I just thought maybe I'd share my story with you all, and I guess maybe it will help on deciding what I want to do.
I think it all started in 2nd grade (if earlier than that, I don't remember). I was a fan of Britney Spears back then, and thinking back now, I think I envied her. Anyways, I saw her on a magazine sitting on a beach with cut-off jeans, and I wanted to be like her, so, I took a pair of jeans and cut them into shorts like hers was. That was the first thing. Then, once I wanted to try on my mom's bra when she was letting my sister's try it on, and she said no, cause I'm a boy. I don't remember if I got upset about it or not though. Then, many years later, I think in 6th grade or 7th grade, my parents left the house, and I was home alone. I decided to go ahead and try on some of my mom's clothes, and when I did, it felt wonderful, I loved it. I kept doing that whenever I could. Then, at one point, I got a gf that lived overseas, and during that time I stopped for about a year or so until we broke up, and then I started doing it again. Whenever I could, I would put on women's clothing, make my hair more feminine, and put make-up. One day, I decided to tell my mom. She wasn't happy about it. I don't remember what was said, I just remember she seemed to have not liked the idea. So, I didn't bring it up again, of course I still dressed up though, but I didn't bring it up until about 10th grade. She wasn't happy again, she said it was just a phase and that I'm a boy, not a girl, and that I don't even look like one. Again, I kept my mouth shut, and haven't spoken of it since. I have jokingly (not jokingly on my part, but I made it sound like I was joking) asked if I could wear a bra, or "Can I get a dress too?" Whenever I mention something like that to her, she just kinda ignores it, and seems upset about it. I think it's what's kinda holding me back: disappointing those around me. Oh, when I told her the second time around, she goes and tells my grandma and aunt. My aunt I don't think flipped out, but my grandma, man she did. That ticked me off a bit. I told her that because I trusted her, and she turns around and tells someone. What's also holding me back is career path I want to go on; I don't think it would be the same if I went down it as a female. I just can't help not wanting to be a female though, I picture myself as a woman, with a man, and it just seems perfect. Sometimes even with another female it seems perfect. I'm just confused on what to do.
And a minor thing, when I first saw The Longest Yard (the one with Adam Sandler), I found out a guy could actually become a girl, and I just wanted to do it even more.
There's also a (maybe important) part to the story, but I don't think I'm allowed to really talk about it on here.
But yeah, there's my story, sorry for the long read lol
Tyler, honey, I can feel your pain. I grew up knowing I was a girl, and although I'm a bit older than you, I could never convince my Mom that nature was wrong. I got married, but first began taking her BCPs (she just assumed she had misplaced them), then the phytoestrogens, and I began to grow. She eventually moved into the spare bedroom, and I began to wear a chemise every night.
Because of my job I haven't come out, but am feeling more and more like the woman I am every day. I'm too tall, and a bit overweight, but I'm thinking about seeing my doc to start on the real HRT.
I still love my wife (she's pretty neutral), but I feel like a big strong girl. Do you think I should contintue?
I would say if you REALLY, I mean really, want to do it, then go for it. Just make sure that is what you want to do, think on it and find out if that's what you really want. I'm not discouraging you, but most of the stuff you'll transition into, is irreversible, especially the SRS. However, in my opinion, you sound like you really want to do it, so go for it. I wish you luck on your journey!
Sorry for the double post, but I just thought I'd like to update on my feelings
I feel like what I want is getting a little clearer, but at the same time, more fuzzy. Like, One day I realized that if I went through with this, I'd probably want to maybe go with a ->-bleeped-<- (I'm bi, so this would satisfy both of my needs) but then I thought about it, and knew that if we got married, that might make things a bit difficult.
I also have some kind of theory in my mind, that maybe I'm compensating for not ever having a relationship. So I'm gonna try and get a girlfriend and try things out.
