I know Ive thought about it, and through the process of coming to terms with my gender identity vs social revelation. Ive tasted the barrel of a gun. Let me clarify that it was not because I yearn to be female, but rather the fear and projection of the social ramifications associated with the process of transitioning and coming out.
That being said, we need to clarify just how prevalent this is.
How many of you (MTF and FTM) have contemplated suicide as a result of your gender identity?
I'm so opposed to any form of killing that I couldn't bring myself to taking my own life, my life like everyone else's is too precious to take even if it's not what I fully want.
I know I have an have a gun to my head too. I don't think I would have actually done it though for the simple reason that someone you care about has to find you and that has to really be hard.
I think most people when dealing with a difficult event look to suicide as an option to make an impossible situation disappear. perhaps not seriously but I believe more people look there than they lead on.
I recently decided that I needed to stop acting like a man when it comes to my mental health and got professional help .... Therapy for gid and related issues as well as getting paxil to help me deal with it all. Best thing I ever did. I am not fully out as there is no reason to add instability back into my life now but I am incredibly comfortable with what once was a secret I would have killed to keep from being discovered.
I think if you are considering suicide go get someone to talk to, preferably a therapist, and go to you doc and ask for some happy pills. If you have a headache you take a pill to treat it. This is just a different kind of headache.
I think the hardest thing is the social perception of us and our fears of how people in society will treat us and react to our disclosure. This is what kept me in the closet until age 37 and I have decided not to live in stealth after transition and to work publicly to be the change that we need in society. This is a huge leap from where I was seven months ago when the only person who ever knew was my wife.
I decided that I couldn't stand all those years holding the secret inside me and that post transition it will be really hard to keep it a secret anyways without just walking away from life, kids, my businesses, family, friends, etc. And even if I did I would always be wondering if the person I was talking to knew.
Plus I'm a pretty successful ->-bleeped-<- in my personal and professional life and I think I can be a good role model for the younger TS grappling with the same problem I wish I had Dealt with when I was a teenager.
Quote from: jillian on July 10, 2011, 12:20:12 PM
How many of you (MTF and FTM) have contemplated suicide as a result of your gender identity?
No. Not because of that.
But I have gone beyond contemplation for other reasons and were it not for a chance encounter followed by a trip to the hospital, I would not be here posting this. I have been to dark places in my mind that make hell seem like a walk in the park.
However, I am a firm believer in the notion that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And consider myself fortunate that through experiencing that, I can now better empathise with, and offer help to others who find themselves in similar situations.
I had contemplated it AND planned out how I'd do it.
I'm still here though, so it ins't going to happen thankfuly.
Quote from: Sephirah on July 10, 2011, 01:14:54 PM
No. Not because of that.
But I have gone beyond contemplation for other reasons and were it not for a chance encounter followed by a trip to the hospital, I would not be here posting this. I have been to dark places in my mind that make hell seem like a walk in the park.
However, I am a firm believer in the notion that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And consider myself fortunate that through experiencing that, I can now better empathise with, and offer help to others who find themselves in similar situations.
Ditto
Sorry, I never have considered suicide.
I've been diagnosed with all kinds of mental problems. I've taken pills of all shapes and colors to try and fix the mental problems doctors with advanced degrees all said I clearly had. Then I started to talk to a therapist. She eventually became a strong ally for me and I managed to jump over the barbed wire that was holding me into the socially acceptable range of expression denoted for the gender I was assigned. Over time it became obvious a lot of these mental problems were stems off of the difficulties I was experiencing trying to fit my mind into my body. Living against the grain had become so normal that the pain it inflicted, the suffering I was forced to endure. It all became part of what I could only understand everyone else dealt with, only better than myself. Therefore it came to pass several times I was very inclined to end it all, to toss myself over the edge and into the beyond, a great chasm of nothing. And I'm sure I would have, at some point, wasted what will now be a wonderful and full life. You are your mind. Your body is only the vessel which contains you. Trying to force yourself into the wrong shaped container is only going to give you square watermelon and round bananas.
I haven't seriously considered it, but sometimes when life is getting a bit rough, the thought would cross my mind, but I'd quickly shut it out...I'm sorry, but I think suicide is just a cowardly act, an easy way out from all your problems, when you can be strong and stand up for yourself. I also shut it out because I just couldn't do it to my family. I try to picture what life for my family would be like if I did it, and I picture them hurt and crying, and I just couldn't do that.
