Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Didn't mean to make this so long. It's not really imperative that it's widely read or even responded to. I guess I just need to complain about this.

About 19 years ago, my mother was about to carry a little bundle of me down the stairs. As her foot came to what she thought was the first step, a squeal pierced through the house and she realized with terror she'd stepped on my moron older brother, who for some reason was lying flat on that first step.

My mother slipped, flung out her arms to regain balance and get the ->-bleeped-<- off my brother, and little me went flying through the air, bounced onto the steps a few times, and landed at the landing. I lay there limp as a ragdoll. My eyes rolled to the back of my head. My mom was in a fit: One three-year-old crying and relatively unhurt but emotionally disturbed and in serious shock, and one infant lying - dead?! - on the landing of the stairs.

She probably did't know which child to attend to first. She probably didn't even know what the hell happened for the first thirty seconds after the incident. She probably called 9-1-1 and had us both rushed to the hospital. The doctors probably told her I'd be fine - that my growing brain could basically regenerate itself and I'd grow up to be a healthy, normal little kid.

Hah. What a comforting thought.

From unpredictable fits of rage that often resulted in broken toys and other objects, attacks on walls, counters, and furniture, or even beatings upon my own head - to an inability to differentiate appropriate from inappropriate comments - to difficulty understanding more complex, higher thinking problems as I got older - it is becoming increasingly clear that I have received considerable brain damage throughout my life, beginning with this little accident.

I'm planning on discussing the possibility with my doctor and getting a reference for a neurologist. But so many events in my life lead me to believe that that I am not normal. I have difficulty functioning where many people excel. While I can read and write at a fairly academic level, my ability or orally communicate has always been lacking. I stutter, I murmur, I have difficulty pulling out the right words - sometimes any words at all - to communicate even the simplest of ideas. I have difficulty expressing myself orally, especially when aggravated. I am prone to extreme fits of rage involving loud yelling, cursing, expressing intense dislike or even hatred towards loved ones, and even breaking things in violent outbursts. While from elementary school to the beginning of high school I achieved high grades, that soon dropped off as my education demanded higher and higher levels of thinking; thinking critically, solving problems, higher mathematics (even college level grade 11 math proved a challenge for me). Comprehending certain instructions and new ideas can prove to be a challenge. I barely graduated high school and dropped out of college twice. I can't handle high levels of stress. I suffer from serious depression and anxiety that seems to wax and wain, leaving me completely perplexed about my own unpredictable behavior. I'm incredibly impulsive, a problem that has dug me into debt that I fear is only going to grow unless I seek professional help and find out what is actually causing these problems.

It just really ->-bleeped-<-ing pisses me off that from the very beginning my chances for success and happiness were stripped away from me. My problems are only getting worse. And getting better - if possible - will most likely cost me a ->-bleeped-<-load of time, money, energy, and cause a hell of a lot more stress and worry.

This is all just a big rant. I don't care if anyone reads or responds. I guess it would be nice for a couple of people to see this so they'd understand why I have so many problems.

Sometimes, when I'm reading, writing, thinking deeply, doing anything that requires more brain energy, I feel a weird throbbing pressure from the top of my head to the frontal lobes. It could be my imagination. But the top of my head has always been very sensitive to touch - people who meet me and become close learn fast not to tap or pat the top of my head. It sends weird jitters all down my body. I know it's not normal but I've never questioned it until recently.

Hi,
do you discus it with any expert? It could be "just" some kind of autism.
Here is lot of people who live with similar problems and in our computer age you mustn't meet anyone personally for months.
btw meditation could be very helpful

Ryan

Medusa makes a good suggestion, but if I may, I'm going to strongly suggest a different approach. Simply because my experience of these people is they don't like being told what to do.

I'm going to suggest you make a list of the problems you have.

Begin by listing them as headings, such as difficulity socialising, then once the list is complete, make sub lists of some of the more significant example.

But avoid at all costs, giving yourself labels or anything that might be seen as self diagnosis.

Also, stick to the matter in hand. Avoid self deprecation, humpour and especially criticism or praise of others. This isn't an excersise in justification, it's a reasoned look at how these problems have practically affected you.

Good luck. If you want to share, openly or privately, then please do, but in any case, tell us how you get on with the |Doctor.

Thanks you two.
Autism does make sense.