I also feel like wanting to become a woman, has slowly been overpowering the side that's saying stay male. I think this might be because of the fact, a few years ago, I pushed the thought of a sex change WAY down into myself, and now, it's pushing it's self ever stronger (some times I feel like it's a bad thing, but a lot of times, I don't mind it)
I mean, I want to go through with it, every time I think about it, I get all giddy and excited about it, and I kinda feel like I'll be a lot happier if I did. Then there's that little moment that I think it's not what I want, that I want to marry a beautiful woman and have kids. Which is a lot of times, right.
I just wish there was a way I could at least TRY out being a woman, seeing what it's like. We can only wish though.
Again, sorry for the long read. I just need somewhere to dump what I'm feeling inside, I got no one else.
I understand completely about the long and double post. Sometimes, it can be hard to stop once you start talking about something this personal...especially when it has been pushed deep down inside for a long time. This is certainly a good site for it. There's a lot of really good advice here, too.
For help with deciding what to do, I'd suggest finding a counselor or therapist who is familiar with transgender/transsexual issues. They can help you clarify your path forward and point you to additional resources.
Good luck. :)
I actually have thought about that, but besides the money issue, I just kinda feel like the first thing they would say would be "have you tried being with a girl yet?" and I'd say no, then they would say something along the lines of me trying to be with one
I dunno, maybe I'm just over thinking it
and thank you ^_^
Quote from: Tyler92 on August 23, 2011, 03:06:18 AM
I also have some kind of theory in my mind, that maybe I'm compensating for not ever having a relationship. So I'm gonna try and get a girlfriend and try things out.
I thought this way too, when I was in high school. I thought my desires to be a woman somehow stemmed from my desires to be with a woman, and that the feelings would go away once I was in a relationship.
It didn't change anything. A person's gender identity is not linked to their relationship needs. My desires to be seen as female comes from my *being* female, at least mentally. The mind and the body want to become one, and it's much easier to change the body than it is the mind.
QuoteI also feel like wanting to become a woman, has slowly been overpowering the side that's saying stay male. I think this might be because of the fact, a few years ago, I pushed the thought of a sex change WAY down into myself, and now, it's pushing it's self ever stronger (some times I feel like it's a bad thing, but a lot of times, I don't mind it)
I mean, I want to go through with it, every time I think about it, I get all giddy and excited about it, and I kinda feel like I'll be a lot happier if I did. Then there's that little moment that I think it's not what I want, that I want to marry a beautiful woman and have kids. Which is a lot of times, right.
You can be an MTF and still have kids. You can bank sperm, or adopt.
Keeping it all deep down inside isn't healthy though. As Dana said, it would be wise to find a therapist to talk to about this, preferably one who is understanding of trans issues.
Quote from: Lily on August 25, 2011, 11:34:39 PM
I thought this way too, when I was in high school. I thought my desires to be a woman somehow stemmed from my desires to be with a woman, and that the feelings would go away once I was in a relationship.
It didn't change anything. A person's gender identity is not linked to their relationship needs. My desires to be seen as female comes from my *being* female, at least mentally. The mind and the body want to become one, and it's much easier to change the body than it is the mind.
You can be an MTF and still have kids. You can bank sperm, or adopt.
Keeping it all deep down inside isn't healthy though. As Dana said, it would be wise to find a therapist to talk to about this, preferably one who is understanding of trans issues.
-I know gender identity and sexuality aren't linked, but I want to be sure that it's what I really want and it's not just some phase. And the only way I can see to test that, is try being in a relationship with a woman, and if it goes away, it goes away, if it doesn't, then I'll go through with it.
-I actually thought about it more since I posted it, and if I went through with this, I think what I'll do is bank sperm (probably quite a bit, just to be safe, lol), "fool around" for awhile: Like, be with both men and women for a few years, and when I'm ready, marry another woman, and use my sperm to impregnate her and, well, live happily after? lol.
I had also thought about adopting and using a surrogate, but the problem with both, is I want the kids to be of my own DNA and I couldn't take away a baby from it's mother.
-I think I need to see a therapist too, not just for my gender identity issue, but so I can have someone to personally talk to
Quote from: Tyler92 on November 26, 2011, 12:42:06 AM
And the only way I can see to test that, is try being in a relationship with a woman, and if it goes away, it goes away, if it doesn't, then I'll go through with it.
