I hope I don't get flamed for coming back. It's Seth "scraps" again. I had left because I felt like everyone hated me for not having a steady job. But I decided to check in again because the hardest part of my transition is the mental & emotional one. I'm still pre- all medical intervention but I'm finding that it's really mentally & emotionally hard to get to where I want to be mentally & emotionally.
And by that I mean my family really has done a number on me to screw me over in that department. I used to not think so but friends of mine kept telling me a lot lately that they think it's my family that's the cause of my lack of self esteem, anxiety and tendency to fall apart whenever an inconvenience comes up. So I've started to look at them and their behaviors & attitudes more critically and now I can see their patterns of thinking & behaviors in me, and I totally don't like that at all.
The way me and my family differ is that they are very concerned with authority and running to some authority figure every time there's the slightest problem. You get a prank call, cry to the police. You got an upset stomach, run to the ER. You get a little oil leak, go sue someone over it. Man, I just hate that "help me, someone else has to do everything for me!" mentality. I've always been much more independent-minded and always wanted to be the kind of person that can take care of themselves. But growing up and still living in this environment has really sucked out my confidence and belief in myself to do things for myself without screwing up. And that's the biggest thing I struggle with now, is gaining confidence in myself and my ability to handle tough situations.
And I've also realized that I really was born with a male mentality, that of a manly type of guy who can take care of himself, fix his own car, and not have a panic or anxiety attack over absolutely everything like everyone in my family does. I don't like being so high strung and having no confidence in myself. I don't like living with the high anxiety levels either. My close friends have always said that I can be hard to deal with sometimes because I'm always stressed/worried to the max. And that's not who I want to be AT ALL.
So the reason for the anxiety levels being in the stratosphere again around here is because of the rust on my van, I couldn't get a sticker. So I had no choice but to trade it in towards something else. And the only "something else" in town priced at $5000 or less (most cars start at $7000 for used here) was a 99 Yukon and I went for it because I need something big. You can't move across the country with 8 cats and all your stuff in a little compact car. So I always knew if I had to get rid of my van, I would only consider another van or an SUV. Well it has a little oil leak that could cost up to or around $1000 to have someone else fix it, or you can spend a day fixing it yourself for under $100, including replacement oil & filter. And a friend of a friend who has a mechanic friend might all be willing to help me fix it by letting me use the garage space and the tools and me doing the labor under the mechanic's direction. And since I want to be a mechanic anyways, I want to do this myself for the simple f*&%ing satisfaction of being able to do things yourself! And that's a concept that is lost on my family. (And if you're thinking it should go get fixed for free, well, if you want perfect, you buy brand new 2011's. When you're poor here, you're stuck with what you can get.)
And they're even worse in regards to me, because they think of me as a real idiot and still see me as an infant pretty much. My grandmother has long since stopped calling me Seth and insists that I'm a girl now, and that's what I'll stay as. My mom & her husband still don't know that I feel that I'm a guy and like I just said, they don't see me as an adult much less as an independent man. So that's just what I'm struggling with, is having confidence in myself and not having complete panic attacks over everything.
Hey there Seth,
Welcome back to the forum - I'm just a newbie here, I'm Jack.
I'm sorry to hear about the issues you are having with your family and with your van. You mention that you have low self-esteem, and hey, it's perfectly okay to feel that way, but it's also important to remember that you can build upon that - no one else can build it for you. It's something that you have to try a build up without letting others break it down, and you can do that, you are more than capable to do that - everyone is, but it does take time. You may find that the more situations that you take head on, the more confidence you will gain, and therefore a sense of independence.
As for your family, try not to let them get you down, do what you think is best for you and no one else, don't let them impact on who you are, because at the end of the day, you know who you are and it's your life.
It'll be okay, you will get where you wanna be, just give it time and take things as they come.
Jack