I try very hard to avoid "self-diagnosis" and over the years I've found countless reasons to explain away my life. I know looking online is going to result in me thinking I have every problem in the world. I've been convinced I have various disorders at different times.

I've talked to my doctor before about anxiety and depression, and  I broke out into a hysterical fit of tears while trying to explain to her my feelings so she put me on Cipralex and told me I could look for therapists if I felt I needed to.

But the problems are still here and even if I can't "cure" them, I'd definitely like to know why my life's been riddled with unexplainable challenges.

While people with known disabilities are often sympathized with, I'm overlooked, brushed off, and assumed to be just socially awkward and unintelligent because I have "no reason" to be the way I am. And my worst regret is the way I've treated my own parents throughout my life. I love them unconditionally and I know they return the feelings but through fits of rage I know I've hurt them. I just want to be able to explain to them that I couldn't control my irrational anger and that it has nothing to do with them.

I also would not be too surprised if my condition, if I have one and whatever it is, has some part to play in my gender identity.

Unfortunately my doctor is located in my old city because it's waay too hard to find a new doctor these days who's thorough and genuinely cares about their patients' well-being. So it may be a while before I can see her and even longer before I start seeing anyone who can eventually provide answers.

Another issue I often have is being overstimulated, usually by someone rough-housing with me. Even if my own girlfriend horses around with me too much I get overwhelmed and start to panic a little.

And Medusa: Thank you for the meditation suggestion. I've tried it in the past and find it hard to concentrate but maybe I'll start practicing again. :)

Ryan.

You could ask for a psychiatric opinion.

I know that we often have preconcieved ideas about them, but they really do know their stuff and can get to the bottom of things.

That sounds like a very harsh past and present to be dealing with. I think the advice about sticking to describing your experience and not trying to label it is wise. A good doctor may see patterns emerge in your broader description that could be masked by attempts to analyse specific aspects of it.

Something I want to say about meditation: it isn't always the best thing for everyone all the time, especially if you have attention issues or (like me at the moment) something like PTSD. What can be a lot more beneficial sometimes is body awareness and exercise, rather than getting "into your mind" - patterns of mental behaviour can have deep tracks, and it's good to ease them gently rather than shoving them under a microscope and then getting freaked out by the close-ups (a strange image, perhaps, but a description a friend of mine with worse PTSD than mine used to explain why he got headaches every time he tried to meditate - and he was "really trying"!)

So going for long walks, being aware of your body's movements and your breath but not thinking too much about it, but also not trying to make anything happen, being aware of your surroundings. Or a mindful physical exercise like t'ai chi or yoga. Sometimes it's really good to be able to experience your mind as just part of the bigger show going on in your body, and be able to let yourself go more into it (in a manner of speaking - I mean this more poetically than scientifically or whatever).

And sometimes it's hard to look directly at your experience because there's a lot of pain (and maybe anger on top of that) tied up with it. So coming at it more indirectly until you're readier is perhaps the kinder approach. I've certainly found that backing off from meditation and allowing myself to be with myself more gently has brought out a lot of love that I didn't know was there, because even though I was trying not to try, I was still trying. Or something.

Oh, I almost forgot: dance!!!

Just my tuppence-worth (we don't have cents here :)).

Padma: a tuppence is worth more than two cents :P So thanks. This is greatly appreciated. I used to go for long walks when I was 14, I think I remember it helping a lot with my depression at the time. I also lost a lot of weight then, too.... Hhmmmmmm.

And I'm a horrible dancer xD I can't even do it alone. I feel even more stupid dancing alone :( lol

spacial: I will do that. I don't have any negative ideas about psychiatrists, I think I just have a fear of being shuffled around from one professional to another in a mad search for an accurate diagnosis. But I think that's just an irrational fear of rejection keeping me from getting better.

I'll call my doctor this week. Hopefully tomorrow. If it's an interest to anyone, I'll make an update after I see her.

It's of interest - we want to know how you are!

As for dancing, I used to feel that way too, but then I found a killer piece of music that I put on headphones, turn out the lights (move sharp furniture out of the way...) and just go ->-bleeped-<-ing mad to - it doesn't have to "look like dance", it just has to feel like letting your body wear the crown for a change and enjoying what it does when no-one but you is watching - don't judge, just play, it's deeply therapeutic :D xx