I really don't think I can wait another two more years, which is when I'll be old enough to get hormones. I could get them now, but my mom would have to give consent, and she would kill me before getting me hormones.
For most of my life, the way I dealt with dysphoria, was that I ostracized my body completely. I was talking to the girl I have a crush on about this last night, since she was asking about it (she has dated two transgender people, so she understood me pretty well) and I explained to her that I had the idea that if I ignored my body, nobody else could see it either (which obviously isn't true.) When people did say something about my body, I would cry and sometimes scream at them that I hated my body.
That kind of fell apart a few years ago and then a year later I found out about being transgender.
But enough with my life story. Basically what I was getting at, is that it's so difficult to ignore my body now. I can be freaking out about a boob lump, even though people around me are insisting that my chest is flat. My lack-of-penis has been bothering me pretty bad too lately.
A few nights ago, I had extremely bad dysphoria. The worst I've had in months. I ended up binding with ace bandage until I couldn't breathe and could feel my ribs practically cracking, wearing layers of shirts, curling up on my bed, crying, and cutting myself - something I hadn't done in awhile. But I was so frustrated and upset that I couldn't even feel that I was being cut.
I told my mom about that, except for the cutting part because I assumed she already saw the cuts on my arm. I guess she didn't. When I finished telling her about what had happened, she laughed at me and said, "So is that what you're doing all day in your room?" And then went on to tell me that I'm wasting my body and that I'm very pretty, which really pissed me off.
After that, I just kind of walked away.
My mom has no sympathy for me, and my dysphoria has just been getting really terrible lately. Doing a DIY mastectomy has just been so much more appealing recently. At this point, I don't think I even care if the results look good or not. Maybe I could do what that guy on Taboo did, who froze his leg until doctors were forced to amputate it, but with my chest. I don't know what I would do about my lower parts.
Maybe one day my inside, lady parts will get the message and fall out. Ha. That's me hoping. I wish I could just give my body to a MTF. At least she would want it.
I just...I'm not done, but I don't feel like typing anymore. It's making me frustrated.
Quote from: Devyn on June 24, 2011, 07:18:36 PMAnd then went on to tell me that I'm wasting my body and that I'm very pretty, which really pissed me off.
I hate comments like this. Every time someone compliments my appearance (which is rare because I have no hygiene routine at all) it only reminds me of how 95% of the people I'm surrounded by only care about what they expect of me, and not what I want for myself.
Devyn, it s like jail, right now you still got time ahead ,but you got more behind you, two years and your on your way out man, don`t look at the stretch, look at the count down . It s f#kin hard , but days pass, ride it out you`ll get there.
Honey I know how hard this is for you, but just consider how much of your life you'll have left to live after you start living your life the way you want to. Could be like 80 years of really being yourself. When you think of it that way, 2 years doesn't seem so long. I mean you're waiting just 1/40th of the time you get to spend as you.
Hang in there. *hug*
I know how you feel man, my mom isn't supportive of me transitioning either so I can't get on hormones until I am 18. What really sucks is how I rarely ever see her (my parents are divorced) and she doesn't give two ->-bleeped-<-s about how I feel, yet she still gets the power to chain me up and keep me from moving forward with my life... The thing that keeps me going is like what others have said, once I get on hormones I'll have so much time to be me that the time I spent suffering to get there will be worth it. I hope you keep your hopes up too, Devyn! You'll pull through this, and it will be awesome when you succeed! :)