First, Hi Tyler92 :icon_wave:
Regarding the part quoted above, I'd only like to tell you to be careful about the people you involve in your life and the ones you might end up getting hurt in the process (including yourself). Some say the Road to Hell is paved with good intentions. :(
I wish you the best of luck :)
Just out of interest, do you identify as male or female to yourself?
I ask this because I notice you put your gender on the site as male. Do you feel like because you have/may not transitioned that you must put your biological sex on Internet sites such as this one?
Quote from: Nurse With Wound on November 26, 2011, 11:57:47 AM
Just out of interest, do you identify as male or female to yourself?
I ask this because I notice you put your gender on the site as male. Do you feel like because you have/may not transitioned that you must put your biological sex on Internet sites such as this one?
I for some reason have never thought about that. I'm not sure which one I identify my self as. I've been conflicting with the two in my brain for so long now to decided what gender I want to be, and I never stopped to think what gender I AM.
I know, I've been gone awhile and this thread has been quite dead lol, but I just wanted to give an update. Sorry I haven't been on, I live with my family and they don't know so it's hard to get on without the risk of being discovered. I mean if they found out then I'd tell the truth, but I'd rather they not because my mom is really against the idea (she says I'm a boy so I'm staying a boy). ANYWAY, so, good news. I told my dad I wanted to become a female and he supports it 100%, and he told his girlfriend who also supports it, and they both want to help out as much as they can. I've also decided I'm going to go through with it. I want and I need this. I can't spend my life wondering what it would be like if I did. Since both of these events I have felt happier in my life, except for the fact I can't do anything about it just yet, which just annoys and frustrates me. But every time I think about it I just get so excited :D I've also had a few more revelations: I'd rather be called mom than dad, and as a female I'd be fine working in a cubicle if I have to, and I'd actually work out and exercise. As a man I wouldn't do either of those things. My sexuality has become clear now: I find women attractive emotionally and not as much sexually, and men attractive physically and not as much as emotionally. Though, I can see myself being in a relationship with a man and maybe even marrying him :). I've even been picturing myself with a man more than a woman lol. I'm still trying to work on a name though. I've been thinking about Rachel Madison. Not sure if I'll stick with it yet.
But yeah, I just feel like I've made a lot of progress since I last logged in and things seem clearer and better in a sense. I've also came up with a simple plan that I need to act on: Get a job->Get my license->Join LGBT club->Make friends->hopefully find a roommate. I know the last part will take awhile, I wouldn't let a stranger I just met live with me xD, but still.
Sorry again for the essay lol. I hope to try and be more active on here when I can :)
OH, I also came out to my online friends and most of them support me and have helped me out a bit :D
Oh, god, we have quite a few things in common here. Would your username happen to be a reference to your birth year? If so....you wouldn't happen to have a long-lost twin brother, would you? :)
QuoteI think it all started in 2nd grade (if earlier than that, I don't remember). I was a fan of Britney Spears back then, and thinking back now, I think I envied her. Anyways, I saw her on a magazine sitting on a beach with cut-off jeans, and I wanted to be like her...What's also holding me back is career path I want to go on; I don't think it would be the same if I went down it as a female. I just can't help not wanting to be a female though, I picture myself as a woman, with a man, and it just seems perfect. Sometimes even with another female it seems perfect. I'm just confused on what to do.
You just blew my mind. I loved Britney back then, but I never thought of it in that context until now. Come to think of it, I've never had a reason to like girls, besides the lovely "you're supposed to" many of us are told. I can completely relate when it comes to differing careers - when I think of myself as a male (a grown boy, really, because I can't think of myself as a "man") I either want to be a singer or a nurse. When I imagine being a women, I want nothing more than to be a computer nerd or game designer.
QuoteI also have some kind of theory in my mind, that maybe I'm compensating for not ever having a relationship
I'VE BEEN DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY WITH THIS SAME THOUGHT!!! I'm guessing by your update that these feelings have been sorted?
I hope everything goes well for you ;) I'm also stuck at the "Get a job" phase.
