious people.

Maybe you were so pretty thats what drew him to you :)