I like to think that I'm lucky in my way. While my family wouldn't be supportive if they knew (some suspect things, but haven't confronted me), my husband has been with me since the official diagnosis and does support me. We've discussed what it will take to make me feel okay with myself (passing in public, chest binder, STP packer, top surgery) and what he will accept (doesn't want me to have genital surgery, which I'm okay with).
He's told his brother and best friend that I'm a guy, but we keep it from his parents and my family.
But there's one other complication. We have kids. Four year old twin sons.
They call me 'daddy' (and him 'mommy', oddly enough), which for now my family just finds funny and amusing...but how do I explain things when they're older? How do I teach them that while I'm daddy at home and in public, I have to be mommy around their grandparents?
How have other people dealt with this?
The truth, in simple terms. If they already call you daddy, and your spouse uses male pronouns, they will probably follow suit and just connect the dots ie the person known as mom who we call dad is male.
My kids were older. I just told them I was trans, then I transitioned. They figured it out before I came out.
Something as simple as: When I was born, they thought I was a girl. But I'm really a boy.
Jay
Do you have any plans on telling the rest of your family?
I'm trying to understand the situation. At home and in public, you are presenting as male and therefore it is okay for your children to call you daddy in those situations. But with the rest of your family, you want them to use mommy instead? So, do you want them to keep daddy a "secret" or just realize that the rest of the family sees you as female and your family's perception of you is unlikely to change?
It would not go over well if I told my parents and siblings. They're all highly religious and I was raised in a household where the mere mention of transgenders or homosexuals would get me a lecture and sometimes punishment (I was at one point completely forbidden from seeing a friend because he revealed that he was bisexual).
At home (my home) I'm treated as a male. But when around my family I have to continue to act as a female.
Right now my family thinks it's funny that the boys call me 'daddy', but as the boys get older, my family will likely be upset if it continues. I'm trying to prepare for the day when I have to explain to the twins that 'Yes, daddy is a boy, but his mommy and daddy don't know that, so we have to keep it secret'.
Ah okay. Makes more sense. Your last statement may be all that is needed. How in depth you go would depend on the age of your children when you tell them.
You know your children and your family dynamics better than anyone else. When the time comes, I think you'll know what to say to your boys. They may not get it at first, but I think with time and age things will become clearer and easier to understand.
I wish I had better advice. There are a lot of parents on this forum, so I'm sure you'll get some more responses.
Quote from: MasonM on June 28, 2011, 02:39:48 PM
Right now my family thinks it's funny that the boys call me 'daddy', but as the boys get older, my family will likely be upset if it continues. I'm trying to prepare for the day when I have to explain to the twins that 'Yes, daddy is a boy, but his mommy and daddy don't know that, so we have to keep it secret'.
this is pretty much all you need. when they're a little bit older you can tell about how your parents thought you were a girl, but it's impossible for them to understand that you're a boy now so it's better to still keep it a secret in order to not hurt them. it's really wonderful how willing kids are to accept not talking about something because someone doesn't understand it. the whole reason for why your parents won't understand/accept can be saved for the day your kids start realizing how religiousness works with them