Mostly my adult male life was a self destructive dare devil quest to end it all, turns out I m unkillable, sorta like Wiley Coyote, I still get down sometimes but usually by the time Its really bad i don`t have the energy to hurt myself.
I hate to admit it, but I have a .45apc (1911 style) and the reason why I bought it, right after my 21st birthday was so that i could end things. I never did actually it of course, but it does set in a locked box near my bed, a constant reminder of where things were at once upon a time.
Quote from: nickikim on July 10, 2011, 02:40:06 PM
Mostly my adult male life was a self destructive dare devil quest to end it all, turns out I m unkillable, sorta like Wiley Coyote, I still get down sometimes but usually by the time Its really bad i don`t have the energy to hurt myself.
Like you, during my tens and early 20's I did a bunch of stuff, like being in combat, racing bikes, drinking stupid, etc., etc., and death just wuld not come for me. Later on as I inmmerse in my studies, and accepted myself, the destructive behaviour ended.
Know I belive there is always an option, suciede is not an option except for the terminally ill aand that is during the last stages.
Been there on a number of occasions but thankfully, as you can tell, I made the right decision. I'm still here and fighting every day! Saying it gets better is not the same as saying it gets easy. That's an important point to remember for people. Suicide is not an enviable situation and it is not a solution. There are much better ways, harder ways yes, but better. Hang in there!
for years I had these dark thoughts, but managed to hold them off, and at the same time repress my true self. Then after I finshed uni (which proved a good way to run from myself) they came back stronger than ever, one day I was so depressed and trapped I was just wanting not to exist any more, some part of myself realised that either I had to be me, or die. The following day I started the road to transistion, I dont find it easy, my realtionship often teeters on the edge of destruction, and is also strained with my family, but now ive let my inner self out I know that life is worth living, I know this is going to be a painful path but I can never go back to what I once was.
Quote from: Sephirah on July 10, 2011, 01:14:54 PM
No. Not because of that.
But I have gone beyond contemplation for other reasons and were it not for a chance encounter followed by a trip to the hospital, I would not be here posting this. I have been to dark places in my mind that make hell seem like a walk in the park.
However, I am a firm believer in the notion that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And consider myself fortunate that through experiencing that, I can now better empathise with, and offer help to others who find themselves in similar situations.
Same here. Did contemplate it but because of something unrelated to gender issues.
I'm bipolar, so suicidal ideation is kind of a given for me. However, I never became suicidal over GID. When I figured out what my problem was, I did something about it. As per times in the past when the thought of suicide occurred to me, I always tell myself this, which gets me through: "Tomorrow might be the day everything turns around. If I end it now, I might never know how good it could have been."
Before transition i had a lot of suicidal thoughts, but never acted on them, even if i wanted many time.
Once i de-transitioned i tried to slit my wrist twice, but today i transitioned again and there is no way i'll go back.
I do contemplate rather often for a variety of reasons and I have attempted a few times... Sometimes I think I think about it too much :-\
For a period of about 3-4 years I was prone to suicidal tendencies, for numerous reasons. Sometimes it was gender identity issues, other times life itself, general heavy depression, etc. Fortunately I was always too scared to do it, and have grown for it since. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and nearly landed in the ER a little over 2 years ago before I really started to change my life in a direction that has led me to where I am today. Life still has it's ups and downs lately, but it's not to where I can't handle it now, and with the last two counselors I have had I have been able to work out many problems and come up with healthy coping mechanisms and strategies for issues as they arise in my life. Now I've been able to do and experience things that show me the good side of life that I would never have had a chance to had I harmed myself.
Been there. But medications have helped me a lot. I don't think about it anymore. And now, that I'm actively working towards my transition, I'm happier than ever! :)
I have contemplated suicide and with the exception of being suicidal following the loss of my mother each and every time was directly related to my transsexuality. I find as I grown older life has had a way of slowing down which is good for me. When I began hrt I was so suprised to find that what I refer to as my inner life became so much calmer and tranquil. Yes, I cry sometimes and I still get depressed but the episodes of being depressed are few and far between. I suppose for me it's a matter of having simply grown tired of living a life which never fit the person I really am. Being over 50, I'm not going to say to heck with the world and what it thinks but instead embrace the world and learn to love myself. I was created this way for a reason and being naturally hard headed I am going to make the most of the years I have left.
