Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Ok..First off, hello to all who remember me

This is going to be a soppy, emo-y sounding post but please bare with me

I first came to this site when I first started getting used to the fact that I was Male. I was considerably still a kid and innocent back then (I was like 16 or 17 years old). This was a lonely time of my life but even though it was lonely, it was still one of the best times in my life

Now within the past couple of years my life feels like it's just getting worse. My anxiety problems are still here, I feel like puberty is hitting me all over again, and other things that are going on in my life

But within these many months that have gone by, I lost my virginity to one of my now co-workers

He is a bio-male. He always came off as really friendly to me and he wanted me to go over to his house. He bugged me enough so I finally went. I had no idea it would turn into a sexual friendship/relationship of some sort

I tried telling him about my gender identity, but he couldn't understand it. I didn't bother to try telling him

What breaks my gender is this: He sees me as a Female. I had sex with him as a Female. And since I've done that, my whole gender identity feels like it's in jeopardy. I feel like I'm not even a man anymore..I really don't feel like myself at all

Am I still a man? Have I just completely ruined myself unintentionally?

My masculinity feels so challenged I just feel..hurt..

Any shoulders I can sob on a little bit?

(I forgot to mention, I posted this in the Transsexual talk so I could maybe hear opinions of anyone. Even though it deals with masculinity, I would like to hear anyone's thoughts..)

Hi Walter.

oh dear, oh dear... i don't know what to say other than come here, i'll lend you my shoulder. it's definitely not fun to be anxious about something as important as your own identity

i don't think having sex can actually break your gender. yes, you may be confused by it, but eventually you'll find out you're still you. and it's not like acting like a female automatically makes you one. take your time to figure out how you really feel about what happened, and why you acted like you did. seek out professional help if need be

i tried myself to be a good woman when i was in high school. had a boyfriend, got a kid, "forgot" all about having wanted to be a guy at times. well, i broke up with the guy, there were some issues (unrelated to gender identities) that simply couldn't be overcome, tried to be a good mother, behave in a feminine way. but none of this could make me anything other than myself, and i was again reminded about the other side of my personality. i found myself happy when my daughter had her 3 weeks long "boy phase" when she was 3-4 years old, because i'm so totally clueless about anything that has to do with girls' interests, never really was one myself. and i was even happier that she called me "daddy" some times before she learned the difference between the two types of grown ups

the masculine side of me that i in high school thought had been just a childish fantasy is still as strong as ever, no man could ever erase it

Your post sounds like you think you have broken your gender. Maybe you have but its only temporary. You can get back to transitioning  IF THATS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT ??  that is the question only you can answer.. Did you get involved with trans out of some curiosity or are you really needing to transition? if you are you will do it if not thats ok.. You might also might not be sure.. take your time.. think this out.. don't jump.. don't run.. go slow.. check out all avenues.. weigh your real desires and think long term.. but know a short stint in the wrong direction is not a forever thing.. it may be the thing you needed to know for sure your true intentions..   hugs

Another big hug.

You haven't broken anything. You had a pleasurable moment with someone you presumably were attracted to. What this person's interpretation of it was has nothing to do with your gender. One of the main issues with being trans is that people do not see who you really are. So, this guy didn't see who you really are. That doesn't take away from your identity.

Don't do something you don't want to just because you are getting bugged to. I don't know much about your relationship, but if you're a push over and he is taking advantage of that, then I suggest not disclosing. Do you even enjoy the relationship? Sounds like you should call it off.  You are still a man regardless if other people incorrectly precive your gender. Are gay men not men since they have sex with other men? Don't you think if the average guy woke up one day as a woman that experiencing sex would be on his to do list? I don't think you have ruined yourself, dating co workers isn't a good idea though.

First I totally agree with Sharky. Getting into a sexual relationship with co-workers in not a good thing, usually.

Second there are many men and woman on this site who have had sex, even had children and their gender identity returns. Or rather never goes away.

You may also be a bit confused and embarrassed at' losing' your virginity in a means that sounds a little bit coercive.

Cindy

It is just sex. Nothing more or less.
I would like to suggest to you that you watch a Buck Angel porn. Not for the sexual tittilation of it but as an achedemic exercise.
Buck has penetrative sex, he usses his vag in the time honored fashion that they are traditionaly ussed for in sex. But you know what? There is NOTHING feminine about Bucks sexuality.
He is a man through and through. Regardless of what he does with his body, it is the sexuality of a man.
I learned alot from watching a Buck Angel porn. I learned that you can be a man with a vag or a woman with a penis. The sex one has does not make a man or a woman. Having sex in the traditional female mode can not make a woman out of you. Only being a woman can do that.
And besides....You have a vagina, why would you not want to at least one time find out what all the hoopla is over sex? It just stands to reason that you might want to try it out.

