So my girlfriend is straight, but in a relationship with me because she sees me as a guy. But it's hard for her to deal with how people see our relationship, because people tend to label her as gay or bi and it's not exactly a good feeling. Do any of you other FtMs have a straight girlfriend, and how do they handle this sort of thing? My gf really needs someone who understand what she's going through. She said that all the FtMs she's look up have bi girlfriends which makes her feel kind of bad?
Why would it make her feel bad to look up to FTMs who have bi girlfriends? I don't understand that.
And I don't have a straight girlfriend. but I am not on T and I am gay. and so if someone asks me or if I tell someone that I'm gay, they're going to think that I mean that I'm a lesbian since I still look like a girl being pre-T. So I guess I can relate to your straight girlfriend in that sense, since people think I'm just a lesbian too.
However, it doesn't bother me that much, because I can't blame them for thinking that. And I guess if they were close enough to me that I cared what they think, I would just tell them, "No, I'm not lesbian, I'm trans."
So I guess it just doesn't bother me that much. but I realize we're all different. and it might bother someone else a lot more than it bothers me. But I just don't see any quick solution to this problem. I don't know if you're on T, or have plans to get on T. Passing better would problem help people to not think she's gay. But I'm sure you're already doing what you can to pass. So I don't really know what to say to help.
I just try not to let things that are currently out of my control bother me. I instead try to look forward to the day when it won't be a problem anymore.
Don't know if that helps.
Well, I don't have much advice considering my situation is a bit different than your's, but I am dating a straight girl.
The only thing I can tell you is that I think she has to grin and bear it for a while. I think in dating a trans person you're taking on a fair amount of things you have to be tough enough to deal with and this is certainly one of them.
She needs to just explain to the people who call her gay or bi that that isn't the case at all, and that you are trans, and if that's too much of a hassle she needs to just shake it off and feel confident enough in how she sees you and how she feels for you.
Are you planning to go on T? If so this is probably a temporary problem and if she can stick it out long enough until you pass or until everyone sees you as completely male (sorry I don't know the exact reason why they don't see you as male) then she's a good partner to have.
Sorry my advice isn't great but hopefully it's of a little comfort to you.
Yeah I'm going to go on T since I do need to pass a bit better, and I'm a pretty androgynous asian lol. Right now I'm in the middle of therapy, and I told her that it would help a lot after I was on T for a while, and that they wouldn't shoot us down as a gay/bi couple as much or anymore, but I think it just doesn't help too much at this stage since I'm not there yet. I think it's mostly because she feels like she's the only straight gf of a transman, and that being bi or gay is pushed onto her? Maybe she feels alone about it? Although, I told her that there are plenty of ftms who have straight girlfriends, I think she just wants to know if there's someone out there who is like her and goes through what she does lol; but thanks for that you guys, that does help me some.
Lol John, your avatar, I've totally watched that anime and read that manga.
Eek, I'm in the same situation. I'm a straight female, dating an FTM. I also found it a little strange looking in the forums here and not seeing another situation like mine.
Luckily my boyfriend passed very well even before T, so it wasn't much of an issue in public. I've introduced him to a few of my friends, and gotten the occational confused pause when they meet him and hear his voice, lol. I've found that, among my friends anyways, they accept him as male. If they have suspicions, they keep them to themselves, and they have never brought it up to me. In the encounters I've witness with trans or andro people, strangers are just looking for some sort of sign as to which gender they should classify a person as. I'm sure to get the pronouns out there, when possible, and people seem to accept it.
As for being concerned about how people see your relationship, I still deal with that from time to time. I still sometimes find it hard to see this relationship as normal myself, but we're getting through it together =) and it's been almost a year now.
Sorry I don't have any answers for you or your girlfriend. I just wanted to write something so you can see you aren't alone =)
Best of luck!
She's definitely not the only straight girl dating a trans guy. Hell, most girls I know dating trans men are straight. One of my friends went through something similar in the beginning of her own relationship. She lives in a conservative part of Florida, where everyone around her insists her boyfriend is a lesbian who's trying to trick her into staying by "pretending to be a man". Yes, I want to strangle half her friends @_@. It really got to her at first, and she would even be embarrassed to be a lovey with her boyfriend in public. I managed to convince her that her friends are jackasses though and now she's confident in her relationship and kicks anyone who calls her boyfriend a girl xD. So yeah, I think your girlfriend just needs reassurance and time to adjust.
@kronique- The pronouns really help a lot with being androgynous xD my sister and friends always use them with me, so around new people, I think they usually can't tell what gender I am but when they hear "he" and "him" they just stick with it without question and they don't seem to have any problem with it. I'm glad to know that another person can relate to this sort of thing. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years now, so I'm hoping she'll be okay until I can have more major changes done to help her handle things.
@Darth_Taco- I tried to tell her there are a lot of straight girls dating trans guys but I guess she's not getting good sources so it's hard to convince. Oh man, I'm pretty sure my girlfriend is going through exactly what your friend is. She's embarrassed to be lovey with me in public also, of course I don't blame her for it, I feel pretty guilty about it lol. I hope she'll be more reassured with things soon.
Thanks for your inputs you two~
Also, how bad am I at passing? I'm just wondering since it does affect first impressions, I think I look like a really young teen.
http://i51.tinypic.com/2m7yq90.png (http://i51.tinypic.com/2m7yq90.png)
I'm fairly sure there's a section on here for significant others which is bound to have a lot of straight girls dating transmen that you could show your girlfriend or allow her to join so she can talk with them? I also recall seeing a video made by a straight girl about dating a transmen and how she viewed it and how it was socially and everything.