Whenever I hear of a trans person dying by their own hand I feel as if I've been punched in the stomach and I feel sorry that there was nothing I could do to help them see that life is worth living. If any of you ever feel suicidal please, please get help whether it's by calling a friend, a helpline, posting here or contacting me. I'm no psychologist but I do understand how being different in a society which is moving at a snail's pace toward accepting us or at least tolerating us is.
We're all worthy of happy, rich and fulfilling lives. All of us.
I think when I was 28 when I came THIS close to make bloody mess of myself and end things. (wrists and razor blade...)
It was the realization that I had no vagina and no boobs and it just got so bad at that point. I'd thought that my "hetereo" relationship to a BI marriage partner was doomed because of that. The word transsexual was not known to me and neither to most any of medical folks in SA.
Nobody could help, or in the least even make me understand what was going on --- still for years later. It was in the 70s and going to a shrink was a declaration of being one serious nut-case. Psychotherapy was just so loaded with shame and failure it's for most not even imaginable today.
Well, so I put my clinical-depression-back-pack back on and trudged on --- and here I was.
Having gone through all this stuff for years and years makes one so appreciative when FINALLY you are allowing yourself to be who you are. There is no greater joy.
Greetings,
Axelle
Yes I have.
Been there too. Meds helped me also.
Yes 'tried' as a teen and young adult.
Since beginning transition no way will i give in.
Cindy
And I am here for any of you who need or want, or have to talk.
I am Cindy James and I am here for you
Cindy
I'm also a really bad dancer ??? ;D >:( >:-) :D
It was never an option to me until I stated to address my gender issues. Life sucked and I trudged on. Now I know who and what I am and that something can be done about it and the suffering I experience living as a man is unbearable. Thank god I don't own a gun! It's one day at a time, move forward with transition because it brings me happiness and don't stop or turn around because death is right behind me.
I, too, Have tried several times. Pills, a car twice and a razor to a wrist. But I am still here.
And now I am almost done with transition. Only SRS is left.
Hang in there, it does get better.
I have in the past considered it and have gotten right up to the moment of truth with a gun in my mouth. I never could pull the trigger....
I have made progress in transition and I am a very happy person compared to where I ussed to be at.
If it ever does come to the point where I kill myself I promiss you all that my gender issues will not have been the deciding factor.
It will be the unremiting and constant state of pain and agony I am in that drives me to that point. Gender is not a valid excuse in my world.
I've thought about it but I'll never act upon it. I'd rather suffer through the worst to the light at the end of tunnel. I chose substance abuse instead, but I should be technically be dead if it weren't for my luck.
I've contemplated it a few times, but it was almost always more of a combination of a lot of bad things going on at once. The only time it was strictly gender related was in elementary school, where I got the idea into my head that I might be reincarnated into a girl if I killed myself. Wishing certainly wasn't working.
Quote from: jillian on July 10, 2011, 12:20:12 PM
I know Ive thought about it, and through the process of coming to terms with my gender identity vs social revelation. Ive tasted the barrel of a gun. Let me clarify that it was not because I yearn to be female, but rather the fear and projection of the social ramifications associated with the process of transitioning and coming out.
That being said, we need to clarify just how prevalent this is.
How many of you (MTF and FTM) have contemplated suicide as a result of your gender identity?
I have an antique machete from the civil war hung on my wall, it shall be used as a decoration, nothing more.
When you look at the medications on the kitchen counter, and read the number of "do not use alcohol while taking this medication", take all of them except one at the right doseage, and the one you double because it makes you forget to be careful, and then have a liter of wine, and go on and drink six beers. Not a quick suicide, but you don't give a darn about running the car off the road, or getting into a head on collision. No thought about suicide, just you hope its your last sleep time!! (2.7 years of sobriety because I faced my GID!!)
A study released back in February put the score at 51% of TG people try suicide at least once.
Imo, if you are contemplating suicide, because of constant worrying about "coming out" than perhaps you need to seek a therapist educated with experience dealing with TG..You have to figure out first who you are and which gender you are..If you dont know this than perhaps you are not TG...Alot of ppl ive come in contact with have this problem, because they are in conflict with themselves and worry about what others think..I personally do not care...