Aaaah try not to get preggie unless you want too

Cindy

Hi Walter,
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New experiences like this can make us question ourselves.  Questioning and challenging ourselves can be good though.  It helps us figure out what we need, and what paths we need to take.
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First question:  How do you think you have "ruined" yourself?  In what way is your gender identity challenged?
Is it challenged by how your co-worker sees you?  Or is it challenged by how you see yourself now?
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Others will see you in many different ways. Often they will see you in the ways that benefit them the most.  You can't control that.  What's important with your identity, however, is how you see yourself. 
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I think you should ask yourself what the events of the past few months mean to you.  It may take you some time to process, and that's ok.
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Yes, you had sex.  What does that mean?
Personally, the first time I had sex, I was 26.  It was a new and exciting feeling.  Being that close to someone.  Touching them, and being touched.  Many things are new and exciting though...bungee jumping...sky diving...etc.  That it felt new and exciting doesn't take away from my identity.   That I enjoyed the intimacy doesn't make me male/female....it just means that I'm human.
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I understand about the very private/personal nature of conflicts between your physical sex and your inner gender though. 
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That something happened in your recent past isn't important right now.   We need to experience new things to figure out how we really feel.  Sometimes challenging how we feel right now is the best way for us to grow and understand ourselves better. 
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What is important is this: how do you feel about it now?  How do you feel about your body? 
How you feel now, can tell you if you're on the right path, or if you need to make a course correction.
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Most of my life, I've ignored my body.  After I was married at 26, had sex, and was obligated to continue having sex, it became very clear how I felt about my body:  I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it.  You may feel differently about your body, and that's ok.  Your gender may not be so completely incongruent with your current anatomical sex.  And if that's the case, I'm happy for you.  But what's most important is that you DO figure out how you feel.  How you see/identify yourself may change, and that's ok too.
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As a cautionary tale, I would say this:  Before you get pregnant (take precautions please), and before you get married (or otherwise committed to something long-term), do figure this out about yourself.  From personal experience, I can say that getting tethered to things that hold you down, and that keep you from being yourself for years on end isn't fun. 

During puberty I always imagined sex with me on top as the penetrator.... and male.  I masturbated a lot....and in my fantasies always male.

In the end (not knowing I had GID) I got married and bore 2 children.

I don't believe that just because you had sex with a cis-male who assumed you are F because of the way your body presents negates the fact that you are male, if you feel male and believe you are male.

Jay

I'd agree - sex is something you *do*, the act isn't what you *are*.

That said, I wouldn't want to be with a partner who didn't support me becoming the best "me" that I could be.  And I'd be a lousy partner if I didn't do the same for her.  Anyone in a good relationship is a liar, however, if they say that they've never been challenged during their relationship to broaden their mind and learn to break some stereotypes.

I don't think one sexual experience can brake anyones sexuality. Your sexuality is the same like it was before it happened. Maybe just hidden under the surface. Ok you are talking about a one time sexual encounter not anything which continues?  I mean if you talk about a sexual relationship? Or are you wondering what your feelings are about yourself or about the guy?

People often recommend to keep relationships away from the workplace. But still a lot of genuine relationships have started that way. Not untypical at all.

Congratulations it looks like you got a fan. Maybe he likes you in general , maybe the guy just wanted sex . Or then maybe he wanted just to befriend you. Coming from a cis guy perspective the both absolutely don't contradict each other. But the guy is not telepathic. Maybe he is totally clueless about your gender issues. And for sure people don't think about stuff like that straight away. And he might wonder what is going on. I assume you will seem different if you think about your identity right now. Maybe he assumes you don't like him etc. Keep in mind he might have developed feelings for you. I don't know what your plans for this are but in any case you will have to communicate to him about what you plan to do. And he will react to that in some way. Ok maybe you know understand why things at the workplace can turn sour  ;) All things in life can have consequences. And you don't have to explain your gender issues to him if you don't want to.

I assume you are still very young? It is hard to judge. I can only see your avatar. The employment situation is what it is. But it could be worse if you were to work in the same place for your entire life like was more common in the past.

You are questioning your identity . Unfortunately I think it is the hardest issue of all. Now this goes a little into the personal side sorry. I mean if you like the guy in some way. Maybe just as a friend, I dunno I just guess from your post. But are you attracted to men? How did you see yourself before this? As a hetero guy or gay etc. I think the 'easy way' in that situation would not be to mention any gender issues when he has just invited you. But that would of course be a problem for anything long term. For me at least it would have been a lot more complex if that even would have 'contradicted' my identity even in that area.