Quote from: Horizon on April 02, 2013, 10:30:03 PM
Oh, god, we have quite a few things in common here. Would your username happen to be a reference to your birth year? If so....you wouldn't happen to have a long-lost twin brother, would you? :)
You just blew my mind. I loved Britney back then, but I never thought of it in that context until now. Come to think of it, I've never had a reason to like girls, besides the lovely "you're supposed to" many of us are told. I can completely relate when it comes to differing careers - when I think of myself as a male (a grown boy, really, because I can't think of myself as a "man") I either want to be a singer or a nurse. When I imagine being a women, I want nothing more than to be a computer nerd or game designer.
I'VE BEEN DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY WITH THIS SAME THOUGHT!!! I'm guessing by your update that these feelings have been sorted?
I hope everything goes well for you ;) I'm also stuck at the "Get a job" phase.
Yeah, it is. Born in 1892! jk, 1992. LOL idk I might :P
It's kinda suckish how society ends up shaping us like that. At least now it's more clear for you :) A nurse is a good job, as well as a singer. But I can see how computer nerd and game designer are a lot more fun lol. The only career I can see myself as a male as would be doing something famous, which is a bit unrealistic. Not impossible, but not very realistic lol.
Yeah, they have. I've fully realized that my relationship history shouldn't affect my gender identity. Thank you, and same to you. Yeah, it's a bit of pain and harder when you're actually scared to get one lol.
Quote from: Tyler92 on August 23, 2011, 03:06:18 AM
I also have some kind of theory in my mind, that maybe I'm compensating for not ever having a relationship. So I'm gonna try and get a girlfriend and try things out.
I also feel like wanting to become a woman, has slowly been overpowering the side that's saying stay male. I think this might be because of the fact, a few years ago, I pushed the thought of a sex change WAY down into myself, and now, it's pushing it's self ever stronger (some times I feel like it's a bad thing, but a lot of times, I don't mind it)
I mean, I want to go through with it, every time I think about it, I get all giddy and excited about it, and I kinda feel like I'll be a lot happier if I did. Then there's that little moment that I think it's not what I want, that I want to marry a beautiful woman and have kids. Which is a lot of times, right.
I just wish there was a way I could at least TRY out being a woman, seeing what it's like. We can only wish though.
Again, sorry for the long read. I just need somewhere to dump what I'm feeling inside, I got no one else.
Hello Tyler, I am dealing with similar thoughts. I don't know whether my intense desires for femininity is just a consequence of me needing a girlfriend or that it's genuine TS feelings. Considering your updates, how did you figure it out, with or without a relationship?
Quote from: Feather on April 06, 2013, 01:10:12 PM
Hello Tyler, I am dealing with similar thoughts. I don't know whether my intense desires for femininity is just a consequence of me needing a girlfriend or that it's genuine TS feelings. Considering your updates, how did you figure it out, with or without a relationship?
Without. Though, I will be honest and say there was a point when I was so sure I was going to be with a girl, that during that time I tried to fight the idea of becoming a woman and the feelings disappeared quite a bit. They were still there, but I didn't feel like I wanted to go through with it. BUT I realized that I need to go through with it, I can't always wonder. If it's not for me, then it's not for me. If it is then it is. My advice I can give is, if you have a chance of getting a girlfriend, do it, see what happens and if things change. If you're unlucky like me and can't, then just go through with it. It's not like you're going to make life-changing decisions, at least right away, so why not?
Quote from: Tyler92 on April 07, 2013, 01:23:39 AM
Without. Though, I will be honest and say there was a point when I was so sure I was going to be with a girl, that during that time I tried to fight the idea of becoming a woman and the feelings disappeared quite a bit. They were still there, but I didn't feel like I wanted to go through with it. BUT I realized that I need to go through with it, I can't always wonder. If it's not for me, then it's not for me. If it is then it is. My advice I can give is, if you have a chance of getting a girlfriend, do it, see what happens and if things change. If you're unlucky like me and can't, then just go through with it. It's not like you're going to make life-changing decisions, at least right away, so why not?