Quote from: jillian on July 10, 2011, 12:20:12 PM
I know Ive thought about it, and through the process of coming to terms with my gender identity vs social revelation. Ive tasted the barrel of a gun. Let me clarify that it was not because I yearn to be female, but rather the fear and projection of the social ramifications associated with the process of transitioning and coming out.
That being said, we need to clarify just how prevalent this is.
How many of you (MTF and FTM) have contemplated suicide as a result of your gender identity?
I spent more days than not thinking about it from the age of 17 or so until well into my 22nd year - with one significant interlude of several months when I thought I'd found a solution.
lately, over the last 6 months or so, I muse about it again but not because of my GI - just more a matter of circumstances...kind of the notion that I've so throughly failed in getting to this point that I'm actually hurting the circumstances of others by my existence.
I've not gotten very close to be sure, but i linger over the thought some days.
The only suicidal thoughts I've ever had directly correlate to Gender Identity Disorder, and the trials and tribulations that come from being in an extremely male body that does not represent who I am on the inside to the outside world, which has directly caused unemployment, loss of family and friends, and various health issues. Not once have I thought of suicide outside of my disorder, because quite frankly, I do not make my own mistakes; I have one of the highest IQ's in my entire State, and I've never once been arrested or participated in behavior that destroyed anything in my life. Every negative in my life is an outside force that incorporates the discrimination I received because of My Body vs. My Gender.
Which means, quite frankly, it seems as though many people here have disorders outside the Identity, which can indeed be a confusing palette when one is trying to discover if they're truly of GID or not. The funny thing is I'm somehow the person who gets accused most of not having GID (especially in the eyes of professionals), apparently because I haven't been a "wreckless man" yet. It seems that "destroying one's life during a period of gender-denial" is a requirement for being diagnosed with GID. Strange ol' contradictory world we live in. However, I personally have always been a perfectionist instead, that's sort of "my" tool for dealing with my life.
For instance, I'm literally broke because of the severe discrimination I've faced in my medical life, my business life, and such and forth. I have not made a single life mistake that attributes to my financial situation, my entire life situation has been caused by criminal behavior that has been done against me by multiple doctors, employers, family members, friends, and professionals. I've not made one mistake. And of coarse, my sense of honesty and perfection gives me a quite direct feeling that the entire world is against me (many criminals in my life have gone 100% unpunished), which, unlike a hormonal teenager, my feelings of the world are quite accurate, especially in relation to the extremely discriminatory area that I live in. I live in a different type of area than most young adults and trans live in.
Quote from: Sarah7 on July 12, 2011, 09:35:39 AM
Are you thinking of "Injustice at Every Turn: A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey" - the American one published Feb 3 with 6450 respondents? The figure was 41%, but that doesn't include those that succeeded, obviously.
Sorry, finger slipped!! That one. Actually one sub group did go way higher than the average though. (Can't find my file on the report. I actually downloaded it.)
yes i have. a handful of psych meds and a bottle of vodka. wasnt related to my gender identity, but was related to being ->-bleeped-<- upon by the man I thought that loved me.
I was there, begging god to take it away, and felt the time had stopped, in my hand white pills fulfilling the end, only one movement of my hand and it is over. But the image of my beautiful child, so perfect, so innocent, so wise and thoughtful kept my hand from reaching. I sat there, tears pouring, still begging for the end but somehow I knew it wasn't mine to take away. Moments have passed, then minutes and hours, exhausted I fell to the bed, and kept on sobbing and repeating, why me, why me, why me.
I am still here.
I've thought about it many times. Usually I don't get further than a passing thought because I don't want to let the haters out there win. They'd love for me to do their dirty work for them. But sometimes a person just wants all the pain to stop... Sometimes while going down the highway at high speed the trees along the side of the road look mighty inviting... Just a quick yank on the wheel and it would be over in seconds...
It isn't exclusively because of this condition, but when added to having no money, no job, poor health, and no friends within hundreds of miles, it gets to be more than a person can handle. I've seen people less qualified than me given jobs over me (even one who failed the drug test), watched the friends I did have here move away to other things while I'm left behind with nothing. Denied unemployment because working for the university you attended doesn't count "under Florida law", denied Medicaid because the SSA thinks this body is not disabled (let's see any of them live in it for a day). I know the economy is crap now, but it is very difficult to believe that these things are not related to hate based on this condition.