I have a problem trying to communicate with him in any sense. I'm trying to figure out what he thinks of everything that happened and I'm trying to talk to him on a personal level but he seems too..light hearted to deal with stuff like that. So I can't really talk to him about anything "deep"..

if you can't talk about anything deep, and he basically sees you as a woman, then he's probably not boyfriend material. he may not even be interested in having a romantic relationship with you. if he's not boyfriend material, then he'll have to be either either a friend or a sex friend, or just a coworker? that's for you to decide really

if you feel more comfortable with him being just a coworker, then the easiest way to solve things with him would probably be to let it be something that just happened, once. only thing you have to do is make sure you don't follow him home, that would mean you want it to happen again

if you want him as a boyfriend or sex friend.. well, you'll have to figure out how you feel about doing it as a "woman" before you decide on that. many bi/gay men are ok with that role, but that doesn't mean it's the same for you. think about how it felt when you were doing it, if you're not sure you may want to try it again in another mindset. like, see yourself as a gay bottom instead of being aware of how he sees you as a woman when you do it

you could also suggest (insist on) switching positions, that would give him the awareness that you are definitely not your average "cute girl". especially if you already have the tools prepared on second thought, that may not be the best move to pull on a coworker...

well, just remember sex and gender don't really have anything to do with each other. sex is for pleasure (and comes in many other variants than just the classic penetration), gender is you, reproductive organs are for.. well, reproduction. and even doing that can't ruin your gender

Quote from: Walter on June 23, 2011, 12:38:21 PM
I have a problem trying to communicate with him in any sense. I'm trying to figure out what he thinks of everything that happened and I'm trying to talk to him on a personal level but he seems too..light hearted to deal with stuff like that. So I can't really talk to him about anything "deep"..

Maybe he is a light hearted person in general. Or then he does not see it as the right time for 'deep stuff'. I mean because your 'relationship' with him has barely started. I know I would probably not be open for such stuff if I was just about to get to know people. Try to communicate with him more if you feel so.

In general I think your identity is what it is. It is in your mind. I think it is not really directly related to him.  What you want to do with this guy is up to you anyway.

Quote from: explorer on June 23, 2011, 02:14:06 PM
he may not even be interested in having a romantic relationship with you. if he's not boyfriend material, then he'll have to be either either a friend or a sex friend, or just a coworker? that's for you to decide really

This...

So I can't really talk to him about anything "deep"..
Guys invented ESPN just to avoid having to have such talks. 

Look, congratulatory good wishes and all, it's a huge deal, a true Rubicon in most people lives.  And you don't get to go back.  It's like everything's changed, and, as always like nothing has changed.  Step back and take a deep breath, nothing has really changed.  Sex happens, and sooner or later it happens with other people.  That's actually a good thing most of the time. 

Make sure you don't get preggers.

I take birth control, so I'm not worried about that. If I was going to get pregnant, it would've happened the first time I had sex with him (I had sex with him four times)

I'm not sure what to do at the moment. Right now, I want to be mainly concerned with getting my gender identity stable again. Having sex has really put a dent in it, and I'm hoping this feeling goes away soon..

it would've happened the first time I had sex with him (I had sex with him four times)
Biologically speaking it could happen just about every time.  Realistically speaking it only takes once.

Quote from: Walter on June 24, 2011, 10:42:29 AM
I'm not sure what to do at the moment. Right now, I want to be mainly concerned with getting my gender identity stable again. Having sex has really put a dent in it, and I'm hoping this feeling goes away soon..

you mean you seriously enjoy taking the role of a woman? if that's it, then you've nothing much to worry about. whatever you do outside the bedroom defines you much more than how you do things inside. you really should try explaining "what" it is about it that's made this dent in your gender identity, if nothing else it may at least help you sort out your own thoughts and feelings

It's a pretty murky world that really exists where gender, sex, and sexuality all converge like some sort of Venn diagram and though huge parts of it are very separate and clear and distinct and can be argued on the outside, on the inside of all of us its very much through a glass and darkly.  Perhaps if you took a more male (aggressive) role.

Quote from: Walter on June 24, 2011, 10:42:29 AM
I take birth control, so I'm not worried about that. If I was going to get pregnant, it would've happened the first time I had sex with him (I had sex with him four times)

I'm not sure what to do at the moment. Right now, I want to be mainly concerned with getting my gender identity stable again. Having sex has really put a dent in it, and I'm hoping this feeling goes away soon..

Walter.

You have equipment, which, if you could have said anything at the time, would have been fitted differently. But for the moment, like many of us, you're stuck with it.

Lets face it, it may not be quite what you want, but it does the job and doesn't feel that bad in the process. Why not.

When I married my wife, we would both have preferred differernt equipment. But I was stuck with the plug, she has the socket. The motor still turns.

I apologise for interjecting my own experiences here. But I really don't think you should be beating yourself up over this.

Another, even bigger hug.

If having sex with this man in the standard issue female style caused you so much internal turmoil the first time.....I am left wondering WTF were you thinking doing him 3 more times?

Cynthia, you have a good point

I'm caught in between two things. How I feel about my gender, but also the whole sex issue

There had been times when I say to myself "Oh well having sex won't break my gender. I'll deal with it later" and then I'd have sex with him. After it all, I would be all confused about how I feel about everything including my gender

Having sex is something I've wanted for so long, and being able to have it almost means as much to me as my gender identity

There's a whole story about all of that but in the end..I need to weigh out which one means more to me. My gender, or having sex in that kind of way

I would just rather have sex as a man, and not as a woman. Then I would be content with both

@spacial, your post really sticks out to me. Thank you..and *hugs back*