Hi Tyler,
If you take hormones it is a life-changing decision because they can make you impotent. I would want to be absolutely sure about it or it would be a big gamble. Getting a girlfriend would put things into perspective for me. I also know that once I accepted my sexual fantasies of being female I have almost completely lost the desire to masturbate. It might be stress related, I don't know (can't remember having it like this in the past) but am worried about many things these days. Do you still have a big urge to masturbate..?
Keep us updated ;)
Quote from: Feather on April 07, 2013, 09:27:12 AM
Hi Tyler,
If you take hormones it is a life-changing decision because they can make you impotent. I would want to be absolutely sure about it or it would be a big gamble. Getting a girlfriend would put things into perspective for me. I also know that once I accepted my sexual fantasies of being female I have almost completely lost the desire to masturbate. It might be stress related, I don't know (can't remember having it like this in the past) but am worried about many things these days. Do you still have a big urge to masturbate..?
Keep us updated ;)
Oh yeah, it is. But I mean the dressing up for a certain amount of time part. As for masturbating, yeah, I still do from time to time
Another update on me. I feel very excited, but at the same time a bit down in the dumps a lot. Here's why I'm excited. Still having not have moved out, one day my mom brought the idea up of me and my sister finding an apartment and moving in together. At first I was iffy on it, because it seemed like it would mess with my plan. After some time thinking on it, I realized that this would be better because I know my sister, and it's an immediate roommate, I wouldn't have to worry about finding one, and possibly end up with a bad roommate, and maybe if I told her that I was going to transition, she would support me.
So, that's what I did. I told her I was going to become a female, even if we moved together. And at first she was like "No, no you're not." but after some time talking it over, she seems really supportive about it. So now all that's left is me getting a job, and her, and finding a place to live. I'M ONE STEP CLOSER :'D Also, because she was in the know, she was able to buy a couple things of make-up for me! The problem is, because I know what I want now and who I want to be, I get random spurs of depression because I'm not that person, and I don't have what I want. I know it's partly my fault, because if I got a job then the sooner I can, but it still sucks.
The only issue I have with living with my sister, is I'm worried about getting her involved. I don't want her to lose her friends, or her family, or to get crap for supporting me and associating with me. I told her about this, and she says I have nothing to worry about, but still. It's my older sibling instincts kicking in. I don't want her to get hurt.
ANYWHO, yeah, I've been really excited lately and I can't wait to move out of here. I just gotta get my lazy ass up and do it lol.
That's great to hear, Tyler! Seems like things are looking up!
While the depression will be there while you're not doing what you want to do, at least having a clearer future is some peace of mind. And your sister might have already considered these negatives and have decided to endure them to support you, which is pretty cool of her. Or she might not even think they'll happen, which also not implausible.
Keep your head up. Life will always have negatives, but when you focus on the positives, it can certainly feel good!
Quote from: Nov413 on July 17, 2013, 02:56:27 AM
That's great to hear, Tyler! Seems like things are looking up!
While the depression will be there while you're not doing what you want to do, at least having a clearer future is some peace of mind. And your sister might have already considered these negatives and have decided to endure them to support you, which is pretty cool of her. Or she might not even think they'll happen, which also not implausible.
Keep your head up. Life will always have negatives, but when you focus on the positives, it can certainly feel good!
Thank you, and they are. I feel a little more excited every day knowing that I'm getting closer to find out who I really am (whether female or male).
In fact, I just wanted to pop in for a sec and say that I start seeing a therapist about all of this today. It went pretty well I suppose, she was really nice, and let me know she's willing to help. Only thing that bugged me is that I feel like I didn't talk well or clearly enough, but she said I did great. Next time I'll do better. I'm going to right a list out. I told her about my anxiety and depression, and with the fact I told her I was a bout 70% sure about wanting to become a woman, she wants to help me work on my anxiety and depression first, which she gave me some "homework" that I am going to start on tomorrow. I feel like this is only a small step, but I know it's going to lead to bigger ones.
Should I just make this thread into a blog, do you think? Since I kinda went beyond my background? Or is this fine?