But yeah, as I said before I think she's just going to have to tough it out until you pass better and until people accept you as a heterosexual couple and not as bi or lesbian or whatever.
Also, you pass pretty well in the picture, I would peg you as a young teen. But voice and mannerisms and everything else play into it as well, but still I would say you pass well.
I think my mannerisms are decent, and my voice is pretty low but only good enough for maybe a 15 year old? I'll try looking into that section for significant others and see if I can find anything. I'll most likely consider my girlfriend into also looking into it if I find things.
My girlfriend is also straight. We started dating when I was pre-op and pre-t about 2 1/2 years ago.
Before it was tough to deal with since people, especially her family and co-workers, accused her of being lesbian or bisexual. Plus my other FTM friends were dating lesbians so at first I think she was a bit pressured to question her own sexuality. Most of my friends at the time were out-and-proud LBGT's while her friends were conservative heterosexual high school girls hahah so we did clash and it took her a long time to adjust.
I found that once I started T that people left us alone more. Now everything is fine, I've been on T for 21 months, post-op for 5 months and we live in a different city where no one knows everything is a lot easier for the both of us.
Ahh, thanks for that man~ Hopefully things will work out for me and my girlfriend also. We live in different countries so by the time I move back over there again, no one will really know me, I think it ends up being easier for me than her since she's been there all her life and can't exactly start fresh like I am.
Hey, my girlfriend has never been with a girl & is divorced with 2 kids and but when we firat met i was very androganized (pre-t) so we started as friends & when things started heating up between us I had some major stress over whether she actually knew I'm FtM or not so when I finally did tell her, I started rambling & she said "i dont care, shut up & kiss me!" As long as you love each other & stand by each.other then no one else's opinion matters. Yes it is nerve-racking at first but it something that will pass seeing how you are on T so just help her through it - it'll pass
I'm a straight girl, and I've never had any gay or bi inclinations, but I love my ftm boyfriend with all my heart. It's been really hard for me, and I'm still working up the courage to tell the rest of my family after my father told me "it was wrong, and I'm going to hell, and he refuses to support it." But that aside, our relationship works out great. There are ways to make the intimate component work without it being homosexual-esque. And most people do just follow whatever pronouns I used. But you're not alone in feeling lost sometimes. There's nothing that hurts me quite as much as when we walk out of a store holding hands and the greeter says "Have a nice day Ladies."
But even though it hurts to have my identity and even more his, twisted in other peoples minds, it's more than worth it to me to be and have someone as supportive as he is.
He got his name changed this week, and we're hoping he won't be outed by paperwork quite so often, because he so wants to just be normal. But...
I just really wanted to say that you're not alone. And more than that, if you ever need any advice or just to vent, you can look up my email on my profile. I'd be glad to reply.
I know this hasn't been posted in for quite some time now but I am a newcomer to the whole trans community.
Basically I have been dating a guy for a few months now. He happens to be a trans guy. Ftm.
If there are girls dating or in a relationship with someone who is trans, I am posting here for you. As I said I'm a newcomer but I thought I'd throw my two cents in.
Sometimes my "boyfriend" (easier to say) doesn't pass. On nights out when I point him out to friends who have not met him yet they say "is that your girlfriend?", "I thought that was a girl" so on so forth. My opinion on those situations is to have a strong reply. For example, no that's my boyfriend, that's the guy I'm seeing, not the girl beside him the guy (describe clothing) and so on. Now sometimes I have encountered people asking me if "my boyfriend" is a girl. I simply say no. At first I tried to keep them quiet so he wouldn't hear but then I became more used to these situations. The best way for me to deal with these situations is to simple say no and give them a baffled look and they get confused and drop the subject.
I understand other situations can arise but I have not encountered them yet.
As far as I am concerned he is what he is: a man. My man to be exact. That's all there is too it. So girlfriends of Ftm's, if you see him as a man and that's what he identifies as then that's what he is.
If you are straight and dating a ftm trans guy, then you are straight. If you are bi and dating him then you're bi who's with or dating a guy, if you're lesbian and with him then you are and with him then in my opinion you are a lesbian who is dating a man.
Stick to your guns and your beliefs. If you see the relationship a particular way then tell people that. If the question it or don't accept it well then you can't do much more then just forget it/them.
My best friend said to me one day after she found out me and "my boyfriend" (he's pre everything, but passable) had sex "Ohhhh you're a full lesbian now" (as I am bi but have never slept with a woman). I quickly responded "I'm not coz he's a guy. So therefor I am not a lesbian."
She realized what she had said and how it is between me and him and she has not said anything like it since. That was a lucky thing for me.
My mom however is not so understanding. I just told her that he makes me happy and that's all that should matter.
You've just got to deal with these situations as they arise and stick to what you know to be true.
That's pretty much it. Once you and your boyfriend/fiancé/hubby/SO are happy together then that's all that matters.
Hope this helps people in the future as the other and older posts have helped me alot.
Good post Hkom :)
Thank you Mattfromengland (:
My wife was straight when we met and is still straight - we also lived in different countries and did the whole long-distance thing before I moved countries to be with her three years ago.
During the time we dated online, she only ever referred to me as a male (because that's what I am) to her family and friends - not to be deceptive, but because it's the truth. We only had to tell them that I was trans when I came to see her and they would inevitably see that I was (then) pre-T and still had a female phenotype.
They never looked at us as "gay" or her as "bi" - but even if they did, she didn't care because she loves me for who I am and whatever others think is irrelevant to her. We never had a large circle of people who knew me pre-T - now, we know a lot more people, but they've only ever known me since being on T, so they assume I am a cis male.
I don't really know what kind of advice to give as my wife is very much the sort who could care less what people say or think of her.